Worst fears realized

[Sweet_e_pea]

I posted last week about how about a month ago I had caught my wife (through her e-mail) saying she had "made out" with another man once about 10 months ago and had kept in contact with him since. (Read my crazy long rant) She told me the story, I saw the whole slew of e-mails, and we were working out our issues, albeit slowly.

 

Yesterday, thanks in no small part to these boards, I learned the joys and evils of GoogleDesktop, which apparently saves everything you ever touch while using your computer. Given a sneaky suspicion there was more to this story, I used it to search her computer (thank goodness she installed it back in late 2005).

 

I found more e-mails from this guy, all were innocuous and corroborated her story.

 

But, I found a single, by itself, only slightly mysterious e-mail from another guy (keep in mind, there are like 15,000 e-mails and stuff on there) from a couple of months ago. I search under his e-mail and find a few more.

 

"Thanks for a great night last night." Now that's more than suspicious. So I confront her. She doesn't deny meeting him at a bar and making out with him.

 

Eventually today, after admittedly deceiving her, she confesses that she slept with him once.

 

Now, I'm really at a loss for what to do. We've been married 10 years and have two great kids. But I can't understand how she could betray me like this. It hurts so much!!!

 

Can/has anyone had a marriage survive a hurt like this???

 

Suffering quietly.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Jesus.

 

I don't know if a marriage can survive a hurt like this, in fact you might be better off leaving her for your own good. I understand though, how hard that would be. I understand all too well. I remember your other post, in fact I warned you to watch out for her. Turns out my suspicions were correct. I'm sorry that things have turned out this way for you. But you're not alone... that's why this site is called e-notalone!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Actually I'm completely wrong, I never even replied to your post, but I did read it. In fact I was going to reply to your post and was planning to last night when the internet disconnected, and I just ended up going to bed. But that's what I would have told you had I replied.

[Rabican]

I think at this point you end it. The honorable, respectful thing for her to do would have been to come clean when you first confronted this issue months ago. She should have been bending over backwards to make your marriage work. Instead she is bending over for another man. There is a saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

 

My general rule, would be to forgive the unforgiveable once, if that. Normally id say toss them out... but sometimes when your heart is involved, or children, or years of your past... thats not so easy to do. But you simply cant forgive the unforgiveable over and over. If you let this slide without going to the divorce lawyer, itll happen again. If she didnt learn her lesson the first time, she wont this time either. Not to mention giving it another chance is just further reinforcing the idea that she can, and will get away wtih it and even if she does get caught... theres no concequences. So if you want to spend the rest of your days checking her emails, making yourself sick with worry etc. then stay with her. I say leave, and take your evidence with you for the lawyer.

[Sweet_e_pea]

Thanks for the responses. I'm sitting here in my office wondering if I should go home, after reading what you've all written.

 

I need to clear something up: After I confronted her on the issue she did tell me about (kissing her rock star fantasy), she broke off all ties with these other guys (again, thanks to Google Desktop, I can prove that).

 

So, when I asked her to change and she did the same of me, she had ended all of her funny business. She felt that, as we were recommitting to each other, that there was no purpose in telling me as it would only hurt me (which it obviously did). And, if it hadn't been for the aforementioned Google Desktop, I would have never found out as she had been otherwise very careful to cover her tracks.

 

But I love her. And between that episode and today, we've been getting along great. Now, I'm more confused than ever.

[Cadence308]

This is a sad thread, as all infidelity ones are. She only came clean with you twice now because you found out about the other guys and had hardcore proof. What about all of the "other" guys she's probably been with in the past 10 years? I'm sure there's not just these two. People do the same things they have always done to cope with things in their lives and that includes having affairs. It sounds like you are forgiving her much too easily.

 

I would suggest marriage counseling. Some other poster said it best when he said that she should have been bending over backwards trying to make things work with you when you found out about the first guy, instead she's bending over for some other guy!

[Souffle]

I know many people who's relationships suddenly seemed to get better for a little while after everything was out in the open, but slowly and painfully, the infidelity took its toll and they eventually ended it.

 

Definitely go to marriage counseling, at least do that.

 

Best of luck to you, try to follow what is best for YOU.

[blindfold]

it is completely up to you, to end it or not. it is v. hard to overcome betrayal, and i certainly wouldn't put up w it, but that's just me, and i know many people can and really do it.

if you feel your wife has cheated on you because she is/was unhappy at home, or because you weren't there for her as much as she wanted is it up to you to give it a shot... it is much more risky if she really did have feelings for "the other man"...

 

anyway, keep us informed

[yeawutever]

If you're planning on staying with her and saving your marriage, you simply can't forgive that easily, esp. when she told you that she wans't gonna confess if you ahven't found out about the prove, basically she's saying "I was gonna continue my business until you found out, now I can't have my cake and eat it". Is she even expressing certain feelings of regret or is she indifferent/nonchalant???

If the answer is the first, then there's a chance to work it out by going to counseling and tell her to be completely honest from now on. However, if the answer is indifferent/nonchalant, then it would be a good time to end it and start filing for divorce or go through separation

[Juliana]

This is really hard. I think that when infidelity is a repeated thing, the couple needs to make an honest assessment of their lifestyle, and decide what works for them. If you expect and need a monogamous relationship, and that's what she had promised you going into the marriage, she may be waking up to the fact that she has issues that do not allow her to be monogamous, and not knowing how to face it, she hides it.

 

That said, she may have the insight and self-control to stop. The fact is, there is no way to predict behaviour, no matter what anyone says. The best predictor of the future is the present, not the past; alcoholics do not always go back to the bottle, people can quit smoking permanently, gamblers can stop and so can adulterers. The question is, has she come to a place in herself and in her relationship with you where she understands what's at stake, and who she is? Is she aware of her needs, and can she meet them within the existing marriage?

 

You need to look at the marriage now, not the past; see who she is now. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and with her, and decide whether or not your own nature can deal with what's happened.

[Sweet_e_pea]

Thanks for all of the thoughts.

 

I think I'm assessing the situation this way: I really do think her cheating ways are over. And I believe they've been over since I confronted her on something else back a few months.

 

We've both been through a lot this year. And I have come to realize there are parts of my life -- not at all sexual or related to infidelity -- that I have kept from her, as well.

 

I really believe she has changed and is 100% devoted to me and willing to do whatever I ask to make this work. I feel really confident of that.

 

That said, I think this string of betrayals may be too much for me to forgive. While I do hold it against her that she lied repeatedly about it -- she was right to assume that the revelation could likely break up our marriage. Because it probably will.

 

The only thing she isn't willing to talk about is our splitting up. She absolutely wants to stay together and, as I said, is willing to endure whatever pain the reconciliation process takes in our marriage. But, I'm not sure what I want. I have images etched in my brain that don't go away. I'm so hurt. Another thing she desperately wants is for us to keep this to ourselves. She feels the embarrassment she'd feel from friends and family would be too much for her, sending her further into a spiral of depression.

 

And I feel like that closes all my outlets to seek help and support (save my counselor and this forum of course).

 

Thanks for listening.

[Juliana]

This is a decision that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Unlike your imagined images of what she did, the outcome of this decision will not fade with time. Nor will anything positive happen between you & she with the power to overcome it, should you decide to separate. However, this is something that only you can know what to do about.

 

I would strongly, strongly recommend against sharing this issue with any family or friends. Rather than being a support system for you in this, they will simply offer you their version of what you should do. The fall-out from this will be long-lasting as well, whether you stay with her or not. Some of them will reject and punish her on your behalf, which, should you choose to reconcile, will then become a huge source of embarrassment for you & your wife. You do have a counsellor you can discuss specifics with, who knows how to listen without telling you what you should do.

[Sweet_e_pea]

One more thing -- our children are growing concerned over our current issues. Up until the past few months, my wife and I have never fought in front of our kids.

 

Now, because of the heated nature of our fights, our oldest, 7, has fears that we're going to divorce (which, clearly, is a realistic possibility). I don't know what to tell her or how to help her cope with the fact that her mother and I are not seeing eye to eye.

 

I always tell her everything is going to be allright, but she wants to hear that we're always going to be together.

 

She wants to know what Mommy did to make me so mad (or what I did to mom to make her cry).

 

This fighting is tearing my wife and I apart, at a time we're trying to move closer together. And now, we're letting our sparring affect our children. We've vowed that we're going to try to keep it civil, but moments of stressful discussion seem to spontaneously erupt.

 

In fairness, I'm usually the cause of the fights. I'll blurt out something malicious, stupid and bitter (like she's a dirty sl*t) or breakdown for no reason.

 

I don't want to be like this. I abhorr what she did, but I'm increasingly hating the person I'm becoming. This anger and hatred and depression -- it just isn't me.

 

Maybe I'm just a fool, but I still really love her. I just wish I could move forward and get past this.

[Juliana]

"In fairness, I'm usually the cause of the fights. I'll blurt out something malicious, stupid and bitter (like she's a dirty sl*t) or breakdown for no reason. I don't want to be like this. I abhorr what she did, but I'm increasingly hating the person I'm becoming. This anger and hatred and depression -- it just isn't me. Maybe I'm just a fool, but I still really love her. I just wish I could move forward and get past this."

 

I often hear men say things along these lines. Given that it's affecting your children now, for their sake I would suggest discussing your concerns and your feelings of hostility with the counsellor. You seem to have taken your wife's behaviour as permission to abuse her verbally. I am sure this difficult for you to face in yourself, as it is for your wife and children to hear. Fortunately, you have the insight to recognize that your self-control is at issue, and you have the means to begin to change this situation. Whatever your wife's behaviour during the fights may be, the reality is you can only be held responsible for and control your own. If verbal abuse continues to be an issue for you, maybe a brief period of separation might not be a bad thing for your family, to give you time and distance to cool off a little. The children's welfare really has to come first, and any decision you make should consider them first. If your children can see that you and your wife are continuing to try to deal constructively with your issues, rather than attacking each other, and the family rituals of Christmas and birthdays are maintained as they always have been, that may be less painful for them than seeing the fights.

 

It is definitely something to discuss with the counsellor. You're not the only man who has ever been in this position, but the decision you make will have to be one that you can live with.

[Rabican]

Heres my .02 for what its worth.

 

She cheated, so if she wants to make it work she can, and will endure whatever needed to make it work. If you need to talk to someone to help you get through this, go right ahead. IF she cant handle that, then she shouldnt have cheated and shes welcome to leave.

 

The fighting is sort of to be expected. After your SO cheats on you, im sure most people would have a huge loss of respect, and patience in their partner after such an event. So the next time she forgets to put away the dishes, your gonna act like she burned the house down. Is it fair, is it a mature way to act? No, but im betting 90% of us would behave the same way.

 

As for your kids, treat them well. Let your situation with your wife run its course if you can work it out then you can, if not... you dont. Try not to fight as much around your kids, dont let them see you as a crazy person... they will start thinking thats the right way to handle problems.

Ive always thought that people who arent meant to be together are better off not together even though kids are involved. I think kids would be better off with 2 loving parents whom happen to be in different homes than 2 fighting parents in the same home.

[jimthzz]

on a practical matter. If you divorce your wife yo are in a crucial year regarding spousal support -- at least in california.

 

the courts don't give a rip about her cheating, just the length of your marriage when deciding how long to award spousal support to a wife--even if she is the cheater.

 

marriages of less than 10 years usually get spousal support for half the time of the marriage. Long-term marriages of 10 or more years? You can be paying spousal support until retirement or her remarriage.

 

Consult a lawyer if you are about to leave her.

 

BTW, I'm sorry she is a cheater. Notice that I saw "is" as in present tense. She has only revealed or admitted to what little you know about her activities. She volunteered nothing to you.

 

Beware of crocodile tears.

[ami555]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know exactly where you're coming from... I just found out what my husband's been up to as well. I never realized what a good liar my husband was. Even when I confronted him with proof he denies it. I know the anger and bitterness and betrayal you feel. One minute your angry, filled with sadness the next minute. You feel like your world is crashing down around you and now you're trying to pick up the pieces, but the pieces don't fit anymore.

 

But, the children...sigh...it breaks my heart. They know somethings up, but for their sake don't argue in front of them. The kids will start to think they are the cause of whatever is going on. Kids tend to do that. Unfortunately, they are the innocents caught in the crossfire.

 

Now that you know some of the truth of what she's been up to it seems like you have some choices to make. Don't wait for her to see what she wants. What do you want. What is best for you and the kids. In time, you may be able to forgive, but you will never forget. You have to ask yourself if this is something you can live with. Can you ever really trust your wife again? I really feel for you because I'm in a very similar situation, and with kids in the mix it makes everything so much more complicated. Right now there's nothing anyone can say to make the sting any less painful, but just know that you're not alone. Stay strong.

[Sweet_e_pea]

A week later after having her finally tell me the truth, I'm not sure how much better I feel. I'm still angry... sad... depressed. Yet, still very much in love. It's such a scary time.

 

I've been with my wife for more than a third of my life. And I can barely remember a time when we weren't together.

 

And, I've been willing to forgive all of her Internet e-mailing and idle chatter. Frighteningly, for me, it all comes down to the sex. That's something I had reserved for someone I really loved -- my wife is the only woman I've ever been with.

 

Now, I find myself yearning to be intimate with another woman, too, not so much to hurt my wife, but to treat myself to something different. My wife is a fantastic lover and the past year that part of our life has been very good -- but I feel like I deserve to do something for myself, too.

 

I know that sounds bad and, honestly, I doubt I could ever go through with it. But I do find myself wishing to draw even with her that way.

 

Does that make me a bad person?

[BigSyke]

sorry i kinda breezed over your stuff, but brotha, my world is an example on why you should become YOU! you are not her anymore, your YOU! this should help;

 

I met this girl, thought she was most gorgous women ever saw....dated her off an act of god....well she started seeming kinda suspecious. Ex-BF calling the house 409 times a day, stoppin over. Skipping over years of hollywod type drama, Crying harder than i have ever cried, cutting myself, and nearly getting shot 12 times....i have stepped back from the relationship.

 

This girl (very beautiful) has done things I cant even picture a human doing. A live person doing the things she has done. You will be supprised on what you might find, when you hack into your girls email account.

 

I found over 1500 hundred cases of her cheating on me with over 200 guys. Were talking pictures, DVD's videos. She's even so smart to leave the DVD's on my desk, and pictures on her myspace! She tells me im crazy for thinking shes cheating on me, and shes getting sick of me blaming her. The nights she does cheat, we somehow werent dating at the time. You could never picture this girl doing this. Its so funny how some women can have sex with 6 guys at the same time, and giggle about it on myspace the next day, when theyre married.

 

I have seen it all my brother, in fact i have seen and experienced more than 99% of all males out there. Im ready to retire myself, im getting tired, old (22yrs old) and angry at life. I have no life anymore because of this ruthless girl. Just evil. This girl you would never imagine doing this. And if I had not investigated and done my own coordinated sting ops, i would think shes the perfect wife.

 

However, after cracking emails, bugging phones, rigging cellphones, and using buddies as stings, i found this girl had some scandolous ways, prostitute scandolous. (again would never imagine). If I wouldnt have dug this deep, i would think shes a nun....now im not surprised if shes working for a drug cartel. This girl is upper class too. Rich daddy and mommy. Has everything. Has lots of money. Last car was a ferrari, and is highly religioius. I thought this girl had the morality of a nun! I couldnt see past it! her spell worked! thought she was perfect! while she was at "school" she was really at some guys house. She supposidly now shops from 7am, till 1 am (16 hours a day now???) HAHA what was I doing with her?

 

I am smarter than her, she always told me that she KNEW i would never leave her, and I said "yea, i love you too much"

 

Booyakasha! after i got fed up of the real bad stuff like dragging her naked from some "gang bang" drug dealer fiesta, I finally got fed up. She even posted these sexually explicit pictures on her facebook.

 

She locked me down, broke me down until i relyed on her, and without her cheating self i would die. Now I have smartend up, found a new girl who is BEGGING to take me out, who is more beautiful than she will ever be. I am not phased by the cheating anymore! she can do what she wants, she will never be a human.

 

After 3 near death experiences because of her, i am done. DONE.

and I said exactly what you said

"she's very sorry for cheating that one time, she said she would never do it again, im going to give her a second chance"

 

185 chances later, thank god im still alive.....other guys seem to get violent when theyre having sex with your girlfriend, and you try to stop it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

wanting revenge when cheated on is very common, but it gets you nowhere... now both you and your wife are cheaters, and your no closer to making a decision about what to do with your marriage, just adding another brick to the load...

 

really, consider marriage counseling for the sake of your kids, and if that doesn't work, then think seriously about divorce... don't date until you're separated... do you want your kids to hear your wife screaming about her cheating husband too?

[Mr. Brightside]

This is my first post on this board, but I have been reading alot of topics to see which best fits my own calamity. To the original poster, I am going through a similar situation, although yours contains children and a legal commitment. I have a fiance.

 

To make a long story short (long for my first topic later), my fiance (4 year relationship) called me one day and told me she felt guilty for going to a movie with a guy... well 3 MONTHS later I found out it was complete with sex. The key issue here is this: you are having to pull information out of her. Yes, she admits to things, but only after you find them out yourself! I have had to do this numerous times. Although I have no remedy to give you, because I am obviously in a similar predicament, I am here to talk to and let you know that the emotional poison you feel deep in your stomach is shared...

 

Of course its easy to say "Dump her," "move on," she's not worth your time, etc. But the fact is... once you have opened that door to your heart, whatever that person took, is their's... forever. I think that's why I am having such a hard time up and leaving like I have been able to when this happened in past relationships. The worst part of all of this... is that the small part of your heart she has... she has poisoned... and it is attached to the rest of your heart, leading to continuous e-mail checks, etc etc. The feeling is never going to go away! Trust me. Once I found out 2 years ago... I am still checking, and just 2 months ago am finding out they are "communicating" again in e-mail... just friendly stuff, but that's how it always starts again (with ex's).

 

I am stuck because I am 5 states from friends (in grad school) and living with her until school is done in April 2008. Then I am moving back home...

 

Hope things are better for you now... I know I lost 20 pounds in a month when I worried about what could have been happening (before she finally told me the worst).

 

This crap is nasty... I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy. It can be said that it is my fault that I gave her a second chance and I can accept that. I know what you mean when you talk about the sex part being the overstep. There comes a point where your body takes over and tells you its done.

[candy604]

set a good example for your children. If she wants to work this marriage out, give it a go. If she's willing to change, then give her a chance if you really want to work it out.

 

But you do need marriage counselling. Try to also control your thoughts and try not to blurt out random things ( especially in front of the kids). Kids do learn parents behaviours ( trust me!) and do get affected by the fights.

[Sweet_e_pea]

Mr. Brightside -- It's scary when you mentioned the weight loss -- I've lost 40 pounds in 3 months. (Bringing the total to more than 60+ pounds for the year!)

 

I can hardly eat. And what I do eat, oddly, is much more reasonably portioned. People at work think I've been undergoing chemo or something. Now, admittedly, I've also started working out aggressively to vent some of my frustration and -- frankly -- to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex.

 

We're ever so slowly working through our issues, and I honestly have no idea how this is all going to wrap. I'm hopeful. We seem to get along pretty well for the most part, though I am still prone to periods of depression and anger, most of which we talk through in emotional cry-fests.

 

I know what you mean about being unable to shake the feeling that she's hiding something or that something's going on. When you're caught completely off guard by something like this -- and I was, so much so, I was vehemently defending her to our mutual friends, answering their suspicions with "My wife would never do that" -- it melts your whole sense of security into a big pile of goo. I do check e-mails. I do check phone records (a little closer inspection on the phone bill, by the way, would have ended this issue months ago). But -- and this is scary -- my wife wasn't really one to hide her e-mail from me. We'd often have to fetch something out of each other's accounts. Turns out, she had created another address just for this guy.

 

My wife seems absolutely committed to get through this. She's very understanding for my need to check up on her, and, in some ways, encourages it.

 

She even volunteered to sign a mid-marriage contract specifying no spousal support or child custody in the event of any other infidelity. Which, given the amount of money I make and how much we both like to spend it, was quite shocking. She'd be willing to leave herself with nothing if she did it again -- that at least raised my eyebrow.

 

Most importantly for me as we move forward though is that, despite the times when we have been recalling the woes of this year (well, mainly it's me holding us back -- I'll admit that, I'm having a heck of a time moving forward) -- we've actually had a lot of fun; it's like we've rediscovered each other.

 

Sure, I hate what she did to me and the choices she made. Heck, I hate some of the choices I've made this past year, too. But I can't hate her. If that makes any sense at all.

[Mr. Brightside]

Mr. Brightside -- It's scary when you mentioned the weight loss -- I've lost 40 pounds in 3 months. (Bringing the total to more than 60+ pounds for the year!)

 

Yeah I could only eat about 1/3 of the portions I ate before the whole fiasco... I also was working out aggressively (hockey for 2 hours twice a week). It helped me quite a bit feel wanted again.

 

But it sounds like things are already moving in the right direction. I would still be weary because mine was like this for a few months and then once we settled back down, little communications would begin again. Like happy b-days etc. I'm not trying to be a downer here, but I am just speaking my personal experience. But marriage is a different thing than engagement, and hopefully she has realized that now.

 

What I have learned through everything is to notice the good in all people.

 

Sure, I hate what she did to me and the choices she made. Heck, I hate some of the choices I've made this past year, too. But I can't hate her. If that makes any sense at all.

 

Of course I understand. You could never hate someone you have put so much love into. It would be completely contrary to human nature. I will still love her no matter what. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her, but it still confuses me why (when she knows that the communication hurts) she continues to message him.

 

Oh well. Keep us informed... Hopefully we will be greeted by good "gnus" from now on

[Sweet_e_pea]

Well, it's been nearly a month since I've been on here.

 

I spent a lot of time with my wife since, and we've been getting along pretty well. It's hard to avoid the issue of my wife's affairs and it is sad that a lot of different things will trigger a reaction, and I'll get grumpy or down at virtually the drop of a hat.

 

But I've been on a differnent kind of emotional rollercoaster since I've been back to work following the holidays.

 

The day I returned to work, a coworker approached me, making an offhand comment about how handsome I look (I hadn't seen her in a while and I've dropped more than 40 pounds in the past 4-5 months). Next thing I know, we're at dinner. It was all pretty innocent. Mostly about work.

 

Now, I find myself growing increasingly intoxicated by her attention. We've tried to go to dinner a couple of other times -- one of us was always busy or exhausted -- and we'll share a few fun, trivial instant messages a day. Typical work stuff.

 

While it SHOULDN'T be anything special (neither of us has made any sort of flirtatious overtures), for me, oddly, it is. I hadn't had a dinner alone with a woman who wasn't my wife in more than 11 years.

 

And, if nothing else, my newly-found friend -- which at times I feel very guilty about -- is helping me forget the sting of my wife's betrayal by simply offering companionship at work.

 

As for my wife, I've been very open and honest about what's been going on. I really don't want to hurt her, despite what she did. On the flip side, I'm not going to balk at the chance to make new friends, something I found I desperately needed more of in the wake of my wife's revelations. And, if having a new woman's number in my cell phone makes her pay me more attention, so be it, I say.

 

But, and here's the question, where do I draw the line on this new friendship? I don't think it's going to ever get to a point of sex or intimacy, I doubt I will let it. But she's asked about my relationship with my wife. And I'm not really sure how to answer. We've told no one (well, my wife told one person, who's been sworn to secrecy on pain of my revealing her far more painful secrets -- damn that google desktop!) about my wife's sneaky dealings, and I doubt I'll tell this woman, even though I believe she'd be a great listener.

 

I'm just so confused. It's weird. Because I'm also much happier.