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greeneyedgal

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  1. greeneyedgal
    Well I've had a few aborted attempts at NC and here is my report: My ex contacted me the other day via email saying: How are you etc etc? Did I fall to pieces? No. Did I write back pouring my heart out? NO! When he consequently messaged me did I sit there with baited breath? HELL NO!!! I commented on what he said with indifference. I have also stopped counting the days.....officially and unofficially. Indifference is a beautiful thing sometimes. It is the gauge by which you can judge your attachment to your ex. If what he/she does and says ceases to affect you, you can tell you are moving on. Yes, I have started to work on myself, also I have started to seek out other people to date so I can't lie and say that this has nothing to do with it however, I now have the clarity to see that my pining for my ex was not an undying love I would wither up and be rendered useless without but an actual real need for affection, for a close and meaningful bond with someone else. I have met someone who is offering me all the things my ex never did/could and I'm starting to realise I deserve better than the offhanded crumbs of affection I was being doled intermittently when it suited him. Also I see that I deserve better than the indignity of pining for somebody not worthy of my best self and for this reason all this was a valuable lesson. I'm sure a lot of you will not agree or are at a different place currently and that is fine but I just wanted to share my observations with you. It's time to start believing in yourselves people and see there is life past NC with or without your ex!
  2. greeneyedgal
    I don't know if any cheeses can assist with this one Ryan! Maybe a nice Brie? I don't even know what day I'm on and I don't care - he chatted to me on messenger y'day and I replied - Bleh!
  3. greeneyedgal
    Hello all! *BIG hugs to all in hurtsville* Goodness knows I have been in the same boat. I cracked up today and had a huge barney with my parents but also resolved it well which I was proud of. Also my ex started to speak with me on msn - knew I should have kept him blocked. Well I said I was ok when he asked me how I was but had to go eat lunch and logged off. Phew! I have been corresponding with a few people off the dating site so that has buoyed my spirits a little and also I visited a GP today about my depression and I have been put on one of the newer antidepressants on the market which is helping already. I'm starting on only half a tablet a day so I'm not so zombified! If any of you are seriously depressed I urge you to do the same - there's no need to suffer unnecessarily - visit a GP even if you don't get medication, you can get treatment in other ways. This is coming from someone who has been battling depression for the best part of her life - I've seen some really dark days but don't wish to revisit them ever! All the best to all of you struggling through this very trying time. Good to see you back here Stelinha also - certainly we are here to support you if you need it but hang in there sister, you're nearly there! And you'll be able to tell yourself in a few days what an achievement you've made with great pride! ((hugs)) Ryan2000 your grandmother's story is enough to make the burliest bloke choke up with emotion! You'd be a great romance writer! hehe Hope you're doing well and all of the rest of you also! I read ALL the posts!
  4. greeneyedgal
    Good on you Hulk! So proud of you man! Don't let her emotionally manipulate you - what you're good enough to walk her dog for her at a moment's notice and not to have a relationship with?! Tell HER to keep walking I say! Also babes, good on you for doing this - stick with it as I am, we are your support - he doesn't deserve you! Deadhead, I have been doing the same thing with the dating site and I have had an open mind about finding someone caring and worthy of ME! Not the other way around for once!
  5. greeneyedgal
    Well hi all! Hope you're all doing well - I'm on day 3 which is my second time around and hopefully I'll be ok - I am not working this weekend which means I have all this free time on my hands during which to -think-! I think I'm a bit emotional but feel mad at his attitude. I haven't seen him on msn for a while now since the day after the fallout. Maybe he's got the message - like Stelinha, I now realise that I am wasting my time on a person who is not worthy. I've been trying to read to keep my mind occupied but I still get sad thoughts creeping in....poo! Also Stelinha, thank you for your lovely compliments, I have never though of myself as charismatic but so be it! haha! And where oh where has Ryan2000 disappeared to? Could it be he is a little preoccupied *cough cough*?
  6. greeneyedgal
    Good for you Ryan2000 your tone is so different to the past few days! Even though I had a bit of a sop-fest with my ex last night, I re-activated my updated dating pf online (I thought stuff it!) and got a response this morning from someone scarily similar to myself so I was rapt with that - it was a bit of a perk after a terrible night before. Maybe there is life after heartbreak? I'm not contacting my ex anymore - I've had enough of feeling bad!
  7. greeneyedgal
    I got those words last night - 'I love you as a friend' - not only is this demoralising but also patronising. Pah! Day 1 again *takes deep breath* Thanks for the helpful article also Stelinha! I had a shocking night last night!
  8. greeneyedgal
    I sent him a Phil Collins song - feel like such a tool - he sent me a heart wink back on msn though - not sure what that means - laid the cards on the table shortly before but told him I'm moving on - ball is in his court now - tomorrow is day 1 again for me!
  9. greeneyedgal
    Stay strong Stelinha! I was like this the past few days - I guess I should put Day 1 again after my cockup but I guess I will see how I go the rest of the week before notching up days again. I guess having that contact with him erased any doubt in my mind that he still harbours hopes for reconciliation. Dammit - it also erased the confidence I had gathered as a result of NC so not very productive at all. It's difficult to feel hopeful for the future when you are depressed. I feel like skipping work for a week and just curling up in a foetal position in my nighty all day. Thank goodness for my lil' cat right now!
  10. greeneyedgal
    Well I just broke down and told him I'm doing NC - no response yet. Well it may be a blessing in disguise he may just stay scarce or either it might pump his *ss into action - I'm betting on the former - at least it's all out in the open now - I also mentioned his new photos on the dating site - that should be enough to shame him a little. lol. Crying now but it's cathartic I guess. *shrugs*
  11. greeneyedgal
    Stelinha, thanks for your words and also those of Ryan2000 but I really feel like a phony now as I have responded to his contact in the past few days all of which was maybe just an ego boost for him. After preliminary pleasantries, he lay down to watch his favourite show after video calling me on Skype - I feel like such a putz *kicks self* so I hung up on him saying if he has nothing notable to say I'll catch up with him later. Even if he considers us 'just friends' nobody deserves that kind of treatment - nobody! Why is my heart inextricably tied to such an ignoramus??? Don't know what to do - to even continue with this or what? I feel I've failed or at the least capitulated to LC - even if it was all initiated by him but is it heart felt regret on his part? No! Just how has my week been - crap BS! Wow if I sound angry at the moment it's because I am. Sometimes I wonder if this thread category is as hopeless as the affair ones about married men or married women I have read - they are also doomed to fail - I think it's the masochistic streak in us - there is a Depeche Mode song called 'A pain that I'm used to' - sometimes I think that this is what we are addicted to. Well again a depressive note but where I'm at currently.....
  12. greeneyedgal
    I don't even want to go into the BS that went down today! Suffice it to say it involved a text initiated by him, then a skype call from him tonight and also a new episode of the Simpsons - I feel like such a @$#%er for thinking I'd be ok talking to him. I did however hang up with some dignity intact! Grrr....feel like an emotionally manipulated piece of play-doh! Someone slap me! I don't even want to give him the ego satisfaction of telling him about NC. Don't know what to do next - just have no freakin' idea - I really wish some magical prince would come along on his trusty stead and just take me away from this madness before I humiliate and disappoint myself further!
  13. greeneyedgal
    Wadecure - onya champion! Way to go with the self-discipline. I was going well till last night of the skype incident - then it's amazing how my will crumbled and I felt like texting him and saying 'did you try to contact me on skype'? but I didn't. Stelinha, it was like I said - either because he wanted to know if I'd blocked him on MSN or wanted the ego boost of knowing I'd accept him as a skype contact - he did not call! so what was the point i ask you of adding me? Stupid! And it's set me back... If he wanted me, he would have driven the 220kms which now separate us (that's about 140 miles for you from the US) and presented me with flower/s and declared his undying love already - I'm fooling myself....I think he just wants someone to chat to while torturing me with his pet names. I'm not going to let him do it!
  14. greeneyedgal
    Did you guys ever see the Neverending Story? Well it's like that is my life and my ex trying to get 'in' is the world being destroyed even more...I was chatting away to a long lost (female) friend and then all of a sudden a skype message came up saying 'yes, it's me' I assume because he'd added me as a contact. In my panic of trying to minimise the screen, I think I accidentally dialled - a mouse click and this happens but then it dropped out. If he had no intention to talk to me, why did he add me? I'm petrified he may try to call again - it was just to see if I'd blocked him on messenger which I indeed have and he now knows....crap.
  15. greeneyedgal
    Jaybird, the fact that you are so worried if your ex (maybe) finds out some inaccurate info passed on second-hand from an ex's friend who she sees sometimes only is a concern - does it really matter? Focus on you and having a good time (sensibly)! Well I've seen a few more posters and wonder if its time to re-start my NC properly - I've replied to a couple of my ex's contacts but only briefly via text. I have not told him I'm doing NC. Maybe I should? Again, he would think it ludicrous. I haven't heard from him for a few days now in any way. Maybe he is finally getting the hint. I felt I should describe a strange dream I had the other night which I think is related to what I'm going through. I dreamt I was put in prison together with a whole bunch of other people in a cell. I was there because I didn't know who I was and because I couldn't identify who I was to prove my guilt or innocence, I was lumped in with all these other people. I asked if I could go to the bathroom and I was led out to somewhere outside of the prison by a hallway and then left the bathroom via the wrong door and found myself locked outside of the prison complex scared senseless of getting into trouble if I couldn't find my way back in unobserved. I was knocking on doors and seeking elevators that would somehow take me back to the prison. After thinking about what a strange dream it was, I got to thinking - wow there is a lot of symbolism there - 'I _want_ to be imprisoned?', 'I would rather not know who I am?' What the hey? Well anyhow I guess it just showed me that NC is in a way about finding out who I am without relying on the identity of 'us' that I shared as the gf and then as a friend of my ex. I think a lot of us would rather not know who we are and feel comfortable in a relationship as it means we don't have to confront certain things about ourselves which we don't like - until it all blows up in our face - which is probably what ultimately leads to their demise - well anyhow - my 2c worth! Hope you're all doing ok!
  16. greeneyedgal
    For all the new posters, my heart goes out -it's not easy. I'm on day 7 and I'm cranky and listless although don't feel miserable - I think maybe he's cottoned on to that fact that I'm not contacting him and so now he is 'playing the game' also. Oh well! I hope to heck he is not reading this! I highly doubt it though! Well like Samantha says in Sex and the City - 'I love you, but I love me more' - this should be our motto while we do our NC! lol.
  17. greeneyedgal
    Wow - first of all Wadecure - I hope you DIDN'T call her! And Stelinha, thank you for your words, they really helped me. Ryan, you should have been a writer - you are very articulate with your words *hands him cheese and a great big glass of shiraz* All the new NCers - if your ex has a new gf/bf then just pity them as they are being insecure and clutching for an ego boost - I dont think they can really love a person they have just met and committed to so quickly although goodness knows my ex and I got together rather quickly also - maybe that was the problem - almost two years ago I was floating on a cloud after the most perfect first date. Then it all went to **** eventually. I know this is probably not the case but I can't help but feel that this was my last chance for true happiness with someone - so much between us clicked - we used to sing and play guitar together and harmonise - it was utterly beautiful - it makes my heart shatter to think that may never be again! What makes this whole NC worse is that he 'joked' to me that in 5 years time if neither of us is married, we will get married. As gratifying as this was to the part of me that will accept backhanded crumbs of compliments, it was also insulting in the way of him suggesting that if he finds no-one better, he will just take me. Nice! I feel ok today it's day 6 and I haven't heard from him - I'm grateful to be tired and preoccupied with work during the day.
  18. greeneyedgal
    I went to bed early but can't sleep so I logged on - inspirational words wadecure and all of you also - thanks for being so supportive. I have a feeling that as time goes on, it is becoming more about 'getting back together' in my mind than the more realistic and noble aim of healing. This is because I am missing him more and the bad stuff is somehow being swept aside in my mind for the good stuff. Thanks for the reality check wadecure. A question I'd like to ask is - is it easier for you NCers who DON'T hear from your ex during this period? And for those who DO hear from your ex, does the contact become less in time? I would find it hard to tell my ex I am doing NC as he would think it petty and absurd. Also what happens in a month? Am I allowed to talk to him again? Now that I'm a super human with lots of interests, how will this change the fact that I've turned my back on my best (and only real) friend? I think I will only find myself more alone and making new friends is not my forte especially not in this two horse town! lol. I know I'm sounding defeatist right now and am probably a bit hormonal making this all the more difficult at the moment. I admire this cold hard logic males profess to have! ](*,)
  19. greeneyedgal
    Wow, just when I thought it was safe, he phoned me - i didn't answer but he did ask some stupid question about something obscure - i texted him back the answer to keep him quiet. Not sure if this was right but I didn't phone him back like he requested. I really feel like slitting my wrists tonight maybe it's just the wine - I think a warm shower and bed are on the cards. Harsh day!
  20. greeneyedgal
    Wow I don't want to inspire people to get drunk on wine! I was just sharing where I am at - I'm listening to freakin' sad songs and feeling sorry for myself at the moment but I hope to hell I'm back on the straight road again in a few days. It's amazing what the absense of oxytocin or the love hormone will do to our brains - no wonder people become love addicts - if that is what makes us feel good - it's sobering to know though that we are just prisoners to our hormones in a really reductionist way. lol. "Wow do you have low oxytocin levels also? My ex just broke up with me too!" Too funny when you put it that way. I told my ex twice after we broke up that I still love him and once it was kind of brushed off and the second time he stared at me in awkward silence - bzzt! Not doing that again! It's humiliating and soul-destroying at the same time - maybe it works better for Cary Grant! Who knows? I know that declaring your love is probably not the best move currently. Make yourself scarce - make her/him wonder what you're up to!
  21. greeneyedgal
    Wadecure, I'm sorry to hear about you feeling so bad, my thoughts are with you. You can make it matey - stay positive - you will attract positivity. Ryan, you sound like a hopeless romantic - wow this must have hit you hard - you were with this woman for what looks like a long time. I remember waking up in the morning crying it's one of the most hopeless feelings I know - it's totally crushing. It's sweet that your bird gives you kisses - one of my most treasured moments are when my cat nudges my eyelids with her wet nose in the morning - pets are definitely good value especially when you are sad it seems they have a way of knowing so they try to cheer you up. Today I have to admit I felt @%^#house and got a bottle of wine on the way home - albeit with some good cheeses. lol. I feel the need not to feel anything at the moment as I feel quite numb. Going to a psych is a good step Ryan - I know I should probably go and see someone also but I'm soldiering on - I just wanted to point out whether you are realising that you have some beautiful qualities on the inside also? It's all well and good that ppl are giving you support and compliments for your entry into this comp but don't forget what is on the inside that is valuable also even though this sounds cringeworthily cliched. It is something I've been working on - self acceptance - I am always so anxious about what others think of me and lately I heard something really useful which helped me gain confidence - 'It doesn't matter so much what others think of me, what matters more is what I think of myself' - when I remember to think this, I feel so much more like a weight is lifted in my mind when dealing with people. Sure I am not an unattractive woman myself but it is not the only way I will gain self-esteem in future. As obviously it was not enough for my ex to hold onto me - I guess I was going through some kind of life crisis at the time and bad depression myself and so now I'm working on becoming a little more happier with the simple things. Of course, I'm alot more isolated in the country also - I think I have encountered one attractive and intelligent male in this town thus far and sadly he is probably 8 years my junior. Haha - it doesn't matter anyways as he'd go the way the other men I tried to date since my ex did - by the wayside as they never compared. He still holds this above my head even though he did not want me to start with - what can I do now? I can't feel guilty over it forever. Ah well I have not heard from him in a couple of days now so touch wood for the weekend. I wish I could go out and dance to cheesy eighties music all weekend instead of working - sorry I'm rambling - catch you all later!
  22. greeneyedgal
    Possibly this isn't so hard for me as others as it's been a year and a half since we broke up but we were living together and still 'best friends' on a purely platonic basis and possibly became closer in that way until I moved away two months ago. So in THAT way withdrawal hit me hard - became too dependent on his (almost) daily contact once I'd moved to keep going but it was also making me sad at the same time. I feel ok now - not sure if it changes after a certain point. I guess everyone is different. It is a Friday and I have half a day off today so I'm pleased about that. The weekend may be a different matter as I imagine what he may be up to. At least I am working so that will keep my mind occupied - keep the faith people! *virtual pat on the back to all of you*
  23. greeneyedgal
    OMG ryan2000 I think I just saw you! haha - fellow aussie in the know and all Today I had a long drive in the course of my travels and thought a lot. I felt free but not much on the mental plate if you know what I mean - just a whole absense of rumination about how I could be with my ex in future somehow. I play with my cat more now and do nice things for people in the course of my day - I think I'm becoming *gasps in shock* less self-absorbed??? Haha! I also bought a crate of apple juice.....it's better than wine...
  24. greeneyedgal
    Ryan! You made me LOL - you are not an unappreciated piece of crap - you are WORTHY! Of somehow who treats you with respect not discards you like yesterday's newspaper - it sounds like you're doing a lot more with your life than most people - kudos to you! BTW, the nickname thing came AFTER our breakup - I think he used it to maintain emotional control over me even though he didn't want to be with me. Grrrr....makes me feel more resolved to stay on NC - It's remembering the crap things about the r'ship that give you resolve! I didn't text him back after that btw - no inclination to - he's seeking other women online - I'm not gonna be a chump! Well hope you're all doing OK - it's no rose garden for sure but I think we're making progress all of us even if one day we're up and the next day down!
  25. greeneyedgal
    He sends me a text on Day 3 'How is 's day going?' - I know he was most likely enquiring in a round about way as to how my job interview went as I had a big one today and since I had not informed him of the NC and we had been good friends for a year and a half since, I wrote back a brief but curt response (he'd think it was weird and try to call me). 'Good! I didn't get the job....but otherwise pretty groovy' he writes back 'that's a shame how r other jobs going' (I already have two) and I reply back 'Good!'. I was as succinct as I could be and he did not continue after this - does this mean I have to start again? I think to have not responded to placate him would have been more inflammatory? I'd have to let him in on it otherwise. Opinions?
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