Something suspicious is going on yet AGAIN... Young girls, etc. (Clean version!)

[Cadence308]

I haven't read your previous threads, but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. You clearly don't trust the guy and it sounds like he disrespects you by flirting with other women, breaking your stuff, etc. I agree that you have 2 choices: 1) stay with him, follow him to the store whenever he goes to make sure he is not talking and flirting with other women, stay unhappy; or 2) end the relationship and find someone whom you trust and is not abusive and be happy. Your choice.

[jenny_mcs]

I think what DN said is pretty much the ultimate truth. I know I should leave but don't, and just vent on this website and probably will never leave and will probably be on this website forever posting about the next bad thing he's done, while the solution is simple: it's to leave, but I likely won't and will just avoiding the reality by staying in a bad situation and griping on the internet.

 

I have read your posts before and you seem so intelligent, and I have wondered why you stay with such an obvious schmuck of a guy.

 

I think, before you resign yourself to a lifetime of wondering what teen your boyfriend is flirting with/cheating on you with, you should really ask yourself why you stay.

 

Are you afraid to be alone?

 

Does your past (your mother & father’s relationship, other adult role models) make you think that this is what relationships are like- suspicion, sketchy behavior, accusations, blow-out fights, etc?

 

Are you addicted to the drama of being with someone who is constantly teetering on the edge of being unfaithful?

 

Do you have low self-esteem and thereforeeee feel you somehow deserve this incredibly disrespectful treatment from your partner?

 

You are smart, so you have to realize that there is another way to exist- to be in a fulfilling, loving relationship where you aren’t constantly monitoring teen check-out girls to see which one your partner has been hitting on.

 

Why are you denying yourself that and resigning yourself to a life with this loser?

[Budman]

engaged, I think you are too busy trying to find an excuse to leave instead of just wanting to leave.

 

Also, the guy if he breaks your stuff or breaks stuff in general has anger management issues.

 

Also, Flirting is not a bad thing, its called dating/going out/sleeping with people that is wrong, flirting is a fine (unless of course they have cheated on you before).

 

You aren't sure he loves you, thus you think he's cheating.

 

Time to leave and say screw it.

 

also, Marriage is a lot harder to end then an engagement.

 

Ask my cousins on that...

[SarahRose]

Have you ever been in a relationship before that has ended or is this your first?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

engagedkitty - long story short, he just is NO good for you.

 

He has NO respect for you.

 

Please leave him, I promise him he won't change.

[Hope75]

It's not that I think it's okay, it's just that it's hard to want to leave, and even harder to leave. I can't explain why. I don't really know. It's complicated and though I know logically I should leave and have every right to, it's just impossible to actually do. I am one of those types who can't let go, of anything.

 

I know that staying shows him it's perfectly fine to do what he does, but at the same time I wonder if a person with at least some sort of conscience would realize how much stress it puts on someone and would feel bad about it, and make a change. Wishful thinking..? Idealistic hopefulness of a reality that is not possible? Probably.

 

Know what?

 

it IS hard to leave. But you CAN do it-if you want to.

 

I did it myself. I was engaged and living with my ex fiance from age 18-23. He was not good for me and like you, I wanted to give him a chance to change. Just like you, I thought, "how can a reasonable person with a conscience treat someone like this? Won't he eventually see how he's hurting me and stop?" The answer is no, he won't. He sees nothing wrong with the way he's treating you. It isn't going to change. It wasn't easy to leave him, but it was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. I respected myself enough to know that I don't have to settle for that sort of treatment, and I don't deserve it.

 

You know what? I left my ex at 23 and I am 31 now. He is married to someone else and he has a child. And he treats his wife just as badly as he treated me. Nothing has changed. That is just who he is- and I am glad it is not me married to him. I gave myself a chance and I met a wonderful man whom I have been with for 4 years now and who treats me like gold. I never would have had that chance if I had settled for a guy like you are settling for you bf.

 

Don't make it out to be a passive process. You have control over this situation. If you wanted to, you could and you would leave him. The fact is you don't want to. But if you want to be with him, you have to want and accept this sort of treatment. You are agreeing and accepting everything you get right now, and that is your choice. Seems futile to sit and complain about something you can put a stop to. How much sympathy and understanding can you expect to receive when the ultimate answer is right there in front of your face, but you refuse to consider it?

 

I feel sad for you. You don't have to settle for this and you don't deserve it. And you know it. And you are not helpless, you are just choosing to stay in a situation that is bad for you.

[DN]

There is a story of a man who was bangng his head against a brick wall. Someone asked him why he was doing that.

 

"Because it feels so good when I stop." he answered.

 

Time for you to stop.

[Batya33]

It's not that I think it's okay, it's just that it's hard to want to leave, and even harder to leave. I can't explain why. I don't really know. It's complicated and though I know logically I should leave and have every right to, it's just impossible to actually do. I am one of those types who can't let go, of anything.

 

I know that staying shows him it's perfectly fine to do what he does, but at the same time I wonder if a person with at least some sort of conscience would realize how much stress it puts on someone and would feel bad about it, and make a change. Wishful thinking..? Idealistic hopefulness of a reality that is not possible? Probably.

 

If you continue to put a positive spin on this - that you are staying because you are hopeful, because you love him, etc - then you won't leave because you rationalize that you are doing something positive. Once you see that you stay because you are passive and/or afraid of being alone that might be a step in the right direction.

 

Since you know you should leave and just choose not to I don't see the point of posting the parade of horribles he does - or that you think he does - on this board. What does it matter whether others think what he did was ok, not ok, or somewhere in between? You already have your answer. As far as you being the type that doesn't let go of anything - let's see - if your boss reduced your salary by 90% tomorrow would you stay or go? If your fiancee threatened to kill you would you stay or go? Threatened to kill your family? Stop making excuses and pretending that your decision to stay comes from a positive place of self-love and self-worth.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Well, I'm not trying to get sympathy and stuff, I just post because it's a way to vent. It's also an attempt at sorting this all out, because I don't know what I'm going to do and talking it out with other people (even in the form of an online bulletin board) helps.

 

I'll take you guys' advice on this one, I'll stop posting the 'parade of horribles' and etc because there's no point. I'll only post on here to respond to other people's problems.

[avman]

Please continue to post. You are more than welcome. One person's opinion does not constitute fact and if it helps you to talk things out then please continue to do so.

[Batya33]

Well, I'm not trying to get sympathy and stuff, I just post because it's a way to vent. It's also an attempt at sorting this all out, because I don't know what I'm going to do and talking it out with other people (even in the form of an online bulletin board) helps.

 

I'll take you guys' advice on this one, I'll stop posting the 'parade of horribles' and etc because there's no point. I'll only post on here to respond to other people's problems.

 

No, that was not what I meant - I did not understand your decision in continuing to post given your statement that you already know you need to leave, but somehow cannot. Now I understand that you just want to vent (although you asked specifically what we thought of the most recent events, so that was confusing). Venting makes a lot of sense, of course.

[Hope75]

Kitty,

 

Venting is something that we all need to do- you are no exception and you should continue to feel welcome to do so.

 

I think the consesus is that it is hard to understand why you accept this sort of treatment and only complain about it- rather than taking positive action on your own behalf.

 

It just seems like there is so much wrong with your relationship and the way that he treats you- so why NOT leave him?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Please continue to post. You are more than welcome. One person's opinion does not constitute fact and if it helps you to talk things out then please continue to do so.

 

Thank you.

[Siriana]

I have a question: what if he's really doing something again with the girl?

What will you do?

 

And I suggested you to go to theraphy alone in one of your previous threads. Have you considered that?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

No, that was not what I meant - I did not understand your decision in continuing to post given your statement that you already know you need to leave, but somehow cannot. Now I understand that you just want to vent (although you asked specifically what we thought of the most recent events, so that was confusing). Venting makes a lot of sense, of course.

 

I see what you mean. I do want to vent but also want to hear what people have to say, too. I welcome the comments and advice and stuff. I don't always follow it (even if I know i should) but it does help to talk it out with other people. (Especially older people who've been there, done that.)

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Kitty,

 

Venting is something that we all need to do- you are no exception and you should continue to feel welcome to do so.

 

I think the consesus is that it is hard to understand why you accept this sort of treatment and only complain about it- rather than taking positive action on your own behalf.

 

It just seems like there is so much wrong with your relationship and the way that he treats you- so why NOT leave him?

 

I understand what you mean. I don't know why I don't. But I think I'm just as bad as he is so I guess someone could say "you two deserve eachother."

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I have a question: what if he's really doing something again with the girl?

What will you do?

 

And I suggested you to go to theraphy alone in one of your previous threads. Have you considered that?

 

I would leave this time. Someone who wants a ton of different girls isn't for me. If he is someone who has made a one-time big mistake the first time because he was dumb enough to cave into peer pressure, then like I've said before, I am giving him a second chance. But if this second scenario also turns out to be true, well not only does it prove that he's a habitual liar and cheater, but also a liar and cheater with a thing for young (as in underage teen) girls. And I will leave. People won't believe me here because I keep staying despite other things, but I have a broke up with men before for cheating (and trying to cheat is the same thing, in my book.). So I definitely would. I would go to therapy alone and it would probably be beneficial. But I can't afford it, so it's out of the question. I'm about to get a semi-decent paying job so I would take it into consideration then.

[Siriana]

How do you plan to check up if something inappropriate is going on?

[southerngirl]

I was 21 years old.

 

Id been with my boyfriend, short-term husband for close to five years. We had a child together, he was 14 months old.

 

Many times my ex had thrown things, broke things, shown me no respect. One day, he turned that violence on me and dislocated my fingers. I left. 2 months later, he held me against my will for close to five hours and beat me. In the end I had bruises all ove rmy body. My son then only about 18 pounds had bruises on his body too from being held too tightly while his father beat me.

 

Is this where you want to see yourself a year from now? Two years from now?

 

I was on the floor praying because I just didnt know how to get out. I saw death before my eyes. He told me god wasnt going to help me. Somehow, I made it out of there alive, and he did go to jail. Eventually court and sentanced to one year in jail for that. He served 9 months in jail, and our marriage was ended in divorce. In fact, I filed for divorce four short months after we married.

 

What is ironic to me is that he didnt actually hit me until we married, all the years before when he threw stuff and pitched temper fits I didnt leave. Oh, I thought about it. One time I did leave but came back within 24 hours.

 

I went home to my parents house where my mother had been abusive, always was.. I didnt want to go back there. I had no money. I had to find work and support myself and my son, while she let us sleep there she certainly wasnt going to support my kid. Thats what she said. I worked. I saved. I was able to move out into my own apartment about a year later. I never went back.

 

I was a single mother for four more years, five in all. Before I married my now husband. He is wonderful. He doesnt yell. He doesnt drink. He has never done drugs. He has never been arrested. He doesnt throw things.

 

I tell you this because I did it. I left. Against all odds Ive made it. Im much happier now, leaving was the best thing I could have done for myself. Now, I look at a future that is just a little brighter.

 

Remember this. You are not your past. You can not change your past. YOu can own the present, and change your future.

 

Now, what are you going to do with your life?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Okay people, if it is indeed cool if I continue posting my complaints, hear this one out:

 

On New Year's eve my best friend came over. We all planned to have fun and drink, because we don't really do that often. Well, needless to say, yesterday I woke up with the most horrific hangover. Headache, nausea, fatigue.. etc. I had brief flashbacks of throwing up on our backsteps and a very vague flashback of my friend and I singing and dancing like fools. Apparently we finished off a half gallon of vodka (with some beers before that, too.) And apparently, I drank more than anyone and didn't stop.

 

Well, I woke up at 10:30am yesterday and went into the living room to get something to drink and some aspirin, and my friend was already awake. She was like, "oh my god, you were crazy drunk, you got so angry and ranting on and on about everything he (my fiance) has done." She went into further detail and explained something had set me off and I started bringing up the whole 14 year old girl situation and threw it in his face, and he tried to say "that's all in the past" and it did nothing but further enrage me. She went on to say that I then started talking about the grocery-store cashiers situation and his rages and etc. She said I got so worked up I kind of ..

 

went off on him and started hitting him, and stuff. She said he kept begging me to stop and she was trying to help because she knew I was beyond-drunk and didn't know what I was doing.

 

And that's scary, to think I have such evil in me. I'm not an abuser, I don't want to abuse him or anyone, the only time I'd try to hit him would be if he was hitting me first or getting in my face and backing me against a wall, or something. Self-defense, that's all. But apparently that night all my anger and pent-up rage spilled out due to the lack of self-inhibition that alcohol causes. What does this mean? Am I a bad person underneath but am good at hiding it, so good that I don't even know it myself??? He brought up all day yesterday how I attacked him several times (he didn't have any bruises or anything like that, nothing broken) and I felt guilty and bad about it. I didn't know what to say really, you can't just say "i'm sorry for attacking you!" and make it alright. So instead I just initiated sex with him three times yesterday although I didn't feel very good. I normally never initiate sex (it's the other way around) so he liked it. He kind of asked me if I was doing this because I felt bad about what happened.

 

Okay, so opinions, everyone's very straight-up, I want some advice, not just to talk it over or vent. What I did was wrong. I know this. I feel guilty about it and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't of been drinking. That's not an excuse though, because a lot of people can get drunk and not become violent. Maybe it's hidden inner nature?? I don't even remember it happening. What should I do?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

How do you plan to check up if something inappropriate is going on?

 

I'm going to question those girls, when he's not around to put them on the spot. I'm going to be nice and friendly, and ask them gently if he's said anything inappropriate or acted towards them in a flirty, come-on sort of way. I am not going to prod or push them or anything, to get answers. Just a direct yet friendly approach. I have a friend who works there and my bestfriend and I went into the store the other day, and I told him to watch out for me. He knows who my fiance is. He promised to keep an eye out.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

That is horrible what happened to you and your son, and it's great that you survived it, became stronger as a result, and married a wonderful man. It's like a lifetime story, struggle & heartache but triumphant at the end. You did the right thing.

 

However in my case; I don't have a child to worry about, just me. And I have said again and again on this site, he would not abuse me. Someone has pointed out elsewhere that just because someone throws fits and breaks things, doesn't mean they'll take it out on a person. It is a generalization to assume that they will, though I'm aware often abusers start out with breaking objects rather than a human's bones. But I know he would not hit me; I know this because I did a horrible thing and hit him when drunk. He didn't do anything back, I know this because a friend was a witness. So I guess now everyone can stop saying he will be a physical abuser because now I've crossed that line and become one. And it makes me sick to think of it, there is no excuse.

[Siriana]

You are too frustrated so all your anger went out under the influence of alcohol.

They say "in vino veritas". So now you can actually see how fed up you are with all this.

 

And you are not going to get a good picture of his behaviour the way you plan to do because you'll be suspicious about things that these girls tell you. The fact is you can't prove his inaproppriate behaviour.

 

And I think that there is possible in USA to find some sort of counseling without paying!It doesn't have to be the most expecive professional.

[Batya33]

I think you should get some professional help or counseling or at least see a religious advisor. Also consider whether you will be comfortable with a lifestyle of constantly checking up on your spouse - particularly if there are children involved down the road.

[southerngirl]

Him breaking things, disrespecting you and acting like a toddler throwing a fit is abuse. He is abusing you.

 

The fact that you got violent with him only shows me that you are very angry. You are so angry that its past the point of return.

 

If it gets violent, which is certainly is, even on one side..... where its now on both sides.................. its time to end the relationship.

 

No, you dont have a child... This is true...

 

Its only you. So even that cant be used as an excuse to stay. You have no children with him so what would be stopping you?

 

What will you do if you did become pregnant ???? You cant possibly want to have children with someone you can not even trust? Its a hard road to be a single mother. I been there and did that.