THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[babes23]

I'm back once agian, story of my life eh. Well after giving things one final go it hasn't worked out, i'm disappearing out of his life forever now and i know that no contact is the thing which will win and help me heal in the long run.

 

So DAY 1 of no contact for me.

 

I can't wait till i'm as progressed as some of you on on the no contact, can't wait to be rid of him in my mind.

[Jay_Bird]

I know what your talking about,day 29 was hard for me but it ended good

 

Day 30

 

I was laying in bed last night,and I asked myself,I really really asked myself

 

after this whole month,of all the pain you went through

 

if this girl,really came back to you would it be worth it to take her back

 

and you know what my answer was........it was a no

 

and I am going to build off that no,and I know I will get stronger

[greeneyedgal]

Possibly this isn't so hard for me as others as it's been a year and a half since we broke up but we were living together and still 'best friends' on a purely platonic basis and possibly became closer in that way until I moved away two months ago.

 

So in THAT way withdrawal hit me hard - became too dependent on his (almost) daily contact once I'd moved to keep going but it was also making me sad at the same time.

 

I feel ok now - not sure if it changes after a certain point. I guess everyone is different. It is a Friday and I have half a day off today so I'm pleased about that. The weekend may be a different matter as I imagine what he may be up to. At least I am working so that will keep my mind occupied - keep the faith people! *virtual pat on the back to all of you*

[ryan2000]

OMG ryan2000 I think I just saw you! haha - fellow aussie in the know and all

.

 

haha. OMG this is still so embarrasing, but............. i'll be honest with you........... i have received ALOT of support and compliments, and i am not in a position to believe them yet, but it's the best i have felt about myself in weeks.

 

link removed

[ryan2000]

Day 3 (10)

 

Yesterday was strange again. Up & down emmotions all day.

 

Woke up crying this morning, yet again......... the mornings are easily the hardest, which is why i chose to write my diary in the mornings.

 

Yesterday afternoon, i received TONS of messages, e-mails, texts regarding me on the CLEO Bachelor of the Year Comp. Wonderfull compliments.

It made me feel good about myself, something i haven't felt in a long time.

 

Mid afternoon, i even managed a smile. It was a strange sensation, as my cheeks haven't used those muscles in a few weeks.

 

I had therapy last night, and on the way there i started thinking about how positive i had been all day (a MASSIVE change from the last time my theapist met with me, when i was crying in a fit of anxiety).

Then, all of a sudden.................. my positivity started to fade. It was strange, but i felt guilty of feeling positive. I felt un-worthy of feeling good about myself.

 

Again, i received many WONDERFULL messages of support yesterday from friends, family and strangers who i don't even know. It should have filled me with enough confidence to conquer everest for god sake, yet here i was forcing myself NOT to believe it. To reject it.

 

It's hard to explain why i do that, as i am not even sure of it myself. My Psychatrist seems to think it dates back to my teenages years when i had servere sistic acne. But to be honest, i just simply think that if i am all these things people say i am, then why doesn't my ex think that way?

 

I brought that up with my Pyschatrist. She was very much trying to get the most out of me last night. Our 1hr session went for 2 hours........... and she Bulk Bills me too.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, i started to realise that My ex always saw me as her 'Rock'. As this positive and confident man who she felt secure with.

 

The fact that since we broke up i have been an emmotional mess and is suffering from depression, she is no longer attracted to me because i am not the man i was. She is fighting off her own demons, and needs time to find herself, i realise this now.

 

She is off doing what she needs to do. And she may very well realise that she has made a mistake and that this new guy is not what she's looking for.......... but i need to learn AND ACCEPT that that is not of my concern.

 

My concern now is me. I need to become a better man for myself before i can be a better man for anybody else.

 

Again, i still push away any thoughts or comments of me being attractive, nice, blah blah blah - whatever.......... but i am learning to believe it.

I must admit, the thought of this new guy she's interested in seeing does give me the inspiration to be better. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but it's helping me nonetheless.

 

For example, i'm constantly thinking that he's better looking (which i know he's not) that he has a better body, a better job, treats her better, etc etc etc.

Now, deep down, i know that's not true, but i feel it anyway. It's hard. But i'm gonna look at it as a positive. I'm gonna tell myself that HE IS INFACT BETTER................ That will give me the courage and strength i need to do the things i fear the most,............... BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

 

I tell myself he is better - so i must BECOME BETTER.

 

Yeah i know - it's insecurity coming through, i know this. But rather than focus on the negative aspects of my insecurity, i'm gonna use it as a positive. It's the only way i'm gonna learn.

 

NOTE

unfortunately, the TV show i was working on tonight has had to be postponed due to permits, but i WILL be doing it next friday night. I'm excited about it. I need to do this, and do it well!

 

EDIT

ANother thing i'd like to add that's quite cute.

 

I have a pet Parrot, named Birdy. I love him to death. He is 6 years old now and the most intelligent bird you will ever meet.

Anyway, he has started to hear me cry in the mornings. And this morning, as i lay in bed crying, he flew over to me and landed on my pillow and started giving me kisses.

He is such a good boy!

[ryan2000]

Day 3 (10) Take 2.

 

Have had a very tough afternoon.

 

Not much to do at work, so i deleted old e-mails in my hotmail account.

 

Have found e-mails from my ex dating back to 2004 and right up to just recently. Wonderfull e-mails.

We were so happy, talking about marrige, how madly we're in love.

 

Then, total heartbreak.............

 

I found an old e-mail from a friend who went to our engagement party and sent me photos.

She looked so beautiful. She always does. But that night, infront of all my friends and family, i was so proud to show her off! To tell everybody around me that THIS IS MY GIRL!

 

Now, i find myself crying at work....... yet again!

 

I hate this. Why can't i drive around to her place now and tell her just how much she means to me??????

I was raised on Cary Grant & Audrey Hepburn films, it always works for them! Why is that such a bad thing to do?

 

It just seems so right. So romantic. So spontaneous. So perfect.

 

Me, a big bunch of flowers, surprising her and declaring my absolute love and devotion to the most amazing and perfect woman that stands before me.

 

Nothing is making sense right now. Just after i was so confident in myself too.

 

Damn

[greeneyedgal]

Wadecure, I'm sorry to hear about you feeling so bad, my thoughts are with you. You can make it matey - stay positive - you will attract positivity.

 

Ryan, you sound like a hopeless romantic - wow this must have hit you hard - you were with this woman for what looks like a long time. I remember waking up in the morning crying it's one of the most hopeless feelings I know - it's totally crushing. It's sweet that your bird gives you kisses - one of my most treasured moments are when my cat nudges my eyelids with her wet nose in the morning - pets are definitely good value especially when you are sad it seems they have a way of knowing so they try to cheer you up.

 

Today I have to admit I felt @%^#house and got a bottle of wine on the way home - albeit with some good cheeses. lol. I feel the need not to feel anything at the moment as I feel quite numb. Going to a psych is a good step Ryan - I know I should probably go and see someone also but I'm soldiering on - I just wanted to point out whether you are realising that you have some beautiful qualities on the inside also? It's all well and good that ppl are giving you support and compliments for your entry into this comp but don't forget what is on the inside that is valuable also even though this sounds cringeworthily cliched. It is something I've been working on - self acceptance - I am always so anxious about what others think of me and lately I heard something really useful which helped me gain confidence - 'It doesn't matter so much what others think of me, what matters more is what I think of myself' - when I remember to think this, I feel so much more like a weight is lifted in my mind when dealing with people. Sure I am not an unattractive woman myself but it is not the only way I will gain self-esteem in future. As obviously it was not enough for my ex to hold onto me - I guess I was going through some kind of life crisis at the time and bad depression myself and so now I'm working on becoming a little more happier with the simple things. Of course, I'm alot more isolated in the country also - I think I have encountered one attractive and intelligent male in this town thus far and sadly he is probably 8 years my junior. Haha - it doesn't matter anyways as he'd go the way the other men I tried to date since my ex did - by the wayside as they never compared. He still holds this above my head even though he did not want me to start with - what can I do now? I can't feel guilty over it forever. Ah well I have not heard from him in a couple of days now so touch wood for the weekend. I wish I could go out and dance to cheesy eighties music all weekend instead of working - sorry I'm rambling - catch you all later!

[ryan2000]

GreenEyed......... I'm doing the same thing as you on my way home from work.

 

And you've inspired me to even grab some nice cheeses to go along with it.

 

I know damn well Alchol is not the best answer to my current problems, but stuff it! It's been a crap day, and a very tough one emmotionally for me. I'm doing it!~

 

Your strength is inspirational to me GreenEyed. Thanks for your support. I was quite stressed out before. I have calmed down now, but i was mere inches away from jumping in my car to drive over to see her.

 

It all sounds so right in my head. But it wouldn't come out that way. I think those types of spontaneous romantic gestures and fantasys can only be pulled off by the likes of Cary Grant, of which i am not.

 

It's been a tough day, and a disappointing one at that. I'm quite angry at myself at the moment. I was feeling so good about myself before but yet again i have denied Ryan the confidence and self belief he needs to move on.

 

Indeed, wine would be good.

[Stelinha]

Can't believe a week has gone by really quickly- it's helps to be busy.

I'm still missing him but don't have as much time to thing about it!

Writing on this forum everyday and reading about other people going through the same thing is the thing that has helped me to keep strong so far.

[greeneyedgal]

Wow I don't want to inspire people to get drunk on wine! I was just sharing where I am at - I'm listening to freakin' sad songs and feeling sorry for myself at the moment but I hope to hell I'm back on the straight road again in a few days.

 

It's amazing what the absense of oxytocin or the love hormone will do to our brains - no wonder people become love addicts - if that is what makes us feel good - it's sobering to know though that we are just prisoners to our hormones in a really reductionist way. lol. "Wow do you have low oxytocin levels also? My ex just broke up with me too!" Too funny when you put it that way.

 

I told my ex twice after we broke up that I still love him and once it was kind of brushed off and the second time he stared at me in awkward silence - bzzt! Not doing that again! It's humiliating and soul-destroying at the same time - maybe it works better for Cary Grant! Who knows? I know that declaring your love is probably not the best move currently. Make yourself scarce - make her/him wonder what you're up to!

[greeneyedgal]

Wow, just when I thought it was safe, he phoned me - i didn't answer but he did ask some stupid question about something obscure - i texted him back the answer to keep him quiet. Not sure if this was right but I didn't phone him back like he requested. I really feel like slitting my wrists tonight maybe it's just the wine - I think a warm shower and bed are on the cards. Harsh day!

[hulk7280]

i can very much relate to this.. my ex lives almost accross the street from me.. i just want to go over there and end this nonsense.. but i know i cant .. i have to distance myself from her, because as long as i hvae hope we will get back together.. i will never heal.

[WadeCure]

Final Report I

 

I've completed the challenge. I'm now 31 days NC according to the challenge (and about 40 not including the challenge). First of all, want to say thanks to SuperDave (this challenge was a brilliant idea that has helped myself and I'm sure countless others, it's wonderful to have this online 'support group' for NC) and thanks to everyone here for their support of me throughout this time. So first of all I'll go ahead and give my advice to those of you doing NC, what I've done to make it go easier and be more effective.

 

What I've learned and can share for the No Contacters

 

1) Do this for you. Do not use this as a tool to get your ex back. It might (and that's the keyword: might) happen as a byproduct, but it should not only be not your primary focus, not your secondary focus, but it shouldn't be in any focus at all. There are absolutely no guarantees and it probably is very unlikely that your ex will return - so burn it in your head that your ex is not coming back. Do NOT do this for the sole reason to get your ex back. If you do this, you will miss the whole point of NC, which is to advance yourself, strengthen yourself, and become a thousand times better than you were during your relationship with your ex and even before your relationship with your ex. If you do this for the sole reason to get your ex back, regardless of the outcome, you will fail. So don't even think about a reconciliation.

 

2) Realize the following statement is true: when one door closes, another opens. Start focusing on the following statement. Say this to yourself: I will love again, one day, and the love I will have will be just as good if not better than the ex. If your relationship was a bad one, remember it is better to be in no relationship and have options than to be in the wrong one and not have options.

 

3) Realize you are not solely to blame for the relationships failure. Most of the time the reason relationships fail in my view is a lack of communication or communication issues. In my case for example I was expected to be a mindreader and just pick up on clues that she was unhappy, she never came out and said it. This is an unrealistic expectation. Had she come out and said it, I would have fixed the problem immediately. If you didn't know, then you are not entirely to blame because you weren't informed. PERIOD. It's not 100% your fault, no matter what your ex says to you or the way he/she feels.

 

4) Exercise. Even if you don't feel like it. You'll be surprised at what jogging around your city/town will do for your mood. It'll elevate it quite a bit. I've lost 15-20lbs since my break up, and I'm in great shape. You can do the same. If you can get your physical body in good working order, your mind will also lift up.

 

5) New hobbies. Add new hobbies, hobbies that challenge you and require you to exert some physical or mental force. It will take your mind away from the problems. I took up mountain biking and I'm loving it so far!

 

6) Don't be alone! Hang with family or friends. If this is not possible right now, immerse yourself in #5. The point is, do whatever you can to distract yourself from thoughts of your ex.

 

Last... and most important.

 

7) GOD. If you don't have a relationship with God, I encourage you to learn more about Jesus Christ and what He did to save us all. My relationship with God has been fully restored as a result of the break up, and I can tell you first hand that relying on Him is the best thing you could possibly do. I'm a thousand times better than I was, and I owe everything to God. For those of you who think that hope is gone, remember Jeremiah 29:11:

 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

[WadeCure]

Final Report II

 

What I've learned in my own case

 

First of all the question is, do I still love my ex? Yes I do. Don't want to, but I do. Do I still harbour hopes of us getting back together? My mind does not, but my heart does. The difference between my mind and my heart is this - my mind knows that this relationship was entirely wrong for me, and in my present state it most definitely is wrong for me, and it knows that my heart wants her back for entirely the wrong reasons. Simply put, my heart would rather have the wrong stuff than no stuff. Three or four weeks prior to the actual break up when I was contemplating leaving her, when I told my Dad this, he said the unbelievable thing of "if you leave her you may never find another girl." He brought up the example that I had never had a girlfriend until 24. All this spirit breaking stuff. I'm trying to not believe what my Dad told me. Would I get back together with her if she asked me back? As much as it would destroy my heart, I would not. I'm 26 years old, I want something mature, and I don't feel I got that with my ex. My needs were not met in this relationship, I don't think. But what if she made significant change? Well all indication is that she won't. When I heard that she started to hang out with her horrible awful friend again, I knew then and there that she had made a colossal downgrade. My fear is that I'm telling myself a fib and that if that really were to happen I would succumb to the longing in my heart and accept her back. To do that would discredit the significant progress that I made since NC began. I'm not the same person that I was when I dated her. I'm a lot better. God made me a lot better. I can't ignore that. A great example of the progress: When I was with my ex, I was very shy, I wouldn't play drums in front of people. I would go to Guitar Center and want to play drums but people would be around so I wouldn't do it. Last Sunday in front of about 500 people, I played drums in front of people. That's a huge step forward for me.

 

I plan on continuing NC forever. Even if she contacts me or tries to. I sincerely doubt that she will because the last time I talked to her the last two things I said were "please don't ever talk to me again" and "I asked you not to talk to me please respect that." She waived her rights to me when she rejected me. She relinquished all of that. SuperDave put it best in his wonderful No Contact For Dummies e-book: "they forefeited their privileges at the door the moment they said goodbye." A lot of people are able to be friends with an ex. When I take a look at myself (and I feel bad for this, really bad) I don't think I am able to do that. I wouldn't be able to handle being around them when she is with another person. It would break my heart. So I don't think it's possible for me and my ex to have a friendship for a couple of years maybe sad to say, and I feel guilty and awful for that - but I don't want to hurt and I have to look out for me.

 

I don't feel ready to date yet. I probably wont for a couple of months. There's so much in my life I have to get in order. I don't know where I am going to live, what job I'm going to have, or anything. I keep praying for direction and relying that I will get some direction from above. In the meantime I take it day by day. There's going to be times where I will feel bad, I know this. But each day I hope it lessens and eventually it will go away entirely. Thanks everyone for listening.

[babes23]

Day 2

 

Feel quite empty so no words to express today, the journey continues...

[babes23]

Great post WadeCure, thanks for that x

[Jay_Bird]

I agree with you wade

 

and good post

 

 

day 31 for me also

 

and I agree with #7

 

my relationship with God is back where it should be

 

I know God did this brake up to show me,not to rely on anyone but him

 

you can't make anyone your life,because we are simply human,and they will fail you everytime

 

I am so much stronger and better person now,and I am going to continue to push that even further

 

and for the people who are on their first week

 

the pain will ease bit by bit,but in order to do that,you have to take everything about them out of your life

 

myspace everything

 

myspace held me back,but I realize don't check for it,it will only delay progress

 

keep your head up,and stay strong,and you will do good

[Robert013]

I actually broke of all contact 4 day's ago, but I saw her in the pub last night and she asked me a question. I will start the challenge from today.

 

If I see here in the pub but we do not have any conversation and i keep my distance this counts as no contact correct?

[Stelinha]

Many Thanks to Jay_bird and Wadecure for the wonderful words!

 

Oh and greeneyed - pat on the back for your strength in not ringing him back. It must be soooo hard and I really admire you!

[greeneyedgal]

I went to bed early but can't sleep so I logged on - inspirational words wadecure and all of you also - thanks for being so supportive. I have a feeling that as time goes on, it is becoming more about 'getting back together' in my mind than the more realistic and noble aim of healing. This is because I am missing him more and the bad stuff is somehow being swept aside in my mind for the good stuff. Thanks for the reality check wadecure. A question I'd like to ask is - is it easier for you NCers who DON'T hear from your ex during this period? And for those who DO hear from your ex, does the contact become less in time? I would find it hard to tell my ex I am doing NC as he would think it petty and absurd. Also what happens in a month? Am I allowed to talk to him again? Now that I'm a super human with lots of interests, how will this change the fact that I've turned my back on my best (and only real) friend? I think I will only find myself more alone and making new friends is not my forte especially not in this two horse town! lol. I know I'm sounding defeatist right now and am probably a bit hormonal making this all the more difficult at the moment. I admire this cold hard logic males profess to have! ](*,)

[cas]

Day 3 of NC.

 

God I miss her. I can't stop thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, as long as I haven't heard a definite "it's over!".

[Stelinha]

Hi Greeneyedgal, just wanted to make a comment on your question

is it's easier to maintain NC when someone doesn't contact you?

 

My ex wanted to be a 'friend' after we spilt up and was in constant contact for months- more than I could keep up with actually!!

He then told me he still loved me but went all weird in a matter of days after this declaration and said we were just best friends? I was then demoted to good friends and finally just a friend!!!

Knowing full well that I still absolutely adore him he didn't keep the boundaries as friends clear; Sometimes it seemed he was open to the possibility of a reconciliation and yet at other times he was 'I don't want to get your hopes up

Didn't know what he wanted

So I found out He is more hot and cold than Spanish flu

I got so, so fed up with this.

Anyway, after a while the contact dropped off to a point where he wouldn't really make any effort with me at all but then would, occasionally 'out of the blue' contact me and expect everything to be just the same as it was 'we're best buddies

I felt used and disrespected and confused really.

To anwser your question: Now I haven't heard from him for ages I think No contact is indeed easier when you don't hear from them as I never stuck with NC very long in the past because I felt I had to reply to any bit contact he made him just in case I messed up the chances of us getting back together (after all he might think I don't love him anymore!!). Crazy woman I was!!

And, like some complete fool, When he did contact me I'd usually go running for the crumbs of affection and attention he was willing to give me at that moment.

He knew he had me right where he wanted and I was always there on the backburner in case he changed his mind.

Greeneyedgal- I think only you know your ex, his personality and how you feel he really feels about you and you also know your own unique situation. Personally, I would have a talk to him and explain you still love him but that it is painful staying friends when you know he has no intention of getting back together. I myself, would need a period of NC before I could be a true platonic friend.

He should respect your feelings if he is indeed your true friend.

I haven't completely eliminated the possibility I could be my ex's friend one day but only after a period of no contact when those romantic feelings had gone completely and I have healed. I know that being friends now would be me just kidding myself.

I would ask him if he wanted to be just friends or if he is open to recocilliation. If he just wanted to be mates and never sees getting back together as a real possibility then, if you still love him, trying to stay friends with him may cause you much pain and suffering.

[Azudragon]

Day 60

 

wow, i think im cured. My secret is to change how you see your life and women, i started working out,and having a social life, and i believe this "no contact challenge" has given me the skills and perspective to succeed and im ready to be her friend again.... im happy with the results!!!

[WadeCure]

SHE BROKE CONTACT.

 

Just got an e-mail, "Hey, how are you?"

 

NOT RESPONDING. Too much progress to ignore it all. Guys keep me from contacting back.

[Dosed]

Damn - was right on the verge of clicking "send" containing a loving/sincere email when I realised 2 things.

 

1: She hasn't been the slightest bit put out during the course of the break up and made any kind/warm heart felt gestures to make me feel any more at ease with the whole thing so why on earth am I about to try and make it easier for her? The answer - probably because I'm trying to make it easier on myself in some twisted way & I'm longing for that one email to be sitting there in my inbox when I next log in so I claw back some self worth - I know, it comes from dealing with the situation like a man and avoiding those situations, especially when I have insisted on no contact. (I'm not interested in recon - simply like to remain a decent guy like I (like to think I) was during the relationship.

 

No.2: I realised that I'd be letting you guys down by hitting send! That's what clinched it for me. I deleted ever letter by one and felt so much better for not sending it.

 

Gotta keep going!!!