EX contacted b/f on NEW YEARS EVE

[hope123]

i wrote in my previous thread how i was nervous about this and it turns out she did text him. It was like 12:45 am. The text i guess was sent to a lot of people b/c it said..happy new year, i love you guys...which also makes me angry b/c of the love part of the text. If this is an ex b/f..i wouldnt be including that in the text when i am sending it to everyone.

 

First of all..let me point out..at one time my b/f told me--he is good with telephone numbers..he says he remembers numbers he hasnt called in like 10 years.

 

NOW--he felt his phone vibrate and its a text from her number(she isnt in his contacts)..and i say who is that..He says HE DOESNT KNOW..he said its not in his contacts and he would call tomorrow to find out. I say again, you don't know who this is? you have no idea?(another thing is..this number is SO EASY..looking at it one time, and i remember it.) So he calls it and we are in a loud place so i cant hear everything he is saying but basically it was like a 37 second phone call saying happy new year and he asked are you home? and so on...and then he told me who it was and that it was her...(Now--another thing is..i wonder if i just let it go and not said anything..and then asked him like a day later oh who was it--i wonder if he would have lied and said it was a guy or wrong number..sometimes i wish i would have but i couldnt help myself, it was how i felt). He told me it was her and i had nothing to worry about..which i hate when some say b/c my friends have even been told that and their b/f was lying through their teeth(not that i am trying to compare)

 

And of course I got mad..i just reacted..i said, you didnt recognize that number and he just says "i'm going to recognize a number i havent dialed in a year?" even though he told me at one point he remembers numbers he hasnt even dialed in a long time and her number is seriously very easy. I said you told me u were good with numbers and u lied to me last year about her calling. He just looks at me with like nothing to say

I said why is it necessary for you to be in contact with her and he just says something along the lines of he hasnt spoken to her in like a year and he thinks the last time it was last new years eve or around the holidays. And then he started to try to brush it off and say what do you want me from me and you are going to ruin new years. I said i have to be ok with this and you expect me to? and he just says no you dont but what do you want me to do, tell her dont ever call me again? I didn't say anything to that and a big part of me wanted to say yes, dont pick up her calls or respond and encourage contact but i felt like i couldnt do something like that.

 

I said so you arent going to call her this week? and he tells me no. I said are you lying and thats when he gets mad and begins to walk over to his friends. Basically, i didnt want to ruin new years so i DROPPED IT and we got along for the rest of the night and spend the next day together too.I really wanted to bring up the fact that i think he lied initially when seeing this number and saying i dont know who it is..but i didnt..

 

i didn't know what my next step should be and that is why i am here...what would you guys do...should i be concerned? Do i bring this up again at a better time? Or drop it altogether and worry if at night he is getting more calls from her(i only see him like 3 nights a week though)I also am really wondering that if i just let it go when i saw that and asked him who it was the next day or something would he have told me it was someone else..Do you guys think i should be worried about any of this? It doesn't seem they are in constant conact but should i be ok with this? And is it wrong to say..no i dont want you to pick up her calls or respond..to me, saying that is fooling myself b/c i think a person would still do it.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I sent a big mass text to everyone in my phone book saying 'happy new year' - so did a lot of people I think. To be so honest, I wasn't entirely sober so didn't pick or choose. I think you're making a dreadful mountain out of a molehill. I'm not sure what you're annoyed with him about - you heard him have a thirty second bland call with an ex, not knowing it was her. I would drop the whole thing, because someone behaving like that would really irritate me - when I'm a bit drunk, having a boyfriend going on and on about knowing the number... I would have snapped. He's not seeing her again, and if he was, you cannot police his every move. You just can't -that's where trust comes in.

 

Maybe you need to work on your jealousy issues? Because you are NEVER going to be able to have someone you can control entirely, who they speak to and when. That's where the trust comes in.

[xMorningStarx]

I do think you have a right to be a little annoyed at the fact she texted him with the love part, even though it appears to be a mass text. If they haven't spoken for a year and he didn't have her number in his phone book, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

Christmas and New Year is when all the ex's come out to play and contact others. They see it as a chance to catch up and become friends again. If she keeps contacting him, then you'd have a reason to be worried.

 

Also, was he drinking that night? Maybe he was too drunk to remember the number. Or maybe he was just saying he remembered numbers to kinda show off in a lame way.

[Caterina]

They haven't spoken in a year...why are you making such a big deal out of it?

[sparkle1]

I think you have security issues here....BIG ones.

 

The text was simply a text.

 

You don't go into detail regarding the breaking up of your BF and his ex - i'm presuming it was amicable? Why wouldn't you 'send to all' in your phone book? why wouldn't they have one anothers numbers?

 

i really struggle with this. Ex's are Ex's. They had there time...and depending on the break up = i.e painful = get rid of number. Amicable = keep number....

 

I think you should drop it. You got your point accross you weren't happy about the text (which incidentally wasn't his fault for getting - yet he got the bolloking for)....

 

If you want a relationship - a proper relationship, talk to him about your insecurities in a adult way, where he can re assure you of his feelings for you.

Don't over react and go mad at him for something that wasn't his fault!

[Hope75]

All it was was a mass text to a bunch of people, I think you are blowing this way out of of proportion and making your boyfriend feel like he is on trial for something he didn't even do.

 

hope123, this is a constant theme with you- so either your bf is doing things to earn your distrust, in which case you should leave him- or the problem is with you and you need to get it worked out before you drive him away for good.

 

You have dozens of posts on this forum with different scenarios but the same basic theme.... all of which end with you interrogating your bf, suspicious of him cheating, and showing him that you do not trust him.

 

If you honestly think he is cheating- why do you stay?

 

If you do not think he is cheating- why do you treat him this way?

 

If it were me and my bf was constantly bugging and interrogating me the way you do to your bf I would leave him (what is the point of a relationship if you cannot trust your partner?)- and I suspect that once he has had enough or your antics (and judging from his reaction at New Year's I would guess that time is not too far off) he will leave you too.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree that you are serioulsy and ridiculously over re-acting. I mean no disrespect, but it seems like you're either looking for a fight or are WAY too insecure about your relationship.

 

I would recommend dealing with THAT issue first....

[hope123]

Also..not to change the topic of this thread but i really need to vent about what else happened..we went to a diner after..and one of the friend's sister was sitting next to me. She is a party girl..and she wanted to go to an after hours place. A club. And she asked me to go and i said basically no its ok..a few minutes later she says to my b/f lets go, let get out of here..and my b/f of course does say..no thanks i appreciate the invite...but isnt that totally rude of HER when i am sitting right there?? I really needed to vent on that. I guess i shouldnt think she was implying anything, but she is a party girl and asked my b/f to do that so it made me a little mad..Of course i wouldnt say anything..it just wasnt worth it. Am i totally wrong here too? or it was nothing b/c she asked me first or something, i dunno.

[sophie274]

No I don't find it rude. My boyfriend goes to party with our mutual friends all by himself all the time. Not weird, since I am always asked too but I rarely go because parties are not really my thing.

 

You can't expect women to stop talking to your boyfriend because you and he are going out. I think you need to relax and realize that you can't control other people's actions. Your boyfriend's ex, his friends, girls who may flirt with him ... you can't help it. Have some confidence in the character and love of your boyfriend.

[Honey Pumpkin]

No, it's not rude of her. You are SERIOUSLY over analysing things. Please, Hope, take a step back and look at your previous threads. If you don't chill out, your boyfriend will leave you because you're suffocating him. I'm not wanting to be rude, but please listen to what people are saying and have said to you all year. Where do these feelings of insecurity come from? Why are you overanalysing every encounter???

[hope123]

Ok i see your point about the part girl.

 

 

Back to the ex. I have read a lot of threads from other people and some have said that any contact between ex's not relating to holidays, b-days or having to do with children they have together is bad news and not really a good sign.

 

I guess that is how i feel about it. I definitely know last year it was not just holidays they were talking. That was about 6-9 months into our relationship so it really makes me wonder what is going to stop them from starting to talk like that again. He says what does last year have to do with now. But i cant help but think there will be some phone calls now after new years now. I don't think he is going to physically cheat or anything but i guess i just dont like it plain and simple.

[caro33]

In this relationship what ratio is there timewise of you relaxing and enjoying yourself, versus being anxious or unhappy about things you don't like happening?

 

I think you over-reacted on NYE, but this was inevitable, as you primed yourself from the outset to get upset about this issue. You have built it up so much that the reality of the situation has been lost. The reality of his interactions with his ex, I think, is likely to be bland and drama-free.

 

Was it worth it? Did you have a good New Year's?

[annie24]

I think any man you will ever date will always have one ex that he is on friendly terms with. I know I have one, and so do most people I know. And you know, I wouldn't even call 1 mass text message a year friendly terms. They are barely acquaintances, more like strangers it sounds.

 

I also don't think that girl was rude. I think she was being really polite and pleasant by asking you guys to hang out. you were the one who turned her down, and then got mad that she extended an invite to your boyfriend.

 

I think you are thinking about yourself too much, and not thinking about how your boyfriend feels. His gf gets mad/upset/uncomfortable/nervous/paranoid every time a random ex sends a text that says "happy new year" or a mutual friend suggests they hang out. You are pretty much telling him every single day that you don't trust him, that you don't think he likes you or is faithful to you, that every random girl who talks to him wants him, and that you think he is capable of cheating and lying to you. Really, that is the message you are sending him. One day, he just may think "she doesn't trust me, so I may as well cheat." or, you will be lucky and he will just break up with you.

 

Honestly, I think if this keeps going on, and you keep acting suspicious of what he's doing and who he's talking to, he will dump you. No one wants to be treated like a 5 year old child.

[hope123]

hey annie,

 

i do agree with you. It would be hard to find any person who doesnt speak to an ex. But i guess i feel like at a certain point in a relationship, why should you talk other than just during the holidays etc..i don't see the point and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

And i do get what you are saying..that he will get tired of it. But this has bothered me for a long time and i never liked it and i know i have the option of leaving but i just feel that the longer we are together--he shouldnt feel the need to have this ex in his life anymore. I told him last year i didn't like it and he just said oh we are friends and disregarded it. Now he is telling me what does last year have to do with now. But i still believe he will have some contact with her now. My friend said he did lie..i told her number and she is like that number is SOO EASY and if i went out with this person for longer than a year, i wouldnt forget the number and would be able to recognize it. So he lied i guess to avoid the situation altogether..again...Also, it was not just once a year last year..it was more often than that..so it makes me feel that since they started this contact again on NYE, it will continue like it did last year.

[hope123]

i really want to say..you don't have kids with her..there is no real reason to be speaking to her anymore..and to not respond to those texts or calls.

[arwen]

I think the text was innocent, and sent to many people at once. People do that a lot on new years eve to save time. In fact, it's one of the most impersonal ways to send wishes out. You are reading way too much into this. Why on earth do you think that he'd recognize her number? For all you know, she copied her contacts into a new cellphone (people also get new phones and numbers all the time), and he doesn't even HAVE that number!

 

I think you have no reason to suspect anything serious, yet you seem to use every tiny thing to accuse him of something huge. Can you imagine how this makes your bf feel? Unless he'd be really hiding something (which I doubt he is), you are blaming him for lying, cheating, seeing other girls. This is only one of the many incidents, I remember the change of the photo in his cell, the lipgloss in the car, and a LOT of those insignificant events that make your life a hell. Don't let your fear overshadow your relationship. There is no USE in this, girl. I think you really need counselling for this. You are trapped in a cycle of thoughts and you are not getting out of it. Cognitive therapy is what I'd recommend based on experience. But see a doctor for referrals.

 

Ilse

[hope123]

Ilse,

 

I know that was the number..b/c last year he lied to my face one time saying it was a guy..and for some reason i just knew it wasn't right..eventually i got tempted and copied down the number, called it from a restricted number and it was her. And like i said..he tells me he remembers numbers he hasnt called in 10 years but cant remember this one..I told a good friend the number and she said yeah its very easy, he most likely lied but just b/c he didnt want to start anything on NYE.

 

I dont think this situation has to do with cheating. And yes a text message is a text message..BUT he called her at a loud club for less than a minute..You really think that will be the last time he talks or calls her until his birthday? Somehow i doubt it. My friends tell me, yes it is too much contact if he is calling her every week or something but that probably wont be the case at all and only start worrying if by chance she is calling when you are there..b/c if they are talking more, it is bound to happen that she calls that one night i might be with him.

[arwen]

Well, if I were him, I'd be scared to hurt your feelings as well. I think he is lying because he feels he is walking on eggshells a lot of the time. One of my exes wished me a happy new year over a text (he's from another country), I had my bf read the message and we had a chat about how happy I was with him (the current of course). My bf really doesn't mind the text and I am not afraid to show it because I know he trusts me 100%. I doubt that your bf has the feeling he is being trusted.

 

You say you don't think it has to do with cheating, well, I don't have that impression either, it's you who seems to have the impression that what ever your bf is doing, he can't be trusted (that was what I was referring to).

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[jazzykat]

Hope, I have read this story/situation, and others you have posted about, on this forum...

The replies you get, all say the same thing -that you need to relax, stop over analysing, and possibly consider counselling..? Do you ever take in any of these replies? Have you ever imagined what it would be like to be in your boyfriend's shoes? I'm not sure what sort of replies you are looking for... but you seem to ignore everyone's advice, and choose to keep on behaving in an overly intense manner.. Do you yourself, think that your behaviour in this relationship, and your treatment of your boyfriend, is ...normal? Would you put up with this treatment from a partner...?

[hope123]

I think some of the things in the past i was completely wrong on. And i actually feel i have improved as compared to last year. This is just a forum..how i live my daily life is usually very different, even when with my b.f.

NO counseling is not the answer for me.

 

There are things i regret..maybe i shouldnt have questioned too much...BUT this was a situatiuon i did not like last year..especially when i found he lied. Then i actually went through a period of is he cheating on me with her? Currently, i still don't like the situation with the ex.

 

 

Do you think i should mention to him that i still feel the way i feel regarding what happened NYE but dropped it b/c i didnt want to ruin the night or the next day. B/c it hasnt been brought up since.

[jazzykat]

I would just leave it with what you said that night..

If you can, just let it go.

 

I really don't think you'll have any more problems with her contacting him.

It was probably just a random drunken New Year's text..

 

Is there any reason you can think of, that you might want to sabotage this relationship? Subconsciously?

 

Are you happy in general with your Boyfriend?

[Hope75]

Here is the thing. If your boyfriend wants to keep his ex in his life as a friend that is his perogative. He is a person of free will who can do as he chooses. Having her as a friend should not have to stop because he is dating you- there isn't an expiration date on a friendship. You are not comfortable with it- so that has to be something you decide. Are you willing to accept a friendship that makes you uncomfortable because it is his right to have whomever he chooses as a friend, or does it make you so uncomfortable that you leave him?

 

Think about why it makes you uncomfortable- because you feel threatened in some way that there were others before you? That he has a history with this woman? Why does that bother you? The past is the past- he is with you because he wants to be- but if you keep up with the interrogations about every little text or phone call or encounter- you are most certainly going to drive him away.

[hope123]

If you are in a relationship, noone would be mad if they saw their b/f receive a text saying happy new year LOVE you guys. Even if it was a mass text, you think that is appropriate to send to an ex when he is in a relationship?

 

I am debating about bringing up this whole topic to him saying i really don't like a contact between you and an ex.

[finewhine]

So his ex was supposed to censor her mass text to suit each individual in her cellphone? That would require she think MORE about your boyfriend than she did. As it stands, she probably wasn't thinking too much about him.

 

What you're suggesting is that this woman sent a mass text that specifically included the word "love" to everyone she knew just so she could tell your ex she still loved him, or to flaunt the fact that she once loved him to you. That's preposterous.

[caro33]

If you are in a relationship, noone would be mad if they saw their b/f receive a text saying happy new year LOVE you guys. Even if it was a mass text, you think that is appropriate to send to an ex when he is in a relationship?

 

I am debating about bringing up this whole topic to him saying i really don't like a contact between you and an ex.

 

Many people send messages with 'love' at the end. I think that the signoff is pretty much nullified by the fact that it's a mass text. I'm not saying you have to like it, but I would guess your reaction to this text is far more damaging to your relationship than the text itself.

 

From your whole interaction on NYE do you think he is in any doubt about what you think of this? I would have thought your views on this were crystal clear!

 

If you do say something, you need to be clear what you are looking for from the discussion. What can he say that will make you feel better. If there is nothing you can think of that he can say or do, then I wouldn't mention it as nothing good can come of it. If you do have a clear view of what he needs to do then make sure you express that to him. Then he can choose if he wants to do as you say or not.