Constructive Criticism or Rude?

[ImThatGirl]

Oh, how to word this.....

 

For one, I'm open to suggestions and constructive criticism. I know that I don't do anything perfectly. Who does? I know that sometimes in relationships, one person is particular about things as well..

 

Here's the problem.

 

My boyfriend CONSTANTLY (daily) feels the need to tell me things I'm doing wrong and should do differently or better.

 

Don't ride the brakes on my car, load the dishwasher this way, don't leave two dish clothes on the sink, don't act selfish, don't let your kids walk all over you, don't have "snobbish" standards of wanting to live in C (where I live,) don't do this, do this this way, etc. etc. etc.

 

He's made comments about how he likes things to be perfect but doesn't know if I'll ever be.

 

I never hear any compliments out of his mouth only daily criticism. It's really wearing on me. I have enough on my plate as it is. Makes me think, "am I really that bad of a person that he has to teach me how to do things right?"

 

This morning, he asks, "Babe, can I show you something?" I knew immediately: I did something "wrong." I asked, "What? You need to show me how to do something right?" He said "well, it's not that big of a deal. Yes - something you could do differently." This time, I didn't respond well. I said "no - you can't. I'm busy getting myself and my kids ready. I don't want to hear your suggestion this morning. How do you expect me to feel good about myself with constant criticism and zero compliments?" So, we parted for the day on bad terms. (Note: This short conversation was behind closed doors. Kids were having breakfast.)

Does anyone have any experience with constant criticism? I'm used to people thinking alot of me and that I handle everything very well. How do I handle this? I feel like he thinks I am stupid, incapable, and basically a loser / idiot. I'm seriously thinking of writing each of his "suggestions" down as a log. Or asking him to. I can post it on my refridgerator. That way, I won't forget the suggestions and he'll see just how many he makes.

[Scout]

Hi, ImThatGirl. A couple of initial questions...

 

1) You honestly can't think of any compliments your boyfriend ever pays you? Not a one?

 

2) Is it possible you are sensitive to what you perceive as criticism? This can happen if you grew up heavily criticized by a parent or other family member. When we become adults, we're heavily averse to anything we take as criticism.

 

3) Is there anything else going on in your relationship right now that has you feeling particularly vulnerable about its status?

 

Not to discount your feelings, at all. Just want to get a few more details before I suggest anything.

[ImThatGirl]

Hi, ImThatGirl. A couple of initial questions...

 

1) You honestly can't think of any compliments your boyfriend ever pays you? Not a one?

 

2) Is it possible you are sensitive to what you perceive as criticism? This can happen if you grew up heavily criticized by a parent or other family member. When we become adults, we're heavily averse to anything we take as criticism.

 

3) Is there anything else going on in your relationship right now that has you feeling particularly vulnerable about its status?

 

Not to discount your feelings, at all. Just want to get a few more details before I suggest anything.

 

 

Thank you, Scout! To answer your questions:

1) No - Can't think of any compliments. Besides an occasional "you're so hot." ha. When we first started dating, he noted my positive attitude / outlook, my motivation, and my strength.

 

2) My family rarely critiques anyone. They feel that each person learns from their mistakes. I guess this is from one extreme to another. Family constantly notes how proud they are of me and him suggesting I do many things "wrong."

 

3) We have alot going on in our relationship (ie his baby in 17 days.) But really, I've not been stressing about he and I. I'm keeping my focus on my kids and I and staying quite positive about everything.

 

I'm just feeling like maybe I'm just not good enough. And maybe I'll never be good enough. - Half the time that is. - I do well at reminding myself that I am a good person. I think that if he seemed happier while around me and threw in a little "let's do this this way," I would deal better.

[Scout]

Ok, thanks. That helps. I don't like that even your family is noticing he's overly critical. He needs to work on this.

 

The problem is that you're going to have to communicate with him about it, but in a way that invites honest and comfortable dialogue, not shutting yourself off from discussion. And I can see why you're wanting to do this.

 

But, if you really love him and want to see if this can be overcome, you're going to have to help him with it, even though he shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Of, course, it's up to him to meet you halfway.

 

Others might have specific pointers on this. For now, I want to share with you an article that I really like. It talks about what happens when partners don't address conflict in their relationships (and basically, this is a big conflict you two are having). One or both of the partners eventually "checks out" and disengages from things, in order to avoid unpleasantness. The result is an empty, stagnant relationship. Don't let the title full you, it really is a helpful article in terms of understanding how important it is to keep communication going and dealing with problems head on instead of withdrawing in anger: Relationship Boredom Can Be Deadly link removed.

[ImThatGirl]

That article is great and explains what I am going through!

 

First off, need to clarify this point:

2) Family constantly notes how proud they are of me and him suggesting I do many things "wrong." - I meant it's one extreme to the next. My family constantly supports me and is proud of me. But he constantly tells me how I don't do things right.

 

When we are visiting my family, he exhibits none of the negativity. They think he's great, from what they see. However, my mom has noted that I worry all the time. I'll make comments of "oh no, I better check with J first before making those plans." Or, "oh no, I'm probably gonna be in trouble because I didn't meet him at the car (while awaiting in line to see Santa Clause."

 

I guess I have in a sense "checked out." I do care about him deeply and still have hopes for a future with him. Half the time, I take his suggestions without question. But other times, he can tell I'm somewhat upset after. He insists we talk about it. And that gets us nowhere.

 

I have told him time and time again that due to his constant correcting and criticism, and lack of compliments, I can't figure out why he's even with me. If I do everything wrong, then maybe he should just find someone that does everything right.

 

Sheesh I feel like a cry baby! We have two extremes here. Him wanting everything to be perfect and wanting to mold me. And me, being open to suggestions but feeling like I do nothing right.

 

Sigh...................

 

Maybe I just need to learn how to take criticism. Without feeling like a loser.

[Scout]

Well, I don't want to see your self esteem get chipped away in this relationship, I don't care how much you love him. No one is worth sacrificing our self-love for.

 

I put up a thread once about how to resolve conflict. I read about this technique, it's pretty interesting...both partners take the issue at hand. In this case, the issue is, "Does regularly suggesting your partner things they could do differently harmful or not to the relationship." What you do to get to a more mutually understanding page is, one side argues the case, the other argues against it. The catch is that each party has to argue their opposite position! So, you would actually have to provide three supporting points that no, it's not harmful because it means....etc. And he would have to argue yes, it's harmful because....etc.

 

Give it a try! It's an interesting exercise.

[Batya33]

I really like Scout's approach particularly in suggesting articles/books you can read because as I read your posts I think "wow this is such an individual/subjective/personal issue!" There are so many factors- a person's tolerance level, the timing of the criticism, the context, whether it is repetitive, the tone, etc. What might help - Scout you probably have more expertise on this - is to address specific examples with him because once he hears "you always criticize me!" he may not "hear" the rest. He may shut down.

 

An example. My bf "can" be critical (so can I at times!). Typically his tone is very respectful. Yesterday, we were sitting at a local diner having breakfast. He writes on a napkin "do you think that is [celebrity name] sitting behind you?" (we live in an area where there are frequent sightings). I reflexively (and stupidly!) swing my head around. He says quietly but with a "tone" "could you be any more obvious?"

 

What bothered me was the tone - it was as if that was the "real" reaction and that his typical respectful reaction was a cover up. So, I addressed this with him. He said - no, not at all - he was sorry about the tone, he actually thought it was so funny that he goes through all this trouble to write on a napkin and with a dramatic flip of my head it's all over, lol. (no, it wasn't that celebrity. at all. he said he felt stupid even thinking that, lol).

 

I will say it worked better to address the specific example with him (and I admit I generalized too so I saw how well that worked. Not so much.).

 

Also, for me it depends on the underlying sense of mutual respect. If that is there then if there are days when he is more critical the impact might not be as bad.

[Day_Walker]

I dont believe that this is in any for constructive, your bf is a control freak. The only thing you can really do with control freak is tell him that you are going to do things this way and if he doesnt like them then he should do them himself because you dont need him telling you how to do things better. Stand your ground and be firm.

[Caterina]

I don't know what to tell you but from an outsider's perspective he sounds really annoying & obtrusive. Have you talked to him about this at all? But I think you deserve someone who is going to be a joy to be around for the most part...

[Scout]

I agree with Day Walker that it sounds like your boyfriend might be a control "freak" although I wouldn't call him that to his face. Privately, you might want to do some researching on how to relate to these folks, though, if you're determined to stick with this relationship.

[rmpavlock]

Oh....the "you're so hot" compliment. I used to get that from my ex...and not many other compliments. It doesn't always sound complimentary, does it? Your boyfriend's "constructive criticism" is not constructive in any way. You have a certain way of doing things, and he needs to back off and let you do them, whether he likes it or not. The world isn't going to end if you do the laundry a different way. That's just controlling.

[Scout]

Quick question...are you complimenting him still?

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you all for your thoughts!

 

Scout -

I read your resolve conflict thread. The thing with him tho is that it's his way only - I highly doubt he could argue my side. He'd most likely refuse.

Reseach - I'm not sure if I should research "control" or maybe "OCD."

Compliments - I compliment him and thank him and make it clear how much I appreciate and am grateful to have him in my life - very often.

 

Batya - Thank you for sharing! I agree, tone of voice plays a huge part in this. It begins with him using a matter of fact / harsh tone of voice to tell me what I did wrong. Then me usually saying, okay I'll try to do that - good idea. Then me thinking to myself "Sheesh, he thinks I do everything wrong." Then him asking me what I'm thinking. And being mad because I say don't worry about it or mad because I tell him what I'm thinking.

 

Daywalker / Caterina - It makes me sad to think of the option that he may just be very controlling. Sometimes I still do things my way like fitting an extra bowl in the dishwasher even though there isn't a big enough space. (still gets clean.) When he see's that, I hear about it.

 

Rodeo - I've thought about treating him how he treats me but I don't like the idea of seeming inconsiderate. I do think it's a good idea but I probably couldn't do that for more than an hour.

 

RMP - No, "You're so hot," just doesn't cut it. It's like saying I'm not even into you but know I better say something at this moment. Funny you mentioned laundry. I forgot to list it in things I do wrong. I'm not supposed to mix any colors. All reds should be washed together, all yellows, all blues. Not supposed to mix.

 

Thank you all again for all your thoughts and input. I'm sure when I see him this evening, he'll still be withdrawn and mad at me. I have no idea what his suggestion may have been first thing in the morning. Would have been nice if he could have at least said "good morning" before starting in.

 

Immediately after our short conversation of him asking if he could tell me something and me asking if it was about something I do wrong and saying no, he couldn't, he asked what was wrong with me and told me to smile. I've tried many times to explain how his constant suggestions wear me down and make me wonder what if anything he does like about me. It's just getting to a point that as soon as I hear that harsh tone, it all hits me like a ton of bricks. I've began to think that it's better for me to just withdrawal briefly rather than start crying about the whole situation because then he'll think I'm being a baby over something small.......

[RayKay]

Quite honestly honey, I don't see this as being a healthy situation for you now, or in the long run.

 

I have an ex whom just like your boyfriend would make statements like he just wanted things to be "perfect" and was trying to help me "improve myself" and basically never admitted maybe he was rather harsh and it was NOT his job to "fix me".

 

I know I am not perfect, I also know I will never be "perfect" even though I always will be bettering myself. And that part of love is being ACCEPTED for whom we are flaws and all.

 

I am really worried you almost have to remind YOURSELF you are a great person, when he does these kind of things, because honestly, that should not be the case at all. He should not make you feel belittled or as if you ar doing things "wrong" all the time.

 

My current boyfriend has his own way of doing things, but never does he tell me that HIS way is the ONLY way to do them. My own way may not always be right, and he will help if he sees I am struggling with something...but if I just don't load the dishwasher the "right way" he may decide to change it when I am out of the room or something or just leave it and maybe while he does not "like that way" respects my way. He certainly never tells me it's wrong. We are individuals, and each have our "own ways" of doing things and accept that.

 

Based on my experiences with my ex, I agree that this is in large part about CONTROL and it is not coming from "constructive criticism" even if he justifies it that way to himself. Constructive Criticism is generally asked for, and done in a way that allows you to feel as if you are being respected not told you are "wrong".

[RayKay]

He's made comments about how he likes things to be perfect but doesn't know if I'll ever be.

 

Oh, and a separate post for this comment because it REALLY ruffled me.

 

For one, whom made HIM the judge of "perfect" and what is so PERFECT about him that he has the right to tell you he wants perfection from you?

 

And you are not a thing to be "perfected".

 

NO ONE IS PERFECT, but we sure can find someone whom loves us imperfections and all for whom we are.

[ImThatGirl]

Awww Rodeo! I'm so sorry about that incident. That's flat out black and white proof that sometimes they should listen but refuse to. I'm curious - did he apologize?

 

I didn't think that you would have been meet when you showed him what it was like. I just think to myself, to act like him... He's so mean. I'd have to be mean. Hmmm maybe I should think more about our relationship.

 

Your reference of him treating everyone like this is meaningful to me. When J showed me how to properly load the dishwasher and told me he'd look for "Dishwashers for Dummies," I specifically asked him if I was the only one he treated like this or if he treats everyone like that. He said he treats everyone like that.

 

He supposedly can't stand judgemental people or fake people. He's more judgemental about the little things than anyone I've ever known. And the difference in his attitude when around my family or in A town compared to his attitude when we're in C-town where I live. Unbelievable. He's either fake while we're there or truly hates visiting while we're here.

[ImThatGirl]

Oh, and a separate post for this comment because it REALLY ruffled me.

 

For one, whom made HIM the judge of "perfect" and what is so PERFECT about him that he has the right to tell you he wants perfection from you?

 

And you are not a thing to be "perfected".

 

NO ONE IS PERFECT, but we sure can find someone whom loves us imperfections and all for whom we are.

 

 

RayKay - Thank you very much for your time and thoughts. I agree with you.

 

I didn't mention before but when he made the comment about not being sure if he'd ever be able to "perfect" me, I told him he may as well give up. That I wasn't interested in being "perfect" especially for him.

 

You know, there was a time that I wouldn't have dealt with this. I've told J that most of the time I feel like I'm walking on eggshells wondering what I'm going to get a talk about next.

 

I do see many positives in our relationship. But none of them matter if we can't work through this eventually. I know I can't stand a lifetime of being belittled....

[amtjrtcet]

Hey Girl!

 

Well I was with a guy like this for 6 yrs. He was always criticizing everything I did. Always telling me things like that. Always putting down my cooking and housekeeping. When I'd come to him with an idea or goal he'd shoot it down. Very negative. Never paid me compliments.

After a while I started to believe that I WASN'T or that I COULDN'T. It really tore me down. I became ill with an eating disorder-not to blame him but I think it had a lot to do with it. I had lost every bit of self esteem.

 

But just like a dog that is beaten by its owner consistantly......the dog either dies or runs away. I ran away. 6 yrs, gone, but I learned soooo much.

 

I learned what I DO and DON'T want in a man. I learned what qualities to stay far far away from. I also learned that the reason my ex was so negative had nothing to do with me, it was about him. HE was the one that was insecure, HE was the one that was scared. HE was down and wanted to drag me down with him.

 

My b/f now, he may do some things that annoy the crap out of me, and doesn't always think before he speaks. But he does not criticize me or put me down. And if he ever does, I'm gone.

 

You are too wonderful to put up with that crap. I know you love and care for him deeply. Don't let his words break you down. And I don't think you will, but remember, he's the one with the problem, NOT YOU.

[Siriana]

I am worrying about something else in your situation - what if he starts criticizing your kids that way. I don't know how old are they now (or I didn't notice in your posts) but in case they are junger how is he going to raise them - with constant criticism? It will cause low self esteem for them.

 

It is horrible when someone is constantly trying to explain how to do irrelevant things - a bowl or a plate less or more in the dishwasher, that is really an important question, even more important than starving children in Africa...

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you all again for your tremendous support! I luv you guys!!!!

 

I am going to really work on this and hopefully through it. We'll see how he reacts. I've decided to keep a log of all the suggestions and also all the times that he decides to withdrawal or attempts at killing me with silence.

 

Found out what I did wrong yesterday morning. Put my toothbrush on the sink instead of in the toothbrush holder. Yes - I could have put it in the tb holder just as easily but maybe I didn't want to! Sheesh. I'm an adult, not a child. Anyway - he was in a good mood so guess my failing at putting the toothbrush up didn't make him mad for the day. . . .

 

Syrix --> You made an awesome point. He's never criticized my kids per se but he is big on helping them understand the "right way" to do things.

 

Gotta run - will keep in mind.

[RayKay]

Anyway - he was in a good mood so guess my failing at putting the toothbrush up didn't make him mad for the day.

 

It worries me that him not being mad at you for the day for not putting your toothbrush in the holder is depdendent on him being in a good mood. I know maybe the comments in your post were trying to lighten mood a bit, but that does worry me.

 

Yes, we are adults, and yes, we do clean up after ourselves and we certainly should do so, but we also need to know when to choose our battles and that as adults we also have freedom to make our own choices. If I don't get time to fold the laundry and leave it on the bed because I have studying and a million other things to do, I certainly don't need to hope my boyfriend is in a good mood so he does not get mad!

 

If he left the floor a bit wet after he got out of the shower, and my socks got wet...heck what does it REALLY matter in the scheme of things? It doesn't. And the more someone makes LITTLE things into big battles, the more stressful the relationship becomes. When you pick such small things to fight over, it really leaves both of you tired and frustrated when it comes to solving things that DO really matter.

 

Seriously, what does YOU leaving YOUR toothbrush on the sink do to HIM? Maybe it irks him, but it certainly is not posing a danger to him, it certainly is not a big deal to move it if it is in his way or bothers him....you know what I mean?

[Ellie2006]

Hey ITG,

 

Just my two cents worth: but do you think this might be "learned" behavior from seeing how his parents interact?

 

Now I am not saying that your bf would go to this lengths but your thread reminded me of this guest that appeared on the Dr. Phil show (haha I don't know how you feel about Dr. Phil but regardless, I do believe he approached this particular matter aptly):

 

Anyway this couple had come on the show bc the guy was extremely controlling and belittling of his wife. He would even tell her that she was showering wrong (his point: she "wastes" water) or brushing her teeth wrong (his point: she is damaging her gums by brushing her teeth her/wrong way) ...

 

Granted: he was perhaps offering "constructive" advice. But he was totally misguided in his approach since he consistently disregarded the fact that his "advice" only made her feel degraded -- in other words, he defeated his purpose of trying to be "constructive" and ended up being "destructive" of his wife's self-esteem ...

 

What proved to be the turning point for this guy, if I remember correctly, is reading the viewers' angry responses to his actions on the Dr. Phil website and more importantly, really *seeing* how much pain his wife was in due to his words and actions when he re-watched the show ...

 

He did not want to make excuses for his bad behavior but he did remark, that was the only way he knew how to act bc that was how his parents had interacted ...

 

Now I am not saying J is like this at all! Nonetheless, his behavior *could* escalate and as Syrix pointed out, his need to advise may not end w/ you ...

 

Of course, these are all big "what ifs" but things that you may want to consider??

 

I know you care about this guy, ITG, so I hope you guys are able to resolve this issue together ...

 

Best wishes to you!

[Caterina]

You should stand up for yourself. I've had guys do this to me. I usually started arguing back and doing it back to them. Then, we would break up. I'm wrong about a lot of things and at enotalone for a reason to...but I think its a good thing to learn to stand up for yourself because its a very rare thing to have someone who will do it for you.

[Batya33]

Are you comfortable with a man who is not their father or married to you teaching them "how to do things?"

[SarahRose]

Your bf is a classic emotional abuser.

 

My ex husband was just like that. I couldn't do anything right! After some years it did affect my health as in severe chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, high blood pressure, and so on.

 

Being with someone who constantly belittles you is extremely damaging to your mental and physical health.

 

I think you need to put a stop to it or leave.

 

What makes him the authority on everything that is best for you?

 

I think I would tell him in a very calm and serious manner the next time he tries to correct you or whatever, tell him that when he himself is perfect, then he can tell you how to be but until then he needs to stop and work on his own faults first.