I think my cousin married the wrong guy

[glegend]

Hi there. So let me begin. Just over 1 year ago my cousin got married to her fiancee Jim. They had been going out for 6 years. 2 years ago at Christmas he purposed to her and she accepted. He is a very nice guy, pretty smart but sometimes he does say things that make him seem kina dumb. Now he doesnt work any more. My cousin supports him now. About a few weeks to one month before their wedding. They got married July of last year. He "got fired". He worked for Rogers Cable. He used to be a techncician then got promoted to Supervisor then he go into the warehouse and was worker in the warehouse. According to him the company gave him an ultimatum that he has to go back to being a technician or he gets fired. He apparently got into a argument and they fired him. So he went to the Better Business Bureau and filed a claim for firing him on false accusations which he won by the way and got like 10gran minus the laywer fees and the fees for the paper work.

 

Anyways they bought a house 2 months ago and now they are doing some work on it. But he still doesnt have a job, we are all seing that he is LAZY. So until he won his court battle and after unemployment finished last chrismas my cousin has been supporting him and herself. Now he sleeps in till about 10 or 11, and either watches TV or goes and chills with his buddy. His buddy is a nice guy and everything but that goof doesnt work either, so he's a bad influence. When my cousins husband goes to do some work on the house he stays there for 10 minutes then his buddy calls him up and they go out.

 

Currently my dad is renovating the bathroom for them. My dad told him and my cousin last week to knock down the bathroom, since her husband doenst work, and my dad will fix it. So it took him 4 days to knock down the bathroom. My dad went there the other night and it still wasnt knocked down completely. So my dad had to knock it down.

 

Now this guy my cousin married has only sent in a few resume's in the last year, and every resume he sends he thinks he is going to get he job. He is also depending on his mom (who give resumes at her work to other coworkerd) and "these friends" of his to get him job (he claims that he has friends in certain companies and they can pull strings and get him a job their) He has no college or university education and barley graduated high school. Now my cousin did exceptionally well in high school went to college and became a dental assistant but being an assistant wasn't enough so she went back and became higenist (my appologies if I spelled it wrong). So my cousin is making over 60 gran a year. But her husband just sits around doing nothing. I feel sorry for my cousin. She is better then this I dont know what she see's in him. He's a bum.

 

I want to confront him and also talk to my cousin, same thing with my dad and my aunt (my cousins mom, which is my dad's sister) but its not really our business at least to talk to him and tell him to get his act together. The only one who can do that is my cousin. I feel like he is taking my cousin for a ride you know using her for her money. I really dont want this marriage to end in divorce cause hes a nice guy and their perfect together, but he's a lazy bum. My cousin does not deserve any of this. But if this marriage is to end in divorce I'd rather have my cousin get divorced right now cause it's not that far along in the marriage plus they dont have any kids yet.

 

So what can I do to help out my cousin?

 

 

***Ohh yeah just to mention my cousin in 32 and her husband is 30***

[Mythical_Suicide]

I know it isn't much comfort to you but it really isn't your place to say anything at all. I know you love your cousin but what are you to do? I'm sure she sees all this already and you going and telling her things may push her away from you.

Just sit back and let her handle her own business and if she needs help let her come asking for it.

[glegend]

I know it isn't much comfort to you but it really isn't your place to say anything at all. I know you love your cousin but what are you to do? I'm sure she sees all this already and you going and telling her things may push her away from you.

Just sit back and let her handle her own business and if she needs help let her come asking for it.

 

 

Thats the thing it isn't my place or my dad or even my aunts to say anything at all. Of course I love my cousin shes always there for me, my girlfriend and my sister, but I dont know what to do. Like it herts me that she has to go through this, just because her husband is lazy and doesn't want to works. Like she could of had a better life but she turned it down. When she got her braces she was just going back to school to become a higenist. After she got them off the dentist asked her out, but she turned him down because of his haircut. Afew months later he got married. Every now and then I wonder what would have happened if she had said yes to him and started dating him. The answer is simple she would have a relly big house, kids, most likely she'd be a stay home mom, no morgage, luxury car etc. Now it could be for the best she turned him down I dont know. Getting back she probably see it but when I hear her say "we sent some resume's but its hard to get a call back", I wonder what going on.

[blueangel]

Your business is to support your cousin. It's not your job to be picking apart things about her life or even nosing around. Just let her know that you're there for her. That's the greatest thing you can say. Judgements won't help her. You can't help her. She has to help herself. I'm sure she's a big girl...even if not as mature as you.

 

I'm also sure things go on behind closed doors that you don't know about- how he treats her and so on or what is causing the job struggles. Her husband is what she wants and that you need to respect. When it comes to your life, make your own choices and do what you think is right for yourself. You wouldn't want others doubting what you do so don't doubt her. As humans, that respect is necessary to give. You wouldn't really want to be what triggers her to secondguess her marriage. Brighten her day. Don't analyze it.

[glegend]

Its that I want to pick apart things in her life or even be nosing around. But when you have everyone question my aunt, my dad, me, why her husband isnt working. Then you know that means theres something wrong. A buddie of mine has a fence building business, so they told my cousins husband to go work for them 12/hour so he can make some money + so they can take on more jobs. My cousins husband would go there at like 1 o'clock im the afternoon and wait for the others (who have full time jobs and do this to make some extra ca$h) to go and put the fence's up. I'm in my cousins life alot like were siblings, we're that close. You know if I were in a situation like that or even worse (ie dating someone who is cheating on me) I would want someone to look out for me and tell me. Like if things continue the way there are going then I know what the outcome will be, casuse it happened to my parents my mom would stay home and not work (a stay-home wife) but then we bought a house and we were faliing behind on bills. So she had to get a job and its just till now my parents are catching up on the bills. So from that aspect.

[Batya33]

If you truly are a good friend you will stay out of it and not tell her what she already knows. I am shocked that you would suggest that she made a mistake by not dating her dentist because you think he makes/has more money. You are entitled to that standard for yourself but to start meddling in your cousin's marriage because you think she could have done better is a waste of time and maybe a sign that you need to get busier with your own life and activities. All that matters is what she wants and if you do not approve of her choice then you do not need to discuss her choice with her or give her financial help if her husband is not working.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I understand why you feel as you do, but -

 

1- It's your cousin's marriage, and what goes on between them is their business. If she wants to support this man, then that's her business.

 

2- Saying something about this would likely only alienate you from your cousin and her husband. Don't make her choose.

 

3- You *could*, if you wanted, 'innocently' suggest some job openings to her husband, or 'innocently' bring him some applications, telling him that you thought he might be interested in it. He'd probably get the point. It's probably not the best idea though; as I said in point number 1, it's their business, no one elses.

 

4- The money he received from the lawsuit might be his form of 'income' at this time. If he wishes to live off of the money he received, well, that's their business.

 

5- I agree he needs to man up and work, but again, it's their business. Saying something will only create problems and tension.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

So I guess my major point is: It's their business. Meddling in-laws will only make it worse.

 

However, your concern for your cousin is sweet. But, like I said... ^

|

[glegend]

I understand why you feel as you do, but -

 

3- You *could*, if you wanted, 'innocently' suggest some job openings to her husband, or 'innocently' bring him some applications, telling him that you thought he might be interested in it. He'd probably get the point. It's probably not the best idea though; as I said in point number 1, it's their business, no one elses.

 

Ive tried that and he turned it down. Somehow the topic of work came up and everyone asked how the search going, so he said the usual I gave some resumes to my mom to give. And I recalled that my friend's dad who own a duct cleaning business is looking for someone and my friend told me if I know someone he can hook that person up. So I told my cousins husband and he said no. Any suggestion that anyone makes he has a negative to it. My dad asked him did you ever consider a job as a mechanic since he took auto throughout high school. And his response was that technology changes all the time so everytime something changes he's gonna have to go back to learn that new technology. I know its their business, and that Im not the one to talk. But you know someone has to say something right? In the long run he can't rely on his mom to find him a job and just chill everyone while my cousin works from 8-9 almost everyday thats not fair. I guess you can say my hearts in the right place.

[glegend]

If you truly are a good friend you will stay out of it and not tell her what she already knows. I am shocked that you would suggest that she made a mistake by not dating her dentist because you think he makes/has more money. You are entitled to that standard for yourself but to start meddling in your cousin's marriage because you think she could have done better is a waste of time and maybe a sign that you need to get busier with your own life and activities. All that matters is what she wants and if you do not approve of her choice then you do not need to discuss her choice with her or give her financial help if her husband is not working.

 

 

Ok maybe it didnt come out right. What I was suggesting was if and if she had dated her dentist life possibly could have been better. I dont know what he was like, you never know maybe it was for the best that she dated but we dont know. I wouldnt call it meddling, I would call it looking out for my cousin.

Before I used to see things in a different perspective, but know im looking at it like this. Maybe her husband thought after they get married he could have a free ride and not work. Like im starting to think maybe he married my cousin for her money. Im pretty busy with my life, right now not as much since I lost my job but i'm still in high school so the job isnt that important to me since I dont need it to survive.

[Ash]

Perhaps you said it best yourself:

 

the job isnt that important to me since I dont need it to survive

 

If her income is enough to support them both, then they may have decided exactly that.

 

Respectfully put, it's really hard to judge those that are significantly older than yourself. There may be aspects to this you aren't aware of. It may simply be a decision they've made themselves.

 

It's great that you care, and you can be supportive of your cousin in lots of ways, but I'd have to think that an intrusion into their lives such as the one you may be contemplating may not be well received.

 

You've given us your interpretation of how you see things, but there hasn't been anything to say that the two of them have any issues. So, again respectfully put, no, you don't actually have to be the one to say anything.

 

Your heart is in the right place. But I think you can help in other ways.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Oh yes, it is very clear that your heart is in the right place (and I commend you for it) and I definitely agree with every aspect of your post.

 

And you're completely right, he cannot depend on his mommy to find him a job! He is 30 years old for christ's sake. Believe me, I've seen this sort of thing before. My aunt had a boyfriend just like the man you're describing above. So yes, he's definitely in the wrong.

 

The only reason why I suggest to not say anything or get involved in their business is because she likely wouldn't listen anyway, and may become angry. We learned after awhile to not say anything to my aunt because she would become defensive of her man, and it would alienate her from us. It's her husband and she's clearly letting him sit at home while she works. Or, she may have even said something to him herself. Then again, it may be that she doesn't mind this at all because she feels she's making enough to support them both.

 

So, I didn't mean to come off as if I disagreed with your position on this. I don't. I completely agree with how you and your family feel. And judging by what you posted above, this man is merely making excuses. He is laaaazy. No ifs ands buts about it. Does he contribute in any way, does he pull his weight? Does he cook and clean? Just wondering.

[Batya33]

Ok maybe it didnt come out right. What I was suggesting was if and if she had dated her dentist life possibly could have been better. I dont know what he was like, you never know maybe it was for the best that she dated but we dont know. I wouldnt call it meddling, I would call it looking out for my cousin.

Before I used to see things in a different perspective, but know im looking at it like this. Maybe her husband thought after they get married he could have a free ride and not work. Like im starting to think maybe he married my cousin for her money. Im pretty busy with my life, right now not as much since I lost my job but i'm still in high school so the job isnt that important to me since I dont need it to survive.

 

If you really care you will care the way she needs you to care - by staying out of her business and not meddling.

And please don't presume all doctors have money. You need to save and invest the money properly for one thing, you have to be physically capable of doing that kind of work for long periods of time and you can't know that about this dentist.

[Mythical_Suicide]

But you know someone has to say something right? .

 

 

yes! but you are not the person to be saying anything, while your heart may be in the right place you will probably do more harm than good as far as sticking your nose in their marriage. It's your cousins place to say something and decide for herself. If she doesn't like the idea of him not working then let her be the one who decides what to do about it.

 

My family gets into my relationship alot and it only pushes me away from them because they only see parts of the problem and not the whole thing thereforeeee they don't understand what is reallyl going on.

 

You need to focus on your life and stay out of hers and as PP said care about her the way you should and stay out of their marriage issues.

[DizzyDoris]

I dont think you should say or do anything, its not your place (little issues like this are the kind of things that trigger family feuds, im sure you wouldnt want to fall out) he doesnt abuse her and they love each other right? You cant choose her partner for her, she married this man, she chose to spend her life with him. He'll probably get bored soon and start looking for a job, maybe he doesnt want to do just any old job and none have come up that he likes the sound of. Sounds like they are not struggling financially.

 

All i would say to you is to be there for her, if things go wrong, be supportive and be there to help pick up the pieces. She has to live her own life and if she's not happy with her husband then SHE will decide to do something about it.

 

Good on you though for being a top cousin, wish mine looked out for me the same way!

[glegend]

I dont think you should say or do anything, its not your place (little issues like this are the kind of things that trigger family feuds, im sure you wouldnt want to fall out) he doesnt abuse her and they love each other right? You cant choose her partner for her, she married this man, she chose to spend her life with him. He'll probably get bored soon and start looking for a job, maybe he doesnt want to do just any old job and none have come up that he likes the sound of. Sounds like they are not struggling financially.

 

Good on you though for being a top cousin, wish mine looked out for me the same way!

 

 

I've said it as well as all of you its none of our place's to say anything. Hes not abusing her which is good. And yeah they do love each other they together for 6 years before they got engaged and then another 1 year until they got married. She married this guy and I'm happy for her. Hes a really nice guy just lazy and doesnt want to work and support his wife. That is what ticks eveyone off. Everyone in the family makes fun of him and especially my cousin for him not finding a job. I dont think he will ever get bored and start looking for a job its been a year and a half and he still doesnt have a job. Come on within that time any one can get job. When I got my job at Best Buy it took me 2 months of applications (well only 5 applications spread out within a 2 month period) but I got a job after 3 interviews with them. Well the jobs he wants he cant really get. He wants a government job but to have a government job you need to have a at least a college or university education which he doesnt have. But he still is applying for them, and only them. Hes also applied to places where some of his friends "apparently" work but every application he give we hear my friend works there and he can get me in. But that means nothing. They are not struggling financially, yet. My cousin makes just abit over 60gran a year. And now she has a 400 gran motgage to take care of plus water bill, electricity, phone, cell phone thats not easy. And my cousin want to start a family. It cant be done. Is she going to take maternity leave? I dont think so if things keep going the way they are.

Yeah I'm a pretty good cousin, so is she. She takes care of me so I take care of her. Plus we grew up together in the same house well for most of my life until my 1 year after my sister was born then we moved into apartment.

[glegend]

You see you can really relate because you experienced it with through your aunt. He cannot depend on his mommy or even these so called friends to find him a job! He is 30 years old for christ's sake. That goes to show he's lazy. Also a family friend of our gave him a shot at doing fences. After one month they stopped telling him to go cause he would go at like 1pm and say he was there from the morning. And his excuse was that he didnt go in the morning cause of traffic. As for him contrubuting, somewhat. He does some stuff around my aunts house where they are currently living until the finish up with their house. He does cook not all the time he was at one point a cook at a restaurant. He only cleans the leaves and when hes done he sleeps on the couch or goes out with his bum of a best friend (who doesnt work at all). Hr also does go shopping with my aunt. Ohh yeah when he does go to do work at his house he does 10 minutes of work (or more) until his buddie calls him and then they go and chill.

[Mythical_Suicide]

you keep saying that noone can say anything but yet you keep asking what you can do? I dont get it, there isn't anything you can do except stay out of their marriage. Who cares if people make fun of him and talk about him, so what? It's your cousins problem to worry about. I hate to sound so harsh about it but don't worry yourself over it, he could be doing alot worse .. IE Abusing her, cheating on her, etc etc things could be alot worse. IF she didn't like the way things were then she could always leave him since she is so financially stable.

[glegend]

Perhaps you said it best yourself:

 

 

 

If her income is enough to support them both, then they may have decided exactly that.

 

It may simply be a decision they've made themselves.

 

Your heart is in the right place. But I think you can help in other ways.

 

Well maybe I used it in the wrong context. I dont need a job to survive because I still live with my parents and go to school (high school to be exact). They havent decided anything cause if they did then he wouldnt be giving any resumes at all.

[annie24]

I also think you should stay out of it. she is a big girl, she walked into this marriage, so it is her responsibility to fix anything that is wrong. Besides, she will only get angry at you if you try to "make her see your way." even if he is a lazy bum, she, I'm sure, wouldn't appreciate an outsider critisizing her marriage.

 

I think you should be supportive of her, and keep your mouth shut. if she asks for your help SPECIFICALLY, then give her your 2 cents.

[glegend]

So basically I should not say anything, and watch her get hert. Maybe even in debt just because no one bothered to tell her to tell him to get a job.

[annie24]

don't you think she knows he doesn't have a job?

[glegend]

do you think she knows he doesn't have a job?

 

Yeah she knows he doesnt have a job. But I dont think she knows what he does during the day and what time he wakes up. And if he's looked at all.

[annie24]

how do you know what time he wakes up? I mean, she lives with him, you don't.

 

maybe she doesn't mind at all. You never know what goes on inside of a marriage.

[glegend]

how do you know what time he wakes up? I mean, she lives with him, you don't.

 

maybe she doesn't mind at all. You never know what goes on inside of a marriage.

 

I take my sister fresh lunch every day. I pass by cause the school is 1 block away from my aunts house, so I by to say hi and im knocking on the door and knocing on the door and no answer, his car is on the driveway, and I go to the back and look in the windows and he's sleeping on the couch.