Am I expecting too much from my relationship?

[rthiaugpuf]

I'm going to ramble about several diffrent things, so prepare yourself.

 

Me and my fiance have been together for a year, but known each other for longer, and we both like to think we have the perfect relationship, but lately I've been doubting that because I feel in a perfect relationship, I shouldn't be crying over the phone so much.

 

We're not living together...yet, but we are saving up and getting no where. He saved up almost $2,000 at one point, but then he revealed to me he was in major credit card debt, so I demanded he use it to pay that off first, which he did, and all was fine and dandy, except, now he's starting to get in credit card debt again because he has a terrible habbit of buying dvds.

 

When we first met, he had around 600 dvds that he had been collecting for years, and claimed his only reason for buying so much was out of his lonelyness. Now that we have been together for a year, and I expected the madness to slowly simmer out, it has gotten even worse. He is almost up to 1,000 dvds now, and he is buying them with money he doesn't even have. He's using his credit cards like a madman, but at least this time around he's paying it back little by little rather than it all add up to a ginormous amount, but it has brought me to tears a few times thinking about the financial trouble that may be lurking around our corner.

 

What really bugs me, is that we barely even have money for food! Yet he's spending money on dvds and even sometimes...action figures! (he is 22) and thankfully, I was able to convince him how ridiculous he was for buying action figures, and he stopped buying them so much...or so I thought. He recently admited he had bought a few more since he's been with me, and got really ashamed, and heck, I was embarrassed for him. Anyways, back to the food...We have been depending on my parents for feeding us way too much! And when there not around, again we're using credit cards (money we dont have) just to fill our tummies.

 

Now don't think he is all bad or something, I love him regardless of his habbits, and I've been helping him to fight them. We even made up a contract together for the new year that hes only allowed $40 a month for dvd buying, but I still feel he shouldn't need to buy them at all. He has almost 1,000 now, and has probally only seen about 300 of them. I asked him today what he will do in 2008 after the contract is up, and he made it seem like he's going right back to his old ways after the year is over!

 

I guess I'm just scared that I'd be making the wrong descion by moving in with him, and getting married. Some of my friends from school haven't been helping the situation either. One guy in particular had the nerve to tell me I could do much better (looks-wise) than him, which upset me because I have never been one to judge on looks, or even care for that matter, yet I am fully aware that we are a major case of Beauty and the Geek.

 

Now don't go judging him just yet, he says some of the sweetest things you can imagine to me, and he treats me well, doesn't hit me, but sometimes I feel as if he's just using lines out of movies on me, and they feel less meaningfull. The main reason I'd think that is because every now and then he slips into this different personality where he's extremely moody and snappy at me, and makes me feel like he doesn't even care about me, and it makes me cry and feel annoying when he uses that tone of voice with me, but he always says sorry and says its only because he worked real hard that day and is really tired, but I feel that that kind of behavior is inexcusable. I don't snap at him that way and I'm a woman! I thought the women were supposed to have PMS! I'll ask him a simple, what are you doing? And he'll reply with a frustrated, angered tone, when he could simply answer in his normal voice. It's ussually when we talk on the phone when his tempers rise like this, and I end up crying, and he ends up appologizing with the same old had a rough day excuse.

 

I'm also getting quite frustrated because I always leave him sweet and funny myspace comments, and he never even answers back or anything. I'll ask him if he read it, and he'l say yeah, you sweetie! Or something nice like that, and I keep hinting that I want sweet messages back too! I have even been sending him those cute e-cards that say I love you and stuff, and I'm always leaving him funny messages, I even flat out said in the message to write me back, but he never does. I know it may seem silly that I want him to send me a silly little e-card, but I want sweet random messages to brighten up my day like I do for him!

 

I guess I'm just worried I've made a mistake, and I'm in too deep. We are engaged, and we are both each others first loves. I really don't want to break up with him, I'm still madly in love with him, but things could be better, and that thought in my mind brings me to tears. I feel like there might be a better guy out there for me who will not only say sweet things in person, but leave me little notes of love too! He won't spend thousands of dollars on dvds, and then spend $50 on my christmas present (he just told me that tonight, and it made me want to cry) I really didn't want to know how much he spent on me, but when he told me that, I guess I was just expecting alot more since he always goes on and on about how much he loves me. I will just have to wait and see if the presents actually have some thought behind them, unlike my birthday present. He got me a cd player, when he's been in my room hundreds of times and knew I already had one that I never use anyway. I have just always wanted really thoughtfull gifts, and that just felt like a crap in the face when I went through so much trouble on his birthday cooking him a nice meal, getting all dressed up, romantic music, candles, the whole nine yards. and I know deep down the reason i do those special things is because I want him to do the same for me, but I have yet to feel that in return.

 

I know he loves me, I know I love him, but if he keeps dissappointing me, I might have room in my heart to start loving someone else and that scares me.

 

I want it to work out so bad, I know I mean the world to him, and if he didn't have me, he'd have nothing. I'm even afraid he'd kill himself if I ever broke up with him. But should I screw up my life to save someone else's? Maybe I'm not screwing up my life at all, I'm just being overly sensitive?

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like based on my story above you will have nothing to say to me except dump him, but what I wrote isn't exactly fair to him. I simply only put his bad side, and frankly, If I wrote the good side of him, I might as well start a novel.

 

I really don't even know why I'm putting this on here! I don't want to hear a bunch of people saying dump this loser, because you only know half of it. I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I know its normal to have these kind of problems, and we're lucky we have never been in a fight or even a shouting match. But he has made me cry with his moody behavior more than once.

 

I guess I just want your oppionion on the situation. Do you think he will change over time? Have you had a similar situation? Any ideas on how I can help him stop buying pointless items and stop with his snappy behavior (he is a cancer afterall, you know how snappy those crabs get!) Maybe we should make another contract?

 

Breaking up is not something I'm willing to do, that would be a real mistake.

 

Am I making something out of nothing?

Am I expecting too much from him?...he is a man afterall lol j/k

[rthiaugpuf]

UPDATE:

 

I typed all this right after we talked on the phone, and I just checked my mail and had this sweet wonderful message waiting for me...

 

(I took out the names, its not swearing lol)

 

"Hi there Sweetie!!! Its little ol me! ----! You know..your fiancee!!!! I just wanted to drop by to tell you that you are the most beautiful, kindhearted, sweet, loving, funny, wonderful, enchanting, mesmerizing, stunning, radiant, caring, amazing girl in the entire world and i'll love you with all my heart and soul every second of every day for the rest of my life. I can't wait to marry you and spend our days together cuddling and loving each other's company to the fullest. I cant wait to see you tomorrow so we can snuggle and play "KISS THE CUTIE!!". Well Sweets i'm gonna get to bed. Have a wonderful night my beautiful dreamgirl. You mean the world to me -----. I love you.

 

Eternally yours,

----"

 

Maybe I am just worrying too much.

[annie24]

hi - I dont think you are expecting much at all. you sound like you are thinking quite clearly and I commend you. You are right, he can be sweet, but if his shopping habits are just driving him into debt, he sounds like bad husband material. I have heard many times that the thing most first marriages break up over is money. (second marriages break up over the stepkids). You two need to come to a middle ground, and it sounds like he is a compulsive spender, he is probably really trying to fill a hole in his life. especially if he hasn't even watched most of the DVDs!

 

I think if you are serious about him, get couples counseling together, and maybe also a financial advisor. it sounds like he has his priorities seriously out of whack. I think you shouldn't marry him or even move in with him until he has gotten himself out of debt and on the right path and stayed that way for at least 6 months.

 

good luck

 

PS - remember - when you are married, his debt becomes your debt. many people have been put in a bad bad spot after their spouse wastes thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars on useless stuff, and you are held with the debt.

 

tell him to start selling off the dvds on ebay.

[FCTex]

Sometimes stress with work/school and finances puts a huge strain on a relationship..

 

If he can't keep his finances underwraps, it's going to be a huge problem.

 

If you keep pushing yourself and what you want on to him, and in his eyes, "changing him".. He will resist naturally, and it will but a wedge in the relationship..

 

It's fine to nit pick, but really pick and choose your fights, and when to get upset openly with him.. But again, if he buys a DVD, and won't bother to get a gallon of milk, and some bread, then there's some problems brewing in the horizon!

[rthiaugpuf]

I know his priorities are really out of whack, and I hope I can help him see that. I refuse to move in with him if he is in debt, and he knows that. I can't complain too much because its not like I have a ton of money to contribute to our savings, but at least I'm not wasting it away on things we don't need. I don't think we need couples councelling or a financial advisor at this point, seeing we are slipping out of the phase, for now, I'm worried though after 2007 is over with, he will forget about the contract and go nuts buying all the dvds he missed out on the year before. I just wish he would come up with a better reason as to why he needs to buy these things that he doesn't even use! He claims he's a collector, but to me, you should put your collection on hold when more important things come to your life. I think we will make it through this spending...but what about that ugly temper!? I don't think its bad enough to where he'd hit me (he knows he'd be out of my world immediately if he ever did that) but no one likes to be yelled at for no reason.

[annie24]

well, I think for himself, he needs to learn money management and get things under control. I think a financial advisor would be good, or you know, he should read some books by suze orman. she gives really good financial advise.

 

the problem isn't so much that he is in debt, it is that you two have such a drastically different view of money, and this can be a major problem in your marriage. I mean, if the baby needs formula and you send him out, but he goes and buys 5 DVDs but forgets to get milk, you guys are going to have serious problems!

 

A collector? That is one thing if you collect coins or stamps, those are things that can be resold later, for about the same amount of money as you did when you bought them.... but DVDs, they only go down in value, not up. it is a bad investment. I think you were right in setting a limit. I think 2 dvds a month, that is reasonable.

 

why doesn't he just get a subscription to netflix? I have it, unlimited movies a month, just $17. it is awesome.

 

he has a bad temper? what happened?

[rthiaugpuf]

omg Netflix became a worse problem when he subscribed to that. He ended up renting renting renting, only to later decide to buy. It was even more money down the drain, and thankfully he canceled it.

 

As for the temper, it has never ever been torwards me. He was trying to cook a pizza one night, and he got really really mad yelling at the dough because it wouldn't stretch out far enough to cover the pan. Just little weird things like that make him angry. I suppose its because he was making it for me, and got angry that he couldn't do something nice for me, which might even be why he's almost stopped trying to do special things for me, since we have a such a bad memory with that pizza incident. He was pounding the dough around and grunting angerly, and it even made me cry because I'm very scared of an abusive relationship, and seeing him in there kicking cuboards upset me since I know that could lead to spousal abuse. However, he is so gentle with me, he treats me like a rare flower or something, I could never in a million years imagine him hitting me, and he knows how I feel about it, and how I wouldn't put up with even a gentle slap.

 

Another time a glass dropped on his foot and he started swearing loudly and groaning, which sure, he was in pain, but all the yelling, I don't know it seemed uncalled for. I guess he can be a bit of a drama king.

[annie24]

that is weird about netflix, that it would make him buy more. i stopped buying DVDs once i got netflix. I know that whenever I am in the mood to watch something, I can put it on my list, and it is at my home 2 days later. or, I can walk one block to the video store.

 

really, I don't think I can over-emphasize to you that this is a problem, everything. I really think you sound like a rational person.

[veneratio]

That's tough. I'd be a little worried about his financial choices as well. My father was like that and of course that led to my parents getting divorced.

 

The one thing that caught my eye was the action figures. I dated someone for a couple of years that would always nag me about how I waste money on toys. Designer toys to be exact. Might seem like something small, but it wore on me, and that's one of the reasons we broke up.

 

As for the myspace comments, maybe he doesn't know what to say?

[Momene]

1000 DVDs. Think of all the astronomical equipment he could have bought with that money!

 

Seriously, ANY extreme personal spending is bad news, especially if you have kids. He'll have to stop as a precondition to getting married.

[annie24]

The one thing that caught my eye was the action figures. I dated someone for a couple of years that would always nag me about how I waste money on toys. Designer toys to be exact. Might seem like something small, but it wore on me, and that's one of the reasons we broke up.

 

I see that as different because action figures can be a collector's item if kept in the original box. I don't know - I would still be weirded out if I went to a guy's house and there were 300 action figures on the wall, but they at least retain their value. In 10, 15, 20 years when there is a new mode for watching movies, new type of disk, the DVDs won't be worth anything, just like how VHS tapes are worth almost nothing now.

[veneratio]

...see what as different?

[annie24]

collecting DVDs vs. Action figures. Action figures, at least their value can go up, if they are a special edition. DVDs, their value just drops.

[FCTex]

Yeah, but I think the bottomline is.. Regardless of what value they hold in the future based on condition and such- in the whole picture, it's an added burden to spend excessive amounts of money on said "hobby" while causing problems with basic living..

 

It's a little immature in my opinion to spend like that when you can't even afford a gallon of milk, and a loaf of bread.. There's a fine line between wanting and needing, and if it's crossed constantly and there isn't anyone being frugal, then it's going to be a pit of debt for both people.

[langford]

1000 dvds that is an illness.

[itsallgrand]

He is your fiance?

 

He isn't ready to get married. Very simple. He is still spending as a single guy.

 

That is ok, doesn't make him a bad person. I would personally be reconsidering the speed of the relationship here. You are both very young. Waiting could not hurt. It could help tremendously before taking drastic action.

 

Seriously do not recommend marrying or moving in with him, though, until or unless this is addressed. Maybe he won't be ready or able to change gears - you would need to be willing to accept and understand that and act accordingly if that is so.

First, you can lay it out for him in a calm manner. How it is affecting you. What you are looking for in a marriage, what your expectations are of him and for yourself, how things will be dallied up, who will do what work, all these important practical details in starting a life together.

 

Pre-marital councilling actually sounds perfect for you. Your relationship sounds like it has a solid footing.

It is way better to go before the big problems develop, than after you are married and in serious trouble.

Consider it the ounce of prevention! For a happy long marriage.

 

And, yeah, he does sound sweet....but he also was successful in temporarily distracting you for a real, important issue.

 

Good luck!