.:nice guys really do finish last:.

[shelaluna]

](*,)

 

So let me lay it out here:

 

I'm a young, smart, outgoing girl, and I've been in love with the perfect man for 7 months. (yep, actually perfect. - a man that opens every door, has manners, good looks, the works!) There's one giant 7 month old problem. This goes back to his ex girlfriend who he dated for 3 years - but admits he only "settled" for her. Well he and I fell in love about 8 months ago, but it became official after a month. I found out that he slept with his ex (apparently no strings attached, some kind of emotion-free sex guys have with exes) the NIGHT before he asked me out. Literally speaking here, he never cheated on me, but I'm still really hurt by this. I've learned to get over that because he said it was nothing, we weren't even dating, he has absolutely no feelings for her (which I now believe), but he ended up getting her pregnant from their little rendez-vous. This has driven me crazy. His ex, Sarah, is one of those stereotypical psycho exes. She has made up lies, and blackmails him to come back to her, but he has never let any of that get to him. She waited until the last possible week to get the abortion, and during the abortion she found out she was supposed to have twins, but only one of them died. So she is currently pregnant with one of the twins. She has messed with our heads before too. About two weeks ago she called my boyfriend and told him that her baby wasn't doing too well, and was going to be a miscarriage, but then two days later - she was miraculously better and everything is going well for the baby. So now I've got a huge weight of guilt when the kid is born that I was happy when it was "dead."

 

I have so many emotions going around right now I don't know how to feel. I'm still angry that he slept with her (although not so much anymore), I'm jealous she gets to have his first baby and I don't, I'm afraid he'll love the baby more than me (which is so extremely selfish, but I still feel it), I'm guilty for hoping it died, I'm hating myself for feeling like all this, I'm hating sarah for stealing what I wanted (to have his first child..), I'm hating her for playing games with our heads, I'm extremely depressed all the time, but I'm espicially angry because she is a spoiled person. Her parents are very wealthy, and her grandparents just gave her their $2 million house to live in, she has dropped out of school but still gets everything handed to her! I'm still in school, my boyfriend has dropped out in order to pay for his own bills and the upcoming baby, he got kicked out of his house and has no home anymore, his parents live in different states, his mom won't give him any child support, nothing seems to be going right for us.

 

We are so in love breaking up is NOT an option. I don't know how to feel - it's really frustrating. I'll never leave him because of this, I just don't want to fall under the typical "separated parent lifestyle" for his baby (b/w him and sarah). I'm just so confuzed and bottled up I don't know what to do. When I tell him how I feel he gets sad and thinks he's worthless for making me feel this way (but he doesn't make me feel bad at all! he makes me feel loved!), but I'm scared what will happen if I keep everything bottled up. I can't take it out on anything. It's really stressing me out to see my one true love have a baby with a hated ex. It's really taking a toll on my heath too. I just don't know what to do. I feel like any babies I'll have with him in the future will be second rate...old hat... you know, just, not as good. I guess nice guys really do finish last...

 

ps-that was the abridged version...

 

ANY ADVICE WOULD BE APPRECIATED!!!!

[Confused_kelly]

Oh my god, Im actually going thorugh something similar. Although eh didnt cheat on me, I still feel betrayed. I dont know how much help I can be, but the people who have responded to my thread really are, so the thread is called babies and exes or the other way around. You should read it.

[Momene]

In both your cases, the baby could be a dealbreaker. It may not be nice to hear but it's something you may need to accept. There will be part of his life that you will not be involved in and, yes, the child will compete with you and any children you may have for attention.

 

I really wish I could tell you it will be alright but I can't.

[Day_Walker]

You have already decided what you are going to do in this situation. All I can say is that if you still want to be with this guy then having these feelings arent going to make your life any easier. Life doesnt ever work out like we plan it, so realize that you dont have control over who he has a child with and learn to accept that.

[Confused_kelly]

Thats whats killing me too. Even more so because I was pregnant, and Iwill get to see him be a father, to another baby...

 

We had everything planned out, this killed the joy. He actually used to live with her, so I thought well, getting married wont be a huge thing since he had lived with her, but I thought well at we can have something between each other he hasnt had with anyone else, babies, and now, I feel I cant offer anything new to him, we wont have something of our own.

[shes2smart]

That's quite a situation you're in.

 

If you can't/won't entertain the idea of breaking up with him, then I'd suggest you get a few sessions with a counselor set up for yourself.

 

If Sarah's pregnancy goes to term, this is going to be something he will be dealing with for the rest of his life, and something you will need to deal with as long as you are with him. Is he planning on being an "active dad" or just a "pay the child support dad"? If he's planning on being an "active dad", are you going to be able to treat that child well when s/he is visiting or staying with his/her father? Are you going to be able to manage at least a polite and civil relationship with Sarah? If he's going to be an "active dad", he is going to have to interact with her regarding the child and if you are around, you may have to interact with her too. What about custody/support issues? How are you going to deal with those items IF there winds up being some sort of legal fight?

 

You are right in that you cannot keep this bottled up. If you do, it is likely to explode out at an inopportune moment. Discussing your situation with a counselor will help you prevent that from happening and help you evaluate your options.

 

These are very difficult issues to deal with, and that may mean it comes down to a difficult decision for you. I understand you love him...but can you also come to love his baggage? If you can't (and frankly, it's perfectly understandable if you can't), then you'd probably be doing all the parties concerned a favor to bow out...and sooner rather than later.

 

IMO, both you and he are too close to the situation to be objective about it. I think would benefit you to look into a few counseling sessions. You might also want to consider going to a session or two with him, as well. If you want to try to stay together, I think that would be your best option for doing so. Otherwise, there are too many issues that could cause brewing resentment and stress that will potentially sour the relationship.

[shes2smart]

One other thought....while chances are if she goes to term, the baby will be fine....but what if s/he is not? What if the child is born with medical issues or developmental issues? It is tough enough for people to deal with those sorts of things when it's their own child...let alone a child that isn't biologically theirs. Are you up to dealing with that possibility?

[scared12]

i'm in same situation as you, my thread is called bf ex is pregnant you can check it.it is funny how i feel now, as 2 days ago i found out about her being pregnant. i'm sure that he is the one, and i don't want to let him go, he hate his ex and i really feel that he loves me, but there are thousand questions that are going trought my mind now. why something like this happens to two people that are in love...

it is not easy at all to deal with this, no one can tell you the real solution but important is that you are not alone in it. and here you can find lots of people that understand you, that makes it easier in some way. at least for me. good luck

[shelaluna]

shes2smart: i've actually thought that one over. i know i would be 100% supportive if he is an "active dad" and the child has problems, but i know i would resent her all the more for it. I also know that I would love the baby because its a part of him, but neither of us are READY to be parents (not biologically in my case..) I've actually recenlty talked to him about going to counselling. He thinks it's a good idea so thanks for the advice!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well...I was getting funky with more than one person in the week before my boyfriend and I got together.

 

I promise you, it meant nothing, and probably you can believe him when he says the same thing about his ex.

 

As for her behaviour since then...very very tough. I have nothing/no experience there.

[Batya33]

Breaking up is an option despite how in love you are. Love is really not enough - you have to look at the practicalities. Will you be happy being a stepmother, dating a single father, dating a single father who chooses not to support his child (if indeed that occurs) and ok with him having this huge responsibility and priority toward this woman? He chose to have sex and someone who chooses to have sex chooses to risk pregnancy every single time unless the woman or man is 100% sterile, which is rare. Unfortunately his choice didn't pan out. I am not saying not to love him - of course not - but that is not the same as whether this is someone who would make a suitable partner for you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

are you sure his ex is really pregnant... her stories sound whacko to me... wait til the paternity test before you make a decision...