Should i get back with my ex, even though i'm in a good relationship?

[urcandygirl]

I wrote here before about the same guy I’m writing about today. The only difference is instead of me not being able to get over him; it’s him who wants me back.

Chris and I dated from when I was a junior in high school to a senior. He was a freshman in high school when we started dating. Our relationship was good at first; we hung out all the time and had a lot of fun. Then he started flirting with other girls and eventually broke up with me to be with one. (I know this might seem absurd to even write about because I know it seems like it wasn’t important because we were so young.) Anyway, he came back to me eventually but we ended up breaking up again because I couldn’t trust him not to break up with me again for someone else. We still talked and acted like we were together for periods of time until he would decide he wanted to try someone new. When things would end with the new girl he left me for, he would come back to me saying that he couldn’t stop thinking about me even when he was with them and that he wanted to be with me but he was afraid he would hurt me again by wanting someone new. I would take him back and it would happen all over again.

The summer before I went to college we talked some about getting together but it didn’t happen. We were still sexually involved, though. When I left for college I began not having any contact with him at all. I just thought it was better for both of us to move on.

It’s been about 3 and a half months since I left for college and I have a boyfriend now that I’ve been with for 2 months. I live in the dorms and he lives down the hall from me. Our relationship has moved pretty quickly. We started sleeping with each other after less than a month and we already say that we love each other. The relationship has been great, we can tell each other everything and we have a lot of fun when we’re together. We both have had some problems in the past in our lives and we feel comfortable talking about them with each other. Being with Joey has made me realize how it feels to be in a healthy and stable relationship.

Now I will tell you the problem, since I wouldn’t be writing here if there weren’t one… A couple weeks ago I called Chris when I was drunk. Why? Because even when I was with Joey I would think about Chris everyday. Not necessarily think about how I missed him but just thought about him in general. So I called him one night while Joey was passed out. I called his house and woke up his step mom about 5 times, I didn’t end up talking to Chris at all though. The next day I texted chris and told him that I had called…I’m not sure why I did any of this looking back on it. But Chris surprised me by telling me he still loved me and thought about me all the time. He told me that no girl he has been with has compared to me. He told me he was sorry for hurting me in the past and that the unsure feeling was gone. That now he was positive that he was ready to be with me and he was sure he would never hurt me again.

I am home for Christmas Break and Chris lives down the street. He came and saw me last night and we talked for four hours and just hung out. He told me everything he’s told me before, about how he wants to start again and how I’m the one for him. He came over again today and Joey called while he was over. Joey and I are now on a “break” until I figure out what I want to do. I know I haven’t been fair to Joey at all by seeing and talking to Chris. But I’ve wanted to hear this from Chris for years and I finally believe he’s telling the truth. I have no idea what to do because I have feelings for both of them. I sort of want to stay with Joey and see where that goes, because I believe that if Chris and I were really meant to be that it would happen eventually. But Chris doesn’t want to wait while I go out with Joey and I can’t say that I blame him. I’m not sure what to do because i still love chris just as much as i used to. Some advice would be appreciated. If you have any questions I’ll be checking back frequently!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This could be a few problems... maybe you started dating Joey too soon after breaking up with Chris, before you really did the healing to get over him... it could also mean that you are not ready to commit to anybody, since you want to be with two guys, and hence should not date either of them seriously until you are sure which one you really want...

 

but here's something really important you said: 'Being with Joey has made me realize how it feels to be in a healthy and stable relationship.' by default that means your relationship with Chris was NOT something you considered healthy and stable... people don't usually change all that much in a few months, so are you really sure that Chris has changed whatever about himself that made your relationship NOT that healthy... you can love someone a lot, but if the relationship is not healthy, or the other person not trustworthy, then you may just find yourself breaking up with him again in a few months, and meanwhile you've lost Joey...

 

so i'd think really carefully before committing to one or the other... and if Chris can't wait a while til you sort things out in your mind, then he obviously doesn't love you enough to form a healthy and stable relationship that you want.

[urcandygirl]

Everyone thinks I should be with Joey, just because he treats me better and it is more stable. But I don't want to be in a relationship just because I'm treated better, I want to be in one because we love eachother. Sometimes I think Joey only thinks he loves me because he just needs someone in his life. But I also think that Chris may only want me because he knows I'll always come back. Do you think it's fair of me to try things with Joey, even if deep down I still may love Chris?

[agent1607307371]

Not at all.

 

 

But if you're really unsure, maybe you could try being single for a while.

[amuse]

Really you decide.

I would not take him back.

Why?

Usually they are just jealous that you are with someone else.

Which one says he loves you?

[urcandygirl]

They both say they love me. I think I believe Chris more because he knows more of me. I'M SO CONFUSED

[amuse]

Who is more stable and you see yourself marrying and having kids and etc and growing old with?

[urcandygirl]

i've only been with Joey 2 months so i can't really see us growing old together yet. Chris i've known for 2 years and I can see us growing old together and getting married. He tells me he wants to marry me...

I think i would chose Chris if i knew Joey wouldn't be hurt by it. But I just feel horrible breaking up with Joey when before this Chris thing, Joey had done nothing wrong.

[BONO]

Not at all.

 

 

But if you're really unsure, maybe you could try being single for a while.

 

 

Agree.

 

A period of reflection is key. (((( Esp over XMAS )))

 

Im not talking about a couple of days or so but a good time to focus on *you* and what *you* want from this interesting dynamic. If you dont then perhaps the merry go round will continue.

 

If you try to please every one..... guess what ?

 

You end up pleasing *no one*](*,)

 

A bit of time to retrench - then you will know what to do.

 

Make sense ?

 

 

Scruff

[Deserted1]

Hey Candy. I know how confused you must be. My ex went through this same thing. We were in a relationship for 3 1/2 yrs. She was so confused when an "old friend" came into the picture. Let me tell you, do them and yourself a favor, take time away from BOTH of them for a few weeks. NC with them both, and tell them why, so you can get yourself straight and make a rational decision. Otherwise you may end up in the hospital with a panic attack like my ex did. PM me if you want.

[urcandygirl]

So I take a few weeks. That means no calling, no seeing, no anything with either of them?

Will that really help me to choose?

I told Chris i didn't want to see him, but he said how could i choose if i can't see how much he's changed, etc... What do i say back to that?

I can see how trying to please everyone would end up pleasing no one... but unfortunately i'm trying to do what hurts the least amount of people. because i don't know what i want.

[suram]

dont break up with him if he is treating yo very well

i agree that you need time alone to heal....

but if joey claims he loves you then he would start posting here....(hahaa) kidding....

llisten you would inflict a wound and he apparently doesnt deserve it ...

the question is do u see yourself loving joey?

did chris do you wrong?

my advice would be of 2

1- singletill you know what you want this would involve nc or lc for a short period of time ,till you are ready..

 

2- don break up with joey but maintain lc with chris because at the moment its still fresh and the outcome is good (you should be lookin for security and happiness) ..you say chris knows he can have you back well now maybe its because you are with joey and when you go back to chris he would do it again..

 

the way i see it is chris wants what isnt his while joey wants what is you see the picture ....

 

keep us posted !!

 

suram

[urcandygirl]

(I don't want it to sound like i'm arguing because i really really appreciate the advice. It's just i argue with myself back and forth so i guess i just am waiting for something to not be able to be argued with.)

 

I do feel awful about inflicting this on Joey when he's been fine. He's treated me very well, and this isn't fair to him at all. But is who i should be with really who treats me better or is it who I feel a stronger connection towards? Maybe in time, i would feel a stronger connection with Joey. But i already have a very strong one with Chris... so .. gr. See i'm stuck again.

[suram]

So I take a few weeks. That means no calling, no seeing, no anything with either of them?

Will that really help me to choose?

I told Chris i didn't want to see him, but he said how could i choose if i can't see how much he's changed, etc... What do i say back to that?

I can see how trying to please everyone would end up pleasing no one... but unfortunately i'm trying to do what hurts the least amount of people. because i don't know what i want.

 

yes you will realise and it would help you make the wiser decision!!!since you dont know what you want ...just know 1 thing is that they both want you but chris is using words even though he says he has changed let actions show while as you are saying joey is fulfillin with actions..

 

definitely nc for awhile would help YOU !!! forget what they think its about knowing what you want!!

 

if you ever need help pm me anytime

[BONO]

You understood what I said though ???

 

 

Scruff

 

(I don't want it to sound like i'm arguing because i really really appreciate the advice. It's just i argue with myself back and forth so i guess i just am waiting for something to not be able to be argued with.)

 

I do feel awful about inflicting this on Joey when he's been fine. He's treated me very well, and this isn't fair to him at all. But is who i should be with really who treats me better or is it who I feel a stronger connection towards? Maybe in time, i would feel a stronger connection with Joey. But i already have a very strong one with Chris... so .. gr. See i'm stuck again.

[urcandygirl]

I understood about taking time off till after christmas, and that I shouldnt try to please everyone. Is that what youre talking about?

[suram]

ok i get where you are comin from!!!!

don worry its ok to argue we are here to help each other so no worries there....

 

lsn then the best you could do at the moment is go nc you need to understand the connection for both ....maybe with chris there is no closure....

try this :

write on a piece of paper the pros and cons of both and weigh them out....

what im worried about is chris could be doing this cause he doent have you you know ...the connection is strong then see from his side if it isnot through words....it souldnt be too bad for joey because its only been 2 months...but for now i would say go nc and tell them you need time for yourself...

[suram]

I understood about taking time off till after christmas, and that I shouldnt try to please everyone. Is that what youre talking about?

 

yes at the moment you need whats best for you!! you don need the confusion... as much as it hurts im going to be honest with you i THINK!! if chris truly loved you he would want you happy and not play games with you ....for now do nc and about pleasing everyone you need to please yourself first!!!!

[urcandygirl]

Play games as in wanting me back when I'm with someone else?

[suram]

no more im worried when he is with you he wouldnt want anymore you know!!!!

[suram]

b4 going nc (if you chose to) be honest about all with joey!!

[urcandygirl]

I'm worried about that, too.

[BNachos14]

Ok well this is Chris... the one from the "story".... i just wanted to get a little bit out because obviously if no one knows me they must assume... so i wanted to make it all a little more clear. Erin is completely rite when she says that i would leave her for some1 else and come back to her... however when she says that i "know i can have her back" thats where it goes wrong... i dont know i can have her back... and thats why im trying so hard to get her... If i knew i could have her back i would just sit back and wait for her phone call telling me that she wanted to be with me again. but i cant do that because im scared im not going to get her back. some1 said i should show my love for her through actions and not words... and i totally agree... the only problem is is that i am not given opportunities... originally we werent even supposed to see each other when she came home... but i said well if i cant see you how can i show i love you... i want to do the actions because i always used to use words and i know that words are not enough... i just dont want any1 here to think i want her back because she is with some1 else... joey is not important to me... she is the only important thing here... if she were single i would still be trying to get her back. if there are any questions just post em.

[BONO]

I understood about taking time off till after christmas, and that I shouldnt try to please everyone. Is that what youre talking about?

 

Xmas is a cocktail of powerful emotions and reflection for everyone in the world.

 

Luckly, it only next week. Use this time very wisely.

 

So in ten days time, you ( not them ) might have a better idea of the way forward

 

((( Hugs )))xx

 

 

Scruff

[suram]

exactly!! that whi you should maintain nc at the moment .... if he loves you let him prove it and not by WORDS!!!