THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[bear12]

thanks, super... i can always count on you to cheer me up. i really appreciate that.

 

i know you're right...i know that i build my ex up to be way better than he really was. when i think back to our first date i found him only so/so looking, kind of arrogant and somewhat boring! it was only after i got to know him a bit better that i began to see all these other things in him, realize that his outward "flaws" were more based on inner insecurities, and fall head over heels for him. i alsso magically started to see him as the most attractive guy ever (isn't it weird how your physical perception of someone can change based on your emotional attachment) but all my friends now think i can do "better" not that i think by any means that it should be everyone's ultimate goal to date the hottest coolest person they can find or anything, i just think it's funny that my own perceptions may have varied from what everyone else saw in him...

 

anyway, yeah, maybe i should give the bars a break for a while. not that i go out that often or that i go out expecting to meet my prince charming there, but i always end up coming home feeling more depressed than when i got there! of course, with exams coming up, there won't be much time for that anyway! i don't really think that calls for a smiley, but i've got to get myself motivated to study!

[thelonelydoll]

Day Two (again)

 

So I was up to 28 days and felt a nagging need for a little bit of closure - and an urge to establish some civility because things were so truly ugly when it ended - when I sent a text and got a reply from the ex.

 

While it alleviated a certain amount of pressure I was feeling, I'm now thinking it was the wrong thing to do. For me, it felt right, and it helped. But the ex is newly sober, and I'm feeling guilty that by suddenly reaching out to him, no matter how perfunctory it was, it might not have been the best thing for him. Now I'm thinking, what if that simple text interaction opened up all sorts of emotional things for him and put further strain on his already tenuous sobriety? Maybe it wasn't fair of me. He was emotionally abusive and made my life a living hell - but still, his own alcoholic hell is far worse.

 

So, breaking NC felt good for me for a day or so, but now I think I made a mistake - because it brought me back into the old feelings of pity for him. I'm back in NC for good now!

[Rosie007]

One other thing that happened during the week I want to mention here.

 

I talked to one of my best friends this week -- the guy who introduced me to Rex 14 years ago. They're best friends, too. We were talking about upcoming concerts, and my friend mentioned he was going with you know who to see a band I've always disliked immensely.

 

In past conversations, I've always been clear to my friend that I don't want to know what Rex is up to these days. I just don't want to know anything about him or his doings. I'm afraid of how much it would hurt me to hear about the reality of his relations with another woman. I don't need to know about it and I most emphatically don't want to know about it. It's none of my business.

 

I don't think my friend meant to stir the pot by mentioning he and Rex have plans. That's only to be expected.

 

My response was that I didn't want to hear anything else about that guy, I don't even like to say his name most of the time. Somehow it seems too intimate even to utter his name. I said to my friend that I loved him, my heart had been broken, and I still occasionally have tearful bouts. I didn't proceed to describe all the steps I'm taking to distance myself and my feelings from Rex. I just didn't want to discuss this topic with him.

 

After our phone call, I couldn't help but wonder if my friend would mention any of my current state to Rex. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the part of me, which hopes we'll love happily ever after, wished that my friend might say something to Rex, so he'll know my silence is out of love, not hatred.

 

I doubt my friend would betray my confidences in such a way. And I supppose it's only human to wish another person could magically repair what's broken.

[supercalifragilistic]

I was the exact same way with my ex! I actually said to a friend I wouldn't be caught dead kissing him! Oops! I did not find him attractive AT ALL, it was only after we started being friends that I started seeing him in a different light. It IS weird how our perception changes. I mean, I think he's SO beatutiful now (to me, I think he's perfect - love really is blind I guess), but at the same time I realize he's not and wonder what the hell these other girls are seeing in him since they don't even know him. And the friends saying I could do better...I get that even from my family, even I know I could find a better looking person, but does that even matter really? All I really wanted was to have the person I fell in love with and who was once in love with me back. Heh. Maybe he'll do something really stupid soon so I can change my mind.

[Rosie007]

... the ex is newly sober, and I'm feeling guilty that by suddenly reaching out to him, no matter how perfunctory it was, it might not have been the best thing for him. Now I'm thinking, what if that simple text interaction opened up all sorts of emotional things for him and put further strain on his already tenuous sobriety? Maybe it wasn't fair of me. He was emotionally abusive and made my life a living hell - but still, his own alcoholic hell is far worse.

 

So, breaking NC felt good for me for a day or so, but now I think I made a mistake - because it brought me back into the old feelings of pity for him. I'm back in NC for good now!

 

Hi Doll,

 

Congrates on day 2.

 

We can't make another person sober and we can't make another person drink.

 

I've been sober 15.5 years. Part of getting sober is learning to own one's behavior. Not blame others for my actions. If your ex chooses to drink again, it won't be a text message that pushed him over the edge. It will happen because he wasn't able to be honest with himself. He believed the lie that it was safe for him to drink again, despite the havoc it's wreaked on his life.

 

Let's be optimistic that he's going to stay sober and that he perceives your contact as a positive thing. Proof that his sobriety is working.

 

You need to take care of yourself. He needs to take care of himself. And the good news is, you each have your Higher Power looking out for you. Just keep doing the next right thing, and more will be revealed.

 

You might want to consider attending a couple of Alanon meetings to see if you might find some support or wisdom there. Keep the focus on yourself and try to learn why in the first place you were attracted to an active alcoholic (translation: someone who's completely self-centered -- -- having a committed relationship with a substance rather than a human being, and doing all sorts of destructive things as a manifestion of his disease, alcoholism).

 

Hope my candor isn't insensitive. It's just that I've had to examine my own behavior postRex. I've really had to consider what kept me returning to such a hurtful situation and see what lessons I can take from it to help me do better the next time.

 

All best,

 

-Rosie

[andy5128]

Geez Rosie, 71 hours work..! I put the hours in myself now and again so I know where your coming from though.. Sounds like your work is helping you get through this. I work on managing projects too..

 

Congrats on day 2 lonely doll..

 

Day 16 or 17 for me and been hard to stop the urge to contact my ex but stayed strong and managed to get through the urges!

[thelonelydoll]

Thanks Rosie! I did go to Al-Anon while we were together, and I've just got the latest schedule so that I can start going again. And your candor is much appreciated, especially as someone with 15.5 years sobriety behind her.

[boston23]

Hi everyone

 

Day 6 for me.

 

It's so nice to come here and read everyone's posts. I always get inspiration from people here...knowing that other people are going through the same things as I am is nice.

 

I'm about the same as I was yesterday. Still fine, but I did get upset last night when I was going to sleep. I went and babysat last night for a couple of really nice kids, and after they went to bed I started to feel a little upset. My ex kept coming into my mind randomly and my chest would tighten and I could feel tears welling up; when that happened I asked politely for him to leave. Don't know why I do that, but I guess it helps a bit, until he returns 10 seconds later.

 

While I was trying to get to sleep last night I came to a new realization. What I had realized about the relationship these last couple of weeks made me think that it never had any chance in hell, and if our relationship could have never worked, then it's better that it ended. Last night though, I remembered how much I loved him and how much I know he loved me, and I know that even though things started going downhill...our relationship by was no means doomed. We just had about 2 months of poor communication and obviously needed to learn how to communicate better.

 

I know that I still love my ex very much, and I am now realizing that, yes, if he did come and ask to get back together...I would actually say yes. Ha. That bothers me slightly (I mean, come on, I feel like after 4 months of really good healing I should have that behind me), but eh I guess if it's how I feel then it's how I feel.

 

I still feel really good about everything. I have my moments of "oh my god, I can't believe this happened," but overall I just remind myself that if it's suppose to happen, it will happen. And right now, we're obviously not supposed to be together, and that is fine.

 

The guy that continues to ask me out is kind of making me nervous. Well, not him, but I guess the idea of dating someone. 2 months ago I randomly fooled around with a quasi-friend of mine, and then ended up having 2 days of horrible panic attacks...and I think that's scared me away. At some point I'm going to suck it up though. And probably tell him to **** off if he tries to touch me, because I can be like that when I'm scared. Poor guy is going to go away thinking I'm crazy.

 

Hope everyone's having a good weekend

[misskitty]

DAY 5

 

Wow I can't believe it has been 5 days. Today was decent, I got to hang out with some friends while the kids were at their kids birthday party. I didn't even think of him, when I first started doing things after the break up I was kinda sad and angry, that he should be sharing these moments with me. But not anymore, because I realized he always complained the whole time we ever did anything together. That is was never good enough, or the place we were eating at had crappy food, etc etc etc. He always thought he was better than everyone else. I no longer have to please him, impress him and feel like *** every time he would open up his stupid mouth and say something nasty.

 

I am hoping tonight when I go to sleep I will not be bothered with thoughts of him and can sleep peacefully. I feel a little bit stronger today.

[kandy_m_]

i'm joining! i slipped up and broke NC after a whole 2 months.... that's so weak!!, so i'm starting over........here we go again!

 

Does anyone feel annoyed, upset, or disappointed when they slip up??? I am not signing because I am not ready today but my last personal NC was 6 weeks and then I picked up...

 

How do you handle...

[supercalifragilistic]

Day 11

 

Had a pretty good day. Didn't even leave the house but it doesn't matter, I was happy. I didn't dream about him, so YAY!

I'm starting to think maybe we weren't so compatible after all. But who knows.

Only had a minor setback today. Well, I don't know if I should call it that.

I blocked the ex on my msn, but when he's on, he still shows up on there, only he can't see me online. I "hid" him in some group way on the bottom of the screen but today he signed on and the message next to his nick was a sad face. I've never seen anything even remotely sad on his msn ever since the first day I started talking to him over an year ago. I won't lie that I was a little happy that maybe, just maybe, he's sad about the break up. But it probably isn't that. If it was he'd have tried to contact me.

 

Anyways, doing fine regardless.

[macgyver4ever]

Mac - First of all, dont even wonder about the other guy. He is probably a d**k and will dump her in a few months. Thats generally all relationships ever last 6mos - 1 year is more than the average. Thats why the ones that are long term are so hard to get over, because they are rare. You are dwelling on a person you dont even know. A figment. Forget about him. Forget about her for a while.

 

I doing my best to not think about it. I am getting busy in my life and things are looking up. I met a sweet girl, and hope to see her tomorrow. She's a looker!!!

 

Day 11

 

Minneapolis was mildly crazy. A good time, old friends, and the same old thing. Lots of drinking, dancing, and me generally making a fool of myself for fun. It was a great escape. A little hard at times because it was a bachelors party, and if my ex hadn't have cheated, that would have been me. Seeing my friends getting married, and realizing I am back at square 1, was sad at times.

 

I'm growing a spine. There was this girl that I liked back in college who was at the party. I had sent her a nice email asking if she remembered me, and she never responded. So when I saw her this weekend, and she figured out who I was, she kept making eyes at me, and trying to get me to talk to her. I had nothing to do with her. I don't have to put up with a snotty girl. She looked like crap anyway. The last 6 years weren't kind to her. I guess they weren't to me either.

Another big interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!!!

 

 

Today I feel: Excited, Confident, Upbeat, Uneasy, and Anxious.

[rsxguy520]

wow..its been awhile since i've been on the NC challenge. i just decided to post because i really have no time anymore to do this cause school is raping me..anyways tomorrow is supposed to my ex and i 4 years..greatest part, i don't give a ****..lol..no spending money, nothing..im happy as ever..tomorrow is the day were i revive my lost time and years to myself..haha..well back to the NC challenge, life is coming great so far, its just school, study, party..i've been meeting lots and lots of girls. but i'd like to keep it to friends and nothing more for now. i'd like to have my options open now..never settling unless i know its the one. i read some of your guys post..yeah trust me, you feel like you don't have strength to do this, only because your letting your mind tell you that. think about it..its like playing a game, we all want to win. now put it in this perspective. your the pride and self confidence is on the line. your ex is winning cause they got that from you. you don't want that do you? you wanna win and you want your self confidence and pride back?!?!?! am i right..of course..right now you feel like crap cause your ex means the world to you.i understand. been there done that. but think about it, why would want someone that did you wrong?!?! exactly...

 

never give in..

 

anyways, i got a load of studying and hw to do. take care ppl that just started, and kudos to those who are still in it!

[Tshwane]

Day 21 - Spending time with friends and keeping one busy is the best medicine. My goal is to rid myself of her and everyday that passes without talking to her means im getting closer to the dream.

[solarplexus]

Day 25

 

After feeling great for the past week, I felt that relapse yesterday. I was thinking about her whole throughout the day and night. I tried to dismiss but could not manage and finally felt that hearthache showing up again. I hope this be the last time I feel that.

[thelonelydoll]

Day Three (again)

 

After my minimal (text) contact on Friday, I felt some closure, some relief. Yesterday, I felt guilty, that I'd done the wrong thing - for him, and for me by extension, because I felt guilty. Today, I'm feeling a little down on account of the weather, plus some money problems - but I feel strong about NC. Joined an Al-Anon forum and going to a face to face meeting tomorrow night. I'm still not eating or sleeping well, but that's part of this process, too. I guess I feel "okay" - but just.

[bear12]

am i supposed to stop counting the days after 30? well it's been 32 days. i don't know what to think... i'd be lying if i said that every time my phone rings or i have a new email i don't hope it's him, but i don't think that call/email is going to come for quite some time and maybe by the time it does i won't even want to take it... although i can't imagine that at this point...

[thelonelydoll]

bear -

 

I think the idea is that you'll stop counting days when you feel you've healed. Although you can't imagine being at that point (of not wanting to take the call/answer the email) right now, it will indeed come. I would also have 32 days now if I hadn't sent a text to him on Friday. There are people on here who still count and they've got months ahead of us. And we're going to be fine, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

[macgyver4ever]

Day 12

 

Interview went well today. I'm excited to get a job soon.

 

Last night I got a call from one of my ex's best friends from high school. He wanted her number, and I told him that we were broken up. He was pretty upset because we got along pretty well. He was going to call her, but I doubt she will answer. She's not very nice to him anymore.

 

Besides that incident, I haven't thought about my ex much. The hardest part is when things are going well and I want to share my excitement with someone and she isn't there. I am also a little jealous of that she will be doing the things that we had planned for the summer with someone else. There were a lot of things I wanted to do with her in Chicago, and she never wanted to last year. She was boring, but a few months later she is now Ms. Party Pants.

 

I met this nice girl. She is supposed to call me soon, and we might be meeting for coffee tonight or later this week.

 

 

Today I feel: Confident, Tired, Upbeat, Excited, and Empty.

[Puckdog27]

I convinced myself today that I control how I feel. MAN ITS AWESOME.

 

How I did it. Take 10 mins, clear yor mind and focus on breathing for the entire time. Push all thoughts out only your breathing, then tell yourself that you control how you feel over and over in tell the happiness returns.

 

Everytime small thoughts of my ex would enter and I would feel the pain coming, I would take a deep breath and remind myself that I control how I feel.

 

She has been gone from my memory all day!!!

 

TRY IT. SUPER DAVE WAS RIGHT IT WORKS.

[Wandering_Sword]

I can't even remember how many days now. But I do know that this is my third (fourth?) at NC. I may be five months now, but I can't really remember. What I do know is sometimes for the briefest of moments I think about her and get down thinking that she has moved on with her life without me.

[supercalifragilistic]

Day 12

 

My day was wonderful, I started on my new job and everyone is great there, I couldn't ask for a better job right now. Classes were ok. I was mostly happy. HOWEVER, I'm starting to miss my ex and feel sad. It's been over a week since I felt that way. This sucks. I'm really delusional now, when I saw on his msn that he had a sad face there I actually considered it could be because he was starting to miss me. Yeah right. I could swear he'd call me today because of that. Sure I wouldn't answer, but I so hoping he would. Actually, now it's the first time I'd feel bad for ignoring him like that. Oh God, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just let it go? WHY? Ugh.

[supercalifragilistic]

I convinced myself today that I control how I feel. MAN ITS AWESOME.

 

How I did it. Take 10 mins, clear yor mind and focus on breathing for the entire time. Push all thoughts out only your breathing, then tell yourself that you control how you feel over and over in tell the happiness returns.

 

Everytime small thoughts of my ex would enter and I would feel the pain coming, I would take a deep breath and remind myself that I control how I feel.

 

She has been gone from my memory all day!!!

 

TRY IT. SUPER DAVE WAS RIGHT IT WORKS.

 

I'll have to try that, I could really use that right now.

[Pending]

Broke one week full(2 weeks semi) no contact after a gf asked about how I did with courses, but I now feel now is the time to offical join this.

 

Two questionsIn 2 days I won't see her agian for 4 months(going to be living 3 hours apart)-should I force the hardcore NC then or wait till after we are physically apart?(in other words should I avoid any attempts she make to contact me now or just wait till were both gone)? I mean she hasit been very active at all with trying to contact me but with the 2 day limit she might go overboard with it...or just completely shun me.

 

Knowing that i'm not around physically-do you think she would even bother contacting me durning these 4 months?

 

Also-facebook...she added herself to a friend-just keep it like that & make it seem like i'm having time of my life through that & msn(which I may very well be), or just block/delete her from it all?

[Puckdog27]

There are no right or wrong answers to your questions. Just do what feels right to you.