Babies and exes

[Confused_kelly]

Its official now, I found out today its a girl I was so hoping for a boy, but no, its a girl, I cried so much today because of that. Even more so because I found out accidentally I wasnt prepared to know yet, even less prepared if it was a girl. Now he will have the girl he always wanted, but not with me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

hey, i know this is upsetting for you, but people usually have more than one child, and love all their children, girls or boys, so this is not going to be his only child, he'll have some with you and love them just as much...

 

and tons of people have stepchildren and children with more than one person, so this is something people deal with all the time, and don't take as a tragedy...

 

i think you are very hung up on the idea of a single, perfect marriage, no other complications or children from elsewhere... i'm not criticizing your feeling about that, but you are getting worked up about something that is very common these days, and you really need to decide whether marrying this person, and accepting his child from a previous relationship, is something you can do or not... you have to truly accept this, and this child, into your life and marriage, or both you and he will end up bitter and most likely break up.

 

if you are going to resent this child, or be angry with him, or feel sorry for yourself because you don't have your dream relationship/situation, then you need to seriously consider getting some family counseling right now before you marry...

 

i know this is hard for you, but you need to accept this is how it is with him, or find someone else who doesn't have children with other people if you can't take it this situation and it upsets you too much... that little girl is going to need everybody's love after she is born, and not a stepmother who resents her or sees her as someone who destroyed someone else's dream family...

 

best of luck, please try to put this into perspective and decide whether your idea of a dream family is more important to you than the particular person you want to marry... if you can't accept this little girl into your home and heart, then you shouldn't marry her father, they're a package deal now, no matter how hard that is to accept...

[Confused_kelly]

I am beginning to understand that, and I love my fiancee very much and I know he loves me too, I have been thinking a lot and Ive come to the conclusion that yes it hurts me about the baby, but I discovered that I can be ok with that with time and that the bigger problem is the fact that Im scared he is goign to leave once she has the baby, he says no, but what does he know? He's never had a baby, its his first child, emotions are powerful, and Im scared to lose him again.

 

She wants him back, and now she will have his little girl, and I have no doubt she is going to milk that as much as she can to guilt him.

 

Because of that I decided to get counseling, this week I started to llok for places where I can go.

[ImThatGirl]

Kelly -- - -- - -- -- -- How are you doing?

[Confused_kelly]

Thanks for asking, sorry Ive been kind of disconnected I have been concentrating on my studies. Im doing much better, he finally got the guts to share something with me, he told me he asked for a dna test, that was almost a month ago, she refuses to do it. I found out it was a girl accidentally because I was not prepared to know , he doesnt know that I know. Now what he does know is that a gilr would crush me a lot more, and Ive noticed when we talk about that he talks in a way that hints its a boy and not a girl, so I dont know how to look at this, it either is incredibly sweet that he is trying to not hurt me, or incredibly stupid that he thinks that he is protecting me by misleading, I cant call it lying because its just hints and I have told him I dont want to know, so its either one of those or its just a combination of sweet and stupid.

 

Im keeping busy with the wedding and my studies, still have the ocasional flashback now and then, that I must Must learn how to control because I get a bit out of hand and I dont tell him why Im acting the way I am , so he is being incredibly patient with me. I m ready to get help but so scared at the same time.

 

How are you doing? and how are things on your end?

[Confused_kelly]

Today Im having one of those doubts day. A lot goes through my mind on a day like today.Yesterday went to eat with his grandmother and his father to tell him the news about the wedding they were the only ones left to tell, and it was a great dinner.

They were both very happy, his grandmother even cried, I was so happy with everything and then, his gradmother said how she was so relieved he didnt stay with the ex who no one got along with because she dreaded he would have kids with her and how much happy she was that her great gandkids were coming from me.

 

My whole face changed, I had to hold back the tears , the anger, the disappointment, all this feeling that came like a wave crashing. I doubt they noticed the change, but my boyfriend did.

 

Because of that Im having the doubt day today.

 

So many uncertain things, so many feelings unresolved from my part. He feels that I should be over it by now and thinks I should get help. I know I cant expect him to be patient forever, but I didnt expect his reaction either, he said we have been thorugh this a thousand times and everytime we finish with me saying how Ill work on it and that now when this happens he will just give me my space but wont talk about it again.

 

Is that insensitive of him? or did I just stretch the situation too much?

 

I cant help how I feel , its so weird, one day Im ok, the next Im full of fear and hurt.

[Confused_kelly]

Update.

 

We are kind of on a break, she came sunday he saw her monday, but didnt tell me anything about it. I knew he was covering something, because is so easy to tell with him and he finally told me: "she flew in sunday and appeared here with her brother and parents so we talked"

 

Because he lied and I had to drag the truth out of him, I told him I need time to think because I cant accept and respect something when you dont respect our relationship. I told him he needed to think things too, he says he doesnt have anything to think about because he wants to be with me, I made it clear then that it wasnt about thinking about who he wants to be with it was about thinking if he is able to handle both things. To fulfill his responsabilities without putting me aside. If he is capable of telling the truth.

 

 

Im calm, its not merely in his hands, I have to think a lot too because if this is a sign of things to come I wont marry him.

 

She leaves again today, apparently from what his mom told me, she is HUGE, about to pop, so she has to go back quickly.

 

Was I too rough?

[BellaDonna]

Hi. I don't think you were too rough.

 

He lied to you. That's pretty serious in my book.

 

Since they are going to have a child in common that they will need to parent- you must expect them to be in contact and cordial to one another to some degree. But when he sees her he should not lie about it to you. That turns it into something to be concerned about.

 

Think long and hard about this. It's your life and you do not have to settle for less. There are many men out there who are not in this situation and who would make you #1 and also not lie to you.

 

BellaDonna

[ImThatGirl]

I told him he needed to think things too, he says he doesnt have anything to think about because he wants to be with me, I made it clear then that it wasnt about thinking about who he wants to be with it was about thinking if he is able to handle both things.

 

That was one of my worries as well when my ex's ex was pregnant. Specifically: Is it even realistic to believe or fair to expect that he will be able to meet the needs of his daughter, dealing with his ex, and having a girlfriend at the same time? That was my main concern. I wasn't exactly comfortable with even allowing him to try.

 

I want you to keep a few things in mind.... I am worried about you!

 

He has to be honest with you. You have accepted him unconditionally. At the very least, he must at least be honest with you!

 

Communication - I'm concerned about what he said about from this point on he'll offer you space but won't talk to you about it? Without communication, you will never be happy. That little reassurance he can offer may seem repetitive to him but that is what you need and I think he should offer it.

 

What are your thoughts on the marriage at this time? I know each of our situations have differences. But I'm wondering if you may consider pushing the wedding back a bit? As you said, we can't even come close to predicting our emotions for certain circumstances. Who knows, maybe he will be unable to meet your needs or maybe you will decide you want more than what he has to offer after experiencing what it will be like.

 

Just some thoughts to ponder..... I'll check in again today!

 

Hugs~

[Confused_kelly]

Thank you so much for checking in, we are going to talk again today, one of the problems I have, because I cant pretend I dont bring anything to this is when I talk about the situation I do it in a way that makes me sound resentful, I get really mad and I suddenly throw every other thing hes done to his face, stuff from the past , and thats why he says he cant talk to me like that, Ill give him that one. I act quite unreasonable, Im ashamed to admit I even push the whole Im breaking up with you because of the baby, almost twice a month so Im partly to blame for him not wanting to deal with it.

 

 

I push his buttons I know, still I deserve his understanding. I know I have to stop reacting the way I am. If he would have told me without lying about her coming here, honest to God, Yes I would have been very mad, I make the situation a no win-no win for him because in a way its my way of "grounding" him for lack of a better word.

 

Because Ive realized this I start therapy next week, we are talking today, once I start modifications if he doesnt want to reassure me then its done.

 

She is definitely not moving back, he talked to me yesterday about how he wanted me to see this as me gainin a stepdaughter and he told me he fears Im going to hate the child, how he needs to be able to talk to me about it, but in a calm way without tantrums, fights or sarcasm from my part.

 

I realize this is just too delicate, and I cant deal with it alone.

 

when I talk to him tonight ill let you know what happened.

[Confused_kelly]

That is exactly the problem, I havent really done that. I have not accepted this, thats why he gets frustrated, we talk about it I say I will deal with it, a week later we are having the same conversation on how I hate him for it and cant deal with it, that conversation ends in the same note with me saying Ill accept, and is a cycle. I really have a problem with this. He trieds to be honest with me about it and I get mad because hes talking to me about her, and because he talks to me about it must mean he is thinking about getting back with her etc. Im am mess!! Im really ashamed by my behaviour but I dont know what gets into me.

[Confused_kelly]

I talked with him and with his mom. He didnt know she was here, apparently she was here since the 14th(wednesday) but she popped up at his house on monday with her brother and father, without calling first, thank god I wasnt there. He told me that he saw how depressed I got Sunday when we ate with his grandmother and dad, so when he saw her monday he decided it was best not to tell me.

 

His attitude towards the pregnancy has changed since he saw her, now he sems excited about it, and now it hurts more. I was at his house and I was going to wash a glass I was going to use and there it was, on the side of the refrigerator was a frame with a 3d ultrasound of the baby, I literally dropped the glass and went directly to the bathroom feeling nauseous

 

I kept telling myself "its his daughter, theres nothing wrong with that, it has nothing to do with the ex, its just his daughter", but to be honest I feel like the pregnancy and his sudden excitement is being cruelly paraded in front of my face. I feel like they are rubbing it in, when I still havent healed about my babies.

 

I know its not like that but that is how it feels. I cant ask him to take it down or put it somewhere out of sight because I fear he will think I despise the baby. I just cant take that.

 

 

I know people get married or have relationships with people with children, and its normal. But is the circumstances. If when we started talking, he would have told me I have a daughter, thats whatever years old, I wouldnt have a problem. Its the whole I was already with him when we found out, and I was also pregnant. Its not the same.

 

I see him happy and it crushes me, because he's not happy because of my babies, but because of her baby. I dont know how I am going to stand seeing him happy and experiencing fatherhood without me. I feel out of his life, like I dont have a part in all of this, Im just something thats there, but doesnt add anything.

 

I love him I really do and so much, and he does his best I know that, but its not enough. Still I cant imagine leaving him just because of that. I mean if he was cheating, or abusing me I would leave, but because of a baby I cant deal with , doesnt seem reasonable.

 

I have so many fears, what if we get married and with time the kid grows and hates me, or turns out to be one of those manipulative kids, who will try to ruin my marriage?

 

My pregnancy was an accident, it was not the moment, but I find myself wishing to get pregnant again, when I know we are not in the best situation right now because I m not working.

 

 

I told him a few months I didnt want her to know about the wedding for now, now I asked him if she knows he said no, he didnt think it was the time and I got mad, I dont understand myself.

[Confused_kelly]

I went to stay at my fiancee's house over the weekend and the frame with the ultrasound is not there anymore, I never told him anything about it and I made sure he didnt see me when I went to the bathroom crying the time I did saw it, so Im really curious as to why is it not there anymore.

 

 

I actually have to confess I was snooping a bit to see if he put it in a drawer or something and nothing, no trace.