So Depressed

[sunflower71]

Hi there,

 

I had a long talk last night with my long distance partner (I'm going to call him Jim for simplicity). We discussed how I've developed feelings for someone else and that I did feel very, very bad about it....we both had hope and a lot of time invested into our relationship. I feel that I'm an evil, deceptive tramp of a woman for having strayed from Jim. He claims (and I believe him) that he has always been loyal to me. I explained how I felt that if it was really meant to be, that it would've been by now...after all these years. I tried to move where he is, and he could've moved where I am. He said that he always felt as if I was discouraging him to move to where I am. I can understand his feelings. Although I wanted him to move here, I didn't want to live in the same home immediately (wanted to see how things went...it's okay to take your time and I don't think you should co-habit unless you are absolutely sure). I was afraid that if he moved here, and it didn't work out, then I would've screwed his whole life over. I had tried to move where he was, but was so difficult. Lack of my profession in his community, I have a home, etc., etc. I'm a little more deeply engrained where I am, and it's not as easy for me to pick up and leave...whereas, he could have EASILY found work (I'm repeating myself from other posts...sorry). I have days where I'm not all that crazy or happy about my profession. It's stressful...but I think it's because of the nature of the industry that I practice in. If I chose a different industry to work in - I believe my job may be less stress, and more rewarding. Jim suggests that I quit my profession, and take a clerical job where there will be no stress and then I can live where he is. I've worked so hard to get to where I am, and I can't just walk away from my career and throw away all of the years of effort I put into obtaining my graduate degree. I'm also comfortable and satisfied with the quality of life that my career affords me. I can travel and I can provide myself with a home and the occasional extravagance. I do not have to struggle and I do not have to sacrifice to the point of being uncomfortable. If I was to work at a job that is a quarter of the salary I'm used to, I would be unhappy, and my lifestyle and long term plan would change. Here we are back on the is money everything discussion....Jim says that money isn't everything. I agree with him....but in order to have a life with the opportunities that I want and to practice what I've learned in my education, I need to remain in my career. If I do change my career, it will be to take further schooling so that I can remain in the same income category.

 

I can't help but think I will never get over this relationship. The pain today is so debilitating that I just cannot fathom how this will pass??? Maybe I will regret not throwing my career, my home, my lifestyle away for this man? Maybe if I had, I would've become resentful as I would've given up a lot more for the relationship than he had? Who knows?

 

Have any of you been through pain so bad that you couldn't bare to look at all of your photographs? You can't think of the person? Every gift they gave you, you place out of sight? Everything you see in your home is attached to a memory with him or her? Do you wish your memories could be wiped out to lessen your pain? How do you let go of your past...and try and look forward to the next chapter in life? How do you let go?

[dnozzle]

If you think you are in pain and hurting, just imagine how he feels.

[DN]

Don't take this the wrong way but the fact is that you did not love him enough - either to make sacrifices, or to compromise in some way, or to stay emotionally connected to him. Possibly he did not love you enough either.

 

I think you should both move on and find someone to whom you can commit without being required to make those sorts of sacrifices.

[sunflower71]

I just don't understand why it always has to be one person who makes the sacrifices. Seriously...I am a flexible person...but I also take pride in my accomplishments and do not think that it's fair that I would've had to give them all up so that he could continue to live where he wants, continuing doing what he wants, etc.

 

Is it wrong of me to not have wanted to make all of the sacrifices? How would any of you feel if you had worked really hard, and then had to give it ALL up???

[DN]

The problem is that what constitutes a sacrifice is very subjective. What to you may mean a huge thing may seem small to him and vice-versa. Having moved three thousand miles away from my home country after marriage I can understand why people are reluctant to move away from the place they feel most comfortable and at home.