THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[montgomery]

hey guys. hope all's cool.

 

I'm feeling better today. much better. a girl I was on a date with the other night is texting a LOT. I don't know how I feel about her, but it does give you a boost.

 

and I know you're not supposed to do this, but I HAVE to talk to my ex. I've been thinking a lot about it. I'm not going to badger or beg, I'm just going to say hi. if she wants to talk about anything serious, then fine. I think it might even do me good if she did. I've spent so much time working out what to say to her if the conversation arises - it's this is how it is stuff, not please take me back stuff - that I need to get it off my chest.

 

I just can't carry on ignoring her. it doesn't work in the workplace, especially a smallish one. I think it looks like I'm being a petulant kid, like I'm being hostile rather than unconcerned, and I have a pretty senior position here.

 

is it the stupidest thing I'll ever do?

[Robert013]

I would keep the conversation all about work. Say hello when you walk by. I would not try to discuss your old relationship though. Just be friendly because you work together other than that why do you need to talk to your ex.

[jennamajig]

 

is it the stupidest thing I'll ever do?

 

That depends on where you are in the healing process. Watch out for your own heart. Would talking to her give you closure? I understand that complete NC can be difficult in the workplace, especially a small one. If you are both going to be there long-term you would need to find a civil balance to co-exist and not let it effect your work.

 

As for me...I know I reach day 30 next week. I thought that would be uplifting, but it's not at the moment. I know he's gone, it's over, but the holidays are depressing the crap out of me. I try holiday shopping and it hurts because even though I am not looking all I see are couples. I know Mr. Right is out there somewhere and that God has a plan and I'll meet him when the timing is right, but right now it is easy to feel lonely. I miss the ex as well and look forward to the morning where I wake up refreshed and motivated. The morning is when I have no motivation and depression is the hardest to shake off.

 

Which kills me! I can't be attractive to myself or to anyone else until I get my true self and confidence back. But to be honest, in searching, I realized I wasn't ever very confident until I met my ex. Having love in my life helped better me as a person. Yes, I will find happiness, I know, but there is still a little piece of my life missing.

 

I ended what might have been a potential relationship with a nice guy partly because I felt I wasn't ready and didn't want to rebound. Rebounding is my biggest fear - no rebound works out and I don't want to be clinging to issues with my ex. I do wonder if I will not be able to cast the last remains of him until I fall in love again and see that he wasn't the be all-end all. Sounds silly, huh? I know I am a good person with a good heart and a lot to give. Just lately, it seems a little hard to convince myself

 

What does hitting day 30 do for us? Liberate us? Anyone hit day 30 and think - I did it and I'm proud...and I'm happy?

[millionaire1]

So onward I go. Buh-bye ex boyfriend... you wanted the break-up and you're getting it and I'm going to be one fine and feeling good person this coming summer!... and I'm gonna make you feel like crap when you see my hot bod on that bike... yah, you gave that up, LOSER!, LOL!! (sorry had to throw that in there)

 

Exactly!!! that's kind of how I'm feeling. Wait til the Summer!!! Yeah!!!

I'm working out and losing weight. Eating better. On the verge of changing my hairstyle. Watch Out. Too bad for him!!!

[millionaire1]

I have began to pray for my happiness, and hers everyday. I don't really know who or what I am praying to but I hope whoever or whatever it is hears me. The act alone is liberating even if i am not religious. I don't know if I truly mean it for her yet but soon and very soon I will. it is hard to want someone to be happy when they were and are the source of your intense pain and emotion. I believe it will set me free if I believe in what I am doing and praying for.

 

How can you love someone else if you do not love yourself right?

 

We will love again even if it is only ourselves first.

 

keep praying. .. . it's a start.

so true about us loving ourselves. How can we expect anyone to love us if we don't love ourselves. We have to love who we are once again and know that even though we're not perfect, we have great love to offer someone, we are great people, and we deserve to be loved.

[montgomery]

just for the record, it probably was. I thought she'd be glad to hear from me.

 

nope, frosty, uninterested, devastating.

 

I reckon that's screwed any sort of progress I thought I might have made, too.

 

lost any sort of control of the situation. * * * * .

[thedude27]

What does hitting day 30 do for us? Liberate us? Anyone hit day 30 and think - I did it and I'm proud...and I'm happy?

 

 

Actutally when I almost hit day 30 the first time. I was sad, really sad. Sad she didnt contact me at all (lol then she called me on the 30th day about work). Life is a trip haha.

 

 

This time I actually missed day 30, I didnt even notice it. Last time it felt like a year went by. This time I had to count 3 times because I couldnt believe it was ALREADY 30 days.

 

What you are feeling is normal. You might be sad the day you achieve your 30 day "victory" but when healing comes none of that will matter and you will be fine again.

 

Hang in there I can tell you are getting much better from your posts in the last few weeks It comes, I've been where you are and I feel LOTS better now. I still have some ways to go but it just gets better and better.

[millionaire1]

just for the record, it probably was. I thought she'd be glad to hear from me.

 

nope, frosty, uninterested, devastating.

 

I reckon that's screwed any sort of progress I thought I might have made, too.

 

lost any sort of control of the situation. * * * * .

 

Dang! Wow! that sucks!!! wow. Sorry about that but thanks for posting this. Because I so want to talk to my ex and feeling the same way as you were. Thinking that he will be glad to hear from me. Wow. I'm really trying to hold back now. Wow! This stuff SUCKS!!!!! Man! I wish he would contact me. Why doesn't he miss me? I know I was a good girlfriend overall. I didn't do him wrong. Arghh!

[bethy84]

Hi Dave this is my first post here. We went on a 'break' two weeks ago and he called me last week but I didn't answer... I will continue not to do so for another month even though it is Xmas! thanks for the support

[millionaire1]

this sucks because Christmas is next week and we were suppose to be together. i had cancelled my plans of going home because he wanted to spend it with me. Well this sucks!!! we were going to spend so much time together over the next two weeks. Man!!!

[montgomery]

Dang! Wow! that sucks!!! wow. Sorry about that but thanks for posting this. Because I so want to talk to my ex and feeling the same way as you were. Thinking that he will be glad to hear from me. Wow. I'm really trying to hold back now. Wow! This stuff SUCKS!!!!! Man! I wish he would contact me. Why doesn't he miss me? I know I was a good girlfriend overall. I didn't do him wrong. Arghh!

 

you didn't do anything wrong.

 

he does miss you.

 

I know my girl misses me, and it drives me insane. I now feel like she wants me to leave her alone. and I shall leave her alone.

 

you can't do anything about how other people feel, or think they feel, and what they think is the right thing to do. they're other people, and they're odd.

 

DON'T FORCE IT. I learned a hard lesson today. I still adore her, but that, sadly, doesn't matter. you can't move anything by how much you want it. you have to realise that someone will see how wonderful you are. it might not be him, it might be someone else. you want it to be him, now, and probably for a while. it hurts SO MUCH.

 

you're a spectacular human being, man. if he doesn't want that, it's his loss.

 

peace. x

[crab62]

day 18...

 

how does that John Wayne thing go.... "rollin rollin rollin", "rollin rollin rollin" meaning I'm rolling down the road to healing and happiness, I hope!

 

well I'm okay today. I feel a bit depressed this week though, uggh. It's dark here in Chicago, no sun... snow, bitter cold, and right now we go to work in the dark, and come home in the dark, argggh.

 

but didn't cry yesterday, yay!! My emotions come and go. but NC is definitely the way to go, I can tell that.

 

I could even get in his email if I wanted (maybe, he may have changed his password by now, but I won't try)... but last time I did that (in the beginning), it set me back as much as breaking NC did when I called him on Thanksgiving. I like NC... it gives you your power back... and it says "I like myself enough that I don't need to hurt myself trying to find out what you're doing" It's great... the less I know about him, the better I am feeling.

 

So onward I go... through my day 18..

 

Good thoughts to you all today... be strong, don't break that NC... and don't give them the power... we are much better than giving away our power to them.

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[Jester1586]

Had a dream about her last night. She was dating another guy in it. Having a great time. I woke up, and it didn't bother me. Sure, I miss her like hell, but I truly just want her to be happy. If it's not with me, so be it. Hopefully it is me though.

 

Anyways, thinking on it, I feel like I want to call her just to talk to her. Not about us, just about how she's been, and how her classes ended, just everything. I miss just talking to her about anything. Maybe I can do the friends thing now, but I'll wait. For now anyway, at least until after the holidays.

 

One day at a time...

[millionaire1]

you can't do anything about how other people feel, or think they feel, and what they think is the right thing to do. they're other people, and they're odd.

 

DON'T FORCE IT. I learned a hard lesson today. I still adore her, but that, sadly, doesn't matter. you can't move anything by how much you want it. you have to realise that someone will see how wonderful you are. it might not be him, it might be someone else. you want it to be him, now, and probably for a while. it hurts SO MUCH.

 

you're a spectacular human being, man. if he doesn't want that, it's his loss.

 

Yeah I know, so true. Frustrating but true. And so true that unfortunately for the time being, it's him I want to see how wonderful I am and desire to be with me. There is a guy that's interested in me that i'm so much more attracted too, makes more money, seems like more fun, but my heart is wrapped up in my ex, I can't even think of dating someone else.

 

Stupid stuff!!! ](*,)

[millionaire1]

I like NC... it gives you your power back... and it says "I like myself enough that I don't need to hurt myself trying to find out what you're doing" It's great... the less I know about him, the better I am feeling.

... be strong, don't break that NC... and don't give them the power... we are much better than giving away our power to them.

 

Definitely! I haven't broken NC even though almost everyday I'm so tempted to. I'm trying to learn from everyone else and to learn to stop being led by my emotions. I've learned from the past that most of the time, my emotions steers me wrong and I've got to get control of that.

We give them our power even when we start dwelling on them. Which does us no good anyways. All the dwelling and wishing doesn't change anything. It only prolongs our healing. And I'M SO GUILTY OF THAT!!! lol

[Robert013]

Today I get my son for the night he is 7 will be 8 in feb. We usually have a great time together. I take him to the YMCA witch is right accross the street from my apartment. We usually shoot some baskets play some raquetball and then hit the pool. It gets my mind off of everything when he is around. I have him 3-4 nights a week.

 

He told me last week that he is starting to forget what my ex looks like. He was just saying that to make me feel better. He has a picture next to his bed that I let him keep. It is of all of us together. It is the only one that is not put away. I asked him to keep it facing the the wall so I don't have to see it when I walk by his room. It is a trigger that I just don't need right now.

 

I know this is hard on him. We were together 7 years he was 6 months old when we met so he doesn't know anything else. It is like loosing a mother to him. Sometimes I wonder if she actually thought the breakup through at all. She lost two people. She must have thought she still would be able to see my son. They do not have a relationship anymore I have to protect him and I. He will not get over her either if we stay in contact.

 

I am a bit emotional today folks sorry it has been exactly 3 months since the breakup today. I don't remember the last time I had contact and I don't care. I am ready for this to be over. I am moving on with my life and I just want her to leave me alone. STOP TRYING TO CONTACT ME. I want her out of my head once and for all. I don't think I have shed a tear in a month but I am now.

 

I will get through this day. It is just a bad one. We all have them and I haven't had one in a while. Tomarrow is a new day. I will pick my self up then. Today I am going to hurt. Today I am going to feel and I will grow from it.

[millionaire1]

Day 15 for me

 

Last night was a bad night for me. I went to the gym after work and couldn't complete my workout. I was feeling really sad and down. I fixed dinner, ate, and laid down until I fell asleep. I had no motivation for anything. Before dinner though I went to Best Buy, and on one of their display TV's they had Michael Jackson's videos playing on it. The video called "Earth Song" caught my attention. It was showing all the many terrible struggles and pain in this world and made me realize that what I'm going through is really Nothing compared to what so many people in this world are feeling.

 

There's so much hurt and pain in this world, and for a moment I was thinking, wow, what could I do to ease someone's pain, to help stop the destruction of this Earth.

[millionaire1]

Today I get my son for the night he is 7 will be 8 in feb. We usually have a great time together. He told me last week that he is starting to forget what my ex looks like. He was just saying that to make me feel better. I know this is hard on him. We were together 7 years he was 6 months old when we met so he doesn't know anything else. It is like loosing a mother to him.

 

I am a bit emotional today folks sorry it has been exactly 3 months since the breakup today. I don't think I have shed a tear in a month but I am now.

 

Awww, sorry your son is involved in all of this. Yeah that is a long time that you were together with her and a long time that she was in your son's life. And yeah this basically is like him loosing a mother. So sorry. And sorry you're not feeling great today. Relationships are tough and basically a gamble. Unfortunately it's a gamble with our emotions, time, efforts, and more.

 

Hang in there, you'll be okay.

[jennamajig]

Aww, Robert I'm approaching my three month mark soon so I can completely relate.

 

It's unfortunate that your son is in the middle of all this. But based on what he said to you, he sounds like a great kid who adores his dad. It will be hard for him, but perhaps best in the long run. The behavior she's been exhibiting lately would not be good for him to be exposed to. Give him an extra hug and I send a cyber one both of your ways.

 

A good friend told me three months is the hardest hurdle. That once you cross that it is so much easier. So take today to feel, hurt, vent. Take today for you. And enjoy the time with your son tonight.

[Robert013]

Aww, Robert I'm approaching my three month mark soon so I can completely relate.

 

It's unfortunate that your son is in the middle of all this. But based on what he said to you, he sounds like a great kid who adores his dad. It will be hard for him, but perhaps best in the long run. The behavior she's been exhibiting lately would not be good for him to be exposed to. Give him an extra hug and I send a cyber one both of your ways.

 

A good friend told me three months is the hardest hurdle. That once you cross that it is so much easier. So take today to feel, hurt, vent. Take today for you. And enjoy the time with your son tonight.

 

Gosh i hope so it seems logical. The first three months are the most intense for sure. I think most of the grieving is done in the first three months. The next month will be better because I will make it better.

 

Yeah he is a great kid and I will make tonight extra special but i will not let him know why. Like I said before he needs to heal also and if i don't talk about it then she is out of his sight and out of his mind.

 

I am starting to feel a bit better already but today is a hurdle that I have to overcome.

[jennamajig]

Gosh i hope so it seems logical. The first three months are the most intense for sure. I think most of the grieving is done in the first three months. The next month will be better because I will make it better.

 

Yeah he is a great kid and I will make tonight extra special but i will not let him know why. Like I said before he needs to heal also and if i don't talk about it then she is out of his sight and out of his mind.

 

I am starting to feel a bit better already but today is a hurdle that I have to overcome.

 

You can do it. You have made great progress already.

 

I do hope my friend is right. Emotions are intense the first couple of months. When it happens, you're numb. I was. I just existed and moved out. The true grieving process didn't start until later.

 

Yep, no need to talk about it with your son. Chances are tonight he will know you are hurting and he may give you an extra hug himself. Kids are just intuitive like that.

[montgomery]

day 1, I guess, after yesterday's * * * * * * * reach.

 

I feel OK. a sort of fevered despair has been replaced by something much more angry and indignant. I don't like it much more; I don't want to have a problem with her.

 

I should've known she wouldn't want to talk to me. she's said before that when we talk, when we're together, it makes it much harder for her to resist herself. I know she's forcing herself as much as I am - well, maybe not quite as much ;-) - but for different reasons.

 

I still wonder what happened to the gorgeous girl who wanted to talk to me one night, and told me she'd had a crush on me for two years, who seemed so incredibly happy with me, only to drop me like a stone, out of the blue, a few short months later. I wonder how she turned into this strange, stubborn thing who I don't know, who won't give me an inch.

 

I'm so sad that we've got to where we are from where we were, from exchanging furtive, blushing smiles to avoiding each other's eyes. NC, when we see each other the whole time, seems so hostile.

 

but I know now what I should've known before. she means it.

 

boo.

[crab62]

I still wonder what happened to the gorgeous girl who wanted to talk to me one night, and told me she'd had a crush on me for two years, who seemed so incredibly happy with me, only to drop me like a stone, out of the blue, a few short months later. I wonder how she turned into this strange, stubborn thing who I don't know, who won't give me an inch.

 

 

while you were investing yourself further, she was planning the break-up. while you were ordering food out, she was thinking "can I really do this"... when you were thinking of her and the future, she was thinking of the best day to break up with you...

 

that's what happened to her. who you thought was really there, wasn't at all... at least for the last few months at least. people don't think about breaking up in a matter of weeks, it takes months. she really didn't "turn" into anything suddenly... she slowly became this person but she didn't show it to you... because she wanted to make sure of her decision before she decided to do.

 

unfortunately this leaves you a victim. this leaves you with the hurt, and this leaves you with so many questions... that you find this board and you talk about it, because you need to heal. but she doesn't have any questions or concerns... because she had the benefit of doing that "while" still in your company....

 

so what happened to that girl is that she changed... but unfortunately she wasn't communicating those changes to you, hence you had no change of changing with her or working things out. she didn't want to work things out. she decided on her own, on her own time, on her own volition, to end it... with no regard to you.

 

just like my exbf.

 

maybe you should read some books on narcissism... it's quite appropriate, as sad as that is.

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[crab62]

day 19... wow...

 

Not sure how I feel... probably apathetic I guess. I'm not in so much pain these last few days but I don't feel an overwhelming sense of joy either. I think of him all the time still, and my head still wonders what he was thinking and why he decided to pick up and leave without wanting to work on it at all, but I guess I will just never know that.

 

I'm in training this week and the girl next to me is annoying. She got mad at me yesterday for talking to myself while doing a lab, whatever. I went to lunch and I was feeling so blah... and then I saw the church I had gone to the support group at. I walked in and a mass was starting... how lucky is that. So I sat through mass and I prayed really hard for my peace and for other things. I asked God to forgive me if I hurt Michael's feelings at all during the relationship, and I asked him to help me through this breakup. I also asked him to help me forgive him.

 

... but it felt good to go to church. I used to go all the time, but I don't so much anymore. I am training in a different part of Chicago than where I work, so this church is not accessible to me after this week... at least not this easily during lunch. However, I just might have to start attending the early evening mass before heading home on the train, maybe that will be good. Being there yesterday gave me such a sense of peace.

 

Anyway... that's all I have. I have no desire to contact the ex at all. I miss him and think of him all the time, and I'm sure come Spring and Summer I will run into him... but I have nothing to say to him. It's definitely over and I look forward to more peaceful days ahead.

 

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone... stay strong!

[Robert013]

WARNING!!! Do not block emotions.

 

This goes out to all. Yesterday was one of the hardest days to date for me. I had a emotional breakdown. I was in tears all day and forced them at night. The reason is that I was blocking my sadness.

 

We all have emotions that we can deal with better than other emotions. I can deal with the anger but i am terrified of the sadness. I do not cry or let out my sadness it is hard for me. For instance the last time I actualy cried before this breakup was about 2 years ago at my old college roomates funeral. I can't deal with sadness so I block it.

 

Yesterday was a turning point for me. It was the 3 month mark of the breakup and it hit me hard. I couldn't stop it I was in dispair all day long. I did not cry over the loss of the relationship in over a month and a half. I was blocking the sadness. Well what they say is true if you try to block or hide your feelings they will come out eventually.

 

After i was all done crying for the day my son and I sat down to grieve over the memories of the relationship together. He tried to look at the pictures of my ex and him in a photo album a few weeks ago that I have stored in his room out of site. I told him to put it down because I am affraid of it. Last night we looked at it together and cried, but it was not so bad because we cried over the memories and what was lost. We needed this. He needed this. I have decided to face my fear head on and will devote one day to grieving the memories so I can be sad. I do not want it to build anymore. I will trigger the sadness if I have to so I can grieve the loss. Once my trigger does not make me cry anymore then I can move on to the next stage of healing.

 

I was told last night that I have not spent enouph time grieving the loss of the relationship and this I believe to be true. I have spent so much time and energy staying busy to block the sadness that I have not grieved the loss. I have spent to much time being angry because I can handle the anger.

 

This i realized was a pattern for me. Everytime I had to grieve a loss I would try to block the sadness until it had to come out. When it does it is the most intense sadness you can imagine. I will not let sadness build anymore.

 

Today a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am feeling okay probably the best since the breakup. I am not angry, I am not sad just a bit tired. The pictures triggered some dreams that made me a bit restless. But it still wasn't that bad.

 

I will remain in NC with a better understanding of myself.