THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[messenger05]

Evening of Day 11...

 

Sam - i feel exactly like you do... i don't want to forget about my ex but she needs time to "figure things out". My ex told me all the time right before we started NC that she wanted to be with me and hoped we'd get back together. I guess thats whats keeping me from completely moving on...

 

how do i really move on after what she said because i really believe it... i'm setting myself up for a huge hurt i realize but i can't seem to let her go...

 

ahhhh... progress till now - hitting some bumps in the road

[messenger05]

ok so i broke down and cried for the first time in over a week... i don't know why or what triggered it but i'm down near rock bottom right now...

 

why all of a sudden?

[Addicus]

ok so i broke down and cried for the first time in over a week... i don't know why or what triggered it but i'm down near rock bottom right now...

 

why all of a sudden?

 

 

You will do this...eb and flow with different emotions..I was around day 22 doing well then had a crash....not that I called but just pain and sadness.....it will get better and I hear that if you keep writing the things down and writing it over and over again you will get tired of doing it and pretty much want to be done with those thougths and feelings..I did it and it is quite true...I just picked up a pen and paper everytime and wrote and wrote and I was tired of it! Very tired of it! Try it. But hang in there....just keep focusing on you....

[demonic-cookie]

Day 2 (technically day 3, since I started at the end of a NC day on Sunday)

 

It was so nice. I feel so good about myself. He was the master of ceremonies at an air band competition I had to photograph at our school, and he was so annoying and loud and obnoxious, and I was so cool and mellow with my friends. It felt really good. Then in our creative writing class, he saw a homemade book of poetry I made for my friend Joe (something I probably would have made for him if I'd had the chance while we were dating, which he knows, since I do nothing but give the people I love little gifts, always). Anyway, I figured, Joe is my friend and I love him, so why not give him something, since he'll appreciate it?

 

He seemed bummed about it, and said it was "amazing that I'd done that". I kind of nodded and smiled. Then he just kept on trying to talk so I just acted like I hadn't heard him and started a conversation with another friend. He kind of got the hint after that. I almost pity him, which is funny. He just doesn't stop trying.

[bronte]

Thank you for the birthday wishes...

 

I made it through Day #3. He didn't contact me for my birthday, which made me kind of sad even though it's actually a good thing, he's respecting my wishes and not looking for excuses to bend the rules. It's just a weird situation to be in, when one of the people you're closest to in the world ignores your birthday and they're actually doing the decent thing and you can't be mad about it! *shakes head*

[starlette08]

ok so i broke down and cried for the first time in over a week... i don't know why or what triggered it but i'm down near rock bottom right now...

 

why all of a sudden?

 

hey messenger,

 

i went thru the same thing this week - i thought i was recovering and doing fine and all of a sudden, the emotions came back. nothing really triggered it either, it was just all me. i broke down and cried a few times. im heading home this weekend so not sure what to expect. i told him i would be coming home and left the ball in his court. i have a feeling he's not going to contact me even though i come home only twice a year. it hurts..

[bostoneric]

hey messenger,

 

i went thru the same thing this week - i thought i was recovering and doing fine and all of a sudden, the emotions came back. nothing really triggered it either, it was just all me. i broke down and cried a few times.

 

 

this is really strange, i had a good cry this week also. must be something in the air this week?!?!?!

 

:splat:

[Mock Chop]

My foster dog is here, and he's adorable. An absolute sweetheart. He needs loads of TLC, so I think that's where my emotional energy's going to be redirected!

[yo]

NC for the third time...

 

I did 2 consecutive months of NC..Looks like I am still not healed...I guess I need to go on NC again...I have started missing her more now especially after she responded back to one of my mails..but she's just playing with my feelings!! I hate her more than ever now! I thought we could be friends..but she can never be friends with me.

[lexion]

i'm feeling down again

it's depressing to not be able to talk to anyone

[GizMo567]

Today must be one of those days because i feel the same as yo and lex. It really really really sucks when you can't call them for help or lean on them when you want to. It hurts so much to know that she is with someone else and not with me. I still love her with all of my heart and i feel dead without her. Day 9 of NC starts now. I just don't know how much more my heart can hold out before it completely collapses. ](*,)

[Mustang]

Right then, I'm going to give this a go.

 

Day 1

 

I feel awful today. Seeing my ex on Saturday night for the first time since we split has really messed me up.

 

We got on so well. She bought me a drink and we had a really nice catch up. She went out of her way to come speak to me. I wouldn't have seen her otherwise. She was quite touchy feely and when I made an excuse to leave, she said I could stay with her for a bit longer. We sent texts to each other saying how nice it was to see each other on our way home and I was quite excited that it went well. I thought that it was a turning point.

 

We were in LC before we bumped into each other and I assumed that things would just continue as they were. Yesterday, however, I got a very cold and abrupt reply from my ex when I text her casually to see how she was and what I was up to. I sent her one back saying it'd be cool to see her again sometime if she wanted to but said that it was up to her. No response. Not even an honest "I'm not interested" reply. Just silence. Which hurt me so much. I hardly slept last night. It's upsetting because by the looks of it, she's meeting up with another ex sometime. I really thought we'd be together forever and now we're not together, it's like I never meant anything to her.

 

So I think my only option is to leave it now. I've not told her how much I miss and love her but I think that'll make things worse.

 

I am just so scared that I will be forgotten. I don't want her to think I'm not interested in her anymore. I really love my ex and really hope that one day we can work things out. I have learnt from my mistakes and I know things could be different if she gave me a chance.

[lexion]

this is weird

i feel depressed, i miss my ex

but i'm not sad, and i don't feel any pain

 

it's like something missing from my life

but it's not something important

[honeyspur]

Wow Mustang - I really don't think that is fair to do to you. My ex did the same years ago during our break up - meeting up with me out of the blue, taking me out to a fair and treating me, offering for me to come over to his house, I politely declined but offered to get together the next day - he went cold and didn't answer his phone the next day.

 

I wasn't ready to get back together right away and felt like he wanted to rush into it and just because I wasn't ready - he cut me off again. That's not exactly the same as what you're dealing with - but the hot/cold thing is really jarring and confusing. I remember being really angry for weeks afterwards - then lonely, even though I was around my friends often.....

 

The month of NC is especially hard because the ex usually has no idea, so it seems really harsh our behavior towards them. I think from everyone's experiences - as we've seen here - NC can be custom built to fit specific circumstances. Some people were in an abusive style relationship so NC is necessary to break the cycle - others have to go to work or school with the ex and litterally have to communicate, so it becomes about putting boundaries in place so there is a feeling of safety and an ability to focus. And let's not forget those who've been asked by the ex to leave them alone, but somehow just keep sending that text or that email.

 

Learning about self control, boundary placement and how to let go are all things that can come with NC.

 

Forgiveness is a big factor in moving on. Like Mustang stated in an earlier post - if you don't want to forgive - then don't. There are stages to letting go and if you're not there yet, you're just not ready. Trying to force something when you're not ready will trigger you to relapse.

 

It might seem pointless to come here every day and count down the days - "Isn't that focusing too much on the ex?" you might ask. Well, yes. If you spend too much time here and not enough getting out - learning to try stuff by yourself - or skipping too much work or school - then coming here might not be a good thing either.

 

As I've said before, you don't have to be in a good mood to go see a movie by yourself or go to an event. Nobody says you have to be Mr./Ms. Fun all the time.

Allow you to be you - other people can deal with it if you aren't in the best mood - it's not their business.

 

Glad to see yo, Mustang and rjm here giving themselves some time to sift through feelings and ideas about their break-ups. It's always good to see people willing to try something different and see if it's right for them.

 

"A diamond is only created under intense unbearable heat. " - SamT

 

You can say that again.

[Mustang]

Thanks Honeyspur.

 

It was really nice to see my ex at the weekend. I didn't expect it and I didn't expect it to go so well.

 

I can only assume that she's now being cold with me because she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea.

 

It really hurts when I know that if I was who I am now we'd probably still be together and I wish I could prove to her how sorry I am and how things will be different. But I know if I tell her that she'll run. She ran at the idea of a friendly meet up again sometime so I guess she's made her point pretty clear.

 

I'm only backing off because I don't think there's anything else I can do anymore.

 

I will be very surprised if my ex contacts me. She seems over it. Then again, she made so much effort with me on Saturday that I am so confused by it all.

[honeyspur]

Oh that sounds sooooo familiar - LOL - I understand exactly what you're saying. My first love, Sean, who I lived with for two years and imagined marrying - it's the same feeling. When I think how if I was the person I am now during the time of our break up-well-we wouldn't have broken up!!! I even managed to tell him that once, but he must have moved on because he didn't respond really - just changed the subject.

 

But the man I'm with now I love about a thousand times more so I know that first relationship - powerful as it was - was really just getting me ready for a better relationship down the road.

 

I don't blame you Mustang, for being confused. It is comfusing, so maybe you are supposed to feel that way.....

[GetMeBack]

Well all of you probably know that I broke my 25 days NC yesterday with a text. I WISH I HADNT.

 

He called me in the evening, and the telephone conversation started off ok.He told me he was happy to hear my voice and that he missed me.He told me what he had been up too, and asked about me too. He also said he was thinking about breaking NC all last week but wasnt sure......sigh.

 

Well earlier in the day he had congratulated me by text about my book. However, when he asked me about my book on the phone and i told him what it was about ...he was not happy.. He was like but my family will find out what happened between us and did you not think about this - he is referring to the escorting that I did when we were together which practically paid for our relationship please read my earlier posts if you dont understand...And then he proceeded to say your the kind of girl that likes to talk about your private life to everyone..you dont keep nothing to yourself like me..I said thats not true. He said didnt you think about who it may hurt if you write that book. I was deeply hurt by this because I thought he would have been happy for me and he clearly wasnt..So I said when you say these things its like your putting me down..and he said you asked for my opinion blah blah. He then said this is why we cant be together as it will always come up..and this made me feel like he is putting all the blame as to why we broke up solely on me.

 

well that put a damper on the convo a bit...he then talked about a tv show we both like and he made me laugh a bit..and he asked me whether i am seeing anyone or slept with anyone..and that question made me uncomfortable so I decided not to answer. He said he doesnt see me as a friend because he still has romantic feelings for me....but he always says he dont know..when i ask him if we willlll ever get back together..

 

He told me about this interview he has got on thursday and said he wants to let me know how he got on..which hurt me because im good enough for support but not good enough to be his gf..

 

After the call we text back and forth and i made the mistake of telling him i miss him and love him very much and he sends one back saying ....you dont have to say it i know you do.. I still have love for you too...which is not the same as I LOVE YOU TOO..

 

He says he hasnt slept with anyone and that he doesnt want a relationship with anyone right now and it will be a long way off before he does..

 

So to sum up...he still dont want me back but has feelings for me..and will be calling or texting tomorrow to let me know about his interview...

 

I feel so drained...and think I need about 3 months solid NC to be honest. What a mess..

 

I love this man so deeply and he cant see it. I give up...

[SamT]

A diamond is only created under intense unbearable heat. lol

 

glad to have you on board mate.

 

Dont worry about her not being able to see if youve changed. thats for your benefit...and her loss if she doesnt see it.

At least now youve changed for yourself and for others around you.

 

 

- Day 6

 

honestly, im surprised ive made it this far.

sometimes it saddens me because she hasnt tried to contact.. i feel a bit disappointed, like shes finally letting me go.

although still i feel a bit relieved, i dont acctually want to talk or anything, if my phone rings, i am so much more relieved and uplifted when i see that its not her.

 

...i guess i just want to know thats shes thinking about me... im 70% sure she must be though, why would this time be different from the last, when she said thats all she ever thinks about!

 

hope everyone is doing alright.x

[Mustang]

Dont worry about her not being able to see if youve changed. thats for your benefit...and her loss if she doesnt see it.

At least now youve changed for yourself and for others around you.

 

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I have never had any idea how my ex has felt about the break up.

 

She could've been hurt for months for all I know. Or she could've been out celebrating after a couple of days. It's the unknown that kills me.

 

It sounds selfish, but I'd probably feel a bit better if she was going through a hard time after seeing me at the weekend as well. Does that make sense?

 

I just feel even more alone in assuming that she's out having the time of her life without a care in the world whilst I'm STILL wanting her back.

 

I'd love to know what she thinks of me now but I will never know because asking her will be too full on.

[SamT]

Aww GetMeBack..how do you feel?

Everything ok?

 

It seems like hes as confused as you are?! obviously his love for you hasnt died, but maybe hes just trying to keep it down...like he said.. "i keep things inside"

 

you'll get through it, what are your plans now? LC?

 

all my best.x

[SamT]

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I have never had any idea how my ex has felt about the break up.

 

She could've been hurt for months for all I know. Or she could've been out celebrating after a couple of days. It's the unknown that kills me.

 

It sounds selfish, but I'd probably feel a bit better if she was going through a hard time after seeing me at the weekend as well. Does that make sense?

 

I just feel even more alone in assuming that she's out having the time of her life without a care in the world whilst I'm STILL wanting her back.

 

I'd love to know what she thinks of me now but I will never know because asking her will be too full on.

 

 

i couldnt have put it better myself! lol... thats what i feel daily.

 

she has given me glimses of how she feels, but that was a long time ago, so im not sure if she still feels the same.

 

you'll get through it mate.

[GetMeBack]

I dont know to be honest . I know there is a man out there that will appreciate me nc has taught me that. I am going to sleep on it....need to think about what is best for me here now..

[bronte]

There must have been something in the air last night...I had a lot of trouble sleeping and ended up crying, wondering if he had thought about me at all on my birthday (I know, I know, so unreasonable of me--I tell him not to talk to me and then use it as a way to torture myself!)

 

I really miss him...

 

Starting Day #4.

[honeyspur]

I was so waiting to hear this - I've been on pins and needles waiting!

 

I'm so sorry luv, that was not the call I was hoping you'd have. I know you are hurt right now - but that conversation is a little better than it could have been. I think your ex DOES know how much you love him - but is being kind to you by not forcing you to change. He recognizes you have different ideals and also doesn't seem to think you should be different for his sake.

 

The statement he made about your book - shows what a guarded person he is. Is it wrong to be guarded? No. But guarded people do not surrender to love. Surrendering to love means being candid. It means being vulnerable. It means getting support from outside the relationship.

Your ex is not mature enough yet - it doesn't mean he won't get there - but he'll need to do it alone.

 

The question becomes, can you move on and be you without his approval? I think you can and MUST in order to truly let the real you out. The real you is going to be a success, going to help others through her life story and learn to love again without having to be in love first. That finished "product" will be appealing to him(and others) and most likely he will end up eating his words.

 

You know exactly how to live your own life Monique - there is no feasable way he could know. He didn't go through your experiences - he can't know.

I'm glad you had this call - and glad you practiced bravery and didn't step down just for his sake.

 

Acceptance of someone and how they feel - how do we do it when we feel differently?

[Addicus]

honeyspur...nice post...it remnds me of my ex and how she said that our differences are OK....that someone will like what I offer and in a way she was not wanting me to change....at the time she said that I had mixed emotions....angry that she didn't wnat to work on the issue and just accepted me for who I was....blessed that she allowed me to be me.....it's funny how we can see healthy behaviour as not healthy when we are angry and mad..it really does blurr the vision.