My relationship situation

[polandsprings]

I've been dating a great girl for the past 4 months. However, what transpired recently really opened my eyes and put into perspective things that have been bothering me, and I think I've come to a point where I've had enough. I guess I should begin by mentioning that I'm 28 - with my own home, and she's 23 - still living at home.

 

Over the holiday break (Christmas to New Years), I was on vacation, as was my girlfriend from our jobs. She stayed with me from Friday the December 22nd through New Years Day, which is about a week and a half's time. We spent all of vacation together - doing the holiday thing with our respective families, spending time during the week going out places and doing things, and then we both fell sick over New Years and simply stayed home, ate chinese food and played board and card games.

 

Late morning on New Years Day, one of my friends calls me to ask what I was doing that night and needed some help doing something at their house. I told them I was available. My girlfriend asked me what was up and I told her that I was going over to my friend's house later that night to help them with some computer problems. She got upset saying that she was under the impression that we were going to spend the whole day together. I told her, we have the whole day yet to spend together. I just have something I need to do in the evening / night part of the day.

 

I figured after a week-and-a-half of being together, and her being the complete center of my attention, where a lot of just stuff I need to do and other responsibilities (domestic and otherwise) got neglected, I figured I'd given her more than enough of myself and my time. So, this was about noon-time. I went and took a shower and after this event, I really started thinking about if this is what I really want. Ironically, while in the shower, I heard some rustling going on in the bedroom. After getting out of the shower, I come out to find that she's already packed all her bags and brought them out to her car. I thought that was fairly immature.

 

She ended up going home later that afernoon very unhappy.

 

A couple other points I want to make:

 

* Often times, when we're out and about, if I happen to have my hands in my pockets while walking around, which I frequently do, she like so "take" my arm - (like a bridesmaid being escorted by a groomsman at a wedding).

 

The problem I have with this, is because she so frequently *needs* to do it and also the fact that when she does it, it's not just her relaxingly wrapping her hand around my arm, she takes an incredibly tight grip on the fabric of my sweater or jacket or whatever, like she's clenching a wad of cash.

 

I don't know if those descriptions do justice for what I'm trying to convey. I had pictures I wanted to embed in this thread and found you're not allowed to do that. Anyway...

 

I find it very uncomfortable, because it physically limits my range of motion, and it also seems to be indicative of how "attached" she is to me.

 

I'm pretty much at the point where I want to break things off, because while she is a great girl, we have a good amount in common - I was her first relationship since she broke up with her last boyfriend back in the early summer, and they were together for 4 years; and she was my first relationship since I broke up with my last girlfriend back in March of '06, and we were together for 2.5 years; I don't think she's my best match.

 

After breaking up with my last girlfriend (March 2006), my life took a complete change of direction and I accomplished so many things and had an incredible year, where I found happiness among other things. I resolved to not settle, and wouldn't put myself in a relationship where I wasn't ultimately happy. She has low self-esteem and has a lot of insecurities, and I think those are taking its toll on us. I think I've shown patience and understanding, but I'm finding myself being dragged down by them and other circumstances that are created from her insecurities, such as the fact that she feels threatened by and is jealous of my female friends (all of whom have boyfriends). She's met them all a couple times, we've hung out together, etc. and she still feels the way she does.

 

As great of a girl as she is, and as night and day as this relationship was above the one I got ouf of in March 2006, I find myself unhappy and I realize that I can't save the world either. I don't want to be the focal point of her life. I want to be an important part, but she seems to lack a degree of independence and responsibility that I think comes with age and life experience.

 

I have a multitude of important things in my life - her, my friends, family, my job, exercising, my entrepreneurial endeavors, playing sports, taking care of my new house, and they all have their place and help provide me a very well balanced life. I view this as her being particularly needy / clingy, etc. Am I on the right track?

 

So, after this incredibly long ramble, I'm just looking for some outside input, food for thought if you will, because when you're on the inside, you can miss so much of the obvoius that is seen on the outside, and you don't even need a particularly discerning eye to see it.

 

Thank you for reading.

[n83]

It seems like some of your differences can be attributed to age difference. As far as life stages, there IS a difference between 23 and 28. I'm not sure if her insecurities would get better with time, but if you are really feeling that stifled, then it's time to get out of the relationship. Maybe next time, someone at your level (ie someone who is more independent in every way) would be the way to go.

 

One thing to keep in mind though: say you did find someone else that was more independent and didn't need you around as often. Are you sure that would make you happier than the situation you're in now?

[meantime]

I think you are very wise to see things as you have described. This is coming from a person who once behaved like your girlfriend. Reading your story I could just feel what she feeling while she packed her bags while you showered. This is something I have done. You have good emotional health and this is why you are able to see so clearly what this type of behavior can do to your life, which is weigh it down, good luck.

[bigheart09]

polandsprings...you said that you have only been dating for 4 months. If you feel this way now, It is probably best to end things now before both of you get even more attached. It seems like you have your life together, and she is still finding her way.

[polandsprings]

One thing to keep in mind though: say you did find someone else that was more independent and didn't need you around as often. Are you sure that would make you happier than the situation you're in now?

 

This is great input (from everyone)... This was never a case of me not wanting to spend time with her, and I'm sorry if you got that impression. I enjoyed the time we spent together and would do it again. We see each other on average about 4 days a week on a normal basis, and I'm not necessarily looking for more "me" time.

 

I was upset at the fact that after having me for a week and a half, that she couldn't let me go for a couple hours that night. I think that's ridiculous.

 

But, your "what if" type looking outside the box question above is some of the additional insight I was looking for. Thank you

 

meantime - I'm from the Boston area as well.

[chigal28]

I completely understand where you're coming from, and as someone who has spent the past year working to achieve a balance in my life (between relationship, friends, hobbies, work, etc.), I respect your desire to maintain that balance. I think that's great, and emotionally very healthy.

 

Speaking from the other side of the coin, strictly as devil's advocate...I don't want to stereotype the genders, so maybe I'll speak from my own experience...but for me, as a woman, the more uninterrupted time I spend with someone, the more emotionally attached I get during that time, and the more difficult it is to step back into "normal life."

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, and I am, generally speaking, the more independent one at this point, and usually the one striving to ensure that we have balance--spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, etc. STILL...we spent five straight days together (albeit with friends and family, too) during the holidays, which we never get to do even though we live together, and at the end of that time I was sad. Spending that much time together really made me feel that much closer to him, and pulling back from that back into "regular" post-holiday life was kinda tough.

 

So, IF you're still interested in this girl, it might be worth chatting with her about your feelings, but if you truly feel that it's not a match, I would definitely say something sooner than later. I had a guy end things with me a while back--also after about four months of dating--for, I think, the same reasons you're contemplating ending things with this girl. He was so nice about it though--really straightforward but kind, and I appreciated that.

[bigheart09]

chigal28, I totally understand what you are saying. I am a pretty independent person, and my bf is as well. But, this past long weekend we spent every moment together. When it came to time to go home on Monday night, I felt very sad and didnt want to leave. I knew I would see him the next day, but I still felt weird leaving. That could be what your girlfriend was feeling.

[arwen]

I think that if you feel this way after only 4 months, it's a sign you need to get out. Obviously those four months were enough for you to realize that she simply has different needs than you have at this moment. This could be an incompatibility in needs but also of timing. In case of the first, things wouldn't change anyway. In case of the latter, maybe after her last break up she is more vulnerable and thereforeeee more clingy than she normally is, and vice versa for you, maybe you needed some more space after your last relationship and this was not the right time to go for a full commitment to someone new.

 

These are just some thoughts. I think that she deserves the truth, although she will probably be very upset. It reminds me a lot of how I was in my first relationship. My bf was someone who had a lot of aims in life, and I felt like I could never be the priority for him. That resulted in me becoming so clingy it was painfully embarrassing, and him growing more distant. Be careful for that kind of vicious circle and open up about your feelings before both of you are in some confused state.

 

Arwen