a little advice needed

[bighair]

Hi Gang -

 

I haven't been on the board for a while. If you guys don't remember, my last dating experience was with the date canceller. That totally sucked. So, I've been back on line and have met some new people. I want to share my experiences with you and would love to hear your thoughts.

 

So, about one month ago, I went out with a man I"ll call Ethan. We met up at a coffee place and we chatted for about an hour. I couldn't tell if we had chemistry although I enjoyed our conversation. It's hard sometimes. But, what struck me was how abruptly our coffee date ended. I took that as a sign of disinterest, and thought "oh well...c'est la vie."

 

A week later, I met another guy I"ll call Jack and we also met up for coffee. I enjoyed talking with him as well. Again, I wasn't sure about the chemistry thing but I was willing to go out w. him again. So, I got an email the next day from Jack saying he enjoyed meeting me. We exchanged a couple of text messages, and he asked me out again. We went out last weekend. Jack is 45, been divorced for 7 years and has a 10 year old son. He sees him every other weekend, and of course, last weekend, when we met up, it was his off weekend. I ended up having a great time with Jack. We met at a nice restaurant in the city, I felt some sparks, we talked for hours and he drove me back to my car....a little out of the way. I was very awkward at the end of our date because I was in the front seat of his car and I didn't kiss him good night because I would have to straddle him to do so. He was taking off his seatbelt and, like a madwoman, I got out of the car. He said he would "definitely be talking to me again." Anyway, feeling like an * * *, I sent him a nice email the next day saying thanks and that I had a good time. He responded in kind, and we have been exchanging emails and texts. He has not asked me out agian. I sent him an email last night, saying hello, and i Haven't heard back. Today, I noticed HE HID HIS ON LINE PROFILE.

 

In the meantime, Ethan called me two weeks after our date to ask if I had would take a walk with him at a local park. I had plans and I turned him down. He is now travelling abroad and called me once more from the airport when he was waiting for his flight to board. We agreed to go out when he returned from his trip.

 

So, I'm worried that Jack is blowing me off. I feel this way because I have been blown off more than once by men even after a good first date, postiive interactions, and great chemistry. I know I can't control this, but I like this man and I'd really like to get to know him better.

 

As far as Ethan, I have to tell you that I didn't like being asked out at the last minute over 2 weeks after our first meeting. AGain, I worry that he is ambivalent about me because of the way he ended our coffee date, and the last minute date request.

 

So, I'm having trouble just taking things as they come during these very early stages of dating. I know I have to chill out and just see what happens. But, I have been disappointed so many times in my dating life.

 

Thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.

[LittleLion24]

From my own personal experience, guys that you meet online through online dating sites are "keeping their options open" and are probably "going out" with many women because they like the thrill and attention etc.

 

It sounds like you met Jack through an online dating site. That's cool if you want to get to know him better but just remember you met him online and thereforeeee, don't get that romantic idea in your head that just because he "hid" his profile that you're the "one." I don't understand why so many of us women take that as a sign! It absolutely means nothing.

 

If you're going to "date" or "go out" whatever you call it with a guy that has a profile on a online dating site then you must keep the facts in mind. He's probably "going out" with many women, and probably has chemistry with many of them like you. However, he is probably unsure of which chemistry he would like to pursue. Now, knowing this you need to stop freaking out and sit back and let him make the next move.

 

Meanwhile, you should be doing exactly what Jack is doing. Find other guys and "go out" for dinner with them. In the early stages of "dating" you need not analyze every action because you'll drive yourself crazy girl!

 

As far as Ethan goes, wait and see how you feel once he returns. Don't put yourself in the position now to make that decision.

 

Go out and have some fun!

[bighair]

Hi, thanks for your response. I did not mean to suggest that I believe jack hid his profile because of his interest in me. In fact, i wonder if he hid his profile so I won't be able to tell when he is on line because he is communicating with more than one person.

 

in the meantime, i do intend on going out with more than one person until i figure out who i'd like to see exclusively.

 

thanks again for your response.

[LittleLion24]

I was just commenting that many women do think that when a guy hides their profile and I wasn't suggesting that was what you were thinking.

 

You're probably right about why he hid his profile but now you know this so don't waste anymore of your time analyzing him.

 

Also, many people hide their profiles because they "freak out" and realize that they really aren't ready to date either. I know this because that is what happened to me. Having my profile up on a dating site was way too much pressure so I took it down and am much happier.

 

Happy hunting.

[annie24]

littlelion said some good things. It is also possible that he hid his online profile because maybe he has started to date another woman more seriously? I remember 2 years ago, I met a guy online for a first date, and we had a nice time, and he asked me out again, once we both got back from winter break. well, when I came back in january, I e-mailed him about our second date, and no response. So, I closed our match after I didn't hear back. He then sent me an e-mail saying that he really enjoyed meeting me, but that he met someone new at a christmas party, and they really hit it off, and that they were going to give things a shot, but he wished me well.

 

Anyways, I've found it's not worth freaking out about guys you've gone out with only once or twice. (I know, I do that too). but, really, it's pointless. we barely know them or what is going on in their lives, the first few dates should be just kind of light and fun. If a guy hasn't contacted you back after you've e-mailed him, then just forget about him.

 

good luck

[Beec]

I like the advice above. When I was dating, I was one of the guys who tried and did date multiple women at any one time. If Iw as totally single, I would go on dates with different women and see how they went. If I wanted to date her again, I did. If not, I didn't. I did adopt a few rules for me to follow, whihc seemed to make sense.

 

1. No sexual activity beyond necking. If sex is involved and you are not exclusive, you are heading for trouble or hurting someone. Many people think that sex indicates being exclusive. Love exception might be by mutual consent. You could be friends and have benefits, but that agreement should be express. And friends with benefits opens a new set of rules up.

2. No more than four dates unless you think you are really interested in more with the person. Tread carefully after the second date.

3. Caller ID is required. You need to know who is calling you.

4. Do not see anyone more than once a week.

5. Keep the people just entering the rotation limited to week nights. You can get in and out of a date on a week night in a short period, with much ado. Weekends require more time, etc. Weekends lead to drinks following dinner.

6. Let the rotation whittle itself down. If you don't want to see a someone, then you know they are not the right one.

[bighair]

Hi Everyone - thanks for your thoughts. by the way, jack just called to say "hello." we're going to go out next week. will keep you posted.

 

Beec - i found your rules intersesting. while i think it's important to date smartly, i wonder if too many rules make the getting to know you process artificial and contrived. for instance, 4 dates? what happens at 4? what if you click at date 6?

 

i see your point re: sexual activity, but i guess it depends on the relationship and the people involved. anyway, this all about individual preferences. so, if this works for you, that's great.

[Beec]

Hi Everyone - thanks for your thoughts. by the way, jack just called to say "hello." we're going to go out next week. will keep you posted.

 

Beec - i found your rules intersesting. while i think it's important to date smartly, i wonder if too many rules make the getting to know you process artificial and contrived. for instance, 4 dates? what happens at 4? what if you click at date 6?

 

i see your point re: sexual activity, but i guess it depends on the relationship and the people involved. anyway, this all about individual preferences. so, if this works for you, that's great.

 

Yes, you need to make your own rules. I read lots of stuff and adapt what I read to suit me. We all should.

 

My four dates rule was all about when I was in and not in a relationship. After the fifth date, most people seemed to feel to me that we were in some relationship. I know one woman who really got ticked off at me when after date five, I did not ask for a sixth. It seemed that once the fifth date occurred, she thought there was an obligation to formally break up. My sex rule comes from the same thing. I did not want to stumble in a relationship or have someone thinking we were in one, when I thought otherwise. These rules seemed to suit that purpose.

 

As far as dapting, I know I would adapt the four date rule if the dates were widely spaced out. If we dated once a month, then I don't think that the rule would fit. But you need to adapt as you see fit.

 

I really do like dating multiple people. It works.