Not a question of if anymore

[CynicalGuitarist]

But a question of "when"... I've looked at this past year (which sucked, btw) and I look at how far I've been set back. I hate my life. It's useless and stupid. I'm not going anywhere, I've thrown my future away, have no job or hope of survival, so what's the point? I can't talk to anybody about this because almost all of them are fundamentalist christians or ardent atheists who will "try and make me feel better"... I don't want to feel better... I just want to DIE. There's no way I can have any success because I am the most pathetic man alive. I'm a shallow, careless, selfish person, and this is my predicament... It's not a question of "if" anymore... but a question of "when". When am I going to lose control of my mind? When will the suicidal beast that wants out of this shell be released? When will the depression fits and apathy end?

 

Only death can cure me now.

 

So pass this on to the children of America... and the world: the national Japanese saying "The nail that sticks out is the first one to be hammered"... and boy did I learn that the hard way.

 

Trying to maintain control.

[shelly7]

hey cynical guitarist, I can tell by your writing that you're way too intelligent and creative to just give up on life.

 

We all have our personal demons and they vary from person to person at different times in their lives. The truths that we see when we look in the mirror at ourselves are temporary. We are forever changing, people are forever coming in and out of our lives. You have to fight! Sometimes we even have to fight ourselves to do what's best for us.

 

At 19 you have your whole life to look forward to. I'm not going to sugar coat it, sure there are going to be moments of hell, but those moments make us humble and stronger. There will aslo be moments of happiness and love. I'm sure you can tell by perusing this sight there are plenty of us feeling alone and hopeless right now.

 

But you have to fight through those feelings! Suicide is not the answer. Release your anger in your creative outlets. Don't give up, you're way stronger and smarter than that!!

[daredevil]

Dude I know it sounds difficult for you, but there is a way out of this problems and as stated by the post above your far to intelligent and far to creative to give up now.. This beast will disappear and if needed with the help from us or me.. you can pm me, I will be here to support you.. Life doesn't suck, life is just a * * * * * for some long periods.. hang in there, You arE NOT ALONE!

[CynicalGuitarist]

Nobody seems to care about "creativity" ever since the corporate... *insert an obscenity here* at MTV and other media outlets have deliberately and purposefully killed off rock and roll in as many ways possible as they could... there's no way I can live trying to find a band... all they care about is "SHUT UP AND BUY. CREATIVITY IS STUPID!! QUIET THAT RIGHT BRAIN THERE DAMMIT!!" it seems like life is just about money and getting laid. I'm involved in neither. On top of that, I'm a terrible mathematician and have never had a job before. I hate the world, and myself.

 

I wish I didn't have a right-brain. I wish I could've stopped that guitar playing and became a mathematician.

[daredevil]

Nobody seems to care about "creativity" ever since the corporate... *insert an obscenity here* at MTV and other media outlets have deliberately and purposefully killed off rock and roll in as many ways possible as they could... there's no way I can live trying to find a band... all they care about is "SHUT UP AND BUY. CREATIVITY IS STUPID!! QUIET THAT RIGHT BRAIN THERE DAMMIT!!" it seems like life is just about money and getting laid. I'm involved in neither. On top of that, I'm a terrible mathematician and have never had a job before. I hate the world, and myself.

 

I wish I didn't have a right-brain. I wish I could've stopped that guitar playing and became a mathematician.

 

a mathematician would perhaps been more boring?

 

perhaps the sort of band you're searching for isn't where you have been looking, have you tried looking at myspace or spread out who you are there?

[CynicalGuitarist]

fear seems to control many musicians. It's been happening for at least the past year... Nobody seems to want to create Jazz/Rock fusion... it's all this emo/pop/rock stuff that's polluting the airwaves and making it harder for those with TALENT to be noticed.

[shelly7]

Music comes in phases. When I was your age, I was into the Alternative Rock scene, (i'm dating myself but whatever).

 

You bring up a vaild point when I look at my cd's the bulk of the stuff I bought back in the 90's. The problem now is, if I want a song, I download it from somewhere, not illegally of course (smirk). So, the music industry is taking a big hit, financially.

 

Point is this is a rough time for emerging bands. Record companies want what sells, but they always did. You either have to develop a tougher skin or move onto to a different career path. There is A LOT of rejection in the music industry, and it can eat away at your soul if you let it. And look I know at 19, you have your heart set on your music, but you need to be open minded to other career choices in the meantime, while you continue to create.

 

You need to create music for YOU! And if the money comes hey that's great.

 

I still have friends in their late twenties and early thirties that are still waiting for their big break. They've been strung along a few times, had their hopes up, and then crushed again.

 

However around their mid twenties they all started persuing other interests, but they still play bars and try to maintain contacts.

 

Tough skin and a little faith! Good luck to you!

[Jeffrey2095]

Hey man,

 

Life has been this way for many artistic people, just look at history. Some of the very brightest, felt they were misfits... and rightly so...

 

Would you be happy being a "run of the mill", "conventional" person whos ambitions terminate with their 1.6 children and their Lexus? Damn, I hope not.

 

Like you, I play guitar and write music, and it has never been easy for us. (Tough biz, right?) After 32 years of playing, I can't seem to get with a band. Just bad luck and bad serendipity.

 

Hang in there dude, you have made it this far! Turn your anguish into some deep, solid music. Hey, the world could use it. What kind of stuff do you play?

 

"There's no use in quitting, when the world is waiting for you..."

(Supertramp, "Gone Hollywood")

 

email removed e-mail any time

[CynicalGuitarist]

What kind of music do I play? Well, all kinds... but you might wanna check out my pure volume page at link removed

 

btw... love the Yes quote... They are teh rock.

[Bethany]

When am I going to lose control of my mind? When will the suicidal beast that wants out of this shell be released? When will the depression fits and apathy end?

 

Only death can cure me now.

 

Trying to maintain control.

 

You're NOT going to lose control of your mind. Let go of yourself and you will find that NOTHING happens when you do. You are holding on trying to keep control of what? There is no need to try to keep control.

 

The only way you lose control of your mind is if you are insane. You are NOT insane.

 

The suicidal beast does NOT exist. The depression fits and apathy ends when you realise that you are doing this to yourself, so stop fighting to keep control of something that DOES NOT EXIST. There is NO beast inside you trying to take control of you or going to be released, THERE IS NOT.

 

Only you can cure yourelf by realising that you are the one who is doing this to YOURSELF. Stop trying to control yourself, it doesn't work.There is NOTHING to keep control of, NOTHING will happen if you do. Try it and find out for yourself... Let go and see for yourself.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hey man,

 

I listened to "prov city". It was very nice. Very soothing. It kind of sounded like someone speaking, in the way that it had a lot of expression. I play all kinds of music also. (Mostly hard rock/ grunge, etc. I haven't really played much jazz since high school, I miss it.

 

A few years ago, I decided to buckle down and learn to play and sing at the same time. I got so sick of waiting for others to get it together, I decided to just do it all myself.

 

One thing that is especially a downer for an artist of any medium is apathy toward their work. I might build what I think is an awesome website, or write a book that I think is just hilarious, and all I get from some of my friends is "cool dude". (Even the artistic ones.)

 

Hang in there guy, and try and gain some strength through music; remember all the really great artists struggled for recognition, and many never attained much more than heartache, but we gotta keep going.

 

I'll set up some links to your page.

[CynicalGuitarist]

I don't mean to be rude... but...

 

Do you know me personally? Do you know what goes through my mind every single day? Do you know how it feels being a 5'4 19-year-old whose never had a job or a girlfriend and is a misfit (possibly bi-polar too) because of it? Do you know how it feels to still be called "midget"? Do you know how it feels to be harassed by gang bangers? Do you know how it feels to lose at everything you do and get made fun of for it? Do you know how it feels to be inquired about impossible crap and belittled for it when you don't know the answer? Do you know how it feels when nobody takes you seriously and almost everybody ignores you, especially women (and they wonder why I'm so god-damned angry at them)? Do you know how it feels to lose a best friend to suicide and live with the guilt realizing that you could've treated him better? Do you know how it feels to have people try to cheer you up by saying "I know how you feel... you could have it a lot worse, you spoiled brat!" (which actually makes me wanna kill myself even more)? Do you know how it feels to be the antisocial black sheep of the family? Do you know how it feels to be 19, yet everyone in your family treats you like a 12-year-old? Do you know how it feels to have all this pent-up energy that can't even be rid of by biking over 30 miles a day? Do you know how it feels to have mass amounts of lethargy when you aren't hyperactive? Do you know how it feels to have a constant tempt to wanna smoke pot again... but you can't because a. it doesn't affect you anymore and b. you'll fail a drug test because you are desperately trying to find a job? Do you have extreme trouble sleeping (and even bouts of insomnia) because you have 234672473456345 different thoughts going through your head at night?

 

Point is, nobody knows what it's like to be me. Nobody's ever worn my shoes but me. So, you saying my problem is "null" because I created it is only half-right.

 

Thanks for your concern though.

 

(didn't mean to be rude, I'm off to a bad start this year and another one of my buddies is goin' to the ol army soon...)

[CynicalGuitarist]

Hey, i agree with you. But, record companies are always looking for real talent. Just look at Jet, and that idiot who sang that "look who's alone now" song (you know the irish one, i think his name is james... oh yes, james blunt). They sing and create organic rock.

 

Hey man, you've just got to have moxy and a phuck-you attitude!

 

Blegh... no offense, but Jet... blegh. They're like AC DC trying to sing indie rock... and I find AC DC highly overrated in the first place.

 

That's ironic how you say that... because it seems that the only way to become successful in music anymore is to succumb to the will of the zionist masters (RIAA) who will rape your creative ability until the music is very much the opposite of "groundbreaking" and "edgy"...

 

Unless, that is, you're in the band "Tool" or "Dredg".

[Bethany]

(didn't mean to be rude, I'm off to a bad start this year and another one of my buddies is goin' to the ol army soon...)

 

Sorry you missed my point. You wasn't being rude but you were missing the fact that I speak from experience and from knowing the deepest darkest places than you fear to tread right now, places that you can only imagine, and after living in the vaults of that Hell for over six years, believe me, there is nothing inside you that kills you, you alone with your thoughts and fears do that. Learn from my experience.

 

And to be honest, after reading your problems..If you read them over yourself, surely even you can see it's a matter of 'state of mind'? And there is nothing worth killing yourself over, nothing.

[Carl5000]

I know exactly how it feels having a 4.5" willy ) and having many bad experiences as a child, young adult and now being celibate for seven years. Also, knowing my confidence sexually is shot to pieces and its unlikely to recover for me to be able to date again. It feels like women respect me, like me until i undress and i go from being achilles to a form of parasite in a glance. "Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we kill" that quote couldn't be more accurate.

 

This is even better - To give up is the easiest thing in the world to do. But, to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you gave up. that's true strength. Am i striving for the painkillers, rope or carbon monoxide? I came for a war not a game of tiddly winks ) it is a state of mind, you either fight or flight. I know which one is nobler to me and it needs even more enhancement- you have the power, tools to overcome any obstacles in ur life you just have to fine tune them. Good luck bro.