greeneyedgal

Well I've had a few aborted attempts at NC and here is my report: My ex contacted me the other day via email saying: How are you etc etc? Did I fall to pieces? No. Did I write back pouring my heart out? NO! When he consequently messaged me did I sit there with baited breath? HELL NO!!! I commented on what he said with indifference. I have also stopped counting the days.....officially and unofficially. Indifference is a beautiful thing sometimes. It is the gauge by which you can judge your attachment to your ex. If what he/she does and says ceases to affect you, you can tell you are moving on. Yes, I have started to work on myself, also I have started to seek out other people to date so I can't lie and say that this has nothing to do with it however, I now have the clarity to see that my pining for my ex was not an undying love I would wither up and be rendered useless without but an actual real need for affection, for a close and meaningful bond with someone else. I have met someone who is offering me all the things my ex never did/could and I'm starting to realise I deserve better than the offhanded crumbs of affection I was being doled intermittently when it suited him. Also I see that I deserve better than the indignity of pining for somebody not worthy of my best self and for this reason all this was a valuable lesson. I'm sure a lot of you will not agree or are at a different place currently and that is fine but I just wanted to share my observations with you. It's time to start believing in yourselves people and see there is life past NC with or without your ex!

I don't know if any cheeses can assist with this one Ryan! Maybe a nice Brie? I don't even know what day I'm on and I don't care - he chatted to me on messenger y'day and I replied - Bleh!

Hello all! *BIG hugs to all in hurtsville* Goodness knows I have been in the same boat. I cracked up today and had a huge barney with my parents but also resolved it well which I was proud of. Also my ex started to speak with me on msn - knew I should have kept him blocked. Well I said I was ok when he asked me how I was but had to go eat lunch and logged off. Phew! I have been corresponding with a few people off the dating site so that has buoyed my spirits a little and also I visited a GP today about my depression and I have been put on one of the newer antidepressants on the market which is helping already. I'm starting on only half a tablet a day so I'm not so zombified! If any of you are seriously depressed I urge you to do the same - there's no need to suffer unnecessarily - visit a GP even if you don't get medication, you can get treatment in other ways. This is coming from someone who has been battling depression for the best part of her life - I've seen some really dark days but don't wish to revisit them ever! All the best to all of you struggling through this very trying time. Good to see you back here Stelinha also - certainly we are here to support you if you need it but hang in there sister, you're nearly there! And you'll be able to tell yourself in a few days what an achievement you've made with great pride! ((hugs)) Ryan2000 your grandmother's story is enough to make the burliest bloke choke up with emotion! You'd be a great romance writer! hehe Hope you're doing well and all of the rest of you also! I read ALL the posts!

Good on you Hulk! So proud of you man! Don't let her emotionally manipulate you - what you're good enough to walk her dog for her at a moment's notice and not to have a relationship with?! Tell HER to keep walking I say! Also babes, good on you for doing this - stick with it as I am, we are your support - he doesn't deserve you! Deadhead, I have been doing the same thing with the dating site and I have had an open mind about finding someone caring and worthy of ME! Not the other way around for once!

Well hi all! Hope you're all doing well - I'm on day 3 which is my second time around and hopefully I'll be ok - I am not working this weekend which means I have all this free time on my hands during which to -think-! I think I'm a bit emotional but feel mad at his attitude. I haven't seen him on msn for a while now since the day after the fallout. Maybe he's got the message - like Stelinha, I now realise that I am wasting my time on a person who is not worthy. I've been trying to read to keep my mind occupied but I still get sad thoughts creeping in....poo! Also Stelinha, thank you for your lovely compliments, I have never though of myself as charismatic but so be it! haha! And where oh where has Ryan2000 disappeared to? Could it be he is a little preoccupied *cough cough*?

Good for you Ryan2000 your tone is so different to the past few days! Even though I had a bit of a sop-fest with my ex last night, I re-activated my updated dating pf online (I thought stuff it!) and got a response this morning from someone scarily similar to myself so I was rapt with that - it was a bit of a perk after a terrible night before. Maybe there is life after heartbreak? I'm not contacting my ex anymore - I've had enough of feeling bad!

I got those words last night - 'I love you as a friend' - not only is this demoralising but also patronising. Pah! Day 1 again *takes deep breath* Thanks for the helpful article also Stelinha! I had a shocking night last night!

I sent him a Phil Collins song - feel like such a tool - he sent me a heart wink back on msn though - not sure what that means - laid the cards on the table shortly before but told him I'm moving on - ball is in his court now - tomorrow is day 1 again for me!

Stay strong Stelinha! I was like this the past few days - I guess I should put Day 1 again after my cockup but I guess I will see how I go the rest of the week before notching up days again. I guess having that contact with him erased any doubt in my mind that he still harbours hopes for reconciliation. Dammit - it also erased the confidence I had gathered as a result of NC so not very productive at all. It's difficult to feel hopeful for the future when you are depressed. I feel like skipping work for a week and just curling up in a foetal position in my nighty all day. Thank goodness for my lil' cat right now!

Well I just broke down and told him I'm doing NC - no response yet. Well it may be a blessing in disguise he may just stay scarce or either it might pump his *ss into action - I'm betting on the former - at least it's all out in the open now - I also mentioned his new photos on the dating site - that should be enough to shame him a little. lol. Crying now but it's cathartic I guess. *shrugs*

Stelinha, thanks for your words and also those of Ryan2000 but I really feel like a phony now as I have responded to his contact in the past few days all of which was maybe just an ego boost for him. After preliminary pleasantries, he lay down to watch his favourite show after video calling me on Skype - I feel like such a putz *kicks self* so I hung up on him saying if he has nothing notable to say I'll catch up with him later. Even if he considers us 'just friends' nobody deserves that kind of treatment - nobody! Why is my heart inextricably tied to such an ignoramus??? Don't know what to do - to even continue with this or what? I feel I've failed or at the least capitulated to LC - even if it was all initiated by him but is it heart felt regret on his part? No! Just how has my week been - crap BS! Wow if I sound angry at the moment it's because I am. Sometimes I wonder if this thread category is as hopeless as the affair ones about married men or married women I have read - they are also doomed to fail - I think it's the masochistic streak in us - there is a Depeche Mode song called 'A pain that I'm used to' - sometimes I think that this is what we are addicted to. Well again a depressive note but where I'm at currently.....

I don't even want to go into the BS that went down today! Suffice it to say it involved a text initiated by him, then a skype call from him tonight and also a new episode of the Simpsons - I feel like such a @$#%er for thinking I'd be ok talking to him. I did however hang up with some dignity intact! Grrr....feel like an emotionally manipulated piece of play-doh! Someone slap me! I don't even want to give him the ego satisfaction of telling him about NC. Don't know what to do next - just have no freakin' idea - I really wish some magical prince would come along on his trusty stead and just take me away from this madness before I humiliate and disappoint myself further!

Wadecure - onya champion! Way to go with the self-discipline. I was going well till last night of the skype incident - then it's amazing how my will crumbled and I felt like texting him and saying 'did you try to contact me on skype'? but I didn't. Stelinha, it was like I said - either because he wanted to know if I'd blocked him on MSN or wanted the ego boost of knowing I'd accept him as a skype contact - he did not call! so what was the point i ask you of adding me? Stupid! And it's set me back... If he wanted me, he would have driven the 220kms which now separate us (that's about 140 miles for you from the US) and presented me with flower/s and declared his undying love already - I'm fooling myself....I think he just wants someone to chat to while torturing me with his pet names. I'm not going to let him do it!

Did you guys ever see the Neverending Story? Well it's like that is my life and my ex trying to get 'in' is the world being destroyed even more...I was chatting away to a long lost (female) friend and then all of a sudden a skype message came up saying 'yes, it's me' I assume because he'd added me as a contact. In my panic of trying to minimise the screen, I think I accidentally dialled - a mouse click and this happens but then it dropped out. If he had no intention to talk to me, why did he add me? I'm petrified he may try to call again - it was just to see if I'd blocked him on messenger which I indeed have and he now knows....crap.

Jaybird, the fact that you are so worried if your ex (maybe) finds out some inaccurate info passed on second-hand from an ex's friend who she sees sometimes only is a concern - does it really matter? Focus on you and having a good time (sensibly)! Well I've seen a few more posters and wonder if its time to re-start my NC properly - I've replied to a couple of my ex's contacts but only briefly via text. I have not told him I'm doing NC. Maybe I should? Again, he would think it ludicrous. I haven't heard from him for a few days now in any way. Maybe he is finally getting the hint. I felt I should describe a strange dream I had the other night which I think is related to what I'm going through. I dreamt I was put in prison together with a whole bunch of other people in a cell. I was there because I didn't know who I was and because I couldn't identify who I was to prove my guilt or innocence, I was lumped in with all these other people. I asked if I could go to the bathroom and I was led out to somewhere outside of the prison by a hallway and then left the bathroom via the wrong door and found myself locked outside of the prison complex scared senseless of getting into trouble if I couldn't find my way back in unobserved. I was knocking on doors and seeking elevators that would somehow take me back to the prison. After thinking about what a strange dream it was, I got to thinking - wow there is a lot of symbolism there - 'I _want_ to be imprisoned?', 'I would rather not know who I am?' What the hey? Well anyhow I guess it just showed me that NC is in a way about finding out who I am without relying on the identity of 'us' that I shared as the gf and then as a friend of my ex. I think a lot of us would rather not know who we are and feel comfortable in a relationship as it means we don't have to confront certain things about ourselves which we don't like - until it all blows up in our face - which is probably what ultimately leads to their demise - well anyhow - my 2c worth! Hope you're all doing ok!