Constructive Criticism or Rude?

[ImThatGirl]

RayKay - I don't know if he actually would have been mad for the day. But he has been stubborn and withdrawn before after making his suggestions. We have actually come a ways during the last few weeks. He doesn't get onto me about absolutely everything. (like unfolded laundry..)

 

Ellie - thank you, thank you - I am going to see if I can find the transcript of that Dr. Phil episode.

 

Cat - I've been in this type of situation before. I'm actually rather bullheaded or was in the past. I stood up for myself but didn't allow much compromising or communication to work through...

 

Batya - Thank you, Dear. Good point. My son keeps losing his hats. I think we're up to him losing about 5. I've told him and showed him how to put his hat and gloves in his coat sleeve. J showed him again. J has also bought a few of his hats. I see your point and I'm definitely going to think about this.

 

SR - I have tried to explain to him before but it always starts again.

 

Seriously, thank you for all your thoughts, advise, points, and suggestions. Oddly enough, I feel like I'm backpedaling - like wanting to make excuses for him like he's not that bad... yadayada.

Somehow, I think I challenged myself before ever becoming serious with J. I told myself that I'd make as much effort as possible to make this relationship work. There are days that I just want to throw in the towel. But I'd rather work through the problems. Sigh........

[turqoise]

Same with me. Always criticising me, I ended up with suicidal depression, and even then I still adored him; still do. I`d rather have kept being with him like that and hope for it to get better. If you`re having his baby, of course leaving him is the last thing you want to do.

 

People say relationships are about compromise, and that`s what I thought I was doing. I think it`s true, but unlike say, work relationships where you couldn`T get by without compromise, relaionships with those you love should have a foundation of already thinking the other is perfect. And I mean, not second-best-but-they`re-fantastic. I mean PERFECT.

 

If you were meant to be, he would think you were already perfect or like your quirks in every way. And in being with him, you should want to be, and be able to be MORE yourself, not less. More sure, more confident, more happy too.

 

What he is showing with every thing wrong he notices with you, is one more reason that makes you an unideal partner for him. His ideal partner is someone that already does their laudry by colours, puts their toothbrush in the holder etc etc. Because you`re not his ideal partner (as much as he probably wants you to be because of good things you have together, and this might be a subconscious thing for him) he`s trying to mould you. I hope you can be strong, get your family`s help and part with him so that you are free to meet the partners who will give you both the freedom to be yourselves.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you, Turq~ Are you still with your bf that does the same thing?

 

Sometimes, I can just let it slide without it getting to me at all. Other times, It hits me like a ton of bricks and I think "then why the heck are you with me if I don't do anything right?"

 

There are many "good times" and good things about my bf. I keep thinking that relationships take work. If I can compromise and work through this, our relationship will be that much stronger. And that any relationship will have little quirks to work through. So what's the point of not working through these problems with him?

 

And on a sidenote: I'm not pregnant with his child. His ex is. They split after 3 weeks of dating and he and I started dating a couple months later....

[Aschleigh]

I just got out of a relationship with a very controlling man. I have had the worst anxiety and some depression for months.

It sucks becuase I love him and he's great in many ways. But he has to tell me how to pour soda into a glass, how to make rice perfectly, etc..

He can't deal with my differences and so I have to stay away from him for a long time.

This is the 2nd time I have allowed myself to be in a controlling relationship. I have some issues. I grew up with a very controlling mom.

But I realize it really is my partners fault. He is a perfectionist and no human is perfect. He is so affraid of intimacy he has to keep me and everyone else at bay. So he doesn't have to actually risk anything.

I am now single and although I am still hurting I am not wondering every moment : is he lieing to me? am I doing something wrong?

I was always doing something wrong. I was never good enough. I was the greatest thing that every happened to him yet he couldn't committ until he knew what else was out there.

Being single is much better that that crap on a daily basis. Believe me.

[ImThatGirl]

Hey Aschleigh~~~~~ Hugs to you!

 

Life with a perfectionist..... Can they ever change? Did you attempt helping him to understand what it was doing to you?

[Aschleigh]

I doubt he will ever change, unless he's willing to do the work of counseling and self-reflection.

I tired very much to discuss our problems, he wouldn't do it. That's the fear of intimacy, controlling behavior, they can't look at themsleves or let anyone in, it's too great a risk. And still I love him but I couldn't take it for my own safetly.

[ImThatGirl]

Aschleigh - Thank you for your advice. I think you are probably right. He can't stand to be judged or to look inward. I don't know if he ever will be able to.

 

I used to really get down about his suggestions. It really depends on the week as far as how his "perfectionist suggestions" affect me.

 

Update though:

Last night he came over. He left his coat on forever, didn't talk to me, and had a grouchy look on his face.

I didn't pay attention to him. He decided to watch a movie on his laptop in my room. I took my shower, dried my hair and went to bed. He left my room to finish his movie in the living room and came back in around 12:30.

This morning, a friend of mine called (as she usually does on her way to work.) Talked to her for a couple minutes. Then J and I had a disagreement about who needs to get out of bed first!? Me telling him that it snowed and he needs to leave early (he drives further to work,) and him telling me that I never get up early enough and am always running late. I commented that I do just fine getting myself AND my kids ready on time (we've never missed the bus) and him saying well you need to get up earlier.

 

This was so dumb! There was no reason for us to discuss this. I got out of bed, said "yep I know I'm a f.... loser. Never do anything right. Maybe I should start pointing out everything you do wrong."

 

We didn't talk the rest of the morning. My son and I were ready and waiting for the bus 10 minutes before it got there and I'm sure he didn't get to work as early as he likes to.

 

Point being

I think I've had enough of this. I know that I am a great person and I handle my business well. I'm tired of him telling me "how" I need to do everything better. I doubt I'll hear from him during the day today. I don't know if I'll even hear from him this evening. I'm contemplating telling him that we are going to take a break. Tell him what the problem is, to take a break and decide if he's willing to work on it or not.

 

This is so rediculous. Sigh...

[Siriana]

I like your last point.

[RayKay]

Hey Girl,

 

Hmm, he certainly did not seem to be in a good mood for whatever reason!

 

And I agree, there really is no reason for him to be telling you how to do things, if they are working as they are for you now.

 

I really do sense a "need" in him to control, maybe because depending on his own life he feels a bit "out of control" (maybe at his job etc) or it may be just his nature. Either way, it is not fair to you to be constantly under scrutiny.....in time you will feel more and more like you are walking on eggshells.

[ImThatGirl]

Syrix. Thanks~

 

RayKay, I agree with you. It's usually when he's less than happy about something in his life, that he decides he needs to make a suggestion to me. Maybe with his issues (with the baby,) he is feeling completely out of control and in turn, I get treated this way. It may very likely just be his nature. I think I'm past the stage of walking on eggshells. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to be anxious or feel bad about myself. I refuse to.

 

I think. Today I feel strong about this. I go through phases of feeling strong about it and feeling weak like I have not enough strength to get a handle on this.

[Siriana]

How long are you with him? Sorry if I missed that.

[ImThatGirl]

Not very long. 4.5 / 5 months.

[Siriana]

Oh, that's really a short period of time - to short in my opinion to have problems like you are having right now with him. I definitely think taking a brake is a good thing.

 

Probably he's having a tough time right now with a soon to be newborn and maybe some other things we don't know about...so I think he needs some time on his own to sort things up. God knows what can happen once when the baby is born, you never know... So I think he needs some space to sort his life out. Let him do that - it is still relatively easy for yoo to do that, with time it gets harder. after 4.5 months you don't know the person so good jet.

 

Also looks like he acts like that when he's under a lot of stress - so take into account that EVERY TIME when he's under a lot of stress (and he is going to stressed soooo many times in his life) he will be controlling.

 

 

I hope you woan't get offened but I just can't keep my mouth shut about the following (yeah, that's me, I always speak what's on my mind

 

After 4.5 months he's not in a position to teach your kids how to do stuff the right way. Or to teach your kids anything except taking them to Disneyworld, to the zoo and buying them ice cream and answering their questions what is this and why is that? this is something ment for your future fiancee ( who you get along perfectly and who shares your viewpoints on raising children.

[ImThatGirl]

Syrix - I agree with you. I know it doesn't seem like I get it.... but I do.

 

No offense taken. I know better than all of this. I do, I do. This is going against so many of my principles.

 

Yet I don't walk away. I think I've lost my strength. Sometimes I feel like I still have it and feel like I'm going to straighten this once and for all or walk away. But I never do it........... I know I have control and the ability to make the best decisions for all of us. So why is it that I don't do it?

[Dilly]

Because you think he'll come out of this phase sometime soon after the baby is born, perhaps?

 

He sounds like he might have been frustrated that you didn't just go out of your way to be with him last night, to cater to his needs, and instead of telling you sweetly that he needs you close, he does the unthinkable and pushes you away by pissing you off.

 

He sounds frustrated with his own life and unsure of the future. A bit controlling and manipulative to be sure! I'd seriously try to laugh off his stupid feedback from now on and tell him every princess needs her beauty sleep! I think he likes pissing you off. It shows you care and he can get to you.

[Dilly]

I remember my friend telling me about an exchange she and her husband were having - he was accusing her of being spoiled, blah blah blah and she got up suddenly from the bed at night, went to the dresser and mysteriously returned. He said, what'd you do? She said she had to take off her crown. HAHAHAHA. Turn these stupid backstabbing incidents into jokes because that's the only way to conquer his cruelty, to waive the wand of humor and put him in his place. There is no power like that of humor.

[ImThatGirl]

I guess that's been part of my plan. To at least make it to the end of December. I told him I'd be here for him... I feel like I'd be abandoning him if I changed my mind.

 

I tried to reach out to him last night. He wouldn't talk. When he came to bed, I awoke and asked if he needed to talk about anything. He responded "No I'm tired" in a tone of voice that sounded like "LEAVE ME ALONE!" lol

 

I truly appreciate your suggestions of humor, Dilly. I'm really hoping I just don't hear from him today. I'm too tired to deal with him.

 

I can't help wanting to defend him even immediately after I mention something not so good.

 

I will do my best at laughing off what his "suggestions" - when I see him again.

 

Thank you so much for your time Everyone!

[Dilly]

God, what a punk! So essentially you DID reach out and not once, but at least twice? Yeah, I'd feel pretty helpless, but you know what, he wanted to be with you. Let him be a grump, see what company that keeps him. Certainly not yours!

[ImThatGirl]

God, what a punk! So essentially you DID reach out and not once, but at least twice? Yeah, I'd feel pretty helpless, but you know what, he wanted to be with you. Let him be a grump, see what company that keeps him. Certainly not yours!

 

 

We could assume he wanted to be with me. But I've gathered he just thinks I'll be mad if he decides not to stay over (after planning to.) I so wanted to tell him to just go home! But then I get "So you don't want me here?"

 

blahblahblahblahblahblahblah....

 

lol - Plus - We had snow this morning. Much better driving the short distance into work from my place than from his (and hour and 15 min away.)

 

Hahahaha

[candy604]

hm..sometimes ppl are like that b/c they enjoy hurting someone else or being above them ( higher status) so i guess it is some kind of control problem.

 

dILLY I just laughed so hard at ur story. That's a good story though!

[supernetter]

Men that have low self esteem will always mask it by making critism of others. It is never good enough for them what you do. Its a fairly common textbook trait.

 

Its also a very hard habit to break.

 

I suggest you find other options. While u still have them.

[turqoise]

Ashleigh, we sound like we`ve had the same life!

 

ITG, I hung onto the stunning, beautiful parts of our relationship in exchange for my self esteem and core individuality. He broke up with me 11 months in because he said I`d changed (!).

 

I understand what you`re feeling:

 

I know better than all of this. I do, I do. This is going against so many of my principles.

 

Yet I don't walk away. I think I've lost my strength. Sometimes I feel like I still have it and feel like I'm going to straighten this once and for all or walk away. But I never do it........... I know I have control and the ability to make the best decisions for all of us. So why is it that I don't do it?

 

You logically know, but you just can`t. You write to this forum, everyone tells you this guy is wrong, but you find yourself coming up with reasons to try. I really think that it`s because this kind of situation is no different to a serious addiction.

 

I think the best next step is to tell someone strong, who`s not afraid to make you do something, even if you change your mind or get mad. Tell them (or show them this thread - might be better if you find you`re sugar-coating your relationship etc) and ask them to help make you leave the relationship.

 

In my case, this was my sister - while I only described the good parts of our relationship to everyone and felt good, my sister drilled me firmly, didn`t take any of my bull * * * * answers then got it out of me that he wasn`t the one. If you have at least one person who seriously cares for your wellbeing to drag you kicking and screaming, back to safety, then I think you can get through this, and be available for The Perfect guy to be able to find you.

 

Lots love