Am I being selfish??

[xmrth]

My boyfriend and I just had our official 7yr anniversary. 7 years, is that too long to continue buying gifts for eachother? I know for anniversaries, they should be romantic and just thoughtful, and not always like something you'd get for a birthday, or for christmas. Last year I made him a scrapbook, which he doesn't like because apparently his pictures didn't come out good, but that's his own fault because he never lets me take pictures of us. And so this year I got him just some cute little anniversary things, nothing spectacular. But last year AND this year he didn't get me anything for our anniversary, not even flowers.

 

His sister's birthday is coming up and I was just asking him when. And he told me he and his mother are buying her some high end necklace, which I know the prices and they can be a lot, but it does depend. For my birthday this past summer I just got flowers... which I don't like flowers. So I mean, obviously I'm a little upset. He didn't get me anything even for Valentine's Day. So it's been about a year of nothing for V-Day, B-Day, Anniversary, and nothing. He's gotten me fine jewelry one year, and once several years ago, so it's not like he never ever has.

 

And I'm just upset... and for our anniversary, we didn't go anyplace too spectacular for dinner. I asked him, well why don't we go to town and go to a nice restaurant? And he said no, you have to make reservations. So... why didn't you make reservations? And he just asked me, well why didn't *I*?

 

He's not cheap and he's not this terrible person, if you can believe that from this or not. He pays for so many other things, like every time we go out for dinner he pays the majority, but that's because I'm making like nothing for money while in school and we don't like to stay in, so we get dinner on the weekends and drinks. So it's not like he never spends money.

 

But he said for my birthday, since we went away, why would he buy me some big thing? But we went away, and we both paid our own way! He didn't get me my plane ticket for my birthday or anything! And he's saying the same thing for our anniversary, because we may go away-- nothing big. But that was supposed to be for X-MAS, not for our anniversary... like now he's trying to make it seem like oh that's why I didn't get you anything again. But still, I'd be paying for my half of it, that was the plan!

 

He also said he doesn't know what to get me because I never tell him-- but I do, and he knows what I like and am into, especially after 7 years!

So I asked him, which is it? Nothing because you didn't know what to get me, or nothing because we went away (in which I still paid my own way)

 

 

I'm just really upset... and I feel selfish.

Just curious what other people think.

 

 

Martha

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Martha I've seen so many threads from you over the past year concerning your guy. Has it been a happy 7 years?

[xmrth]

You couldn't have PMed me this, like I don't want help on what I've posted or anything?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Well to be honest I think it may have a lot to do with it. But to answer the question, most couples have spoken with one another in the beggining about how they feel on gift giving. However if you feel he's not into giving gifts, so you feel shafted, why not just stop giving gifts as well. It's no game of any sort, it's just doing what he obviously feels more comfortable with.

 

Either that or you could try blatently flat out telling him how his lack of consideration makes you feel.

[xmrth]

I know what you mean but I am lost as to what to do. I flat out told him how it made me feel and then he just told me about the trip, and then how I don't tell him what I'd like, which are two separate excuses. I don't know how I'm doing to act today when he comes over and I want to at least think things through because I have no idea.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

He is really being inconsiderate if he feels the need to make excuses instead of just telling you that he doesn't feel the need to buy you anything.

 

I don't think presents are needed in a relationship, however I most certainly feel that open communication is. You expressed your sentiments, now he should as well.

[annie24]

I don't think you are selfish, I think you are just feeling underappreciated in general in your relationship. Maybe you wouldn't mind the lack of presents if he did other nice things for you all the time, or made you feel loved. I'd say, in general, he doesn't make you feel secure, which is why you are getting upset about the presents. I think his attitude towards you is pretty callous, and not loving. It's not about spending $49.99 on flowers or a trinket for you, but rather making you feel loved. And I don't think he's doing that. It's a big picture thing.

 

edit: no, I don't think 7 years is too long to be getting gifts for one another. I think it depends on the couple and their agreements. some couples do something big every year, others no. that said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to do something special to celebrate your anniversary.

[southerngirl]

I think if you stop the romance, one year or 20 years into a relationship... its the end of the relationship.... some have a slower death than others.

 

so to answer your question? Your not being selfish and yes, its not to 'late' to be giving gifts to eachother.

[Momene]

From what I've seen of your posts before I think you've probably outgrown this relationship. He isn't making you happy and I think it's time to spend a little time on your own. You're only 21 and been with the same guy since 14, so you've never experienced adult life without being part of a couple.

 

After a few weeks/months you will probably start dating again and find that this guy is not the only possibility in your life. You may even wish you's ditched him years ago.

[SarahRose]

I don't think you stop giving gifts after a certain number of years. My parents were married 50 years and always gifted each other on holidays and other special occasions. It just shows you are thoughtful and you care.

 

It sounds like he is taking you for granted. I agree with the others that maybe you have just outgrown this relationship if he is the only man you have been with since the age of 14.

[xmrth]

It's a week later and i gave it some time. I'm still bothered.

 

I am feeling under-appreciated. Even in other departments. I want to talk to him about it but this is something I feel like letting him see on his own, and it's weird. I'm usually all over him about things if they bother me... this bothers me a lot. I feel afraid of this turning around on me and being called selfish, even though I'm starting to see it's about appreciation. Because if he just expressed, it would be enough, and he's not.

[melrich]

It's not about being selfish at all. It's about how you feel. I am sure if he wrote you a poem and spent the day of your anniversary with you telling youhow much he loved you, you would be very happy with that. I get from what you are saying that it is not really about buying you presents as such.

[xmrth]

I feel really bad now because I wasn't supposed to complain to him about it anymore, and instead approach it in a different way in case he was completely clueless.

He wanted to go away for xmas, but only for like a weekend or something like that. And now that it's getting closer to xmas, he's saying he's not sure if we'll still go. I'm not sure why; our work schedules, particularly his, would only allow us to go away for one night, and as it would be for xmas, it will be snowy weather more than likely and where we wanted to go would be a 4 hour drive.

 

So now as it's getting closer to xmas, and I'm upset about how things have been for valentine's day, my birthday, our anniversary, and now xmas is coming up, I wanted to make sure I knew in time to figure out what we were going to do-- go away together or just give gifts, and he keeps saying he doesn't know.

When I gave him his anniversary gift, he said no you shouldn't have bought me anything-- we're going away! (but it was supposed to be JUST for xmas!)

 

So now, tonight I'm still upset about it and I'm thinking of going xmas shopping between tonight and tomorrow, and so I wanted an answer if we were going away or not, and he says "Well I was going to pay for it all!"

 

But it doesn't make sense... earlier today he admitted to if we still hadn't decided yet about the trip that we'd both not have anything for eachother for xmas.

 

So don't you think I should have asked like I did? I don't know if I fully believe him about that... paying for it all with how it was all being set up. Maybe he changed his mind and was going to, but then it should have been a surprise or else I'm going to want to know what's going on!

[freedom]

Momeme... sometimes your advice comes accross as harsh.... but they come accross to me as good food for thought.

[Momene]

Freedom,

 

I don't mean to be harsh. Many of the lessons I have learned myself the hard way.

 

Martha,

 

Don't expect men to see things for themselves. We need them spelled out. If you're not happy with certain aspects of a relationship, you need to talk, although timimg can be a problem. If you're unhappy with lots of aspects of a relationship, it could be a sign to end it.

[xmrth]

I still need advice... On my last day of my semester last week I talked to the therapist we have on campus about it. She said what Momene and I think someone else said, that some guys need it to be spelled out to them. And I feel like I did that (I did over this past weekend, and even the weekend before it). I told him things in a NICE way, for example, I went with a suggestion the therapist said, to compliment something he's given me already and how happy it made me, as a suggestion. It was jewelry, and my boyfriend said "Jewelry is too expensive" BUT he's gotten me jewelry before which was what I was referring to-- two things in one year 2 years ago now. I wear both pieces every single solitary day since I got them. And he's making way more money now than ever, and the pieces at that time were definitely under $500, I don't know how much under, but definitely under. And knowing him, that's not "too much" at all, but at the time he bought them, it was a little bit of a lot but not bad or anything because he was just starting out at work. So it was like okay... since when is jewelry too much.

 

Last night on the phone I decided to ask him about Christmas... I said let's figure out when to exchange gifts. Christmas? The night before Christmas Eve like always? We haven't decided yet, but he said to me "Well we're not exchanging because you're not getting anything." He didn't say that 100% seriously but he didn't sound like it was a flat out joke. I asked him a few times and he said "Well I didn't know what to get you, so you get coal."

 

I honestly think it sounds like he's kidding around but I am so scared because no matter what my hopes are up that he'll do something that shows he cares... I'm afraid I'll make it worse. I'm afraid he'd really not get me anything to end up surprising me later on or something. But the thing is, I feel like whenever I think I'll be surprised by him, I get let down. Like going away over the summer I thought maybe he'd propose (not 100% believe he would) and he didn't. I kind of wonder if maybe he's saving for a ring this way? And that I'd get so upset over the weekend over him not showing he cares by not exchanging with me, and that was like his grand plan all along was to get a ring.

He spends money each week with us on going out for dinner and whatnot, so maybe that's reason to save? But is he really saving that much by not giving anything for special occasions?

 

I just can't pretend I wouldn't be deeply hurt by him not getting me anything again... and if this was all due to a good reason I'd be afraid of ruining it, is the problem.

 

 

Martha