Stelinha

Oh greeneyedgal you are one smart Australian lady! I am inspired by your post and I only wish I was at your stage of clarity. To feel Apathy and indifference are what I aspire to! You hit the nail on the head when you said that our indifference as to whether they contact you or not shows you are moved on. Good for you in remembering that you are worth more than the crumbs he doled out when the urge takes him. Why do we just put up with such * * * * ? Why do we settle for less and unvalue our own worth thinking our lives are drained of any colour without this person? I can say, yes, unfortunately I am at a different place but I aspire to be where you are!

Thanks for some that from digitaldiva and Erikr, I think my main problem with NC was that, okay I was torn between the achievement of controlling my actions and being in control by not contacting him and wanting him to miss me and contact me. So my problem was that although I felt happy at reaching 30 days no contact it was also 30 days that he hadn't initiated contact with me or missed me!!! The more days go by the more I was focussing on the longer he hadn't contacted me than celebrating my achivement in not contacting him](*,) Like Erikr said about the empty mailbox They would write if they really wanted to hear from us but I couldn't get that into my thick head. I don't want to feel like this any longer. I realise that I shouldn't have sounded so gadam depressed about my own life- how attractive is that? However, I realise that this is how I felt today and I'm not going to pretend I'm happy like I have in the past if I'm being false. Everytime I've communicated in the past I've been miss cheery happy making jokes kind of gal and it made no difference with him. I know I should be posting on getting over a break up because I know getting back together is completely hopeless now. I also realise I don't think anything I could ever do could make him come back if he didn't want to. There is nothing I can write or say to him to control him contacting me. I have to let go of him and the relationship for good. I have to stop doing non contact hoping, wishing , longing he'll miss and contact me. I need to do it for myself because I deserve to be free of this pain of loving someone who doesn't seem to want me in their life anymore. I also have to realise if he doesn't contact me there is NOTHING I can do anymore to make him want to. No contact is also NOT to make him miss me, and it's not for me to count more days he hasn't contacted me or to obsess if he will ever contact me. I have to believe I'll be okay - even if he never contacts me ever again. I'll handle it. I just have to let him go and stop thinking about him because it's driving me insane. I just can't degrade myself anymore behaving as I was doing. I say all these things but I'm a mess and I wish I believed them. Back to day 1 again tomorrow AND this time it's the days since I'm healing and taking care of myself not counting the days he hasn't contacted me!!!

man, I feel so depressed- all the effort I put in not to contact him to blow it like this. I can't see I can feel much worse anymore. that's it! I'm no contact forever- I just can't bare this anymore- I want to be free again.

Agggh!!! boo hoo, Day 32 and I send him an email. I was so fed up about my life that I turned to him because he was one of my true friends in this life. I know he won't reply and now I feel guilty that all I did was moan about how bad I feel- not about him but about my life. Now he'll think I'm such a depressing fool as well:sad: I might as well have gone and banged my head against a brick wall. How did I end up in this mess? I have to take responsability for it but there seems no escape from this pain and misery. Has anyone tried those techniques out of that book 'how to fall out of love with someone'? Does that work??? Anmything? please help! Maybe I should have stayed longer in NC forever in fact - in fact I know I should but today I just couldn't control myself- but I don't feel any better contacting him! I'm back in square 1!

I woke up this morning and the clocks had changed- I suspect only those people who are from who have lived in the UK- know the meaning of the sad end of British Summer time! The winter nights are now darker much earlier and I for one am of glad the christmas decorations and lights that start to festoon the streets of towns and give a welcomed and cheerful reprieve from this darkness and also a hope for the future. What does that have to do with NC? I suppose what I'm trying to illustrate with this strange analogy is that I could compare the months of gloomy darkness to my time of NC- a very difficult time with seems neverending but with the faith that, one day, Just as Winter becomes Spring and Summer once again, that my sad period of grieveing will also end and I'll feel better again- as I say in my signature - like the phoenix rising from the ashes of my pain and suffering of losing this person. I'm really proud of myself that I actually reached 30 days and I plan to continue NC and 'check in' on this forum from time to time. I can't lie and say I feel miraculously better, I wish I did. Maybe I am better in some ways but it's too sutble to even notice? I think I feel more in control of myself and more aware of myself if that makes sense. I still don't feel like I'm off this emotional rollercoaster and I still get, in some crazy moments, the desperate almost 'out of my control' urge to contact him and it has taken all my strength not too. That is something I could never have done a few months ago so that must be a good thing from NC. I think it shall be interesting to see how I feel after more time as passed and I hope it might be helpful to others. For all the harm the internet may cause, this forum is proof of the good in human beings and of what can be possible when people from around the world, who will never meet or truly know each other, can unite together in sharing feelings, empathy and support. I am truly grateful to everyone who writes on the NC challenge who shares their intimate and personal stories, advice and support and I really feel like I haven't been alone. See you guys sometime in the near future for a report on my progress I wish everyone who is doing the 30 day challenge and beyond all my support in your journey.

Greeneyedgal, I think I'd find it hard not to respond to someone if they contacted me expecially when I care about them. I'd feel rude! I don't know what the solution is? Maybe we have to become thicker skinned? harder? I don't know if I could do that without feeling guilty? I seem to be cursed with a permanent overdeveloped sense of guilt (and I'm not Catholic ) It's day 28 for me for me and, to be honest, I don't feel much better at the moment- it really feels like I can never feel better and never fully let go](*,) I am sick of the UK at the moment and just want to go back to countries I've lived in before- run away and catch a plane to somewhere and escape this life and these feelings. It's that Pilates class again tonight so should keep me occupied- it's laughable me trying to do it but it's just such a good way to chill out at the end of the week!

Day 27 It's comforting to read other posts and know that, just because we're nearing the 30 days, doesn't mean you can magically feel better like I'd envisaged initially. Funny how sometimes you become so introspective that you believe only you are feeling that way when others are going through a very similar experience. I sort of now realize that I didn't want to deal with my own life and unhappiness and so I'd cling to that tattered security blanket of my ended relationship as a distraction or an escape. The thing is I think I'll never escape dealing with my own life and I have to be brave and try and do the best for myself- independent of any considerations of him anymore.

I know what you mean Mustang, One way traffic isn't fun I know, it tires you eventually. I was going to add more but I'm sick of myself analysing stuff. I'm sick of thinking about the whys like a dog chasing it's own tail- enless and pointless. I'm just staying on NC for myself because if someone doesn't think I'm worth the effort contacting then why the hell should I continue to make the contact with them? Glad you're healing Mustang

Day 25 Wasn't going to write until Sunday but I had this terrible urge to contact him this morning so I'm posting here instead- thank god for enotalone.com! Survived Uni yesterday but I could tell I wasn't feeling so good when a girl was being * * * * * y about other people and I had it out with her about being supportive and considerate of others until she was on the verge of tears! I felt terrible! Uggh, thought it would get easier the nearer I got to thirty days. Like Eirikr I'm not far away but I could have easily sent him an email this morning sooo easily just to say 'hi, how are you?' after all, it's the simpliest thing to say!! Whta wrong with asking someone how they are?!!! aghh!!!! It's funny how I'm such a control freak- I guess we all are to some degree or another. I hate 'messy endings'- I keep on thinking 'what if he doesn't think I still care?' so I feel the need to send this email so he knows I still care? I keep on wondering what he's thinking? if he ever thinks of me? why oh why oh why?! I realise that this isn't letting go and sometimes I can't control 'messy endings'! Or I want to control how he thinks and feels about me! This 'control' issue keeps me in constant anxiety because I control bloody control anything! I just can't let go even though I try saying millions of times a day '****** (my ex's name) I release you to your highest good' I know he probably wouldn't have replied to my email but I really feel I would have felt better just to think I had done the 'friendly' thing even if he's hadn't. I'd then be back to square one again but I don't think I'd have the energy to start from day 1 again! I'm trying to think staright and convince myself the only thing it would achieve is to boost his ego because he'll know I'm still there. Yuk, hope the urge goes away soon. Greeneyedgal- hope you're doing okay, haven't seen you're posts in a few days.

Day 22 Well, don't think it's doing me much good posting everyday at the moment as it seems it is keeping my ex too much in my mind- I can't believe how uterally I went yesterday! I don't really hate my ex (only periodically when I feel really hurt and upset) Going to a pialtes class last night really jolted me out of the quagmire I was in. I couldn't do it!!! and I like the relaxation part at the end best but meeting new people and going to a new place was therapeutic and got my mind off him for a small while. Sad today as my little cat of 17 years will have to be put down. She's really ill and has got that kidney disease old cats get so they can't eat anymore. Sad but everything comes to at end one day- can't stop crying when I think of her. Anyway I shall be back on day 30 if I make it! Good luck everyone else my thoughts are with you all. Oh and Chiyork I know exactly what you mean.

I have to appologise for my stupidity this morning writing about how I have to forgive my ex. I don't forgive him and, at this moment in time, I hate him!!!! Yes, I'm still on the rollercoatser and Yes I feel so mad at him I can't beleieve that he has found it so easy to treat me with such little respect. He is a complete arsehole to treat someone who has loved him and been his friend no matter what. The last time I spoke to him- when I called him for his birthday- he sounded so completely uninterested in talking or listening to me and was just rude. I don't ring everybody for thier f**king birthday (and I never swear so it shows how angry I am!). I never told him he behaved that way and he would never, ever, ever expected me to have done that to him- in fact I never would have never done that to him because I care about his feelings too much. He doesn't doesn't give a * * * * about my feelings, I want to scream I'm so angry!!!! God dam it I'm sick of feeling like this. All I expect is to be treated with common decency and respect for my feelings. I bloody care too much and that's my problem. Off on my rollercoaster again.... when will it ever end........

Good luck Robert but I'm sure you'll stay strong because you're doing the most healthy thing by keeping busy. I'd kill (okay that's a bit stong but I'd nearly kill for it!) to go some mountains and a lake in New York- and it just ain't the same thing in these parts of the world!

Wow, bet they're amazing. have a great weekend!!

Sorry to sound so ignorantous Robert013 but where are the Adirondack mountains?

Had to post again. Great inspirational comments from chiyork and alphabetsoup13. Man (that's so american but I feel I need to say it for emphasis! I feel like I'm in the pit of depression right now that i can't get out of. Why do I miss him Soooooooooooooooo much?! ](*,) I know it's pointless countacting him that's why i have to post here to stop myself and, maybe, even though I know this NC is for me to heal I hoped he'd miss me just a teeny weeny bit and maybe contact me once in his busy schedule. Oh, Arggh! I say all these things on my post that I'm feeling stronger and advice to others that I can't seem to be able to take myself and then the next moment I feel like a desperate and pathetic ameoba, mopping around hoping he might, just might contact me or throw me some crumbs? I must dislike my life so much right now that I feel worse than ever at him never bothering to contact me. I feel completely neurotic as from one moment to the next my feelings changed- only this morning I said i felt happy? Oh well, there is only one thing to do, keep on going down this path and hope it gets less rocky