how long before you know you're attracted to someone?

[marthamydear]

so, i've been out on two dates with a guy. he is very nice, has a good job, is a hard worker, very intelligent, respectful, not too ugly, and apparently interested in me. the dates have both gone well, and we've both had a good time, but honestly not much flirtation or chemistry. i felt pretty neutral about seeing him both times. well, on date #2 he gave me a rose. i have to admit, i was a bit taken aback. a rose on the 2nd date! eek!

 

at this point, i haven't found myself attracted to him at all. my friends always tell me i'm too quick to judge guys, so i've given this one a try by going out with him twice. he's a really great guy, but there's just no "spark" there, at least on my end. the dates have been fine and i've had a good time, but i'm just not attracted to him.

 

so what do i do? keeping going out with him and hope he grows on me? how long do you give someone to "grow" on you before you know?

 

another factor-- i was in a brief relationship a few months ago that i'm not quite over yet. i fell intensely in love with a guy, and he cut me off after having sex with me a few times, no warning or anything. it's been mutual nc for 3 months now. he broke my heart, the first time anyone had truly broken it. i'm still not over him, and although i know it's over, there's some small part of me that hopes one day he will realize what he did and want me back. so, i'm not sure if my fixation on this relationship is skewing my views on the new guy. how do i know? should i keep seeing him? is it just the old guy who is keeping me from be attracted to the new one?

[HellFrost666]

Well, if you are really attracted to somone you know right away.

[Weeblie]

That's what I was thinking too.

You could probably keep dating this guy, but I doubt your feelings will change. Especially since you're still not over your ex. I think you need someone that's more distracting.

[zrehman]

Make sure you consider this guys feelings as well. Just because you are not sure what you want and if you keep drawing this out, he might get more attached to you and in the end when you realize that you don't want anything more but friendship with him, you will end up hurting him. If you don't see a spark or any chemistry after the two dates, I would just be honest and let him know what your feeling and thinking. He does have a right to know. Goodluck!

[shygirl79]

It could be that your heart is still distracted by your ex. If it were me I would just be honest with the new man and tell him that while you think he is nice, you arent over your ex. Better to do it now than to let him get really attached to you.

 

SG79

[jimthzz]

friendzone him, don't lead the guy on thinking he has a chance for romance with you.

[hosswhispra]

 

at this point, i haven't found myself attracted to him at all. my friends always tell me i'm too quick to judge guys, so i've given this one a try by going out with him twice. he's a really great guy, but there's just no "spark" there, at least on my end. the dates have been fine and i've had a good time, but i'm just not attracted to him.

 

so what do i do? keeping going out with him and hope he grows on me? how long do you give someone to "grow" on you before you know?

 

 

Hey Martha,

 

I know some people personally that married people that they did not feel a 'spark' for. Two of them are headed for divorce now. I know that you've only had two dates with this man but if you don't feel any spark or chemistry--then I would advise you to stop seeing him. If the spark isn't there on your end then it will never be there. Trust yourself.

 

Since you're still having feelings for your ex, you may not be fully healed. That makes dating all the more difficult.

 

Hang in there,

hosswhispra

[Batya33]

I disagree with this to this extent. Give it at least 4 or 5 dates and then if you do not feel a spark call it quits (although my guess is you are not open to feeling the spark because of the other guy). I completely disagree that the spark has to be there from the get go and indeed a very strong spark can often mean "danger" because then you don't focus on whether the guy is compatible with you in other ways other than this strong indescribable connection. I have ignored red flags because of ultra strong sparks. On the other hand a "slow pot to boil" allows you to be a bit less blinded/smitten and get to know the real person.

 

My other guess - this man is sending off vibes of desperation/clinginess and that is a turn off.

 

I dated a lovely guy a few years ago 4 times - the first date, no spark, the second date - potential spark - and same with the third - but the 4th - I found him whiny and a little annoying - no spark. I was honest with him and he really appreciated it. I have to say though at times I wondered if I called it quits too soon because he was such a lovely guy but I promised myself that if I ever contacted him it would be to suggest lunch during the week so that I wouldn't lead him on and then I could see if there was a spark. I ended up not doing that.

 

There was another guy who was super-attractive - and a gentleman - and. . . I felt nothing - not a flicker. We had pleasant conversation, I felt comfortable enough with him - but there was this weird wall/sort of coldness emanating from him. But, he kept asking me out. I might have seen him 5 times but I believe it was only 4 and I told him I had started dating an ex again (which was true). I was surprised that I didn't "melt" from his looks but. . .. nope. That has happened more than once to me.

[Tears May Fall]

attraction is not a choice...you simply either feel it or you dont

Now deciding whether you want to continue dating him or pursue a relationship with this individual, that can take time, and there is no definite answer for that...but like i said, you usually feel it without thinking about it, and if that were the case, then that would mean you like him...but in your case, if theres any other doubts or negative thoughts in your head, even the slightest ones, you probably like the fact that he likes you and shows you good company, but nothing more. The interest isnt true from your end. Time will only catch upto you and tell you that you'll never unconditionally like this guy, and it'll only get uglier as time goes along. Spare his feelings now.

[annie24]

hey! we are in the same boat. I know exactly how you feel, I am going through this right now.... I guess for me, I will give it a few more dates and see what happens.

 

Basing relationships on something intangible as "chemistry" or "spark" can be dangerous, especially if you are overlooking red flags. How many of us have fallen head over heels for "the wrong person?"

 

I mean, I know chemistry and romance are very important, but if you are like me, you have a history of picking really exciting men, lots of excitement, but little shared interests/values. If this is your pattern, then maybe it is good to give a nice, even going guy a try?

[crazy300]

Its usually immediate. But sometimes, it takes a while...especailly if u get to know them..or see them in a different light then u can be much later too!

[Batya33]

hey! we are in the same boat. I know exactly how you feel, I am going through this right now.... I guess for me, I will give it a few more dates and see what happens.

 

Basing relationships on something intangible as "chemistry" or "spark" can be dangerous, especially if you are overlooking red flags. How many of us have fallen head over heels for "the wrong person?"

 

I mean, I know chemistry and romance are very important, but if you are like me, you have a history of picking really exciting men, lots of excitement, but little shared interests/values. If this is your pattern, then maybe it is good to give a nice, even going guy a try?

 

Someone I know who is very happily married had very weak interest in her husband on the first four dates and then something clicked, big time.