ryan2000

I think i'm on day 23 on my second attempt at NC. It's still so god-damn hard. The dreams still happen everynight. That's the one that annoys me the most. It's so cruel. To be honest guys, i've posted in another thread that i am considering running away to the UK. 10,000 miles away from her...........seems like the only way i'm gonna get over her!

Day 20 (27) Sorry guys. This is the day i am breaking NC. For anybody that wishes to know why, see the thread i started last night. Gotta give it a shot............. it's just who i am.

Day 16 (23) The last words i heard her say to me, 23 days ago, continue to echo through my head, each time delivering a sharp stabbing pain in my chest. It repeats, over and over and over. It's all too much. I am not tall enough to ride this emotional roller-coaster, i should have never gotten on. 23 days and i still hurt. I still hope. I wish. I pray. Yes - despite the fact that God clearly has it in for me this year, i still pray. Wishfull thinkings of heartbroken fool. So much work has been done on 'Me', yet it is never enough. The last words she said to me delivered a punch that sent me flying to the canvass. 23 days i've been trying to pick myself up. It's just so hard. I still see my friend, the one i was intimate with just a week ago. But we are strict on it being a once off only. We needed it, that connection. Selfish, perhaps, but we both understood each others position. She made me feel wanted, appreciated, even sexy. I needed those feelings, i needed that attention. But, when reality kicked in as hard and as fast as it usually does and i realised it wasn't her (My Ex), the minute amount of confidence that i had fought so hard to regain quickly diminished. Constantly i try to remind myself that i am a decent guy. I treated her well, cared for her immensely and loved her dearly. She was my world, my future and the reason i am who i am. I would live to feel her presense next to me, it would make my heart beat that much faster and my smile extend that much wider. Damn you Ryan for thinking you could move on so easy. So, where to from here? What happens when i sleep tonight? How will i cope when i wake tomorrow after yet another dream that delivers my heart with more false-hope? Damn you Ryan, you fool. Again, i am not condoning this, but wine does indeed help. I think i'll try a Red tonight, just to be different. GreenEyed? Care to recommend me any cheeses to accompany my shiraz?

Day 13 (20) The weekend was tough. It was such a long way to fall off that emotional high i was on last Friday. The feeling of being wanted by somebody again. I'd forgotten how wonderful that felt. To dismiss such feelings the next morning is something that I’ve never done before, but for the sake of our friendship, she suggested it would be 'for the best'. I do know this, she is scared. She fears that if we have another 'encounter' such as the one we had last week, she may find herself 'falling' for a guy who is still so madly in love with his ex. She is of course correct. I am still madly in love with her. However, the only time i haven't 'missed' her was when I was with (let's just call her' "L") So now "L" is being protective of her own heart, something I admire. Again, it's a hard thing for me to dismiss such an encounter. But for her safety i know that i must. But it's back to me missing my ex and missing her i am. I payed a visit to my Grandma this week. She is not well. Two months, maybe three. But to see the smile on her face you would be forgiven for thinking that she was healthy and happy with many fine years ahead. Sadly no, it's cancer and she is in pain. She smiles because she'll soon be seeing my Grandfather, her partner of 60 years, who has been waiting for her since February this year. I brought her some flowers. She loves flowers. Much to my amazement, she mentioned to me that Pa never brought her flowers. 'Huh-What?-Never?' 'Never' she says. 'Not even chocolates'. My Pa was a beautiful man. A loving husband, a caring father and the best-damn Grandfather that his nine Grandchildren could ever have hoped for. I have always looked up to him, and with me being the 'hopeless (& pathetic) romantic that i am, i just had to ask her the question. 'Grandma, tell me the most romantic thing Pa ever did for you!' And she began to tell me a story of when she arrived at the docks to await my Pa's arrival. Pa had been at sea for 9 months. He was in the Navy, and boy did he look handsome in his uniform. My grandmother waited for him for over an hour. She saw the faces of 300 other sailors, yet could not see his. After a while, she gave up and caught the tram home. As she approached the front door she was grabbed from behind. It was my Grandfather. He pulled her close and made up for 9 months of missing her with a kiss, a kiss meant just for her. Grandma, completely in a trance at this tall uniformed naval officer, had to try and contain herself. For as much as she was enjoying this moment, she did have some sad news for him. Grandma was actually seeing somebody else at the time my Grandfather was at sea. Sailors come and go, she told me, she never thought she would see him again, let alone still be in love with him. So she told him. The look on my Pa's face though, was not a look of concern. He simply paused for a moment, smiled at her and said 'Well you better give him up, cause i wanna marry ya!' And she did. Nine months after his passing, I still find myself wanting to be half the man my Grandfather was. Sadly, I wasn’t as strong as he was. He stood there, un-phased and not a sign of concern when told of this ‘Other Guy’. Me? I cried and ran.

Day 10 (17) Constantly tried reminded myself yesterday of qualities that people quite often express to me. So sick and tired of thinking about her. I need, I MUST start thinking about me. It's HER loss! I am attractive. I am romantic. I am wanted. YOU miss out. Last night, my friend came over. I owed her a home cooked meal and a bottle of wine anyway, and the company was appreciated. One bottle? Silly me..............,four bottles is what i really meant to say! We made love Perhpas it was the candles, or perhaps it was the wine. It very well could have been the pasta that i just recently perfected. Whatever it was, i am very much appreciative of it. Sure, I am expecting some 'wired' and 'uncomfortable' moments to arise the next time we see each other, which is pretty much everynight consider she frequents the same pub i do. I'll address them when they come. But right now, i couldn't care less. The confidence that it restored in me is amazing. To be wanted like that is a feeling i haven't experienced in quite a while. It was indeed long overdue. Am i deserving of such feelings? My heart wants so much to believe that. In time, i will, and this certainly did help speed the process up that's for sure. The smile on my face is far to hard to remove as i constantly play out last nights events in my mind. Over and over. I like smiling, it's so theraputic! Perhaps i should try and do it more often Day 10 (17) is a wonderful day.

Day 9 (16) I'm not writing too much today. The anger has kicked in. It feels good. You don't deserve me. Reminding myself of that fact is what i need more than anything right now. YOU have lost me, NOT the other way around.

Day 8 (15) Sorry mum, i didn't mean to worry you. To much is on your plate as it is and I do not wish to burden you any further. It was Mum's birthday last night. We went out for a family dinner, which was tough for me to handle with a straight face. There was a member of our family missing, my ex. She should have been there. She was nice enough to drop in and see my mum during the day though, she gave her a lovely charm to add to the charm-bracelet she gave my mum for Christmas. I was quite upset yesterday when i heard that. My ex spent the whole day with my Grandma and then spent time with my mum. Rejection is something i don't deal with too well and it hit me hard when hearing of the news that my Ex is still in contact with my family. I am that bad? I am that repulsive? The rest of my life is so attractive to you but i am not? With this other chap you have successfully replaced me, but please - keep my family and any other aspects of my life you love so much! Now your life is perfect, now your life is My Life minus me! Mum had a good night. She enjoyed the company of her family cramped around the tiny dinner table. She had a wonderful smile. She is very deserving of such a smile too. I tried so hard mum to keep the moment bottled up inside me, desperately pleading with it to stay down, pushing it towards the pit of my stomach. 'PLEASE, come out later if you must but not now, not in front of her! I beg you.' I held on as long as i could but the tears still came............ and my Mum's smile faded. I REFUSE to let her see me in my moments. Nobody deserves that burden, especially of all my Mum. My Grandmother is ill. She has pancreatic cancer and is now in palliative care. A few months perhaps. Mum was delivered this news yesterday morning, the morning of her birthday. For her to see her son cry like he does after hearing such news is NOT an option. I refuse. REFUSE. Goodnight mum, i have to leave. And leave i did. I walked 5km before the tears finally dried up, allowing me to hail a cab without frightening off the driver. Not even a Cab Driver deserves to see me in my moments. Again, Nobody Does! I went home, ignored all calls from my family, and drank. I do not condone or encourage drinking for anybody reading this. But for me, it helps. I drink until i became numb enough, then i tire and fall asleep. Sad, i know. But it works. What is wrong with me? I have zero control of the situation. She is but a GIRL Ryan. A member of the opposite sex in which there are approximately 3.1billion in the world. Why? Because, quite simply, you still love her Ryan. She still has your heart and for some strange reason you are not accepting it's return. Is it the pain that you like so much that is delaying your acceptance? Hard Core S&M could be the way to go if that's the case! It would sure hurt less than love! Lucky me, i have made it to Day 8 (15) without contact. Congratulations. Woo Hoo, ye-hah, woopdie-bloody-do. My Grandmother, who has but a few months ahead of her, lost her partner in February of this year. My Grandpa was a loving, caring & devoted man to all of his family, but most of all his wife. 60 years of marriage. 60 years, and he would still look at her with the most loving gaze. 60 years! She is ready to go. She wants to go. In those 60 years, they would have maybe spent but a few days without each other. She misses him and is excited about seeing her loving husband again. She is excited at seeing him gaze at her the way he always would, even after 60 years. She is already smiling at the thought. My grandfather loved another woman too. He loved my Ex. She was with him almost everyday up until the end. He was so happy for me to be with such a woman and pleaded with me to forever make her feel special, feel loved & feel appreciated. I always did Pa. I had the very same gaze for her as you did for Grandma. But, sadly, it wasn't enough. I feel i have let down my entire family and all those around me. My Grandma, my Pa, my mum, and of course.......... her! Day 8 is not a good day. I write my journal on this site not for people to read, nor to offer any advice (and let's face it, whatever advice i have should probably be ignored completely). I write on this site because it makes me feel better. Today, it hasn't.

Hulk7280.......... It's just my opinion here mate, and of course i could be completely wrong here (most of the times i'm wrong, just to pre-warn you) but................ I see SO MANY positives in that e-mail from your ex. The way i see it, she does indeed still love you. Take it from a man who was in your position just a few months back. Give her time and space when she asks for it. I'll confess, i have little or no knowledge of the female species. However, what i do know is this................ when a woman asks for time and space, give her exactly that. Trust in her that she wont date anybody else. Trust to a woman is very important, not to mention very attractive. Have faith mate. Your in a tough position, and for that i sympathise with you, but give her time and space to miss you and to want you. Do not under any circumstances make the same mistake i did and flood her with calls, texts, flowers, etc etc etc. It is not what she needs right now. She needs to miss you and want you............. so let her.

Day 7(14) I don't much feel like writting today. Quite strange as i was so energetic and positive mith myself just an hour ago. Now i have this feeling, this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been thinking of her, again. What's she doing? Is she happy? Does she miss me? 14 days (7 since starting the infamous SuperDave Challenge) and i have not contacted her once. Sad thing is, neither has she. God what i wouldn't give for a phone call from her. A text, an e-mail, or better still, a surprise visit to my apartment. The anger stage has very much kicked in the past few days, and it has helped quite dramitcally. I've been smiling a fair bit, something i really didn't think would happen so soon into the break up. But the smile quickly fades and reality kicks in. I love her. She is my best friend, my soulmate, my perfect companion. Far be it for me to pretend that i no longer care. I do. Too much. Silly of me to ever think that i could pretend otherwise. For me, i hate waking up. What i wouldn't give for her body to be wraped around mine as i wake. That's what i dream off during the night. Just the moments we used to cuddle. I always loved to hold her, and i would hold her with a sense of honour. I was indeed blessed, but moreso Privilegedto have her in my arms. One thing i am proud of, we certainly didn't separate due to a lack of affection on my behalf. I remember that i used to come from work and just wrap my arms around her, it was never a soft hug either. I would squeze her, constantly trying to bring her as close as possible to my body. The length of the hold was always longer than most hugs should. It was my way of saying, 'i NEVER want to let you go'. When i would hold her in bed, especially after we made love, i would always find my thoughts drifting off into fantasy. I used to find myself thinking the same thought each and everytime, 'You know what, i could stay in this position for the rest of my life and be completely satisfied'. Why in the name of god do i continue to entertain such thoughts? Which brings me back into the anger stage. It's quite funny, you can feel it come on too. You can feel it just grip you as the rage runs through your body. How DARE this new guy gets to experience what i have loved and treasured for 13 years. What has he done to be so deserving of such an experience? And why would she see him as deserving enough. I just don't understand. I was everything to her. I would go to extrodinary lengths to make her feel loved, feel appreciated, feel beautiful, feel wanted. Nothing was too much when it came to making her happy. Who is this new guy? What does he have that i don't? What does he offer that i never did? Where has he succeeded and where did i fail. With anger comes fear. I am quite scared at the moment. Scared of loosing her forever, yes. But what i fear more than anything is this..................... If i do loose her, i fear that i will no longer believe in love. EVER AGAIN. Love, to me, is somthing that has no lifespan. It has no termination date. True love, what i considered myself lucky enough to have, is shared between two people who are so perfectly connected that sayings such as 'made for each other' and 'meant to be' make perfect sense. So, she's moved on. Good for her. So shall I. But does it matter? No, not at all. I know i'll meet somebody else, somebody i connect with so strongly and passionatly that i may offer them my body, my emotions, somebody whom i i have no fear of showing them my weaknesses which sit alongside my strengths. But what does it matter when i know damn well that it wont last. A year? Two maybe? Five or more if i'm lucky. Forget it. I'd rather protect my heart. It's a funny situation that i find myself in. I am starting to understand some of my male friends now. The ones who have cheated, who play around, who have the one night stands and be so cold as to not care for them in the morning. I'm understanding of them now. More importantly, i'm envious of them. I've never once seen them hurt as bad as I. Hooray! Having a ball. Top of the * * * * ing world ma! Bring on day 8 (15).

That doesn't always work, sadly.

Day 6 (13) I don't know what to write this morning. I'm not entirly sure what i am feeling. After reading HurtandUsed's post, it's almost as if i took the first step to 'acceptance'. Sure, i've been saying that i've been learning to accept it for weeks now, but you and i both know that's horse * * * * . I choose not to 'Accept' because, quite frankly, it painful and i've been hurt far too much latley. So i deny it, it's so much easier. If i do choose to 'Accept' the situation, does that mean that i no longer love my ex? If i 'Accept', will that destroy any hope of me taking her back if she so chooses too? And there in lies the key really. If i do choose to 'Accept', it will be as a result of me giving in, which is not as bad as it sounds. See hurtanduseds post below........... The above sounds so appealing to me. The thought of me doing such an act is so attractive that it's borderline sexy! I WANT to be able to do that so badly. My time will come. It's quite obvious that i am not in a stable enough position to do so, but at least i can look forward to being able to do it. I thought about her alot over the weekend. Am i wasting my thoughts too much on her i wonder? This time, as unfortunate as it is, should be spent on myself, i know this. But it's too hard NOT to think about her. It's out of my hands. I Appologise for not posting on sunday. It's just that saturday was so hard and i let go of so many tears that i needed a break from it all. I didn't cry on sunday. Not once. I got drunk and watched the criket with a mate and my brother. It was great. Sometimes i'd find myself drifting off into thought, but the sounds of my friends laughter would quickly snap me out of any trance that i'd find myself becoming trapped in. Those are what i call 'My Moments'. Usually, when they hit, it's goodnight folks, i'm off home to crack a bottle of wine and cry myself to sleep. (That remindes me, i'm out of tissues! - Must go to the supermarket after work). Anyway, back to 'My Moments'. When i drifted deep into thought yesterday, i could have so easilly been trapped, yet i snapped out of it on numerous occasions. Maybe half a dozen times or so. That's never happened before. I should be viewing that as a positive, but i'll admit, it does sadden me somewhat. It means that i am starting to move on. I don't like that idea. It means that my grip on my realtionship is slowly getting weaker and weaker and will eventually i will tire and let go. In short, i am coming to the realisation that 'it is out of my hands'. There is nothing i can do. I've always worked hard for what i want. But it sickens me to think that in this situation, there is litterally nothing i can do. Or is there? Remembering that 'winning her back' is not and should not be used as inspiration here but there is in fact something i can do. I need to focus on making myself a better person. Not for her, nor anybody else for that matter, but for myself! Selfish ain't it? It's hard to believe i can actually learn to love myself and no doubt due to my clear lack of self-confidence, it will be hard work to get to the stage of beliving. As i write this, with such a strong desire to believe in hurtandused's post and focus on learning how to love myself again, i do have a confession to make........... Sadly, i'm drifting into another moment. Remind myself that it's 'HER LOSS' that i am 'SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM'. Remind myself that i'm a good person. A strong, attractive, genuine and honest guy who will make somebody very happy one day and in return receive a happiness that my heart so desires and derserves. believe WHAT OTHERS HAVE TOLD YOU. I'm sorry. I'm just not there yet. I'm so sorry.

WOW, Greeneyed, very interesting dream. And i think you analysed it quite accurately too. In some strange way, it does sound appealing. Safe, secure, protected. Yeah, i can certainly see the attraction there. Especially in my current situation.

I'd really like to do this. I like the thought of me doing this.

Day 4 (11) yesterday was * * * * ! Was too * * * * ing hard. I wanted to rush over to see her so bad. None of this makes any sense to me. We were destined to be together. We grew up together, have shared so much emmotions & such an amazing connection. And now, after 13 years, i'm supposed to just shake it off and move on? This is not a light switch for * * * * sake, i can't just turn it off. This is my love, my heart and my entire world we're talking about. She was everything to me and made me who i am. It's hard sitting here, writing this. I just cannot stop the tears, they just will not go away. I have tried oh so hard to avoid them, but they continue to come as if they have their own emotions. I cannot control them, as it stands they control me. I just want this all to end. Anger has overtaken me these past few days. I hate myself, my surroundings and most of all God. Yes, sorry to offend, but i hate the bastard. He has made my 2008 a living hell. He test me at each and every intersection that i cross and i just know he's enjoying it. Ironically, as i was just writing about Anger, the tears stopped. What's that saying? To be honest, i don't care in the slightest. If they stop if only for a moment, i will take note of what caused them to cease. If Anger is it, then so be it. This morning, as i do every saturday & sunday, i went and had my morning coffee and paper at the same cafe in which i have been attending for 2 years now. Ironically (and this happened prior to us separating) it is right next door to where my ex see's her psychiatrist . Not sure if this is breaking the NC rule but, i knew she had an apointment today, but i went to my cafe anyway. Hell - it's one of the few comforts i have left right now so * * * * it, i'm going anyway. However, i did find myself raising my head up from the black & white text infront of me to hopefully catch a glimpse of my Ex either coming or going into her session. I had no idea what i would do if i saw her. Would i wave, would she? Is it breaking the NC rule? Unfortunately or fortunately, whichever be the case, i did not see her. What was said in her session? i find that question continually running through my head and i honestly wish i knew. However, would i want to know? In a perfect world, she would have told her therapist that she misses me, but is scared to contact me. And in reply, the therapist would have said 'Just pick up the phone and tell him you love him, that you miss him, that you want him back right now. Fantasy is bliss isn't it? Reality, on the other hand, is a * * * * * . In reality, none of the above would have been said. But yet, i find myself clinging to the phone, my grip almost crushing the screen as i anxiously await it to ring. My heart know it will remain silent........... that's why the tears come. And i hate them. Again, Anger seems to be the only way to cure the bitter bitter tears. They make my face itch. I hate them. So what now? I don't know. I'll have a beer, get angry, remind myself that i am worthy and that somebody will love me........... but i know damn well that fantasy will kick in again at some point and will convince me to believe that everything will be ok, i know damn well it wont be, but i am easilly led astray. Edit At least the tears have stopped!

GreenEyed......... I'm doing the same thing as you on my way home from work. And you've inspired me to even grab some nice cheeses to go along with it. I know damn well Alchol is not the best answer to my current problems, but stuff it! It's been a crap day, and a very tough one emmotionally for me. I'm doing it!~ Your strength is inspirational to me GreenEyed. Thanks for your support. I was quite stressed out before. I have calmed down now, but i was mere inches away from jumping in my car to drive over to see her. It all sounds so right in my head. But it wouldn't come out that way. I think those types of spontaneous romantic gestures and fantasys can only be pulled off by the likes of Cary Grant, of which i am not. It's been a tough day, and a disappointing one at that. I'm quite angry at myself at the moment. I was feeling so good about myself before but yet again i have denied Ryan the confidence and self belief he needs to move on. Indeed, wine would be good.

Day 3 (10) Take 2. Have had a very tough afternoon. Not much to do at work, so i deleted old e-mails in my hotmail account. Have found e-mails from my ex dating back to 2004 and right up to just recently. Wonderfull e-mails. We were so happy, talking about marrige, how madly we're in love. Then, total heartbreak............. I found an old e-mail from a friend who went to our engagement party and sent me photos. She looked so beautiful. She always does. But that night, infront of all my friends and family, i was so proud to show her off! To tell everybody around me that THIS IS MY GIRL! Now, i find myself crying at work....... yet again! I hate this. Why can't i drive around to her place now and tell her just how much she means to me?????? I was raised on Cary Grant & Audrey Hepburn films, it always works for them! Why is that such a bad thing to do? It just seems so right. So romantic. So spontaneous. So perfect. Me, a big bunch of flowers, surprising her and declaring my absolute love and devotion to the most amazing and perfect woman that stands before me. Nothing is making sense right now. Just after i was so confident in myself too. Damn

Day 3 (10) Yesterday was strange again. Up & down emmotions all day. Woke up crying this morning, yet again......... the mornings are easily the hardest, which is why i chose to write my diary in the mornings. Yesterday afternoon, i received TONS of messages, e-mails, texts regarding me on the CLEO Bachelor of the Year Comp. Wonderfull compliments. It made me feel good about myself, something i haven't felt in a long time. Mid afternoon, i even managed a smile. It was a strange sensation, as my cheeks haven't used those muscles in a few weeks. I had therapy last night, and on the way there i started thinking about how positive i had been all day (a MASSIVE change from the last time my theapist met with me, when i was crying in a fit of anxiety). Then, all of a sudden.................. my positivity started to fade. It was strange, but i felt guilty of feeling positive. I felt un-worthy of feeling good about myself. Again, i received many WONDERFULL messages of support yesterday from friends, family and strangers who i don't even know. It should have filled me with enough confidence to conquer everest for god sake, yet here i was forcing myself NOT to believe it. To reject it. It's hard to explain why i do that, as i am not even sure of it myself. My Psychatrist seems to think it dates back to my teenages years when i had servere sistic acne. But to be honest, i just simply think that if i am all these things people say i am, then why doesn't my ex think that way? I brought that up with my Pyschatrist. She was very much trying to get the most out of me last night. Our 1hr session went for 2 hours........... and she Bulk Bills me too. Anyway, cutting to the chase, i started to realise that My ex always saw me as her 'Rock'. As this positive and confident man who she felt secure with. The fact that since we broke up i have been an emmotional mess and is suffering from depression, she is no longer attracted to me because i am not the man i was. She is fighting off her own demons, and needs time to find herself, i realise this now. She is off doing what she needs to do. And she may very well realise that she has made a mistake and that this new guy is not what she's looking for.......... but i need to learn AND ACCEPT that that is not of my concern. My concern now is me. I need to become a better man for myself before i can be a better man for anybody else. Again, i still push away any thoughts or comments of me being attractive, nice, blah blah blah - whatever.......... but i am learning to believe it. I must admit, the thought of this new guy she's interested in seeing does give me the inspiration to be better. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but it's helping me nonetheless. For example, i'm constantly thinking that he's better looking (which i know he's not) that he has a better body, a better job, treats her better, etc etc etc. Now, deep down, i know that's not true, but i feel it anyway. It's hard. But i'm gonna look at it as a positive. I'm gonna tell myself that HE IS INFACT BETTER................ That will give me the courage and strength i need to do the things i fear the most,............... BELIEVE IN MYSELF. I tell myself he is better - so i must BECOME BETTER. Yeah i know - it's insecurity coming through, i know this. But rather than focus on the negative aspects of my insecurity, i'm gonna use it as a positive. It's the only way i'm gonna learn. NOTE unfortunately, the TV show i was working on tonight has had to be postponed due to permits, but i WILL be doing it next friday night. I'm excited about it. I need to do this, and do it well! EDIT ANother thing i'd like to add that's quite cute. I have a pet Parrot, named Birdy. I love him to death. He is 6 years old now and the most intelligent bird you will ever meet. Anyway, he has started to hear me cry in the mornings. And this morning, as i lay in bed crying, he flew over to me and landed on my pillow and started giving me kisses. He is such a good boy!

haha. OMG this is still so embarrasing, but............. i'll be honest with you........... i have received ALOT of support and compliments, and i am not in a position to believe them yet, but it's the best i have felt about myself in weeks. link removed

thanks GreenEyed. I will eventually believe that. And alot of people do tell me that. And actually, i have been handed out 3 phone numbers from girls in the past 2 weeks alone so that in itself should give me some confidence................ but it doesn't. (Edit just on the phone numbers thing, i always politly call them and say thank you but then am honest with them and tell them about my current situation. It is a MASSIVE thing for a girl to do, build up courage like that - the least anybody can do, EVEN IF IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, is call them back and say thank you!) Sadly, nobody else can make me believe i am worthy, good looking, whatever, except for myself. I can hear it many times, but i am the only one that can make myself beilve it. Like i said, i'll believe it eventually, but right now i just cannot. I honestly just cannot. I'm still in the mindset that if i am what everybody says i am and if girls are attracted to me................ then why isn't she? Wrong way to think, i know, but that's just me. (note i have been forced by a female friend who is sick and tired of me not beliving in myself to enter into the CLEO Bachelor of the year WildCard entry. Hahaha! I am so embarresed now. It's awful! But good for a laugh nonetheless. I need to laugh) On your ex texting you Keep going with the NC. It sounds like your in the correct frame of mind now and that your keen with sticking with it! Good on you!

Day 9 (day 2 since starting the NC Challenge). Yet again, i woke up in the hope that she'd be laying by my side. Reality takes about 5-10 seconds to kick in. I'm getting used to the tears that come afterwards, but i do know that i'll eventually wake up knowing she wont be there. I just wish that day would come. Day 8(1) was tough. I was up & down like a hormonal woman. One minute i was king of the world, the next i was crying yet again. I noticed that i Sigh quite a bit. It's the numb feeling in my chest that brings it on. Knowing that she is no longer with me. Somebody told me yesterday that 'Love' is infact nothing magical at all. It is a Chemical reaction in your body, kinda like depression but with the total opposite effect. He then went on to say that because it is a chemical reaction, it has a certain life span. That sounds really easy to believe and it would certainly answer alot of questions for me.................. but sadly, and pehaps even stupidly, i refuse to believe it. I still love her. Maybe her Chemicals have reached their life span. Perhaps she is cured. But i still strongly believe in love and know damn-well of the consequences & pain that it may (or most likely, Will) cause in the future. Regardless, i'll still carry on believing in Love and believing in her. I am, however, gonna start doing more for myself. I have to stop thinking about this other guy being better than me. And let's just say, for argument sake, that he is............. FINE. I will just have to use that as inspiration to make myself better than him. I have been working on a Reality based TV show for a number of years now, but never had the time or effort to film it. Guess what? I am planning on filming the pilot THIS FRIDAY NIGHT (YES - Just 2 nights away). Just waiting on the permits. If they don't make it in time, fine, i'll just do it next friday night. However good this new guy is........... i betcha he hasn't made a $%&*ING TV SHOW! (yes, i know it's the wrong way to approach that, but i'm doing it anyway. I need to believe in myself again, i need to believe that i am a good, decent, loving man.........because right now, i feel like an un-appreciated & rejected piece of crap!) Thanks for listening. Ryan

The nickname thing is a tricky one............ that's interesting that he would still try and relate to you the way he did when you were together. That's confusing. I'd probably keep up with the NC, but if you were gonna text him back, i'd ask him what's up with that! (just IMO)

I have had zero contact for 8 days now............ but i'm willing to start again from scratch. So here it goes. Day 1 - 7/10/08