Rejected by eHarmony!!!

[Celestial Fire]

My sister has been nagging me to use eHarmony because it's been 2.5 years since I had a broken engagement (his decision) and I haven't dated or met anyone since. Even before that, I've had a sketchy relationship history. I've been divorced for 10 years, will be 46 in a couple of weeks and have spent most of those 10 years alone or in super-brief relationships.

 

I've gotten to the point where I want to give up. I'm suffering from depression, just got diagnosed and put on meds. I've lost two jobs this year (layoffs) and although once again employed, it's work that I hate. I live in an urban area and commute and I hate it all. So it's not like there's anything else in my life making me happy at this point!

 

So, I took the eHarmony test this morning. It seemed rigged to me, to begin with. You're told to answer truthfully, but you can see that if you do, you may be construed as some kind of "weirdo." It's all very skewed to the mainstream, average person. Obviously, if you answer the questions the right way (even though they assure you there is no wrong or right), you're in like a greased weasel. You just have to make sure that you make out that you're extroverted, fun-loving, have lots of friends, participate in lots of activities, are always happy and never get angry! I'm sure I could retake the test, tell them what they want to hear and be allowed to join. Should I? Seems pointless if I'm only going to be matched to other people who are either lying like myself or have a fairly uncomplicated personality which is easy to match. If they let in enough oddballs, wouldn't they be able to match oddball to oddball instead of telling you in so many words that you're an aberration?

 

I realize that in the grand scheme of things, this probably means nothing. But on top of everything I'm dealing with, and the fact that I'm chronically single, this feels as though I'm being told that there is something terribly wrong with you and there is no on in the world who would want to be with you because we at eHarmony know a weirdo when we see one.

 

I can't help but feel like s**t.

[musicguy]

you can join if you want. I've been on e-harmony for awhile and I've gotten no replies, but it's not like it won't possibly work out for you. You can always try it for awhile and if you don't like it you can delet your profile. I like you have been single for a long time and it sucks

[Hope75]

Are you honestly ready and willing to date again?

 

Or are you doing this to appease your sister?

[laboheme]

Cha-ching! Your criticism of eHarmony is the same as mine...You summed it up so nicely. They say that what, 20% of the people wouldn't benefit from the service...to me, that's a large enough percentage to let those "oddballs" in and let them find each other.

 

I think of it this way -- if I was rejected, it just means that I'm true to myself...and I take pride in that.

[annie24]

hey - I am sorry that was your experience with eharmony. Well, at least they told you they did not have enough matches in the system for you, so you didn't spend $30 a month or whatever to get no matches.

 

I have been doing eharmony for a while. I guess I am more "mainstream", I get about 5-6 matches per day. I just had an eharmony date last night, and had a relationship with a guy I met on there last year. So my experience has been more positive.

 

My question is similar to hope's, are you ready to date?

 

Something to think about.... I have the same thoughts also, but maybe you should try to get your life on track before finding a partner to share it with? I mean, try to get involved in some activities, try to meet new friends, etc.... dating can really be hell and if you're not emotionally in a good place, it won't be good.

[Celestial Fire]

Granted, Hope75, I'm depressed right now and am not in top form. But I'm more than ready to date. I've suffered from chronic depression my whole life, and it didn't impair my 11-year marriage or from being in other relationships. It was invariably the other person's issues which ended everything. I function very well even with depression -- most people don't know I suffer from it. So, yes, I've thought about whether I'm ready, given my circumstances. I am. I thought that maybe my sister's nagging might pay off if I at least tried it out.

 

musicguy -- I agree. Being single sucks. It's no fun going through life -- good times AND bad -- alone. Yes, you become very self-sufficient, stable and strong, but what does all of that mean if you are alone on a desert island? You can become the most wonderful person in the world being alone, but if you have no one to express yourself to it's like the old saying about if a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, does it make a sound?

 

laboheme -- It would seem that being true to yourself only works in the movies. It's a nice idea, but it doesn't go over real big in real life. You must conform to the norm in order to reap the rewards of society. I can't, and wouldn't if I could. I guess we just have to stand strong, huh?

[pianoguy]

Try using the Yahoo personals instead- I met my boyfriend of 1 year on there. It's nice, because you can create a free profile and browse for free. You only pay when you want to contact someone- you don't pay if someone contacts you (unless they're a moron and don't give you their e-mail or IM when they contact you.)

 

I know internet dating isn't much fun, but it does work, and it will give you something constructive you can do to better yourself.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

keep in mind that depression colors everything! you might answer those questions differently if you were less depressed... besides, there are tons of dating websites out there, why does it have to be e-harmony?

 

it sounds like you have a lot of bricks on your load right now, so why not focus on doing things to lighten you load in areas of your life that are contributing to depression, that are more easily under your control right now. if you hate this job, then keep on looking for one that you'd like better. if the commute is miserable, work on changing your job location or home location, or moving to another city entirely that is less urban...

 

the best advice i can give you is to not focus on the fact that you have been chronically single, but focus instead on the fact you might have been chronically depressed, and work on getting out of that depression as best you can. when you are depressed EVERY little thing or issue seems insurmountable and miserable, so you need to focus on getting healthier, exercising, doing things that are known to lift depression.

 

and work the the immediate problems of a job/commute you hate, because being overtired and stressed can contribute to depression.

 

and keep in mind that everyone who is depressed feels like a freak who doesn't fit in anywhere. you're just depressed, and that makes you feel miserable, and everything seen through the lens of depression looks like bad news, including your own opinion of yourself... just a distorted view, not your true self.

 

so please try to give yourself a break and work hard to alleviate the depression, and try to factor in more fun things in your life... if e-harmony is putting you off, it is NOT some grand authority that proves you are weird and don't fit in, it is just a frigging web site trying to make money matching people up... there are a million of them out there, go find one that lets you write your own description of yourself, and spend time getting out to places where you might meet new friends, regardless of dating or not.

[cc2006]

Hey hey! Welcome to the club.

 

I tried eHarmony a few years ago and answered all the questions honestly. It completely rejected me. I felt stupid and outcast for a few minutes ... but it became a joke with my friends. "XXX is so weird he gets rejected by dating sites" ha ha ha.

 

 

You're right. If you're introverted, quiet, shy, a homebody, or even a shred depressed it'll kick you back a reject letter fast.

 

Basically if you have the qualities that will get you out and into the public to find a date and don't NEED eHarmony, then they'll accept you. If you're shy and would like to check out the service to help you break the ice with people then g'bye.

 

Reminded me of going for life insurance and having to check off all these boxes for current ailments, or family ailments ... then being told you can't have life insurance because you could actually die and need life insurance.

 

 

*Edit* Just for giggles I went back into eHarmony and revised my profile answers to get them up to date. I've gotten over depression since then, and have a better outlook on life.

 

I wasn't rejected this time. I answered honestly, just as I did years ago, but my attitude has adjusted enough to qualify for their website.

 

Then, it told me that within 100 miles of me there are NO matches for me.

 

Well ... I'm one step closer right? .. now I'm allowed to date (per eHarmony) just no one exists that is compatible. Maybe in another 5 years I'll have a match!

[charley]

I don't know if this has any bearing on this or not, but I remember a beautiful 40 year old woman on T.V. saying in an interview that she had not been allowed to participate in some match making thing, or online dating thing because she's age 40.

 

She said she was told by the dating service that most men age 40+ are either married, or have totally given up on women altogether, or they are only interested in dating younger women. thereforeeee, that service would not take women who are 40+.

 

This was an intelligent, sweet, beautiful woman. I remember thinking I wished I could be at that interview in the audience and stand up to ask her out.

 

If the above is true, that's a shame. However, it would work in my favor since I haven't given up and I'm not limiting myself to younger women. I mean, I do like younger women, but I wouldn't limit myself to them.

 

Anyhow, I don't know if the above is true or not, but if I was a woman 40+, I'd be saying I was 38 or 39 on the application. The really insane thing is that this woman looked like she was 30. The injustice of the whole thing to her was upsetting to her. It upset me just hearing it.