THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[sweetharmony]

okay, I'm starting NC today. I caved in this morning. We've been broken up for one month now. I don't ever contact or call him first, but he will e-mail me and occasionally I reply. Before we broke up, i purchased tickets for us to attend Josh groban. The concert was Monday, and he e-mailed twice, "i hope you have a great time at the concert" (once on Friday and again on Monday) i know he wanted me to think about him again...

 

i didn't reply either time, but he e-mailed again today to ask about something about the apt. and to mention that i didn't reply to his last e-mails. (i'm living in his apt-he doesn't live there). so, i e-mailed back very politely, short and simple.

 

i will be moving out of the apt in two weeks (thankfully this will make life and healing easier). i will e-mail him one more time (i know!! but i have to let him know I'm gone from the apartment and where his keys are, etc... we have to be civil for this sake. but that is the only time i will e-mail him!

[sweetharmony]

bear, i know it's hard. sometimes i feel the same way. some days are positive, others are negative. memories that i cannot erase reappear without warning. It seems that the days get more difficult rather than easier...but it ebbs and flows...and eventually the feelings dissipate. NC is a tool to help make the healing easier and less bumpy. trust me. i'm an emotional rollercoaster. each time he e-mails, I wonder..what does this mean? it makes the rollercoaster worse. moving on...speeds up progress.

 

my ex of 4 1/2 yrs....i remember many years ago. we broke up after a year and a half. we broke up two weeks before v-day. i contacted him on v-day (pathetic) b/c i was lonely. he did not want want to discuss. i never thought he would ever contact me...he was the stuboorn type, polite guy who would do the right thing, honest, etc...

 

4 months later, I met another guy, began dating again, moved on, graduated from college, went away to Arizona for a grad. vacation...and truly things were getting easier. when I came back to theairport...guess who was there to pick me up! we moved slowly and just became friends but then it turned into about 3 more years for us...but the problems were still there and in the end it didn't work out...

 

if a person truly loves you, they will contact and really make an effort no matter what. but you should not even think about going back so quickly with a guy who didn't want you. i keep telling myself this. right now, the pathetic e-mails to see how i'm doing...it's not enough. just because he misses me b/c he's lonely, it's not what i want anymore. don't you want more???

 

i surely would not take my ex back so quickly even if he wanted. today, i'm feeling positive, who knows about tomorrow.

[rsxguy520]

day 69..yard work, gym, sleep. tomorrow night clubbin! i think im going to start visiting the dating/flirtatious forums now. lol.

[ahhh2jz]

Day 71 - hung out with some friends; and went to an all you can eat sushi place! I'm officially stuffed! Doing great. Friends are there so life is good so far.

[kate111]

Are you supposed to not reply to emails etc they send you.

 

I'm wondering if I did the right thing by not replying.

[1forthegipper]

Kate111

 

The no contact challenge says to NO CONTACT...even if they contact you. You've read the post "From a dumpers perspective" and you should ask yourself "What did I do to contribute to the end of the relationship" if you did things to push him away and to eventually break up with you I would sugges responding but don't be clingy,obssessed etc.. Just keep it short and sweet and happy.... and DON'T leave the response open for him to respond back because you will only be waiting for him to respond and if he doesnt then you'll be killing yourself even more....

 

This in my own opinon though, others will probably disagree...

 

Tha Gipp

[kate111]

It might be too late though. This was awhile ago.

[Rosie007]

Day 32

 

SuperDave, thanks for your well wishes. Much appreciated.

 

Fellow NC'ers, I hate to say it, but I feel a bit disappointed that no one other than SuperDave reached out to acknowledge when I hit my 30-day mark. I do know there have been many people rooting for me, and the support of this group literally changed my life, and I'm grateful to everyone for being brave enough to share their feelings. Still, it feels rather icky for my 30 days to pass unobserved.

 

It's possible I'm being extra sensitive, but still I thought I should say something about how I feel.

 

-Rosie

[Scrembledeggs]

Today is day 30...

 

I've been all over the place emotionally in the last month, but as of late, I'm realizing that I do not NEED her for my life to make sense. I love her and enjoy her company; always have, but I can live without her. I can picture my life with or without her now, and it's a good feeling. The future is basically unwritten, and, realizing that I'm still young, I'm ok with that. Guess that means that I'm finally starting to get over her a little.

 

Tomorrow, I fly out for 6 days. I will use whatever downtime I have (probably not much, but airport time counts) to collect and organize my thoughts a little bit more. I plan to drop her a relatively brief email when I return, with the intention of grabbing coffee or lunch sometime soon, exchanging some things that we still have, and catching up a little. I am confident (since I know her very well) that she will agree to such a meeting, and I am also pretty sure that I will be able to hold it together and act maturely. The goal (as I've discussed previously) is NOT a "Hollywood" Reconciliation, but rather a chance for us to face each other now that we have been able to distance ourselves from the problems and arguments of the end of our relationship. Beyond that, I plan to just "take it from there" based on how we interact.

 

This 30-day challenge hasn't been a "miracle cure" for my problems or anything like that. It has, however, allowed me to distance myself; to realize exactly what I said before, that I don't NEED her to be happy. Constantly bothering her with 'plans' of how we could get back together, trying to buy her love, whatever, it would have been foolish. But I probably would have been too wrapped up to realize that in the first month.

 

I'm excited for my trip tomorrow, and I'm hopeful for what the future might bring; just not unrealistically so.

 

I'll plan to make another post within the next couple of weeks as an update. Thanks for reading and thanks for your support.

[SuperDave71]

Rosie,

 

 

I also wondered about that. I glad you spoke up. Whatever you feel, I know I am proud of you. What you did is an enormous task and a difficult one to boot.

 

I do find it a bit selfish when others rely on your soothing and supportive words yet when you want to share a victory, no one is around to celebrate. I am here. I am in your corner and I believe in you and your ability to not only heal yourself but to heal your life.

 

Congrats to you and your continued success!!!

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[sweetharmony]

Rosie007, that is amazing for you! Leep it up and I think we are all so happy that you made it 30 days! It's difficult, but we're all rooting for you.

 

I wish I could go through all the old posts, to see how everyone is faring, but so many new ones come in so quickly, it's hard to keep up with everyone.

[sweetharmony]

scrambled eggs, great for you! this forum has been so positive and upbeat, and a great place to root each for each other. SuperDave thanks for all your support for these people.

[Knightm29]

Last contact was Tuesday 13th March.

 

here goes...........

[SuperDave71]

Sweetharmony,

 

You are most welcome!

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[macgyver4ever]

Before I start.

 

CONGRATS TO ROSIE AND MR. EGGS!!!! I had a rough couple days, been focused on myself and I appolgize for not saying anything. Both of you have been great support to me and I really appreciate it. What you have done is a huge step in the right direction, and I couldn't be prouder. I just wish I was there with you, and wouldn't have made contact. (It would be day 31 for me today.)

 

Day 14

 

I was laid off yesterday. They cut about 15% of our full-time staff. We were bought out at the beginning of the year, and they told us there would be now lay-offs, but I guess they changed their mind.

 

The first thing I thought of when I got back to my desk was my ex, and how I needed her more than ever now, and she isn't there. I thought of how I could contact her, and what would happen when I did. I could deal with a bad reaction from her, so I called her mom because she has been a huge support for me. She has acted as my parent for the past 4 years, and it is nice to know I have someone close by if I need a hug. I may see them next week for lunch, since i have time now!!!

 

My ex's mom was going to tell my ex I lost my job, but I never heard from my ex. I thought she would call, or email, or something, but that heartless b**** has said nothing. That hurts more than anything right now. We were together for 4 years, the least she could do is say something. My guess is that this will turn into my "Moment of Zen" and I will realize I don't want this is my life. I need to wait for the pain to subside though.

 

In all, I feel like s*** but am actually better than expected. I haven't cried yet today, and if I could just stop feeling sorry for myself I could get my resume finished and start applying for some jobs. I might start slow, and clean my apt. first, so I feel a little better.

 

 

Today I feel: Lost, Sad, Upset, Disillusioned, ALONE, Scared, Angry, Bitter, but Confident. I will make it through this.............somehow.

[papalazarou]

I posted this on another thread but I suppose its relevant here!!!

 

 

My moment of Zen came about a month ago. Following yet another meet up with the ex (doing the LC thing) we were going round in circles. I wont bore you with the details here suffice to say she found some new found "friends" and she was/is suffering from depression.

 

We had a bit of an argument about those "friends". Her last words to me was I think you better leave me alone for a little while.

 

I thought of SD (sorry) and thought you want space? I will give you ALL the space you need. Love that line SD! By then I had actually had had enough. I was flogging the proverbial dead horse again. And again. And again. And again.

 

I needed to break the cycle. It started then. I had been following SDs 30day no contact thread with interest and reading how this had helped people. NC was the way to go. Proper NC.

 

She did contact me about 2 weeks ago by text (havent heard are you ok type of thing) so I did reply and said "im fine hope you are ok". She then asked what I was doing that saturday.

 

For THREE months she never asked what I was doing over a weekend (remember she had her "new" friends) and the ONLY reason I can think why she asked was because I had a ticket for the Killers that I had bought back in October. Needless to say I am sorry I have plans but I may be free next week. Did I hear from her again? Did I bollocks. Was I bothered? No because I was two weeks into PROPER NC. This also showed her in a true light. A USER, she took, took, took everything emotionally, physically and financially and gave little back. All I wanted was to feel wanted and I didnt even get that.

 

So fast forward a couple of weeks. I spoke to her, told her I was cancelling the dog insurance (it was the one thing that hadnt been sorted) and she needs to transfer it to her bank. I never would have been able to have a calm, controlled conversation if it wasn't for NC.

 

She proceeds to tell me how down she still is, perpetually ill AND best of all some of these "new" friends that she made have in her words "betrayed" her.

 

Go figure. Three months ago they were the best thing since sliced bread.

 

I proceeded to tell her how I am getting on with my life, Im grading for my Tae Kwon Do Black Belt in April. How much fun I am having and enjoying MY friends and life. Although a special thanks also goes to Pisces Princess on here - thanks babe x. And of course SD who is always in my mind because I have him on my key ring HA HA.

 

Do I feel sorry for her? A bit. I LOVED that girl and her kids with all my heart. Part of me is quite pleased "not to say I told you so...but I told you so" - she has people like me who cared a great deal for her but she chose these "new" friends over me. She said she missed me. Well I got news for you lady I DONT MISS YOU. Not anymore

 

I have now moved on. I feel free and liberated.

 

Sure if she calls me I may take the call. I may not. But now its MY choice, as its my choice if I wish to call her. BUT I now know there is no going back, I have said before I CANNOT be friends with her but I can be FRIENDLY - by that I mean if I was to see her in the street or our paths accidentally cross I will not be a nervous wreck and I would say hello and be polite.

 

Without NC I would never have been able to see the woods for the trees.

 

Do NC. Do it now. For your sake.

[MasterT]

Lets all give a round of applause for Rosie and Mr. Eggs!!!! I've been a wee bit wrapped up in my own recovery myself, but that's awesome you two! I wish only the best for you in the future, soon I'll be able to join you two in the victory circle for hitting the 30 day mark

 

Day 22 for me!

 

Morning once again was hard, so I decided to go out and treat myself to 3 new music CDs to add to my collection. So far they've been pretty darn awesome. I love music. Always picks me up out of the abyss. I feel great now that I'm listening to my music.

[papalazarou]

Sorry Rosie and Mr Eggs

 

CONGRATULATIONS. I must admit I havent been on here for a few days!!!!

[ahhh2jz]

Day 72 NC! Reading a few of the new threads started in this forum has got me thinking about some stuff... im gonna update this later.

[rsxguy520]

day 70..applause for Rosie and Mr. Eggs!!!! i think this will be my last post on the challenge...siike!! work out and played ball today. just relax till later. clubbin and meeting new people.!! yee!

[macgyver4ever]

Happy st. Patty's Day!!!

 

Day 15

 

My ex called last night. I didn't answer. She left a very nice message saying she was just calling to check on how I am doing, that she heard from her mom about my job, and told me to call her back to talk. She sounded very nervous, and scared.

I'm going to plan on calling her back tomorrow night. I know that ruins the NC challenge for me AGAIN, but I'm not going to be a jerk about it. I am going to upbeat, very short and to the point, and be confident that I will find something new. No relationship talk, nothing. Just short, make her feel good about calling, and move on. If she hears me not being upset about losing my job, she is going to realize how much I have changed. I'm not uptight anymore, and I don't fear change. It will make her more insecure about her decision.

 

I'm doing well considering the circumstances. I'm confident and upbeat. I've already finished my resume and have some portfolio samples ready. I've sent stuff to one job already, and and going to get down to business tomorrow.

 

Tonight I am going to celebrate St. Patty's with friends. Drinking will ensue! It will be a time to forget my worries, and enjoy being single. Kiss a few cute girls, drink beer, and be merry.

 

 

Today I feel: Happy, Upbeat, Confident, Excited, and Scared?

[Dr.Amore]

Day 27 for me and dam its hard very hard. I'm proud of myself i have her password to her voice mail and i didn't even check it yeepeee. She spent every other weekend at my house and she shoulda been hear and im alone and want to call But i guess she made it clear there is nothing that is going to change her mind about getting back together which makes it a little easier.

[Rosie007]

I'm going to plan on calling her back tomorrow night. I know that ruins the NC challenge for me AGAIN, but I'm not going to be a jerk about it. I am going to upbeat, very short and to the point, and be confident that I will find something new. No relationship talk, nothing. Just short, make her feel good about calling, and move on. If she hears me not being upset about losing my job, she is going to realize how much I have changed. I'm not uptight anymore, and I don't fear change. It will make her more insecure about her decision.

 

Hey Macgyver,

 

Just don't do it. Period.

 

You're not going to prove anything to her, and you're only going to set yourself back again. You've been down this road already and you know already it doesn't work. You're using rationalization and justification to convince yourself that it's a good idea to do something that's going to harm your psyche.

 

It's not your job to make her feel good about calling.

 

It's your job to take care of yourself.

 

And while you're at it, stop calling her parents.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or insensitive here. I'm just trying to talk some sense into you.

 

Whatever you decide, I'm/we're still here for you.

[macgyver4ever]

Hey Macgyver,

 

Just don't do it. Period.

 

You're not going to prove anything to her, and you're only going to set yourself back again. You've been down this road already and you know already it doesn't work. You're using rationalization and justification to convince yourself that it's a good idea to do something that's going to harm your psyche.

 

It's not your job to make her feel good about calling.

 

It's your job to take care of yourself.

 

And while you're at it, stop calling her parents.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or insensitive here. I'm just trying to talk some sense into you.

 

Whatever you decide, I'm/we're still here for you.

 

Rosie,

 

I agree that it is probably not the best thing for my healing. I completely understand that, but she has reached out to me to show me she cares. I'm going to do some heavy thinking before I call, but most of all I am going to enjoy myself this weekend.

 

Will contacting her set me back; Probably. So most of you would say it is a bad idea. The problem is I am still in the frame of mind that I want her back. I have realized how much I love her in the past month, but now also understand I DON'T need her to be happy. I can find someone else, and I know that I have already lost her. The pain of taking her back might be much greater than living without her.

 

I'll take my time, think this over, but I'm not going to let NC run my life. I'm still a great guy, and it was hard enough for me to not answer her call. I know I can be a great guy, and not talk to a person that treated me like garbage, but if someone reaches out, shows concern for someone in need, I will applaud that no matter how much I don't like them. If my worst enemy called and sent is concern, I would thank him. It's just who I am, and I will not change it for NC.

 

This will probably be another setback, but I have been down this road before, and right now, I have bigger problems than not being with my ex. I NEED A JOB!!!

[sweetharmony]

It's been a month of LC (basically none) except him e-mailing me and me e-mailing him occasionally regarding the apt. i'm living in (he owns it). he e-mails every few days, more so recently. and expects me to answer! it's so hard. the past few days have been ok. going out tonight with friends, looking for an apt. (to finally be released from the relationship), and focusing on my job, future, and finally applying to graduate school.

 

it's hard, but getting easier. i wish he would stop e-mailing things like, "Please be careful when driving home today, because the roads are icy". or "have a good time at the concert" (a concert i bought tickets for him and i before we broke up). he forwards articles about politics, global warming, things we shared and cared about when together. i guess i gave him the impression it was ok to do this, since i've been very polite in returning his emails (though short and sweet) and because i had sent him a nice, goodbye closure letter (which i do not regret) since my actions and attitude contributed a great deal to the demise of our relationship.

 

It's too confusing, i know he really cares for me, and wants to be my friend, etc...but it's just hard! i know he will e-mail me again, "why didn't you return my e-mail?" since i didn't repsond. not sure how to handle. we've both been civil about this. but i don't know how to just cut him off completely, until i'm out of the apt. in two weeks.