Xmas budget from boyfriend

[lilred]

I've been dating this guy for 6 months. We are both in established careers and make a decent living (e.g. we are both homeowners.) Anyhow, do you think that it's normal for him to ask what our budget is for each other regarding xmas presents? It seems quite unromantic to me plus this is our 1st xmas together. Or is he just cheap?

[Jayar]

It's hard to say... On the one hand it's unromantic. On the other, I completely understand where he's coming from. As someone who always put a lot of effort into thoughtful gifts for my ex (and he was a pain in the butt to buy for because he didn't want or need ANYTHING) I admit, I found it rather heartbreaking to get a collection of miscellaneous dust-collector items that amassed to about $50 on our first Christmas, and a MICROWAVE of all things last Christmas. As sad as it sounds, I'm actually glad I don't have to be with him this year from that perspective.

 

He could be asking because he's not sure how serious the relationship is. As in, he might be thinking "jewellery" but wants to be careful just in case you are thinking "black socks". On the other hand, it's not something you necessarily need to explicitly state... It's a risk you both get to take.

 

On that note, however, if you don't get a thoughtful romantic gift, then drop him. Honestly. It comes back to bite you if you don't (in my experience). For instance that microwave? Like $40... But for that same $40 he could have bought a sterling silver heart pendant on a simple chain. See the difference? It isn't about what he SPENDS, but it's totally about what he SAYS. I learned the hard way that a guy who doesn't give you jewellery, perfume, bath stuff, etc. (no matter how inexpensive) just isn't into you!

 

As an aside... Can you believe he actually thought I was hard to buy for?! If he'd given me ANYTHING a guy traditionally gets a girl he'd have scored big points... I guess he was afraid a necklace or perfume might suggest he was actually into me. But a microwave for our second Christmas together?! Come on!

[Iceman26]

I think it is reasonable. My wife and I have budgets for each others family and for each other. To me it isn't being cheap, it is being smart with money.

[Iceman26]

MICROWAVE of all things last Christmas. As sad as it sounds, I'm actually glad I don't have to be with him this year from that perspective.

 

 

Oh come on, he may have sprung for the new ironing board or washing machine this year!

[laboheme]

Jayar, could you maybe send that guy my way? My ex was very keen on getting me girly stuff, which is not at all practical. I would have appreciated a microwave!

 

And yes, I agree with everyone in that it's not terribly romantic, but perfectly reasonable to establish a mutual budget so that one person doesn't feel guilty for underspending and the other one doesn't feel like a fool overspending...Gifts should reflect the level of interest and commitment, and since the levels of interest and commitment should ideally match, the gifts should also match somewhat (within reason, of course.)

[lilred]

Iceman, it's cool to set a budget for you and your wife, but this is a guy i've been dating for only 6 months? is that still cool?

[bambina maxima]

I think it's perfectly fine that he's trying to establish a guideline. I do this with all of my friends and family. In the past I've felt guilty or made others feel guilty because there was no communication about christmas expectations. Now we come out and say it: "Do you want to exchange christmas presents? Should we cap it?" It's very rare that I have money to spare, but I like giving gifts (it's the thought!!!) so I say "Sure, let's exchange, and let's not spend more than X bucks." That way neither of us feels awkward when it comes time to exchange gifts.

 

Do you expect something expensive? Do you have any idea what you'll be getting him? As it's your first christmas, there is no precedent for gift-giving. He doesn't know if you'll be getting him a scarf or an ipod, and he wants to make sure he doesn't mess up. I wouldn't take offense at all.

[Beec]

I think it is reasonable esp. for a first Christmas. You need to know the ballpark in which you should be spending. If he buys you something that is worth hundreds, and you buy him something that is worth $20, there is a disconnect on the level of giving. Now, these are suppsoed to be gifts, but there should be a range of value. Ask him about the range he expects, and then hope he is high in the range and/or puts in the time to get soemthing that is perfect for YOU.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I do not think it is unromantic or unreasonable. You both have not been dating long so it would not make sense to spend a boat load of money on one another. I think having a price range or a budget keeps the spending reasonable and equal.

 

For example, what if you went and bought a real expensive I-Pod or some kind of gadget that costs way more than your boyfriend spent, and your boyfriend bought you less expensive or practical things. How would that make the both of you feel? I feel a budget keeps things reasonable, makes matters less awkward and equal.

 

Your Christmas can be special and romantic, it is what you both make of it. It is my belief Christmas is not about giving and receiving and how much money one can spend, it is being thankful for our blessings and appretiating being with our friends and loved ones.

[Iceman26]

Iceman, it's cool to set a budget for you and your wife, but this is a guy i've been dating for only 6 months? is that still cool?

 

Well, I think that is where it comes down to the actual budget itself. Has he told you how much he wants you both to spend on each other?

[Beec]

What's you boyfriend's email, I will tell him the exact right thing to get a woman you've been dating for six months: cashmere. It worked for me a couple years ago.

[Jayar]

Oh come on, he may have sprung for the new ironing board or washing machine this year!

 

Darn it! And I was healing so well from the break-up before you mentioned this... Heck, at least the washing machine would come in a box I could make into a GREAT playhouse for my cats!

[Jayar]

Jayar, could you maybe send that guy my way? My ex was very keen on getting me girly stuff, which is not at all practical. I would have appreciated a microwave!

 

It's funny that the microwave is the only thing I didn't throw down the garbage chute when we broke up... In part because it wouldn't fit, but also because it's my constant reminder of the engagement ring I did NOT get last year. I smile every time I use the damn thing.

[Alezia]

It's funny that the microwave is the only thing I didn't throw down the garbage chute when we broke up... In part because it wouldn't fit, but also because it's my constant reminder of the engagement ring I did NOT get last year. I smile every time I use the damn thing.

 

What are you talking about, it's every little girl's dream to receive a microwave at christmas!! Pftt diamond engagment rings, you are so untradional! =P

[RayKay]

I think it is reasonable personally. It is both to keep the expectations reasonable, and to make it "fair" and avoid issues of maybe resentment or guilt about what is spent.

 

I think it is also important as even if you both have stable careers and so on, there are other expenses that won't be the same.One may have a lot of family members & friends for example to buy for, whereas the other partner may not.

 

Even if you can afford more, sometimes it can make one uncomfortable too.

 

I really don't see anything unromantic about it, because you can find a thoughtful gift at ANY budget.

[Siriana]

It would be just fine if you were married - but since you're not, well it is definitely not romantic.

Hm, he might be:

1. not romantic (not such a big deal -but pain in the * * *)

2. cheap (awfull)

3. not experienced in dating (which mean you'll have to teach him everything, hm......)

 

Don't say him the budget - and see what he comes up with.

[treefrogkate]

On that note, however, if you don't get a thoughtful romantic gift, then drop him. Honestly. It comes back to bite you if you don't (in my experience). For instance that microwave? Like $40... But for that same $40 he could have bought a sterling silver heart pendant on a simple chain. See the difference? It isn't about what he SPENDS, but it's totally about what he SAYS. I learned the hard way that a guy who doesn't give you jewellery, perfume, bath stuff, etc. (no matter how inexpensive) just isn't into you!

 

I explicitely told my boyfriend I would be very disappointed if he got me jewelry. It's cliched and I find that to be a heck of a lot less thoughtful than, for example, finding out that I used to love a certain Peanuts book when I was growing up, searching it out, and giving that to me for my birthday. In your case, I'd rather have the microwave, at least I'd use it.

 

I'd much rather know about how much to spend in advance. What's so unromantic about it? Especially after dating for only 6 months, he is trying to feel out what your expectations are. Perhaps you can turn it back on him before you answer and say "I don't know, what were you thinking?" and then have a meaningful discussion about it.

[Jayar]

I explicitely told my boyfriend I would be very disappointed if he got me jewelry. It's cliched and I find that to be a heck of a lot less thoughtful than, for example, finding out that I used to love a certain Peanuts book when I was growing up, searching it out, and giving that to me for my birthday. In your case, I'd rather have the microwave, at least I'd use it.

 

There is a HUGE difference between a thoughtful gift like the Peanuts book and a microwave! For the same amount of money as the microwave he could also have found out what my favourite movie was (that I didn't own) and buy me the DVD.

 

And it's also different if you explicitly state no jewellery! I didn't explicitly state no jewellery. In fact, I WISH he got me something along the lines of what my little brother got HIS girlfriend of only 2 or 3 months, LOL.

 

In my case it's totally about what his complete lack of consideration and thought said. He absolutely didn't want to even accidentally suggest he might be romantically into me. There's a difference between avoiding the cliche gifts because SHE doesn't want them, and avoiding them because she might get the wrong idea that you... uh... might LOVE (shudder) her.

 

It should have been no surprise he dumped me because he wasn't into me. Put it this way, the effort he put into buying for the REST of his family, including going to like 10 stores to find the kids' toys, ordering a special team jersey online for his brother in law, and finding the EXACT figurine his mother wanted from a catalog she ordered months before, made it crystal clear that they were priorities in his life.

 

Even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt about the microwave, he got me a black one (which was fine actually) but because he said he "wanted to get a white one but they didn't have one so he had to get black" it really stung even more... Yeah, so not only did I get a microwave, I got a microwave he picked up likely at Walmart off the shelf in the aisle on his way out of the mall after buying everyone ELSE'S carefully thought out gifts.

 

It's the principle of the thing. And his lack of consideration in the gift giving said LOADS. It's just something for a girl to be aware of.

[treefrogkate]

In my case it's totally about what his complete lack of consideration and thought said. He absolutely didn't want to even accidentally suggest he might be romantically into me. There's a difference between avoiding the cliche gifts because SHE doesn't want them, and avoiding them because she might get the wrong idea that you... uh... might LOVE (shudder) her.

 

True. I guess I just bristled at what I thought was essentially saying "No jewelry = DUMP!"

 

Not to play devil's advocate, but are you generally a practical person? Perhaps he got the impression that you wouldn't want him to spend money on extravagent things, and you really needed a microwave? I don't know. I got my boyfriend a memory card for his phone for his birthday because he mentioned he wanted one once. Not exactly romantic, but I thought he'd like it.

 

ANYWAY, this is all off-topic, and to bring it back to the OP, talk to him!

[RayKay]

True. I guess I just bristled at what I thought was essentially saying "No jewelry = DUMP!"

 

Not to play devil's advocate, but are you generally a practical person? Perhaps he got the impression that you wouldn't want him to spend money on extravagent things, and you really needed a microwave? I don't know. I got my boyfriend a memory card for his phone for his birthday because he mentioned he wanted one once. Not exactly romantic, but I thought he'd like it.

 

ANYWAY, this is all off-topic, and to bring it back to the OP, talk to him!

 

treefrog,

 

My boyfriend is the same way - he likes practical things, and he will make MENTIONS of what he wants.

 

So I pay attention to that.

 

He stated one year all he wanted was a new band for his watch (this was way before me), he stated it a few times, but he got teddy bears instead (or something) So after that story, I do make sure to listen!

 

This year, he is getting something "practical" that he really does want, and something thoughtful, that I know he really enjoys but would not buy for himself.

 

I too am the same way though, I am quite practical, and like things I can use, but thoughtful really is the MAIN thing for me (as it is for my boyfriend). Though, I am not opposed to jewellery! One of the "most thoughtful" gifts he gave me was a necklace with a turtle pendant on it (simple, silver flat one) that he brought back from a trip. Why? Well, he knew as a kid I always called myself turtle before I could say my name, and I identified with them as my power animal of sorts....

 

 

Anyway, we don't specifically set budgets, but we do discuss it in a way, in we know one anothers financial situations and also have our own house so also have to consider "new roof" v. "elaborate Christmas present"!

[bebecole]

a microwave?? wow. i think my ex was a little worse. one christmas i bought him a 300$ mp3 player, and i got sum junky silver jewlery and stuff from the dollar store (those crappy kicknacks) and thermal pjs. i was pretty disapointed but i could tell he was really embarresed and felt cheap, atleast were not together anymore..

 

you should def, ask him about a budget.

[Siriana]

Oh, since people are talking about horrible gifts they got I simply have to join the discussion

 

My ex (emphasis on the word ex) was cheap - but only when it comes to me, he was buying expencive stuff to himself. Also he was buying nice presents to his parents.

It is still amazing that the guy actually cared for me, and that I dumped him, it would be logical the opposit.

Important info was 29 back than.

 

After 3 months of dating (still fresh) it was my birthday so he bought me a CD of a singer that I mildly like (hm,.. looks like someone was not paying attention) but I didn't find anything offencive in that. It was wrapped really nice, I wondered where he wrapped it - that was the only thing I really liked about my present.

My mom had a comment later: where was the flower? At least a single rose since he spend so little.

I looked at my mother as she was crazy. But she was persistent that such things speak about the person a lot. I ignored her (Why, oh why? sometimes you just need to listen to your mom).

 

I told him later that he wrapped the present so nice and he said to me - oh, yes I wraped it at the florist.

What the hell?! He was at the florist and he didn't find apropriate to buy me a single rose What manners.

 

Later it has been evident that a guy was cheap (this present was just a small pointer to that) and without manners.