Babies and exes

[ImThatGirl]

You said it perfectly. That the piece of the puzzle doesn't fit. I really feel like we have puzzle pieces from two different puzzles.

 

I can understand how you would be devastated if your relationship ended. I can understand why you hold on and completely understand your worries and anxieties.

 

J used to not talk to me about things because he was worried it would cause me to worry or be upset. He finally realized that yes, I can handle hearing about phone calls, etc. That helped alot. I hope it will help your relationship for both of you to be able to communicate as necessary. I'm proud of you too for suggesting not telling her about your engagement. I think that would be undue stress for her and also cause for her to "react" and try harder to get him back. Something none of you want right now.

 

I'm thankful that J's ex doesn't know about me. I can imagine how awkward it must have been there last night. Had she known about me, it's possible she wouldn't have allowed him to be there at all. Sigh..... This is going to be a long road maybe. Or maybe not. I think I mentioned before, I had promised I'd be here for him and glad I made it this far. The rest is yet to come. Not sure what direction we'll go in.

 

Thank you for talking with me about all of this!

[Confused_kelly]

You are more than welcone and I should be the one giving thanks. I think talking with people who know the situation is very helpful. I can say it has helped me a lot.

 

I hope you continue to update me on how you feel or what happens. I think we can both learn a lot from this.

[ImThatGirl]

Hey there - I just want to give you a little update on how I'm feeling.

 

I always knew I'd take the sidelines when his daughter was born. And I am okay with that.

I also knew that being his girlfriend while he had a baby with someone else would be weird.

Now I'm strongly feeling like - "Wait! He just had a baby with another girl. He needs to be there with the baby. I do not need/want to be a part of this equation." It just doesn't all go together....? It's not jealousy or anxiety speaking here. The puzzles just don't fit together (for me.) I know if I want it bad enough, we can make it work. But I'm not sure I do want it bad enough. I'm going to get through the holidays and his time of adjusting to being a father (a couple weeks anyway) and determine how to proceed.

 

Just wanted to give you a heads up.

 

Hugs to you!

[scared12]

yesterday i found this site and wrote about my problem which is similar. I'mThatgirl helped me a lot.

my bf ex called 2 days ago that she is 2 months pregnant, i'm still in shock a nd still don't know the solution, but i can tell you that you are not alone, here you can find amazing people like i did yesterday that can hep and if you need to talk i'm here.

[Confused_kelly]

There are days when I feel like I can deal with this, some days I just dont feel like that and I get into a depression of some sort. I was doing incredibly ok, until yesterday. We went to his mother's house to eat, and she is very nice, and doesmnt have a problem with me, but once during the whole night she called me the ex's name. It was from afar , my bf didnt hear her, I pretended not to, but his brother heard it and he tried to make noises so I couldnt hear it, he was very concerned, he is very fond of me as the rest of his family, but even though I know it was not intentional it hurt like hell.

 

Then to top it all, a friend came by with his twin kids. My babies were twins, I just felt my heart go to feet. It gets worse, his brother and the friend then began to nag him about when were we going to have one finally. I know they dont know about the ex being pregnant, so you can imagine how I felt having lost my babies, her pregnant with his first born and they asking that question after his mom called me by his ex's name.

 

This christmas sucks, I feel horrible, I juts dont think I can deal with this.

 

Is this normal? feeling one day like you can do it and then not so much? will it go away?

 

can I ever be ok with this? how? I have a lot of questions in me, and I know he is going out of his way to make it easy for me. I know he fears that Im going to leave, he said to me that;s his biggest fear. But I just dont know.

 

Im thatgirl, if you think you dont want to, I guess its better that way. If I wasnt so involvced emtionally god knows I would get out, find someone without all the excess baggage, but I have way too muc invested in this. I think I would suffer more without him.

 

 

scared12, Thank you, like I said always helpful when you have someone with a similar situation, talking about it really helps. Please keep me updated both of you, I will do the same. Hope everyhting goes smooth , wish you both the best,

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am sorry for your loss... The holidays are very hard when one is grieving for any kind of loss, and your loss is complicated by the situation with his ex-girlfriend.

 

First, I would say that your fiance seems to be a caring person, and to love you. I know you feel liked he 'ruined' everything, but remember this was an accidental pregnancy that he did not plan, that occurred at a time when he had no commitments to you.

 

So it was not a case of him betraying you on purpose. You have a right to be angry with the situation, but i wouldn't focus that anger on him, like he willfully made the choice to impregnate someone else and hurt you. As he says, he is doing the best he can under the circumstances, and has made a choice to be with you, not his former girlfriend.

 

Also, you might leave him and find someone else without the 'baggage' of a child from a prior relationship, but they might have all kinds of other problems that are worse, or may not love you as much, or treat you as well, etc. There are all kinds of baggage in this world, and most adults do have some kind of baggage, and frequently it is children from prior relationships. You can't just erase that time you were apart and other things happened for both of you apart from each other, though emotionally you would like to do that... so the task at hand is to try to accept what life has dealt you, or recognize that you don't love your fiance enough to overcome your disappointment at this unexpected pregnancy and child from his ex girlfriend.

 

I just think that right now you are dealing with lots of emotions related to grief and disappointed hopes, and over time, these issues that loom so large in your mind now will recede as you work through your own grief and disappointments, and have new positive experience to occupy your thoughts.

 

With grief, you do have to go through many stages of shock, anger, depression etc., but ultimately you will reach acceptance of the situation, if you love your fiance enough to give yourself time to heal from these disappointments and losses.

 

So you are dealing with the loss of a hope (that your finance would only have children with you), and also an dashed expectation that you would have his firstborn, which turned out not to come to pass. This will take some time to digest, but recognize that one has lots of hopes over a lifetime that do not come to pass, but the really good news is there are lots of othe hopes that WILL come to pass in the future, if you give yourself time to heal and make plans to start your own family and life with your fiance after your marriage.

 

Miscarriages are devastating, but you do know you are capable of being pregnant, and can work towards having that little girl you want in the future when your life is more settled. I know that is not an emotional consolation for you right now, but one-third of all women will have miscarriages during their lifetime, and they do go on to have other children who bring them a huge amount of happiness in their lives.

 

Regarding the child support, they do not award retroactive child support, so if she does file, it will only be granted from the date the judge awards the child support forward. So you will not be hit with a huge lump sum, but will have to pay the monthly support awarded. You do realistically have to accept that she might do this in the future, but at the same time, recognize that you would NOT want a man who welches on his own child, regardless of whether he is together with the mother or not.

 

and you might be surprized, you might discover that once you are secure in your own family with your fiance, you could love this other child. That child will be a little person whom you will have the chance of knowing from the time they are born, so you and that child might become as attached as you would to a niece or nephew. Lots of women's resentments in the face of an unexpected pregnancy from their spouse's prior partner melt when they actually do become involved with the child. stepmothers can love their stepchildren like their own, regardless of their feelings for the stepchild's mother, and you will NOT have the baggage of walking into an older child's life and being seen as an interloper.

 

So my suggestion to you is that you recognize that lots of your thinking is colored by grief and the depression it brings right now, and if you feel you are clinically depressed, then you should see a doctor to get this treated.

 

And if you really do love your fiance, then think about the greater depression you might feel if you break up with him, someone you have wanted for 9 years, strictly because of the loss of a hope, NOT because there is anything really wrong with your own relationship with him, just the current stress of dealing with an unexpected loss.

 

Best of luck, and please give yourself some time to heal before making any big decisions. Also, it sounds like you could use some additional support from a doctor/counseling if your depression has become clinical.

[Confused_kelly]

Wow, Im going to sound really dumb, but you actually made me cry, there is so much truth in what you say, and I may have not been able to see it before, but thats why Im crying, Its incredible how someone who doesnt know me can hit the nail on the head so accurately, as to make sense of what Im going through.

 

Right now I just want to say thank you for your post, its making me see this in another way. Ill share more later Im just a little bit shocked and processing here.

[Confused_kelly]

There's still the issue that she wants himback. Im pretty sure she is playing her cards very well. She is not mentioning anything about that to him now, so he'll think she is being mature about it. I know in her mind, she is sure he will get back with her as soon as the baby is born, that is the reason she is having this baby, that I know because she told me.

 

For me thats a horrible reason to have a baby, babies dont retain people, I know, I come from divorced parents. As soon as she goves birth the hinting will start and when she comes to visit from the US, god that is going to be a tough one. I think I mentioned it but I told my bf I didnt want her to know we were getting married, its only going to make her work harder at this.

 

I mean how low can you go to get someone back? Someone who was living with you, who decided that me, an ex, who doesnt work and who is not going to go live with him and cater to his every need(she was very very pathetic, in the way she would leave or do anything for him, she was never her own person), me an ex who is opinionated, educated I stand for my points of view and I dont succumb to all that macho stuff. He asks her to move out, she besg him, ok, I guess we can say he cheated on her with me, she even offers to work 2 jobs so they can have a better life if he stayed with her, and still he wants to be with me, and she still cant process it.

 

It doesnt enter her mind, she is determined and she is very sure she will get him back once he sees his baby. To tell you the truth I am a bit afraid of that. I dont know how he will respond to that, I dont want to make wedding plans to watch them crumble.

[Confused_kelly]

What I think suck the most is that somedays like I mentioned I feel like I can deal with this, but it takes just a little something to make me crumble again. I dont want to be the crazy gf who is always crying and doesnt understand, Im making her seem like the sane one with this. I dont want to drive my bf away with it, like I said she is playing her cards very well right now, staying calm and choosing what she talks about.

 

When my dad married my mom he already had 2 previous marriages and 2 daughters, he divorced my mom too because he cheated, even though thats all in the past now, you can see why Im a bit hesitant about this. All my life I wanted to avoid a similar situation for me.

[Confused_kelly]

Wondering if there were any updates with the girls that are in the same situation

[ImThatGirl]

Hey, Kelly~~~~

 

Just checking in.... I've been a little absent lately with the holidays and all.

 

What to say? I don't want to rain on your situation as each is very unique.

 

My bf and I are still technically together. His ex asks him to stay the night, to go to family dinners, they have shopped together. He doesn't visit consistantly or check on his daughter consistantly.

 

I've pretty much stayed detached from the situation. Last night was the first time I even seen a picture of her. (the baby.)

 

Today he received email notification that he is the father. I believed all along that it would come back positive.

 

I can't really put into words how I feel about that. I've trained myself to not feel jealousy for the most part. But there's a little part of me that is jealous I suppose. More like feeling left out. That they share a child together. This part I think is going to be very difficult for you - understandably.

 

I'm still not sure how this will work out as he has been not so friendly to me lately even though we are technically in a relationship.

 

Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm thinking of you.

[Confused_kelly]

I dont understand something, she asks him to spend the night? for what?

 

The only good thing about my situation is she will have the baby far away so he wont se the baby until maybe its 5 months or 6 when she comes for a visit, so that whole first weeks preparation thing and shopping is not opgin to be there, as to when she is here, I talked to my bf about it, I have expressed that I dont have a problem with him seeing the baby, if she needs anything, by all means get it for her I wont mind what Im not going to tolerate is them going out together and he fully understands.

 

I dont know if I should worry or what but he doesnt seem to really be excited or anything about the situation, his family doesnt even know about the pregnancy and he talks with her like once a month and she is the one that calls, so I dont know what to make of that.

 

Maybe once he sees the baby hell change, but I hope he wont jeopardize the relationship.

 

What do you mean when you say he has not been so friendly?

[ImThatGirl]

Before the baby was born, she commented to her friends that "he better plan on being there even overnights to help take care of 'this' baby." For some reason, she thinks he should stay the night. I'm not sure why. Only thing I can figure is because he's not clear that he's not interested in being with her. So she's hopeful.

 

He only seen her maybe 4 times (for ultrasounds and a dr appt,) during the past 5 months of her pregnancy. He also never called her; she only called him and that wasn't very often either. He wasn't excited at all either. Actually in complete denial until he received DNA results today.

 

When I say he hasn't been so friendly. My guess is his feelings about me have changed and he doesn't see a future with me. He's been very mean with his words and very distant. I think maybe it's a possibility that he's just not working well with all the pressure.

 

Kell, please keep in mind that each person is unique. I don't want to worry you or frighten you. This is just how it is going with my guy. But he's not the most considerate and respectful guy anyway.

[Confused_kelly]

I understand, so do you plan to stay with him or are you having second thoughts now?

 

I mean the unfriendly thing could very well be so much change, people react different to situations, or it could be what you say too.

 

Im really sorry things have not been great. I decided to stay off the topic until she gives birth in 2 and half months.

 

What I am having second thoughts about is the wedding. Im having doubts, maybe I should just wait to see how things are going to be when she comes for a visit, because if he cant respect me and do things right why marry him?

 

But I know that if I propose something like that he is going to flip out, for some reason he is very much afraid I will back out of the engagement even though I said yes, because I told him the ring does not mean I will accept behavior I dont aprove of just because he is going ot marry me.

[ImThatGirl]

Hey, There~

 

I know how much you love him. When are you planning to get married? When is she coming for a visit?

 

I think that he loves you very much and will help you through this. That is why he is very much afraid you will back out and may not take postponing very well. Just remember to do what is right for YOU.

 

Like you, we stayed off the topic for the past 2.5 months or so. We'd discuss briefly sometimes. But for the most part, we just awaited the due date. I would not have done that any differently.

 

I'm not sure what will happen with our relationship. I plan to be a friend to him at the least. I agree, this is a very trying time for him and may be why he has been so unhappy, unfriendly towards me. It's just hurtful because I've been here to support him, you know? He was entirely different yesterday. Not sure if receiving the dna confirmation caused a difference in attitude or what. He acted normal again. Very nice to me for once.

 

Your relationship sounds like it is much stronger and stable. So please do not compare to how things are evolving for me.

[Confused_kelly]

We are planning to get married in november, I dont know for sure when she will coome for a visit, but it wont be right after having it because its not healthy for the baby so I guess 5 months at most after the baby is born, so august, september, I dont know for sure.

 

Im doing much better, but starting to get anxious since her giving birht comes closer and closer. I still dread the thought of him having a baby with someone else.

 

Maybe as a woman you can understand that almost all of us dream of the person we will marry and I certainly never said Oh I hope I can find a man who has a baby with a crazy ex. But thats what life dealt to me. Its particularly hard, because of my miscarriage and the fact that my firiends, female ones, are all about to settle too, with the kind of guys we always dreamed of. I know my parenst will squirm when I tell them which I dont plan on doing until after the wedding.

 

Both my mom and my dad know what it is to have a relationship with children outside of it. My mom married my dad and he already had 2 girls, they are divorced now, so I dont know, it didnt have to do with that, but still they know from experience.

 

Im getting scared with the wedding, what if I dont aprove of the way he handles things when she comes for a visit? I know I would cancel the wedding, but Im just scared,.

[ImThatGirl]

Sweetie, I completely understand where you are coming from.

 

I would not have made any huge commitments or decisions with my bf considering his situation. Again though - my relationship doesn't sound nearly as stable as yours.

 

We do dream of finding the perfect man, getting married, and living happily ever after. It will happen for each of us. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be in this situation where my boyfriend was expecting a child. Never. Yet I am. He has been nicer the past few days. He probably needs my advice as I'm more familiar with dealing with children and ex's.

 

It's a long, hard, rough road, dear. But with lots of love, patience, and understanding, you will make it through and can be happy with your fiance.

 

I'm thinking of you!

 

Lots of hugs and well wishes!

[Confused_kelly]

I feel like such a horrible person, yesterday I cried to myself wishing he would not take care of his child, my god what a horrible thing to think about, I know thats not me talking and I hope to God it will pass. I mean what kind of person would prefer for her bf not to take care or love his baby because its from another woman.

Dont get me wrong Imappaled at myself.

 

Is this normal? I dont really want that but yesterday my thoughts about it were so strong it scared me.

 

I dont know if its because Im under a lot of stress since tomorrow I talk to my dad about the wedding (he doesnt know yet ) and Im scared of his reaction since Im the "little one" and he has always been closer to me than my sisters becasuse he was with my mom longer and they much older than me. Im afraid of it because Im still sutdying and I know that concerns him, and because a lot of people dont think my bf is good enough for me, thats why I choose to not say anything about the baby until after the wedding, because they will judge and frown now that they dont know imagine if they knew.

[Budman]

Kelly, first off I'm going to apologize, I really hope I don't cause more grief then needed.

 

First off I'm sorry about your babies (hug) big ol' hug... My first one is brewing, and I know I'd be sad.

 

About the last question you asked, it is normal for a human to have those thoughts especially when it scares them. I've known quite a few people who have "those" sort of thoughts. It's normal to an extent you won't like them but its normal.

 

Anyway, I hate to say it but your BF has raised flags to me. (granted I don't know him so they aren't the end all).

 

1. He cheated on her, with you. I go by the philosophy, once a cheater, always a cheater.)

2. Since you did not say when you got pregnant but the timelines state that it could be near the time you had the affair. Which begs the question, did he use a condom? I didn't hear about a breakage, so I assume it was unprotected.

3. Again with the ex, you did not speak of "condom" use or breakage, which makes me think that he wasn't using protection with her either.

4. This shows Irresponsibility in my opinion because he was taking the possibility (and very much so) on getting two women pregnant. Also, think about the chances that he could have given two women STD's and such by it.

5. Since it was such a long time that you've wanted him back, it makes me wonder about how it was done. Also, it is showing me that he was emotionally cheating on his ex with you for a long time.

6. Since it was quite interesting that his ex moved away (either at the time or a little after) is when you and him got together. That brings up some interesting questions on my part.

 

 

Conclusion: You say you want to avoid relationships like your mothers/fathers but in a sense you are *not* avoiding them because this guy has cheated, (mind you it takes two to cheat but if you were not in a relationship well you are less at fault by no means am I calling you evil or throwing judgement). I beg the question, if he cheated on her with you, what would stop him from cheating on you with her, or with anyone else for that matter. Also, he potentially was having unprotected sex, WITH you AND her at the same time which hints to irresponsibility and carelessness.

 

Granted I may be wrong on this, I may have a wrong take completely, but to me I would not stay with him if I were in your shoes as I could not trust him but of course I do not know the whole story...

 

Like I said, I'm sorry if I make this harder on you, I'm just trying to help. I do truly hope that I am way off base here.

[scared12]

my situation is not the best right now as his ex called me last night saying somethings that hurted me, she wants me out of the picture, and she told him that i called her and that now because of it she is in hospital and probably losing a child, when actually she was at home with her friend. i'm in a mess right now.

i hope your situation is much better. it is funny how this problems are affecting me, i have never in my live been so nervious and i can't sleep normally. just 2 days ago everything was ok, and now even his behaviour is cold and distant. i don't know how much i can take it

[ImThatGirl]

Kelly, your feelings are not abnormal at all. When I became aware of the situation I was in (without forewarning,) when he notified me that she was pregnant, I had so many emotions. For the past 5 months, I went from secretly wishing he'd have nothing to do with his child, to being angry that he involved me, to being jealous. And scared12, I could barely sleep and never felt as anxious in my life.

 

Now mind you - I am a very compassionate and caring person. I want more than anything for him to have a part in raising his daughter. Which brings me to the continuous thought I've been having: There is no way that he can possibly fulfill my needs while transitioning into his co-parenting role with his daughter. (Just my opinion formed from evaluating my individual situation and his actions.)

 

I'm worried for you, Kelly. And you too Scared12.

 

Sometimes, we want something so much that we basically disrespect and forget our own emotions and needs. I can relate my relationship to some type of self mutilation. I stay for some reason. But everyday, it hurts like hell.

 

Not healthy. And I wish time and time again that I had walked away when he informed me. Or that he would have been decent enough to tell me before we started dating...

[Confused_kelly]

Dont worry no harm done here. I understand sometimes its hard to form opinions when the facts are not clear enough. But still I thank you for your interest

[Confused_kelly]

I think what I have going for me its the fact that she doesnt live here. She moved because he didnt want to see us together, so even thought I was thinking of her moving back as a possibility I think once she knows we are getting married or married she will not do it.

 

I dont know.All I know is I have to give props to my bf , because I have to admit he has been doing a lot to keep me comfortable and reassuring me that things will be ok. He is really full of fear I m going to leave somaybe thats why he is being like that. Still, He understands what Im going through and Im trying to understand him. well see how things go.

 

I wonder why cant you walk away if you feel like this?

 

How are things going? how many times a week does he see his baby and how is he treating you?

Does he talk about what he did or make commenst about th ebaby? if he does, do they bother you?

 

sorry if it seems like Im interrogating you IM just curious.

[ImThatGirl]

I think your bf seems to truly care for you and want your relationship to work. You two have a common goal of being together.

 

I think I haven't walked yet because I feel "needed."

 

He see's his daughter a few times a week. He actually is staying over there on Monday nights now. (supposedly with hopes of eventually getting overnight visitation.)

 

He talks alot about his daughter but more about his ex. Complaints and whatnot. Do they bother me? (his talks) I'd be comfortable with him talking about his daughter and joy of spending time with her. But I'm completely tired of hearing him complain about his ex. It's constant. We rarely have a single conversation where he doesn't bring up his issues. Understandable I suppose; he's overwhelmed. But not acceptable for me. You know? What about me?

 

I've been pretty distant from him lately. I think I'm getting over this. Getting ready to move on. I think.

[Confused_kelly]

Well if you really feel thats what you want then you should go ahead and do it.

Have you tried letting him know that maybe you would apreciate it more if he didnt talk so much about the ex, I mean let him know you understand, but that you think it would be better for him to just get that off his mind once he is not with her. That way it seems like is not selfish. I dont know if I could deal with talk about the baby. Now I think its a boy, I know either way he is going to love it, but for some reason I feel a boy will make things harder for me.

 

I didnt want a girl because, you know I wanted one with him, and even though, girls have a tendency to have more connection with dads, a boy, I dont know, I mean everyman wishes for a boy.

I know this shouldnt be an issue, its just I have too much time in my hands until everything happens and I tend to overanalyze things.

 

I hope you can actually come to terms with wathever decision you make regarding your relationship, Ill be here if you need me.

 

Have you sen the baby? at least on pictures? does your family know?