Fiance's ex-husband, holidays, etc.

[jdtx]

Here's some info.

 

Fiance has two young kids (5, 3) from her ex-husband.

She is now pregnant with my first. This was planned/wanted.

She is very close to her ex-in-laws

 

I didn't want to make a huge rant here, but it seems unavoidable, so sorry in advance.

 

I am not happy. I love her kids. I hate their dad, and by extension, his family. I wish none of them were in the picture, or at least playing a drastically reduced role. But instead, I think my fiance still loves her ex, and she definitely loves his family. She is probably far closer to them than she will ever be to mine, and that really bothers me. It's like my family isn't "good enough" for her, not compared to his anyway. And perhaps I'm not good enough either?

 

It's becoming painfully clear that she would rather spend holidays with him and his family than with me and mine. Put simply, his family is higher priority than mine. This is understandable due to the kids. I mean, it IS more appropriate for them to be with their blood family for the holidays, though they're perfectly welcome with mine. So let's go ahead and say it's necessary for the kids to see their grandma, uncles, etc. Fair enough.

 

But is it necessary for her to be there too? She would probably say she wants to be with her kids. Ok, again fair enough. Except that she hardly saw them at all this Thanksgiving. They ran off to go play and we got to spend quality time with her ex, which was incredibly awkward. So I don't buy that she "couldn't" be without her kids, that we couldn't have dropped them off and then spent time with my family. It's not like this was the first time. We went through this last year. But I think it bothers me more now that my own kid is on the way. In the future, I'm going to have a very serious problem with this situation if she even suggests that my kid spend the holidays with his family instead of my own (she doesn't want to "split up the kids". I don't either, but if that's what it comes down to then so be it)

 

I think she should be placing priority on her current/future family, more so than one from the past. She should want to spend the holidays with me, her future husband, more than her ex-husband. It's my family that will be joined with hers. We are her future. They are her past. I think it's incredibly disrespectful and insulting to favor his family over mine, and perhaps him over me. If any family should be coming in "last", it's his, not mine. Right now what it comes down to is this: They spend the holidays with his family. Period. I have the choice to join them or go be with my own family. I am basically an optional accessory. She can do without me and my family, but she can't do without him and his. Just the thought of that boils my blood.

 

What's going to happen in coming years when our baby is "out"? Absolutely, under no circumstances, will I accept my baby forsaking my family in favor of his. The only way I would even consider my kid going over there is if my family wasn't doing anything at the time and there was no overlap. And even then I have serious reservations about it. I do not want my baby having anymore association with him or his family than I can prevent. I want them to play a very minimal role at most, preferably none. Obviously none isn't an option due to the current kids.

 

This really sucks. I "technically" knew the situation I was getting into, though didn't have a full appreciation of what it would involve. But now I'm starting to wonder. I don't know if I can handle this. I can only hope that her priorities will change once the baby comes. If not, ..I don't know how long I can do this. I don't think I can handle "us" spending the holidays with him and his family, in general, but especially at the expense of mine. I don't think I can handle us just going out separate ways for the holidays, me seeing my family, and her over there with him instead of me. We are a couple. We will be husband and wife. We should not be spending the holidays apart, and she especially shouldn't be spending them with her ex when she could have been with me.

 

Sure, I can play ball and, for the sake of keeping "us" together, go spend my holidays with the anti-me, but at the cost of whatever is left of my dignity. I don't think I can do that. This whole thing feels like a lose-lose situation for me. I get screwed either way, I just get a choice of how I want it. I can either take myself and my kid to be with our family, while agonizing about my wife preferring to spend this time with her ex, OR I can ditch my family (and my self respect) to go watch my wife and her ex acting like they're still married and me feeling like the outsider (and my kid getting much closer to that family than what I want to happen).

 

Can anybody relate to this situation, these feelings? Can anyone tell me things will get better?

 

 

[BornToResist]

Oh my gosh, this is such a hard situation to be in!!

 

Welcome to Enotalone by the way!

 

I've never been in that predicament, but I'm having a baby with a guy who already has a daughter and I would be absolutely LIVID if he suggested my kid go to hang out with his ex for the holidays.

 

I don't have much advice, but I think you are perfectly justified in feeling the way that you do. She needs to figure out the balance, not you. You should not be forced into spending time with her ex and especially his family.

 

Good luck...

[chai714]

Since she's your fiance and you plan on spending the rest of your life with it, it's best these problems be worked out before walking down the aisle with her.

 

First and foremost, I see no reason why you're buying into her and her children having to spend holidays with your exes family. You two will have a new family and with that family will come new traditions. In other words, you will need to take charge and initiate the new traditions, which should not include her ex or that family.

[The Law]

Basically you underestimated the situation, and now your entangled. The only thing a fly can do when it flies in a spidersweb that it didn't notice is to try to get losoe from its stickyness with an enormous struggle. And quite frankly i think it will be an enormous struggle to deal with it.

 

As far as i see it you only have to options 'accept' or 'reject' , personally i would 'accept'

 

The reason for this is that wether you like it or not the 'three' of you will always be attached/connected to eachother, and to be honest you've already gone to far, you have a child with her, and that child needs you. She has two kids with him, who have the right to see their father, she has the right to see him,because she has the free will to be with whomever she wants. However this puts you in a all too difficult situation, however bear with it, find acceptance and unconditional love for him and his family, yes i know three is a crowd, but since this was something you could see beforehand, it would be the way of the coward to bail out. Lets face it ,this situation is up to in your neck, if you want to survive this odeal, then you'll have to have a long breath and hold out.

 

However in the worst case scenario that a divorce would take place, you would just have to throw it on a custody case that you have to discuss with a lawyer,(although i don't want such a situation at all). A lawyer however is expensive and should be avoided at all costs, and if custody struggles get ugly it can cost you your emotional and financial health. Most men wouldn't accept it, and i won't blame you if you don't. I personally wouldn't think about what's best from my point of view, but fight for my child.

[melrich]

I totally sympathise with you. Have you talked about this?

 

First thing I would do is print out this post and get her to read it to be honest. She needs to be hit between the eyes with where your head is at and this is a big issue.

 

I think you are on very solid ground with your feelings.

[Scout]

What exactly happened? Did you two not see your family at all on Thanksgiving? And does your family live in the same town?

[jdtx]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Anyway, we have discussed this before (especially in the days before Thanksgiving), and it no doubt needs more discussing, but I'm not ready to throw this at her yet. We've had a lot to get through lately, unrelated to this, and now that things are getting better between us I don't want to stir up this drama again just yet.

 

This Thanksgiving, I got to see my family in a rather limited capacity ..alone. This year my family and his didn't actually overlap. Mine and HERS overlapped. So I saw mine instead of hers. I wouldn't have minded seeing her family instead of mine though. I mean .. they are my family now too (or will be). Unfortunately, just before Halloween, the woman and I had a bad fight with her sister there, so her sis got a little gossipy and then like half her family hated me. There was the concern that some of them might say or start something if I showed up to Thanksgiving this year, so I went to see my own relatives, for a little while at least (I understand things are settled / cooled down now).

 

Shortly after lunch, we met back up at home and went together to her ex-family's house for dinner. That lasted well into the evening. She and her ex spent what must have been the last hour swapping store magazines discussing xmas gifts for THEIR kids while I just kind of sat there very uncomfortable, becoming increasingly anxious about "us" getting the hell out of there and going home.

 

So what it came down to is, the only significant holiday experience I had wasn't particularly with mine and wasn't with hers, but was with his. Now if my family did have evening plans (as is often the case), I wouldn't have seen them at all. It would not have changed her plans one bit. If it comes down to a direct competition between the families, mine automatically loses to his. This just doesn't seem right to me.

[Scout]

I don't see how she can't not be somewhat involved in her other children's family's holiday festivities, but I don't like that she didn't go with you to see your own family. And I'm sure your family noticed that, too.

 

It's a tough dilemma, and one that I hope will sort itself out for you as time goes on and your own family life together (including your step children and biological children) takes increasingly center stage. Speaking of which...I know this isn't related to your actual problem at the moment, but I did want to commend you for your dedication to her kids. You say you love them and I believe you.

 

Anyway, it's not easy taking on all these blended family obligations, I'm sure. There may not be an all purpose answer, at least not at this time.

 

But I'd like to see her take an equally active interest in your own family. All family is important and in blended families, it's critical that none feel left out or it just results in a lot of unpleasant feelings. Is this something you've talked about with her? Does she generally get along with your family and vice versa?

[Iceman26]

Oh man, what a nightmare. That sounds like the worst thing in situational hell that I have ever heard of.

 

I would sit down and have a talk with her about what is going to happen when your child is born, and I would be perfectly frank with her about your feelings and not wanting to go over to the ex's house for the holidays. To me it would be better to get this out now, before the baby is born.

[tictactoe2006]

Seen this kind of situation before. My advice:

 

RUN!!!!!

 

Seriously, a lot of women (not all mind you, but a good healthy portion) are indelibly hung up on one ex. I fear for you, man, that you'll end up getting destroyed by divorce court and child support, while she gets back with the ex, mumbling something about true love and singing "hootchie BANGBANG!!".

 

Oh, also fight for custody of your child. If her ex is so great, let her go back to him, WITHOUT your kid.

[jdtx]

I can't see myself ever leaving her, and want to do my best not make her want to leave me. Fighting for custody would be pretty pointless, here in TX at least. There is probably zero chance I'd be able to win. I don't want things to come to that anyway.

 

She is a good partner to me. She is a good and loving mother to her kids, and I know she'll be with ours. She doesn't think she's a good mom due to how little time she has right now between school and work. But she's trying to make a career for herself and for her family. I greatly appreciate and respect that and her working so hard to make a better life for her family does not make her a bad mom, it makes her a dedicated one. I adore this woman and have always looked forward to having a family with her.

 

I do believe she loves me, but it's just not as black & white as that. I'm not too worried about her getting back with her ex (he's in a weird situation that she really doesn't want to get involved with). But, that said, I do think she has some lingering affection for him, more than she would probably want to admit, and enough to get under my skin.

 

She just doesn't seem to have ANY problem still being in the company of her exs (we actually ran into another one last night). She just doesn't seem to feel any awkwardness at all about it, and she doesn't seem to understand why I do. She says she understands, but I'm highly skeptical about that. Is it that strange for me to not enjoy me (or her) being in the company of other guys she's had sexual relations with? I mean, look, I know these other guys exist, but I'd at least appreciate it not being rubbed in my face. That's what it feels like at times.

 

I can't stand being the in same room with a guy who has nailed my girl. I guess I'm just jealous like that. And then there's this guy who not only nailed her but impregnated her twice. Like the kids themselves aren't enough of a reminder of that, I get to spend my time with the man himself. That's just too much and I don't think I will ever "get used to it", nor do I feel it's fair that I should have to. To that, she would respond with "you know you don't have to be here" (this would mean either at the house that night, or with her at all). Yeah, like hell I don't! Just leave her and our kids over there spending their time with him instead of me? I don't think so. She and her kids are my family now, and I won't just go away and give them back to him without a fight, and this fight will become all the more heated once it involves a kid that is "really" mine.

 

I don't expect he or his family will never be out of the picture (as much as I'd like them to be), but must they really be of such overwhelming importance in our relationship and our future? Why can't my family be important too? Why does she still consider his family as hers, but not mine. Mine isn't good enough? Maybe we don't have as much money as his family, or as big of a house, or whatever.

 

But his family are not her in-laws anymore than he is still her husband. Guess who ARE going to be her in-laws? And it's not like they don't get along. My family likes her a lot, and she supposedly likes them. So my family likes her, we are getting married and have a kid on the way. What more does it take for my family to be as "worthy" as his (or preferably more)? The only difference is that she and him had some financial hardships involving them living with his parents. She lived with them for a while and became close. Well, if all goes well, we will never end up living with my parents. So I guess that's it. That's the only difference really, and possibly the reason why my family will never mean as much to her as his.

 

I know it's not exactly an easy situation for her either, but I wish she would be more understanding/supportive towards me and our future. She's been spending so much time with his mom lately, I think it's ridiculous. They've been practically tied at the hip at least since Thanksgiving, going out shopping together, spent two days baking at her house this weekend, and who knows what next. They'll probably be Christmas shopping together soon, I imagine. Does she do ANY of this stuff with my mom? Does she even ask her? Nope. I don't expect her to get super close to my mom overnight or anything, but the point is, she's not even trying ..and I don't think she's ever going to have much motivation to spend time with my mom as long as she doesn't start (at least somewhat) distancing herself from His mom/sis.

[Iceman26]

I think you should tell her pretty much what you just posted. I mean how cool would she be about it if the situations were reversed? That isn't exactly a comfortable setting for you.

[Scout]

I can't stand being the in same room with a guy who has nailed my girl. I guess I'm just jealous like that. And then there's this guy who not only nailed her but impregnated her twice. Like the kids themselves aren't enough of a reminder of that, I get to spend my time with the man himself. That's just too much and I don't think I will ever "get used to it", nor do I feel it's fair that I should have to.

 

Then why in the world did you ever get involved with her in the first place??? I have some real concerns now for you and your family if this is how you truly feel. I thought you loved these kids. I hope they mean a lot more to you than a reminder some other dude "nailed your girl." Yikes.

[jdtx]

I think you should tell her pretty much what you just posted. I mean how cool would she be about it if the situations were reversed? That isn't exactly a comfortable setting for you.

 

I really don't get the impression that she's given the empathy approach a whole lot of thought. There is so much agony she has put me through that I try (often unsuccessfully) not to make a huge deal of. But it's just not fair. I don't have the kind of past that she does. I don't have things in my life like this for her to deal with. I don't have any pre-existing kids, or exs, or much of anything else that ever pops up in my life that she has to get used to.

 

I am her's, totally. She doesn't have to compete for my time or devotion (though she might argue my attachment to the computer). I just don't feel like it's true the other way around. Sure, she's used the "hey, I'm with you now, not them" line, but has that ever really made anyone feel better? It doesn't seem to for me. It feels like, since he got to plant his seed first, she was his then and always will be to some degree. Though I technically have her now and have planted a seed of my own, I feel like I and my family are still just playing catch-up, and perhaps always will be. Because we came in "last place", that's the status we're stuck with. We just get whatever is left of her when she can squeeze in a break from his family or her own, and even that is only if she feels like it.

[jdtx]

Then why in the world did you ever get involved with her in the first place??? I have some real concerns now for you and your family if this is how you truly feel. I thought you loved these kids. I hope they mean a lot more to you than a reminder some other dude "nailed your girl." Yikes.

 

I don't hold that against them, and as long as it's just me, her, and them, it's very easy to forget about it and think of them as "ours". But adding him to the equation in-person makes that a bit harder. It's already hurt me enough in the past to see them treat him like a celebrity and ignore me when we all get together. Talk about feeling like substitute-dad. But I'm more or less over that. I've accepted that he's going to be the cool dad and I'll be the one with the rules (he, like grandparents, can spoil them because he doesn't have to deal with them later). I think it's easier to accept that, though, knowing that I have one of my own on the way, one that is truly mine. I think once I have my own to focus my attention on, his celeb status shouldn't bother me so much.

[SexySadie7]

Well, jdtx.. i would DEFINITELY discuss this with your fiance. After all.. soon she will be your wife, not his!

I am sure you are uncomfortable in this situation. anyone would be.

I was dating this guy and he had to have dinner with his ex-in-laws cuz they had taken his son & him to dinner. I came over and he was complaining about a horrible headache.. i wonder where that came from... so other people are uncomfortable around their ex-in-laws too...

People just don't understand what it's like either, being the single person and having to suddenly fit into this previously existing family unit.

YOu are like the odd man out.. cuz that's how society deals with single people. But.. you are also the father of her upcoming child! I'm really surprised, given the fact she's pregnant by you.. she's paying so little to your concerns.

Have you expressed any of these concerns to her face to face? Or just posted them on the net.. and are secretly seething each time you have to deal with the ex and his family.

Cuz that's not healthy at all for you.. You need to come clean and let your fiance know how highly uncomfortable you are in the setting so you two can work things out amiably.

Don't let things fester.

[n83]

I think if the ex's family wants to be a stable and generous support system for your unborn baby, why are you so defensive about it? It seems that overall you're insecure about HER relationship/feelings for her ex. You need to talk to her about it. Taking it out on your child, however, by making him or her feel "different" from the other kids, really won't help anything.

 

Your famliy does not have to suffer because of her relationship with your child. Just keep in mind though, if they're welcoming and treat your child nicely, that shows incredible strength on their part and they should be welcome in your child's life. It takes a village to raise a family.

 

That being said, you really need to talk to your fiance and tell her how she's making you feel.

[Rabican]

 

As far as i see it you only have to options 'accept' or 'reject' , personally i would 'accept'

.

 

He has 3 options. Accept, reject, and COMPROMISE which is what relationships are all about.

 

Now next year shes gonna have your kid too. What is her plan for the holidays then? I hope she doesnt expect you to spend your holiday with the family of her ex... That certainly wouldnt fly for me.

 

So Id suggest this. She spends the holidays with you, and your children at your place. If the ex wants to see the kids, he can come by and see the kids. And then if you want, you can let his (her) kids go with him and spend the night at grandmas house or whatever. But you shouldnt be spending the day with the ex and family that you hate. And she shouldnt be putting you in that situation. And the kids shouldnt be denied seeing their 'father' if you can call him that. And you shouldnt be spending the holidays without your wife to be. Shes gotta find a way to fit you, and the children into the holidays without making anyone (you) hate their life on that given day. So you gotta find the way to make everyone happy, or at least as happy as possible given the sticky akward situation that has been produced.

[Rabican]

Here's some info.

 

 

 

What's going to happen in coming years when our baby is "out"? Absolutely, under no circumstances, will I accept my baby forsaking my family in favor of his. The only way I would even consider my kid going over there is if my family wasn't doing anything at the time and there was no overlap. And even then I have serious reservations about it. I do not want my baby having anymore association with him or his family than I can prevent. I want them to play a very minimal role at most, preferably none. Obviously none isn't an option due to the current kids.

 

 

 

Your child should have nothing more than a passing aquaintance with the ex, and his family. If your wife to be cannot understand and accept this... then Id have to say maybe she should be with the ex, and not you.

[Scout]

Your child should have nothing more than a passing aquaintance with the ex, and his family.

 

I disagree. His step-children are going to be his biological child's blood-related relatives. In a way, all the family members involved, whether biological or step, are related through these children now. I think all the blended families here should make an effort at taking turns on the holidays for hosting get togethers.

[n83]

I disagree. His step-children are going to be his biological child's blood-related relatives. In a way, all the family members involved, whether biological or step, are related through these children now. I think all the blended families here should make an effort at taking turns on the holidays for hosting get togethers.

 

Absolutely, I agree 100% with Scout ... frankly your significant other has had sex with others, has a whole history with other guys that has nothing to do with you, and you need to get over it. If you continue to act like this, you're going to lose her and everything you want out of your life.

[Rabican]

I disagree. His step-children are going to be his biological child's blood-related relatives. In a way, all the family members involved, whether biological or step, are related through these children now. I think all the blended families here should make an effort at taking turns on the holidays for hosting get togethers.

 

His biological child, and the step children can have all the relationship they can have... theyre gonna be living together. However, IF hes not comfortable with the ex's family, then there is NO REASON for HIS biological child to be spending any more time than necessary with the exes parents. They are not his childs grandparents... they are technically nothing to him except an aquaintence through his wife to bes other children. I vote keep them as far away from that situation as possible. Not to mention I think thats probably a foot in the door for beginning to put the brakes on the whole holidays at the ex situation.