THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[Pisces_Princess]

One of things I find difficult is when my friends think it will make me feel better by criticising him. That really doesn't help me at all. In fact when we first broke up I went alone to relationship counselling, I ended up walking out because the counsellor started to say things like 'he's an emotional coward'. I guess it made me feel bad that I was distraught over a loser!

 

My ex is a good man, he's just a commitment phobic and too long a bachelor. He is 34 and his longest relationship is about 6 months! I on the other hand want the full commitment including marriage and children. I think that's basically the biggest incompatability you can have in a relationship. I think he thought he wanted it but living with me confirmed that he was happier alone. In the long run he is better to let me go now rather than later, or even worse go through with a wedding and then at some later date tell me he had doubts before. Pehaps if I hadn't wanted to be married he would have stayed with me, but I can't deny who I am and neither can he.

 

I am with you Kate, I am a romantic sucker too xxx

[kate111]

Does it help to see things from their perspective though? I mean, he didn't think about you in all this so why should you think about him? If the problem is only commitment and he is 34 then it DOES seem to me he has emotional problems.

[shadow34]

Hi Kate

 

How are you feeling hun today ???

 

Hugs

[kate111]

Another NC question:

 

If they never call you do you never call them ever again? Is that the rule?

[kate111]

Hi Kate

 

How are you feeling hun today ???

 

Hugs

 

 

I felt fine this morning. Positive even.

 

His email made me regress. He is saying all this "nice" stuff. It doesn't make it easier.

[macgyver4ever]

Day 15

 

Halfway through, but NC will end soon. I need to call her an cut off her cell phone because she is using all the minutes talking to her new boyfriend. I'm not happy about having to call her, but I don't really have a choice.

 

I spoke with the girl I am seeing and we both really like each other, but think we need to take it a litle slower because of my situation. We don't want this to be a rebound.

 

I miss my ex for the first time in a long while. The anger is subsiding, with sadness flooding back in.

 

 

Today I feel: Disappointed, Sad, Upset, Somewhat Confident, and Confused.

[papalazarou]

Day 15

 

Halfway through, but NC will end soon. I need to call her an cut off her cell phone because she is using all the minutes talking to her new boyfriend. I'm not happy about having to call her, but I don't really have a choice.

 

I spoke with the girl I am seeing and we both really like each other, but think we need to take it a litle slower because of my situation. We don't want this to be a rebound.

 

 

 

The sooner you do that the better. Instead of calling why not just send her a text? Or just do it. Dont announce it.

 

Sounds to me like you dont owe her anything anyway.

 

Good luck with the new girl. That sounds a very sensible thing to do, take it slow!

[macgyver4ever]

The sooner you do that the better. Instead of calling why not just send her a text? Or just do it. Dont announce it.

 

Sounds to me like you dont owe her anything anyway.

 

Good luck with the new girl. That sounds a very sensible thing to do, take it slow!

 

I don't owe her anything, but I am the bigger person. I'm not being nice to get back with her, but killing her with kindness will be a nice revenge for me. I want her to hurt from what she is losing.

 

I need to call because I can be the adult in the situation. Ther is a lot of explain, and a text just won't cut it.

 

Thanks for the feedback Papa!!

[Pisces_Princess]

Does it help to see things from their perspective though? I mean, he didn't think about you in all this so why should you think about him? If the problem is only commitment and he is 34 then it DOES seem to me he has emotional problems.

 

Hi Kate,

 

I think he did think about me. He didn't go about thngs the right way, but he knew he couldn't give the level of commitment that I need.

 

I think commitment is such a huge thing, some people embrace it other people run from it, my boyfriend was obviously the latter. He may have some emotional problems, but they are not mine to deal with anymore

[SadOldMan]

I'm not sure if it's 13 or 14 days since we last had any contact.

Feeling pretty down at the minute.

[splashdown]

day...er, not sure...

 

we did talk last night for moment about the kid, which caused a few minutes of anguish. but all in all, feeling fine and dandy. chipper, even. i can't tell if this is the lull before the inevitable breakdown, but i don't think so. as more time passes, our break-up seems just totally right. i can't abide a cheater, and she did, so i'm happy i got out now before i wasted any more time on her.

 

hope everyone else's healing is proceeding.

[boston23]

Gah…I just wrote this really long post and then just deleted the whole thing by accident.

 

Kate: Not responding to his email is absolutely the right thing to do for you. You are doing NC for you, let him think what he wants about it. If he really does need to talk to you, I’m sure he knows how to find you. In terms of "never calling again ever": you can call eventually, when all of this is in the past and calling him would be like calling any friend who you haven't talked to in a while. But all the feelings have to be gone, and that takes a while. So not never ever, just not for a while.

 

Rosie: Glad to see you in better spirits again!

 

Thanks so much for your encouragement and posts! Shaker, you said exactly what I needed to hear! You’re absolutely right about it all; I do give myself all the closure that I’ll ever need. I especially loved the part where you said I’m the best audience for any speech that I would ever give to him…and beyond that, I don’t pout or give myself the silent treatment. In terms of the bonsai tree analogy, I feel like that rotten branch was already cut off and it’s gone and there’s barely a stub remaining, but getting those texts from him made me pause and think that I should be worried that the branch has been cut off. Nah, I don’t need to waste the emotional energy on any of that. I have plenty of other branches to grow and, if anything, I should rejoice that the dead branch has been cut off. Yeah, I’m definitely feeling much much better about all of this. Thanks so much for the post!

 

I was briefly thinking about how much easier this has gotten and all I have to say is “wow.” Seriously. During the NC challenge, I was having huge swings in how I felt about everything…absolutely miserable for a day, maybe ok the next. Now it’s mostly really good…with a little bit of “ok” thrown in there. And to get back to “really good” is now as easy as posting here and getting a little reminder. At some point down the line, I will even be able to do that myself (and I’m getting better at that with time already). I don’t wake up thinking about him anymore, and I don’t wake up thinking about not thinking about him. Yes, he’s still on my mind a lot, but it’s not a constant thing. I think it’s close to how I would feel if I had gotten a B- on an exam a month ago when I expected to get nothing lower than an A-. A tiny bit of annoyance, but not much. Instead, I’m just looking forward to the next exam/relationship to prove that it can be much better.

 

As for the past relationship, I now can see that it is the worst relationship that I will have ever (and now it doesn’t pain my heart at all to think that). It was my first real relationship, and now that I’ve seen what can happen when you don’t stick up for yourself, I know I would never let myself be treated that way again. If a man is treating me a wrong, I don’t care how in “loooove” I am, it’s hasta la vista, adios and good bye to him, and in with someone better. My sister recently broke up with her boyfriend, and although she’s devestated, she said that he was the first guy she had been with who didn’t recognize how lucky he was to be with her. Any guy would be lucky to be with me, and the fact that my ex didn’t see that, automatically puts him in the “looooser” category.

 

Yeah, so I’m feeling much much better. Love reading everyone’s posts. Thanks again for the support!

[mariab.]

Boston, so happy you are feeling better. Today I developed a mantra that whenever I think about my ex I chant" I release you to your higher purpose, I've set you free and I am free" hope it lasts. I guess for me its hard b/c he was such a jerkoff the last time we talked-he didn't need to be that way. I will never understand why he had to say those things to me. I really actually do not want him back right now, the company that hes keeping is not the company I would keep, and what hes doing w/ his life is not what I am doing w/ my life. Well, hope this week gets better. Happy thoughts to everyone.

[Parsley]

Blimey, there have been a LOT of posts between my last one and now.

 

Kate - I can really identify with how your ex contacted you. I got a text at 1am, and after so long of telling myself it wasn't going to be him, I didn't think it would be anymore. Then it was. I swear my heart stopped beating. At first I was in this kind of daze...but then when he sent me the text "I miss you Stephamy" I literally crumpled into a heap on my bed and cried and cried and cried. Eurgh. I don't know what aggrivates me more about all that...the fact that he kept calling me by pet names when he was the one that dumped me, or the fact that he did it at night and everyone who has ever felt bad about ANYTHING knows that at night it's a million times worse.

 

You were stronger than me though! I tried to stay distant at first, but then weakened. Then when he rang I barely said a word to him, but said he could ring me the next day. I then text him twice the next day...never heard another word from him.

 

Ooh, you know my mostly unconscious text I sent with my address for my things? Well that was about 2 weeks ago, and I haven't received anything. That annoys me a lot. I know I hadn't intended (in my wakeful state) to send the message, but he doesn't know that, so basically he has ignored an outright request for my own possessions, which he told me on numerous occasions I could have back. As if I should have had to ask. They're MINE.

 

What a....solo fornicator.

[LBP]

Turned a huge corner... Finally figured things out. I think live is going to be alot easier here on in.

 

Day 5.

[Scrembledeggs]

Day 14 of No Contact. Tomorrow, I will be half way there...go me?

 

I've had (and continue to have) my moments of weakness, but it strangely feels like moments of new strength and spontaneous happiness are beginning to develop as well. I've been playing guitar pretty much every day now...haven't played consistantly in months. Piano is 'clicking' again...as in I can sit down and chord progressions / songs I didn't know I knew just sort of start to reveal themselves to me. Fun stuff, if not a little creepy. haha. Is it just a coincidence, or was my creativity being stifled by this relationstip that I held so dear???

 

I deactivated my facebook account yesterday...and it was a big relief...If I'm tempted to check up on pictures of her or what parties or whatever she is attending, it's no longer just a click away. Of course I also cut off about 65 other 'buddies' by quitting (just as I did when I gave up AIM, but I figure that if they want to find me, they will. I never spoke to 3/4 of those people as it was. I'm sick and tired of the way that everybody just makes away messages so that everyone else will read them, then everybody just reads away messages and never talks. I'm back to phone, email, and myspace (mostly for surveys anyway!) Screw instant messaging.

 

I'm sure I will fall back a little bit, and I still get that sinking feeling when I picture her...still wonder if she will call. But I haven't cried since Friday, and there's hope now. It's time to make some new memories and stop dwelling. If nothing was wrong it wouldn't have ended. (Please please please let me keep feeling this way and not go back to being depressed!!)

 

And that, people I don't know, is my update. I've said it before, but it's really true that writing down what's in your head really helps you understand it better. Today I'm pleasently surprised by what came out...

[ruby19]

Day 20 he emailed again and sounds sad. "Hey where are you?"

 

And the big sympathy ploy "I hurt my foot on vacation." Which I knew via the grapevine, he was drunk and jumped off a wall or some such lame thing.

 

I thought it was funny, immature and careless, whereas a little while ago I would have been worried about him. Is that progress?

 

Still going to hell for this one I guess

[annalise23]

Day one

 

here goes...

[kate111]

The ex's email made me regress. Does that mean I have to start all over again? I was forced to contact him before.

[ahhh2jz]

Day 55 NC - doing okay; i thought about her a lot today; and it's weird because even though I am keeping busy, she still manages to pop into my head. I am also anticipating what I will say if I bump into her somehow; I really have to stop doing this.

[Rosie007]

Day 15

 

Scrembledeggs: Sounds like you're doing great. I can totally identify with, "really true that writing down what's in your head really helps you understand it better."

 

LBP: Sounds like you're in a groove. Keep up the great work.

 

Kate: You have no control if your ex contacts you. If you don't respond, you don't have to start over.

 

I don't owe her anything, but I am the bigger person. I'm not being nice to get back with her, but killing her with kindness will be a nice revenge for me. I want her to hurt from what she is losing.

 

I agree with papalazarou; just don't announce it. With all due respect, there's no reason for your ex to think she's entitled to your minutes. Consequently, you don't owe her an explanation for a logical and reasonable action. And if you do cut them off, don't give in to a potential angry communication from her to justify actions. NC, NC, NC.

 

Pisces: I love the list, too. Credit for them goes to a writer named Sandra Ann Miller. I read these rules on iVillage in their "Love & Sex / Common Problems / Breaking Up / Getting over It" section.

 

Everyone: Keep up the great work!!!

 

My status: I ended up getting very sick yesterday. Sicker than I've been in the past three weeks. Almost went to emergency room. Instead saw doctor for second time in less than 15 hours. Also had a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia (still waiting on results).

 

In terms of "that guy," I'm on cruise control. Memories float in / float out. I still see glimpses of him in my mind vividly. And I'm in a nice indifferent place for today. I told him a long time ago, never talking to someone again ... or for long periods of time ... is my forte. I didn't talk to my dad for 10 years, my mom for 3, a beloved cousin for 14 years, and someone who was like my sister for 20 years. It's what I do. It's a form of self protection I had to adapt coming from the extremely toxic family (alcoholic, neglectful, my feelings were not important, i had no right to say "No," etc.,). Not cutting and running is something new for me, and I was willing to try to brave the difficult periods so long as he was with me only, even if he wasn't committed to me. I hoped things might change as he began to heal from his old relationship.

 

Two days ago, the idea of losing oneself in a relationship really leaped out at me. In particular I remember reading:

 

I lost myself in my relationship, I always do. When I first met my ex he thought I was confident, independent and very in control of my life, that's what he loved about me. What I became was needy, insecure and an emotional vampire! that's we he didn't love about me.

 

I didn't really think that my identity was lost to my ex, but looking back I think that I definitely felt my identity extremely stifled by him. Before the relationship I had a very good idea of who I was, and I didn't feel intimidated by other people. But I realize now that part of my identity is the self-confidence that I have, and during the relationship I lost some of that. My self-confidence went down because I wasn't allowing myself to tell him what I thought he was doing was bad and horrible, and I feel that I really let myself down in that respect. I could've said those things, but I chose not to because I thought I would lose him that way, but the reality is that I lost myself instead. I'm honestly ashamed that I didn't stick up for what I believe to be true and right. I think I lost my own self-respect. I guess it's hard for me to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me in such a disrespectful manner and it's hard for me to forgive myself for not saying anything about the types of things he's doing with his life. What I did was against my own self-identity, and instead of taking a stand for myself I held it all in and started having physical manifestations instead (gagging). So I feel like I lost a part of me, and my ex didn't actually have that much to do with it other than the fact that I was scared of losing him.[/Quote]

 

I've learnt that when your instincts tell you something, there's a reason. I've learnt not to be a complete pushover, and that if someone's made their made up, nothing I can say will change that, it has to come from them.

 

 

In addition to sticking around for drama -- not cutting and running -- I was extremely conscious of the fact that I wasn't behaving as me. I said it to Rex on many occasions, "This is not who I am. This is not what I do." I also said, I'm glad you've known me for a long time so you'll hopefully remember that this isn't me. I just felt like I was losing more and more of myself ... losing my self respect and dignity because I wasn't honoring all the lessons and insights I've gained over the years -- perhaps because in my heart I knew that I was accepting the unacceptable, and that I wasn't ready to do what I needed to do: get out of a very unhealthy relationship.

 

I already know that love is not enough. My parents almost loved me to death. With all their destructive, narcissistic, neglectful, harmful ways, I have no doubt they genuinely love(d) me ... and they loved me to the best of their ability. But I had to escape from the "love," which isn't a simple thing to do. Perhaps NC made such sense to me because I already had the experience that the rules of the game didn't change until I stopped playing the game. And once the rules changed, I didn't want to play that particular game at all.

 

I'm often very hard on myself for how much I lost myself, how many ways I compromised my beliefs, and how off center I became when I was with Rex. But on the flipside, I reckon I had to start somewhere. How could I possibly hope to learn how to love or be in a relationship, if I didn't finally jump in after 43 years? I picked a relatively safe person -- he didn't turn out to be an ax murderer -- just a dream killer. I want to honor the fact that I dared to be hurt. Dared to feel incredible pain. Not just the pain at the end (OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW), but also the pain that I experienced all the time from doing something that was utterly foreign to me. I don't know why, but the first time I do so many things, it's absolutely excruciating for me. The panic and fear I feel is absolutely debilitating. And now I have the knowledge firsthand that I can survive having my heart broken ... at least I have so far.

 

I believe there are always blessings in disguise for any bad experience ... even if it takes a long time to recognize those blessings. I *hate* the way things ended ... in a thousand years I could never imagine it would have ended the way it did ... and I already know one of the major blessings in disguise to this experience: getting to know / witness every one of you.

 

Blessed be,

 

-Rosie

[comfyshoes]

I wish i knew how to control the swings that i have in my moods. I'm at work right now-nightshift. I'll probably get knacked for using the computer to access this forum.

Anyhoo. I have such anger today. I have been composing a mammoth text message that i want to send to the * * * * * but thought it better to just post it here for now.

 

You tell me you do not feel comfortable being in contact with me, that you don't know what else to say. It's amazing to me then that you would feel comfortable enough to ask for the $1700 guilt money back. Turns out that it couldn't ease you guilt after all, huh?

Is $1700 the price you put on everything? Is that what it was worth to you?

Do you need the money back to go see your new girlfriend (who of course lives in the same town i'm assuming as you told me you would never date anyone that didn't live in the same town ever again) or will her girlfriend take acception to that? Maybe you want to make her jealous. You're good at that. Give the new woman an excuse to get rid of the girlfriend. jealously is such an unatractive quality, right? especially when it is something that someone conditions you to.

 

You played me like a f***ing fiddle. I helped you when you needed it-everytime, emotionally, financially, personally and i got nothing in return. I cared about you and got nothing in return, i loved you and got nothing in return, i told you only the truth and got nothing but lies in return.

Is that why you are asking for the money back now? Good old kind hearted Laura, she does everything i want without question because she cares and loves me. When she does question me i dump her.

You tell all those peole that you got back in touch with how you badmouthed them, told me they were dull and superficial and uninteresting to you? Or as i suspect, you tell them that i made you stop contacting them because you are a liar and you like to make me out to be the villan.

 

You took me in and i fell for your games time after time after time. You pick yourself out a strong character again this time, someone in a relationship so that you can manipulate them too? i'm sure it's no coninsidence that she's only 21 to your 35! Or is it that she treats you bad? You only ever loved and cared for the people that treated you like * * * *.

You told me only one truth, ever. That i am too good for you. You are damn right i am.

As for "your" $1700. I earned every penny of that and more. (do you have any idea how much you cost me financially, i'm not going to mention emotionally????)

I booked a trip for me and my sister to new york with "your" dollars. We'll be Staying at the Waldorf Astoria for her birthday.

 

Where i'd usually end by saying somehting like Love always i decided to go with this

 

F**k you and the horse you rode in on Tessa

 

end of rant. you have no idea how much i want to send the * * * * * this right now.

 

shoes

[rsxguy520]

day 53..nothing much really went on. just hung out at house, then went out for a drive lol. VTEC!

[ahhh2jz]

forget vtec its all about VVTi jp rsx lol

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Shoes, I am with you today. I woke up this morning and feel irrationally angry. I would love to just march up to him and tell him EXACTLY what I think.

 

I am not aggressive at all by nature, but I am livid today and am taking it out on everybody (including my colleagues at work!)

 

Maybe it's just the weather. It's freezing, grey and rainy today...

 

Oh well 28 days NC....X