Just Found out...Need advice

[desoba]

My wife of 6 years and mother of my 4 young children just recently confessed to having a one-night-stand with another man.

 

The only reason I think she confessed(otherwise I think she would of never told me) is that she went to the doctor and found out she was given Chlamydia from the guy she slept with. She called me from work that day crying and telling me I'm gonna hate her and divorce her because there is something she had to tell me. When she got home and told me that she was drunk and she slept with this guy, I didnt know what to say or do. She also told me she did use a condom, which I kind of find hard to believe. My heart felt like it dropped to my gut, then I felt anger like I never felt before.

 

The next few days I kinda kept to myself , and I couldnt get that picture out of my head. She told me that she wouldnt go out no more or ever talk to the the "OP" again or anything, then I finally told her I forgave her. For the next couple of days things were actually better than ever, I just wanted to be with her and love her and hold her and not let her go, but after a week or so it started to fade off and I find myself picturing that over and over and getting mad. I try not to throw it in her face but I just get so mad I find a way to bring it up and start a fight. She always tries to say "it was a mistake I am sorry It will never happen again", but I dont know what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I need to get revenge somehow, but that probably wouldnt be the best thing to do. I just wanted to tell somebody so thats why I'm here.

 

If anyone has any advice or anything that could help me please do.

[Day_Walker]

I think the best thing to do is take some time and decide on what exactly you want to do. Take as long as you like but you need to make a decision.

[amtjrtcet]

Welcome to ENA...........I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Infidelity hurts so much. And its impossible to forget, but if you chose to forgive and you truly want to continue your marriage it can't be something that you continue to bring up every time you get mad. Things will never work like that. Revenge isn't the answer either.

Have you thought about marriage counseling??

[southerngirl]

First of all welcome to enotalone. I hope you stick around.

 

Oh my, Im sure right now you are feeling very angry and betrayed and sad and all kinds of things. Have you thought about going to seek counseling with her or separately?

 

You have to decide if you want to work this out and then try to come to a place of forgiveness. it may get worse before it gets better. If she wants to make it up to you she is going to have to rebuild that trust that she lost.

[hosswhispra]

What she did to you by having a ONS with another man is a tough pill to swallow. I think that you have every right to be feeling the way you are right now. She put you at risk when she had sex with this other man. I wish I knew what advice to give you. I think that Day Walker's advice about taking sometime to think about it and make a decision (that is best for you) is the correct first step.

[chai714]

I think the question is how can you forgive her (if you want to) and control yourself from becoming passive aggressive.

 

The human mind feels as if it needs to "make things even" and in this case, sorry hardly accomplishes that. So how do you deal with something like this? I know time would play a factor in being able to forgive her and eventually, trust her again. But how do you cope meanwhile? Would leaving her for a while be a viable option? I would think so. It may give you time to ingest this whole situation and gain perspective on your relationship with her. It's probably what I would do in your situation. I would also explain to the kids that daddy is going to visit some friends for bit so that they understand why you're not there - if you choose to go this route.

[desoba]

So far all the advice is very helpfull, but it would be very hard to go to counseling with 4 children under the age of 5 and not much family around to watch over them. I thought abput leaving for awhile, but then I thought why would I want to be away from my kids because she messed up.

[southerngirl]

Not every marriage that experiances infidelity has to end.

 

You do not have to leave, those are your kids and your family and your wife. If you love her, try to find a path to forgiveness.

[Bethany]

I don't think you should leave either. A one-off drunken mistake can be forgiven if thats what you want and even though it will be hard, with time this feeling of rage will pass. For the sake of your marriage and your children, I think you both should try to work incredibly hard to put this behind you and not let is destroy the marriage and love you have for each other.

[Hope75]

So far all the advice is very helpfull, but it would be very hard to go to counseling with 4 children under the age of 5 and not much family around to watch over them. I thought abput leaving for awhile, but then I thought why would I want to be away from my kids because she messed up.

 

I think if you both are going to be able to get past this and move to a place that is healthy for both of you and for the children, you are going to have to make the effort to seek counseling for this.

 

If you have to- hire a baby sitter for a few short hours a week. Isn't your marriage worth it? It's obviously not working with the two of you trying to "fix it" on your own.

 

I really think an objective, professional opinion to help you get through it is the only thing to do.

[desoba]

I finally got a reason out of her today. She said that this guy made her feel beautiful and always said nice things to her(apparently the things I wasnt saying to her) and always complimented her on her body after having four kids,(which I must say is absolutely stunning after having 4 kids).

She also said when we fight I was always mean to her and called her names, and this guy was always so nice to her. I really dont recall ever being that mean.

 

I know that doesnt give her an excuse, and I'm not going to blame myself for this.

[Hope75]

Did you talk to her about considering counseling?

 

What did she say?

 

It seems to me that her reasons are things that were lacking in her relationship with you- things that could possibly be worked out with the help of a therapist, if that was what you both wanted.

[Iceman26]

Out of curiosity, how did a mother of four young children under the age of 5 find the time to meet another man and have a drunken one night stand?

 

The reason I ask is that this shows an apparent lack of responsibility for herself and your family, given that she also contracted an STD.

 

If you want to salvage this relationship then I agree that you should seek counseling.

[desoba]

I havent really talked to her about counseling. I really dont believe in counselling, with someone who has just studied about it, and hasnt really had any personal experience with it. I'd rather listen to people like you guys who can give me some advice because of personal experience.

 

About Iceman's comments, we each had a night out a week, I would go out after work on a tuesday and play cards for a few hours, and I she would go out on Friday to have some drinks with friends.

[Iceman26]

I havent really talked to her about counseling. I really dont believe in counselling, with someone who has just studied about it, and hasnt really had any personal experience with it. I'd rather listen to people like you guys who can give me some advice because of personal experience.

 

I agree with you to a certain extent about counseling, however unlike here, where the advice is just for you, counseling might be good to resolve your problems as a couple.

 

If you want my opinion I'd leave the marriage as amicably as I could. A married woman shouldn't be putting herself in a situation like that and once someone cheats I am done man.

 

Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck.

[Rabican]

I would be very very mad... very very very mad... Divorce.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I guess this is one good reason not to get really drunk when out with friends and away from family... could this be an indication that she has a drinking problem, by that i mean, getting really drunk every Friday night? drinking can seriously lower one's inhibitions and cloud judgment... not an excuse for her behavior, but maybe an explanation... if really gets really drunk every Friday night, she might be a binge drinker, and still need to attend AA and learn how that drinking can lead to behaviors that can ruin your life... one doesn't have to drink a lot every day to have a problem with alcohol, so that bears looking into.

 

i know you keep repeating this incident in your head (seeing her with the other guy) and feeling jealous, but really, if she was super drunk, she can probably hardly remember it herself! i doubt that the man himself was important at all, just WAY too much to drink, compounded by whatever feelings of stress a mother of 4 children under 5 can have led to an indiscretion...

 

a woman with that many children probably feels like she is just a 'mommy' and is suspectible to flattery or feeling romance... again, not an excuse, but there are plenty of unscrupulous men out there who would try to take advantage of a woman, and look for weak spots and will lie and flatter to tempt a woman into sex...

 

so my suggestion is to keep talking with her, and really find out if she has a continual drinking problem that might warrant AA attendance. people do all kinds of things when drunk that they would NEVER do sober, so that might be a lot of the problem here, if she stays sober, then you will not have this problem again.

 

the other suggestion is that your one day a week apart should be an all girls or all boys night, and she should NOT be going out and acting like she is single, just meeting with her women friends in a less dangerous environment... dinner and drinks is fine, but you should go with her for those nights, and she should go shopping or sports activities or whatever with the girls, not out meeting with women and hence other men in bars.

 

since you have 4 very young children depending on both of you, i would suggest you try to work through these problems for everybody's sake. if she ever does it again, THEN i would seriously consider divorce. but you need to do lots of talking and she needs to demonstrate that she is trustworthy, and stay out of bars and other places where she might drink too much and meet men by herself. sometimes one event like this is so traumatic that it will never happen again, but she needs to demonstrate that she is serious about it never happening again too.

 

and revenge always sounds like a good idea at the time and gives a brief surge of adrenaline, but only leaves you feeling empty and exhausted later, and doesn't solve any problems you might have as a couple, just compounds them.

 

best of luck, and keep talking to each other, for your children's sake... also keep in mind that child support for 4 children is probably huge, and if the children are young, most likely physical custody will go to the mother, regardless of a single incident of infidelity, and you will be paying for 2 households, yours and theirs, if you divorce... better to spend that money improving your relationship, and building a stable family life for your children.

[doyathink]

In one post you mentioned the word 'always' a few times. If this was a one night stand then how could someone swoop her off her feet in that short amount of time?

 

It sounds as tho you dont want to leave...and thats your decision. This is going to take a lot of time...you wont heal over this for a while. She needs to be honest and open with you about everything you need or ask of her. She has to understand that she has a LOT of proving to do and even then...you may never get completely over this....which, may end the marriage later.

 

I wish you all the best and I hope for your sake you get tested and are clear.

[puppeteer]

hey bud,

 

don't discredit counseling. my therapist has been a godsend. it's not about their personal experience with infidelity...it's about them listening to you and asking questions, which make you think. thinking makes you process and deal with your emotions and issues.

 

it's a good thing. i recommend therapy for you alone to deal with your anger, and a marriage counselor to help you and your wife.

 

just my thoughts though...take it as you will.

 

best to you.