Babies and exes

[Confused_kelly]

Ok , Before I tell you my problem I have to do a little recap. My current boyfriend and I met 9 years ago. We dated for 5 years, then we both kind of drifted apart, started talking to other people so we broke up. During the remaining 4 years we both had serious relationships. We got together again maybe 10 months ago, and we discovered how much we really love each other and how we never really got over it. We didnt do anything about it because we were both still in our relationships. We each left our partners that was 4 months ago.

 

His ex moved to the US, in october I found out I was pregnant, when I was on my two months(november) my bf received a call from his ex, she was 6 months pregnant. Between that and the stress from my classes ta college I lost my babies(they were twins). It really has affected me a lot. The problem is we got engaged yesterday, but I really feel awful about him having a baby with the ex. I mean she still wants him back, and I know he needs me to be supportive, but its really hard to be supportive about him having a baby with another woman because I feel like its a reminder of my loss, Ive cried my eyes out about this.

 

There are some selfish thoughts too, I mean he is the love of my life, so its not easy seeing him have a baby with someone else. If maybe he had already had the child when we reunited thigs wouyld be different. But they are not. I feel its not fair. That baby is going to be his first,it may sound stupid but I feel now that mine , when we have them, wont be as special. I also fear her using the baby to make him feel guilty. Im so deppressed about the situation I dont sleep, I cant see babies, or kids or pregnant woman, not even pregnancy tests commercials without getting angry at him. I dont know what to do or if Ill feel better about this at some point.

[Momene]

Quite honestly, I doubt if he will see much of his child with his ex being in another country. What I don't doubt is that he will sometimes be torn between split loyalties. Your future babies with him will be special.

[valenski]

Its ok to be jealous but habouring such negative emotions can be really unhealthy especially for your child, let go of your anger, whats done is done. The sooner you put aside your insecurities, the sooner you can begin to enjoy life's blessings.

[Confused_kelly]

Im actually not pregnant anymore, thats why I feel so awful. I really feel helpless. I dont sleep very much because I wake up with this weird feeling, like a pressure on my chest from thinkinhg about that. He says I have nothing to worry about, but still it kills me he wants me to be happy about a baby thats not mine when I lost mines so recently. Another thing is she hates me, she is being really nice about everything making me look like the paranoid one, even telling him she doesnt want child support. But I thinks thats dangerous because what happens if she gets mad and decided oh now I want child support for all those years you didnt give it to me?

 

Another fear is that she is going to move back here. My boyfriend wants to get married in december. Now my family thinks we have been together a bit longer because even though he had his gf he came over, so now with this, it's going to seem to them like he cheated on me beause of the time frame, and Im so humiliated by what they might thought. Ive always worked very hard to get the life I want and I feel he has ruined so much sacrificies with this. To top it I tried talking to him about it. He was very supportive the first 2 times, but this third time he got mad saying how I cant let it go and he cant do anythng about it.

 

Its just not easy.

[Momene]

Why do you have to lie about how long you've been together?

 

It's caused more problems than it's solved. I was with my ex wife for nearly 3 years before we got married and it still failed.

[ImThatGirl]

Ive always worked very hard to get the life I want and I feel he has ruined so much sacrificies with this. To top it I tried talking to him about it. He was very supportive the first 2 times, but this third time he got mad saying how I cant let it go and he cant do anythng about it.

 

Its just not easy.

 

First off, I am very sorry to hear about your babies! I can't imagine the pain you must feel and then to be combined with him having a baby on the way!

 

I can relate to some of your emotions except the fact that you lost your own babies.

 

My boyfriend's ex is pregnant. Actually, she will be induced in 4 days. I wasn't aware of the pregnancy until a couple months into our relationship.

 

When first notified, I thought "Can I really support him when he's not supporting her?" He assured me I had no reason to worry that he'd work things out with her but I felt terrible.

And then acceptance. I determined there's a reason I'm in this situation. I'd continue to date him and help him through this.

Then Panic. What if he did decide to get back with her?

Jealousy - He's having a child with someone else?

Those to combined = selfishness. When would "I" get to spend time with he and his baby. How often would he spend time with her? What if he changes his mind closer to the due date or after the baby is born?

 

The wonderful people here helped me to realize that basically, this is not about me. Since then, I've been pretty balanced without worry. Once his baby is born, I know he'll probably have visitation at her place. She doesn't know about me now and I doubt she'll know about me at any point in the near future. The only thing that matters to me is that his child has two parents that can co-parent without any tension and drama.

 

Their baby is going to be born in 4 days. I thought for sure I'd be a mess as the time arrived. I feel confident due to his reassurance that everything may be okay. I've stepped back a bit. I will not be an added pressure during a time that he needs as little pressure as possible.

 

I think you need to (if possible) step outside of the box a bit or take some time to think this through. Your comment about "his ruining" what you've worked so hard for makes it seem as though you are feeling like he's ruining your life. I can understand that. But somehow, you need to determine if you can accept this life with him having a child by her. You will have to take a step back and will possibly feel like you are on the backburner as he copes with becoming a father. But it sounds like he's doing plenty to reassure you - he's going to marry "you" not "her." This may very well be one of the most difficult things you've ever went through. But you must support him if you want to be with him.

 

Hugs!

 

Sorry this ended up being so long! I'm here if you'd like to talk!

[rocio]

First, I want to say how very sorry I am that you had to go through this. I can't even imagine how painful it must all be. You are much stronger that I would be.

 

You negative feelings are normal - even healthy to a certain degree. But there is really no way to know why you lost your babies. I think you have a 25% chance of miscarriage in the first trimester. (That's what my sister told me, and this website seems to verify those figures:

link removed )

 

Usually it's because they weren't healthy enough to survive. It's nature's (very cruel) way of ensuring you get a strong baby. So try not to blame yourself or your fiance.

 

Have you talked to him about the way you're feeling?

[Confused_kelly]

Thank you so much to everyone. I really nee reassurance everyday . Its the only way Im coping with this. I have talked to him about how hurt I feel , although I have not found the way to tell him how I feel about the loss of my babies and this. I;m afraid to open up that can of worms, Ive been stuffing it inside to "lessen" the pain. This was supposed to be the best christmas in a long time and it has turned out to be a disaster.I dont know why, but I feel like he chose her baby over mine, even though he had nothing to do with the miscarriage, its just the way it feels.

 

Because im off of college because of the holidays I have way too much time in my hands to think about this. That makes it worse. Dont know if I should talk to him about it on this time I dont want to fight.

 

My fear is Im getting a bit depressed, clinically I mean, and I have seen some sogns of anxiety as well. The only thing that makes me feel better is the engagement and the positive things Ive read, I thinkI do need to realize its not about me, but I dont know how.

 

One things that worsens the situation is no one knows, not my friends , not my family.

[Confused_kelly]

First, I want to say how very sorry I am that you had to go through this. I can't even imagine how painful it must all be. You are much stronger that I would be.

 

You negative feelings are normal - even healthy to a certain degree. But there is really no way to know why you lost your babies. I think you have a 25% chance of miscarriage in the first trimester. (That's what my sister told me, and this website seems to verify those figures:

link removed )

 

Usually it's because they weren't healthy enough to survive. It's nature's (very cruel) way of ensuring you get a strong baby. So try not to blame yourself or your fiance.

 

Have you talked to him about the way you're feeling?

 

 

 

One of the reasons I feel so bad, its my dr told me I had to be on bed rest. I did rest but not like he told me to, because of college, I am in my last year and have some very important classes, also no one in my family knew, so it would have seem weird me ona bed all day. I partly feel guilty for that. I do admit it was not the time to have a baby, but I got used to the idea.

[shelaluna]

I have the exact problem! All I can do is try and deal with it. There's nothing really to do but sit on my hands and wait. It really sucks and accepting this is something that must be done. I haven't yet come 'round to accepting it, but there's no other choice really is there? I'm really sorry about your situation, I know how you feel right now. If you need to vent about anything I'm here to listen.

 

[shelaluna]

its actually extremely weird how we both posted each others threads at the same time unknowingly.... weird. I was just browsing through and thought your thread would help. which, it did its good just knowing theres other people that feel the same.

[Confused_kelly]

Thats the thing. He tells me he has no other way around it and that he has accepted it so I should to. But I feel its not quite that easy for me. You see, he got himself into this, its his baby, so of course he has no other option, but its another story for the people you drag into the situation. I idnt get anyone pregnant. Im not pregnant either, so its difficult to accpet a consequnce of somebody elses actions.. My biggest fear is that I will not be able to stomach it. I cant even say the ex's name let alone her name and the phrase your baby along with it.

[Confused_kelly]

He also feels like I should understand becuase I come from divorced parents, but again I didnt brought that situation on myself. Its quitedifferent. I do eel bad about not having remorse for the baby. I mean its not going to be the first or last baby brought to this world without married parents, or parents in a relationship

[Confused_kelly]

I have the exact problem! All I can do is try and deal with it. There's nothing really to do but sit on my hands and wait. It really sucks and accepting this is something that must be done. I haven't yet come 'round to accepting it, but there's no other choice really is there? I'm really sorry about your situation, I know how you feel right now. If you need to vent about anything I'm here to listen.

 

 

 

 

Same here, I know it sucks when you want to talk about something and theres no one to talk to. So if you ever want to talk, just do it, Im here, lets see if we can both get thorugh this.

 

I wanted to know, how far along is she? I dont know if you posted it but I dont seem to remember.

[ImThatGirl]

My main question is: Is it worth it?

 

When we love someone, we must love them unconditionally. He's right - he's accepted it; he has to. You don't have to but do you want to? Do you want to accept it and work on a relationship with him?

 

Or would you rather not accept it and let him go?

 

Either way, he has to step up to the plate and it will be best if he can do it without any animosity.

 

I know how hard this is to stomach. It is effecting your daily life. I can tell you that true acceptance and allowance for him to participate in his childs life will be a relief....

[Confused_kelly]

I'm that girl, I agree with you. We have been through so much to be together and its just so hard. She wants him back, she is even telling him she wants him in the life of the baby but she doesnt want him to pay child support, and Im really sure she will be singing another tune when she finds out we are getting married. At some levels Im still insecure, I mean she is going to make him feel guilty about the baby, and my bf is a really nice guy who hates to hurt people's feelings and Im afraid she will manipulate him, even though eh as assured me there is nothing to worry about.

 

It's like I said, I found out I was pregnant and I prepared myself to see him as a father for the first time, then I find out about her and two weeks later a miscarriage, now I will still see him as a father, but with another woman's baby, is the reminder of what I was going to have. I dont know if you understand I just dont feel special to him now.

 

I want him in the baby's life, no doubt about it, but I dont want it to be about her. She moved to the US, but something tells me she may think about moving back here.

 

I need totalk about this like Im doing to get it out, because I still havent told family or friends I feel really alone in this. I cant talk about it with my bf because I bawl like a baby.

 

I know I have to accept it I just dont know how to go about that

[ImThatGirl]

You are doing the right thing by talking it out. I'm sorry if I came accross as insensitive in my last post. I do understand how you feel about her having his baby. That was something that momentarily, you had. I'm sure you had it all planned out and was ecstatic. The fact that you are still healing from your loss just magnifies the insecurity and worries you are having.

 

For a couple of months, I was concerned that my bf would go back to his ex. Even though he reassured me he would not, I thought "heh, he doesn't know what his emotions will be like once his child is born. He can't say what he will do or will not do." I finally came to terms with the situation. I figure, yes, it is a risk for me. But I do believe him.

 

You fiance is doing so much to reassure you. He could marry you today and you would still be worried which I believe is completely normal.

 

Do you think that realistically it is a huge possibility he will want to work things out with her? Is it just the anxiety of the situation or do you think it's truly a possibility?

 

I can relate, trust me. My bf's ex doesn't know about me at all. She lives in another town and he rarely see's her. But still, I think she's holding onto the hope that they will get back together. Rather than focusing on the worry that since she doesn't know about me and is hoping they will get back together, I focus on what it is like for her in this situation and again - hoping and praying that thye can both come to terms and co-parent in a healthy manner. I don't know, somehow, I finally just made myself separate from the situation. It wasn't easy but I am very glad I did. I thought for sure I'd be an anxious mess closer to the due date. His baby will be born this Thursday. I will not worry. He will go and be with her as he should. I wouldn't want it any other way. In time, we'll see how it all rolls out....

[Confused_kelly]

Dont worry , you didnt come off as insensitive. I understand what I must do, but emotions dont get logic, I dont think he has feelings for her, but like you sadi I fear of what he might feel once he sees his baby. Im scared for when the times comes for me to see him or her, I dotn know what it is I cant bear to ask, because I fear its exactly what I didnt want it to be. I was hoping it would be a boy ( I always wanted girls and my bf too), so it would be a bit easier because I would feel hey, we still can have the girl we wanted, but something tells me its a girl, so it just keeps getting worse.

 

His ex knows about me, obviuolsy because I was an ex of him, and I do try to put myself in her position, but easier said than done.

 

Sorry if this question seems to personal, Ill understand if you dont want to answer, but why doesnt she know about you?

[ImThatGirl]

I have that same fear, I think. He doesn't have any children yet. He can't begin to imagine what it will be like to hold his own child in his hands. That's the risk factor. I know that once his baby is born, everything may change. But I believe that it won't change.

 

You know, I probably wouldn't have dated him had I known earlier. I don't know how he'll balance everything. I just have to remember that his child is number one in his life and that in time, being in a relationship at the same time may not work well. So I'm here for him, with him, and knowing that I'll be okay either way. (Which is very hard to get to - that I'll be okay either way.)

 

His ex doesn't know about me for a few reasons.

I don't think it's necessary for her to know about me. I won't be spending any time with their daughter for awhile. I just think her knowing about me is cause for undue stress.

She lives out of town. She really doesn't contact him very much. Once a month or so.

He is a very nonconfrontational type of person. He doesn't see the point in announcing "I have a girlfriend" at this point.

 

Now - for a few days or so, I was thinking along the lines of "She should know about me; why are you keeping me a secret; what are you hiding from me?" We've kind of just continued on with our lives, not allowing this to cause for lots of tension or stress.

[Confused_kelly]

Well I admire you, I really do, I dont see myself getting to that point, meaning being ok with the fact thing wont work out. I love him so much, we've known each other for 9 years, 5 of those as a couple. He wants to get married in december next year but I fear he will back out. Im full of fears, did you do something? said something to yourself to get where you are at this moment?

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you... I kind of feel like I should have stepped completely out of the picture so he could have time to take everything in and adjust. Instead, I decided to be here to support him and see how it works out.

 

I do care about him deeply but do not have as much time or memories with him as you do your fiance. Overall, I want him to be well balanced and create a good life for his child. His child will need him more than I do.

 

I don't know how I got to this point really. I had days of constant anxiety over the situation. Days that I thought I'd rather walk away than take chances with him. The fears, anxiety, worries were terrible and constant. Somehow, after much of it and lots of talking, I just finally stopped letting it consume me.

[Confused_kelly]

Personally I get by sometimes thinking, hey you know what this happens everyday. I dont believe in people being together as a couple just for children. Childre grow up and go away leaving you in an unhappy relationship. I know he doesnt love her, but he doesnt hate her either.

 

But she really does hate me.

 

I guess I just have to wait and see, I thought planning the wedding might get things off my mind, but Im so paranoid, that I thought, well what if I plan the wedding and then it doesnt happen. Its going to be worse, I think I need professional help for this. At least now can sleep through the night almost all night, there are still the occasions where I cant.

 

 

I dont think you should have stepped out completely, if he wants you by his side , why should you?

 

He can be a father an a boyfriend, thats what I have to say to myself too I guess. Mine wont be there when she gives birth,like I said she is in another country. But she will come here eventually to stay with family in what I hope is just a vacation to visit. If she were to decide to movehere again I dont know what I would do.

 

Let me know how things work out when he has his baby.

[Confused_kelly]

I know you boyfriend's baby was due I think today or close?

 

Just wanted to know how was everything and how are you doing with it

[ImThatGirl]

Hey, Kelly! Thank you for checking in. Sorry I didn't respond yesterday!

 

I started responding a couple of times and then had to step away from the computer.

 

I agree that co-parenting can be better than two parents staying together and fighting or not being happy too.

 

Are you feeling any better? I was very anxious off and on in the past few months. Like I said, somehow, calmness just overcame me. I focus on knowing that I will be okay with or without him. I hope it works out but know in my heart if it doesn't, I'll be okay.

 

His ex went into labor yesterday and his daughter was born last night. He bowled b4 going to the hospital and arrived 37 minutes before she was born. He sent a couple text msgs and updates.. He called to ask if he could stay at my house after he left the hospital. And said he'd like to stay tonight too.

 

I really just don't know what to think. I'm here to support him. Like I said I'd be. I have no fear of him deciding to get back with her. But still... I'm a little uncomfortable with the situation, you know?

[Confused_kelly]

Yes, I can imagine, one can feel a bit like piece that doesnt belong in the puzzle, but Im sure it will pass, like everything with time.

 

Im doing better, I told my boyfriend I decided that it would be best if he doesnt tell her about the engagement for now. I think she still has 2 or 3 months to go, so better leaver her alone with that she must have enough stress as it is. They dont talk often, I think once a week sometimes once very two weeks. Im still anxious and insecure. If I lose him, it 's not the same, not saying you wouldnt be hurting if it happneed to you, I just mean that I really feel this is the love of my life. It would be devastating. Nine years fighting to just end its not easy.

 

 

I found the courage to talk to him about it and tell him that he doesnt have to hide things from me anymore because he thinks I will get mad. He is trying , but I still feel he lefts some stuff out to be considerate of the fact he knows I cringe everytime I hear about it, but I mean I have to adapt somehow. I just wish we could get to a point where he is comfortable enough and me too of course to talk about it without the weird feeling

 

Its even awkward for us to be watching television and a pregnancy test commercial shows up, or a program about babies, or giving birth, really uncomfortable because he knows I feel bad.

 

I know he thinks he is doing good by not talking to me about it, but I dont think its the best way. I wont say anymore until after new years because I want to try to be happy at lest whats left of the year.

 

 

I dont think you have much to worry about., you seem to be in the right place mentally and emotionally, where I hope to be . Him staying with you says a lot. He doesnt want you to feel like he is going to forget about you, so I think thats sweet. Hope everything goes great and please keep me updated as I know this will help me and other people going through this.