Wow.... Been 3 weeks of NC.... I thought it was meant to be...

[Benson]

Hey guys and gals. I noticed alot of people on this forum are sharing their problems and I think thats awesome. Im askin for a little insight on this one as I dont have a clue what to think.. But it hurts... alot.

 

 

 

My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me about a month ago, we were at my house (we were about to get intimate) all of a sudden she gets up, puts her clothes back on and says "I cant do this anymore, when I kissed you earlier I felt nothing, I have to go".....

 

She has always had a problem expressing her feelings anywhere and is a very shy and sheltered girl of 19, (17 when I met her, I was 20) out of school for 2 years, doesnt know what to do with her life.... She was also a virgin when she met me, so I was her first sexual partner. I always tried to push her and try to get her self esteem up all the time because she doesnt think very highly of herself, and I wanted to help her the best I could... But I loved her for who she was...

 

I know she loved me with all her heart... But when I called her up the monday after, she says that she 'wants to be alone'... I asked her if she cared for me anymore and she said she didnt know, and that she didnt think so...... Our relationship was good, for the most parts, some fighting here and there, no cheating... She just gets up and leaves me without telling me why.... And says shes been unhappy and she didnt know why until she broke up with me... and that shes happy now.. * * *??? I always asked her if anything was wrong and how she was feeling from time to time and she said fine.... All the way up until the break... She even told me she loved me on the night she broke up with me.. !?

 

 

And i KNOW theres not another person

grrr it STILL hurts after almost a month.

[dnozzle]

I'm right there with you dude. 3 weeks for me too after 1 glorious year. She didn't say she didn't still love me, but that she felt like she was losing herself in the sea of mommy and girlfriend, so she needed to take time for herself.

 

And yes, it does suck. It sucks bad. But the best thing you can do is back off and give her the space she needs to get her head right. If she really did love you, she will realize that. If she didn't, then you are better off finding out now than after you marry her.

 

Remember...if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

[Benson]

Yea thanks alot! I figured the same thing... I saw her friend like 2 wks after the break up and I kind of broke down crying... she told me that my ex was confused and she doesnt even know what she wants

 

Im just so used to helping her, (and I know a relationship cant be 99/1, she rarely did anything to keep it interesting) I feel pain both for her, and for me.

Hehe... Love does hurt, BADLY... I think I lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks after the split.... really unhealthy... But I realize that only time will tell.

[survival21]

hey man i feel for you except me and my ex gf have been broken up for over 3 months now with pretty much no contact at all. I ended up haning out with her friends 2 weeks later which was really hard. I lost 10 pounds also in 2 weeks. But after the hard days and long nights have gone by, everything looks better. My ex pretty much lost all her feelings for me as well. Our relationship was good. there were arguments here and there but nothing to out of the ordinary. The best thing you can do is just work on yourself and give her all the space she needs. Just keep thinking to yourself why would u want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you. My ex claimed she loved me also but people change. There are other people out there just not at the moment because you dont want anyone else. Use this time for urself also and heal. Dont wait around because you could be waiting around forever. Everything will come into view and you will find the way you once knew. Just hang on

[dnozzle]

You might want to consider doing some reading on codependence. It is not your job to help her through this or to feel her pain. Embrace YOUR pain and deal with that while she deals with her own. Then, when and if she decides to come back, you will both be feeling better about yourselves and can start again on equal ground. If she comes back and find that you melted into a puddle without her around, she will be in control from that moment on, and probably won't stick around very long. Ask yourself: would YOU want to be with someone who couldn't function without you on their arm all day? If your answer is yes, then you might have some codependency issues. If the answer is no, then it should be clear to you why it is important for you to start working on healing yourself now.

 

And if she never comes back, at least you have done the work to heal yourself. You will be happier and more prepared to move on to someone else.

[Benson]

so very true guys. thanks for the advice. I dont know why I didnt care about her having issues... We talked about it and talked about it, and I (thought) everything was ok.

 

I told my ex that I was understanding on how she cant express herself all the time, and that I trusted her with everything I have. I had asked her to promise me that she wouldnt get up and leave me for no reason, because she couldnt tell me how she was feeling (this was like 8 mnths into the relationship) She swore to me that she wouldnt do that... And she did.....

 

 

dnozzle, your post pretty much sums up what I've been thinking. I hated having control of the relationship, she wouldnt make any decisions for herself/us at really any time..

 

I am asking myself right now if I want to be with someone thats so dependant on others..... awesome help guys.

 

 

edit: I think she just has some growing up to do emotionally...

[dnozzle]

I told my ex that I was understanding on how she cant express herself all the time, and that I trusted her with everything I have. I had asked her to promise me that she wouldnt get up and leave me for no reason, because she couldnt tell me how she was feeling (this was like 8 mnths into the relationship) She swore to me that she wouldnt do that... And she did.....

 

 

 

You could be talking about my situation here, so I do feel for you. But again, this is all about HER. You need to focus on YOU right now. What do YOU want out of this or any relationship? What is important to YOU?

 

As for her, she is in a confused place right now, and if you don't respect her request for space, you will just confirm her decision for her. Don't do that. Allow her the space to draw her own conclusions and she will. Now I can't promise they will be good, but I can just about promise that not giving her space will give bad results.

 

As for control in a relationship, that is different for everyone. Some people thrive on being in charge of everything. Others thrive on being in charge of nothing. For me, I thrive on equality. You will have to find your own comfort zone of that, and seek out a partner who fits into that situation.

[Benson]

heh yeah most definitely... I guess this is just one big learning experience.....

a painful one. I know what everyone here is going through... (well the pain anyways) and im grateful to have you guys here.

[Benson]

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done... I just dont understand how she could just get up and leave me like that... Giving really no reason.....

[Benson]

Well Im giving her all the space in the world now, I highly doubt it if shes going to call or even come back..... Thanks for the codependancy stuff, i read it and it pretty much described her...

[Benson]

anyone else have any insight on my situation?? Should I just forget about this woman forever??? It hurts waaay too much to think about her....

[jessicake]

don't forget about her... she has helped you grown into the person you are!

 

but it might be wise to move on and concentrate on yourself..

 

she seems like she needs to be alone.. or grown independently of you. her being 19 is a tough age.. you find freedom and youth that you will never have again... its an awkward age and is an age or curiosity.

 

she probably wants to know what is out there... many many couples at 18-23 break up because of that....

[Benson]

Yeah, its weird.. Shes like the chick who would never even touch a guy without being slapped in the face with the fact that he really likes her.... Even that would scare her lol.... I think shes just too young emotionally... She had a very sheltered upbrininging, and im sure there was something going on behind the scenes as a kid for her too.. I think she's just very afraid and doesnt know what to feel. But I digress...

 

 

NC DOES WORK PEOPLE! I feel better every day. I mean, I still want to talk to her, but when I think about it, shes not worth it, if she can end it or be unhappy when I tried my best with her, shes not the one, and I cant make someone love me that doesnt even love herself!!

 

 

To all those that are trying NC: It does work.. 100%... It gets better and better believe it or not!

[Benson]

now shes had a chance to miss me, and nothing! not even an email. what the heck.... I dont know why people do this, over absolutely nothing, it just doesnt make sense.... Running away from someone that never hurt you in the first place and all of a sudden its just out of sight out of mind?? come on, there has to be more to it..

[need2bme]

Benson: Remember, as you pointed out in the post before your last;

 

NC is for you!

 

I know it blows, trust me I know. I got to break up with 2 people this year and all it does is hurt when I contact the latter of the 2. I should say though, that the latter fling help me get over the ex, but you would think that the former relationship would allow me the knowledge of NC making it better.

 

Hang in there...stay strong with NC.

[Benson]

Thanks for the encouraging words, need.. I know what I must do, just sucks when I didnt get any closure from someone I trusted for 2 years to tell me the truth..

[Benson]

Why do girls play with a mans true love? I hope this is very hard for her.. Even though shes playing it like its not... She seems to be 100% okay, I just dont know how thats possible as a human to just forget 2 years and say 'oh by the way i was unhappy and i didnt know why, until we broke up'

 

and not even call or anything... she is heartless... and doesnt deserve my time..... arg

 

I want to move on but im not ready.. I want someone else to share my life with right now, and be with... But im just not ready for that yet..

[whenamansloveisreal]

my 2 cents - i hope this helps. even though my ex never told me why she broke off with me and has been in NC since 1988 [lol] i believe it is because:

1. at the time, she had lost her identity, who she was [not co-depend], see she lived in my house, i paid the bills, she really didn't get a chance to relax after the move - so it was like she was still in limbo because if she wanted to paint the cabinet, she felt she needed to ask me - so in a sense my care robbed her of her sense of self.

2. i got depressed and addicted and frightened the heck out of her and she believed i would never get better after she did all she could

3. she came out of a 10 year relastionship - hookup up with me without a real break - so she needed space

4. she is a single mom, was going to university, juggling jobs and a new love

5. she has health issues as does her daughter

6. i held her to close and also made her anxious

7. not enuff hummina hummina

 

so, while i would love to be with her - she needs, as i did, time to work out the kinks - whatever happens down the road - no one knows

 

she knows i care and love her and wish her happiness in whatever she does and that i cherish the time we had and hope she follows her dreams

[Benson]

Thanks for the reply. I was never told about anything, by her no signs no nothing that she was remotely unhappy... The only reason why I can think she would do this is as you said, she felt she lost herself, but I just cant see any reasoning behind her actions.

[blender]

The first thing you can try to understand, is to NOT take this break up personally. I'm sure there is no real "reason' that she discovered she was unhappy, but if you grasp the truth that you are also NOT responsible for her "happiness" then you can understand you are also not responsible for her being "unhappy".

 

I also think so much of this has to do with her age, and where she is in life, and from reading your thread, I think she would be "going through a break up" right now, no matter who she was dating.. do you know what I mean?

 

This is just part of her "emotional journey".. she was very young when you met/strarted dating, and that particular 17yrs old to 19, well that "two year span" is a big personal maturity growing/finding yourself type of years especially for a girl..

 

so instead of "wanting a reason" just try to be in "acceptance" that this is not about YOU, it's part of HER emotional journey right now, and she would probably be going through all this no matter what.. it's part of the "I was just a kid when we started going out and I need to break out of this cacoon for awhile, and flap my wings, strengthen my own sense of self, find my own emotional legs..." So as far as a "reason", well the above might be a bit difficult to articulate.. so it may just be a compliment to you, that all she could do was just say, "I'm not happy goodbye".. because as I've said, it's not about YOU, it's just part of where she is emotionally, age wise, life experience wise, and she needs to flap her wings, and fly a bit on her own.. it's normal... do not take it personally...

[whenamansloveisreal]

now that i have return to the land of the sane minds i fully grasp that it is not personal - she is doing whatever she needs to do - and i wish her well. everyone goes thru something like this - i prefer to do it with a partner and build memories - she needs to do that alone. no right or wrong just unique. and frankly, see deserves to be have this freedom - i would never hold her back - i just wanted to be with her on the trip. i just know she will find whatever it is she is searching for. she always had. she decided that we must move in different directions and i respect that. i wish her much joy and happiness. i cherish the time we had. no regrets. 2007 is a fresh start for us both.

[blender]

Well, you never know, I don't think it's about "moving in DIFFERENT directions", you'll most likely discover that you are both moving in the same direction, and that is "forward".

[Benson]

Do you guys think writing her a letter after i get over her would be a good idea??

[Benson]

I want to write an e-mail or something, so bad... But I can feel myself getting over this.... Still want her to know how I feel but its not worth it is it?

[A James Z]

I know you said this was her first relationship, so what it sounds like she is doing is being immature with your feelings. And older girl, of say 27+, probably would not be acting like this, but in general girls can be very, very WEIRD!

 

The girl I had been dating (age 24) had quite a few really bad relationships with dirt bag guys that didn’t treat her right. But, she stuck it out with them for a number of years, ended up getting really hurt, and she is now pretty much damaged goods.

 

I too have had some pretty horrendous breakups with all sorts of cheating and lying and all that going on. I lost a lot of trust in women, until I found the girl who has just recently dumped me. We had something in common – really bad break ups. I told her that I would never cheat or lie to her, and I would always be honest with my feelings. She felt the same way, and our relationship took off very fast. Yet, moving too fast could have been our downfall. Even though I was the greatest guy she had ever been with, a couple weeks ago she wasn’t giving me time, and when I asked for more, she felt like I was pressuring her and she couldn’t deal with all that was going on in her life (there is more the story of course).

 

Sometimes, you don’t even have to treat a girl bad for them to break up with you. You can even treat them TOO well, and their feelings can change. There is neither rhyme nor reason. I was literally the guy she had been looking for. She told me she never met anyone as good as me. But, it also seemed like she had self-esteem issues, because she would often tell me she felt like she was competing with me and that I was too good and too nice. I laughed it off saying that she only needed to be herself, because I liked everything about her, but girls dealing with low self-esteem, who get depressed often, are damaged goods, or are immature about relationships and love, can snap at any moment.

 

To tell you the absolute truth, I never broke it off with a girl, ever. Even when that girl did something very horrible, I was willing to work it out. Even in my worst relationship we parted on good terms because we both knew her lifestyle was just too out of control for either of us to be together (long story).

 

So, ask yourself: Did you really want to be with one the rest of your life? You are what, 22 years old? Man, there are so many great women out there that you can learn so much form. Yeah, having a steady girlfriend is great, especially for guys like us. I love to shower a woman with love and affection, and having great sex with someone you trust and care for is what its all about.

 

I am not one to go out to bars and have one night stands. Sure, I have had them, but they make you feel really bad the next day if you never have a desire to call them. And, dating a girl for 1-2 months and having sex with them, only to find out you are not compatible is tough on you as well. That’s why taking things slow is really the key. Even if things are great in the first 6 months to even a year, if you don’t have a solid bond it could go at any moment, just like mine.

 

I say, do the no contact and just let her go. Find another girl and do a little more screening before you get too serious. I have the bad habit of choosing girls that first choose me. If I meet a nice girl through some friends, and we end up kissing, I stop everything right there to pursue only her. And I am totally comfortable with moving fast, because ultimately I want a steady relationship as soon as possible, I hate waiting around. Even if she isn’t right, that’s my best option and I always take it. Maybe that’s what you did. She was young, a virgin, and you thought you could really have something together. But a girl with a lack of confidence and a lot of emotion issues needs time to grow for herself, and you really wont affect much by telling her how great she is, she needs to discover that for herself.

 

I love my girl that dumped me, but this is my third hard break up, and I am starting to get used to it by now. I am going to do a speed dating thing in a week or two and try to go out and meet and talk with some new girls. You are finally free! Go have some more experiences, and let your girl figure herself out. I have never had a girl come back to me, but maybe you guys can work it out after you have had a couple flings. =)

 

Good luck man.