I am stupid, yes?

[pherb]

Stupid question, but...is it unreasonable for a person to be jealous over things his/her partner has done with other ppl BEFORE the two were even together? I find myself in this position all of the time. I hate hearing about past relationships, etc. hate it, hate it, hate it. How do I get over this? and also, is this normal?

[Scout]

Let me ask you something. You say you hate hearing about past relationships. Are you asking questions about these, though?

 

If so, stop.

[shikashika]

Stupid question, but...is it unreasonable for a person to be jealous over things his/her partner has done with other ppl BEFORE the two were even together? I find myself in this position all of the time. I hate hearing about past relationships, etc. hate it, hate it, hate it. How do I get over this? and also, is this normal?

 

 

yes its unreasonable!!

 

Only you can change this... we all have difficulties dealing with certain aspects in our life.. and this is just one of those things taht is difficult for you, but YOU need to figure out a way nto to let it bother you.. what works for me will not work for you.

 

you also have had a life before you meet your partners.. Does it bother you about things YOU have done?

 

Ask yourself... WHY does it bother you? is it just you dont' like to picture them with someone else?

[Dako]

If your partner has the bad taste to bring up past experiences for no good reason, maybe it's not the past, but the present that's stressing you.

 

If you don't dwell on it, it shouldn't matter.

[shikashika]

I think dako and Scout bring up good points... don't ask if you dont' want to hear about things... however, once you get into a relationship it is inevitable you will her about exes or things anyway... things WILL come out.. whether intentional or not... and just maybe your partner is the kind of person who likes to be open.

 

personally i would much rather be with a guy who is open and honest about his past... even if i hear tidbits about their past 'experiences'.... in fact sometimes you can have a good chuckle over them..

 

for me...if a guy tries to hide everything and anything that he did in his past wit h his ex partners, I would find it more difficult to be open with him

[jengh]

everyone makes a very good point, which i definitely agree with..

BUT...yes, I have felt that from time to time (just letting my imagination run wild...)...and I just have to STOP myself and say "okay...you are being ridiculous and unreasonable. there is a reason they broke up and a reason he is with you now"... take the time to really think about why you're jealous

[Dako]

Exactly.

If the ex was such a catch, why are they an ex?

[shikashika]

i remember one time i was with my boyfriend and he was talkign about his ex and he said " Boy did she ever had a great rack!... now i'm pretty small... so it made me think 'hmnnn' for amoment... but i think he felt so stupid about saying such a thing... I even bugged him about it for bit... then he got back to me... he he!

 

i thinking my early twenties this sort of thing used to bug me more... i remember with my first 'real' boyfriend... i hated the theough of him and his ex....

 

but now... i realise that i'm not going to meet any guy who's never been with anyone before... or never been in love with anyone before...and yes , some of those girls may have bigger boobs, nicer skin, firmer bum whatever...but i just learned to accept that..

 

pherb, what about YOUR past?..... do you think there is anything about it that would bother your future partner?

[Baby Carrot]

Oh man, I had a serious case of jealousy cuz of this.

 

For 4+ years.

 

With the ex.

 

It was horrible. I was so hurt about the things he did with other people, that it turned into a taboo.

 

In this case, it was probably a downward spiral, where he would use this like for torturing me in a subtle way or something. He was also nuts about what I did in the past with other people, it was absolutely destructive.

 

So what's ur situation exactly? You hear the this things because you ask or because he mentions them for no reason?

[Baby Carrot]

And no, ur not stupid, you're just letting it affect you, when is quite pointless to suffer from things that happened in someone else's past. Think about it. Is useless, so let go.

[Sally00]

Don't worry about it.

 

The only thing I get bothered about over is the fact that my boyfriend had sex with an ex-girlfriend. And I'm saving myself for marriage and he totally respects that. Just the fact that he didn't save himself for ME.... I don't know. It's not like he knew he was gonna end up with me anyways.

 

Don't let it get to you. Realize that the other person is with YOU now. And that's all that matters.

[heyguys]

Exactly.

If the ex was such a catch, why are they an ex?

 

what if they had no choice and were dumped..how should you think about it then?? and not be jealous even though they were dumped??

[heaven]

But he is with you now. And I'm sure there are people or experiences from your past that he'd rather not think about. With this said, I know you can't help how you feel and feelings are never stupid, but sometimes it's necessary to change how you look at things for your own sake. Accept the fact that you cannot go back and change the past.

 

Now, if he's bringing up these girls from the past without you asking first, then I would say, "Baby, please. I really don't want to hear about this." And you can say it in a sweet or playful kind of way. If he keeps doing it after that, I would be alot less sweet about it.

[caro33]

But he is with you now. And I'm sure there are people or experiences from your past that he'd rather not think about. With this said, I know you can't help how you feel and feelings are never stupid, but sometimes it's necessary to change how you look at things for your own sake. Accept the fact that you cannot go back and change the past.

 

Now, if he's bringing up these girls from the past without you asking first, then I would say, "Baby, please. I really don't want to hear about this." And you can say it in a sweet or playful kind of way. If he keeps doing it after that, I would be alot less sweet about it.

 

I agree.

 

But all the advice in the world sometimes can't help your natural reaction. I also torture myself on a regular basis with the information I have been given about his exes, one in particular. He lets things drop and doesn't even realise what he's said sometimes, and there I am, over-analysing, and storing the information away for future retrieval to roll around in my brain and make me insecure...I know all kinds of stuff about her and his relationship with her that I wish I could purge from my brain.

 

I write the below with the provisio that you have done all you can to establish boundaries about exes and yet you are still upset over even reasonable and understandable references (like I am).

 

I wish there was an easy answer, but I think it comes down to that awful cliche of thinking positive. By thinking about this stuff you are actively reinforcing those parts of your brain dedicated to fretting about exes and being insecure. You are enabling the problem to keep going, to get stronger. I think that the only thing that can help is positive self-affirmation along the lines of what people are saying, whatever works for you, and then just distract yourself when you start to get upset. Manage it, and don't be too hard on yourself, or him. These moments happen even when you're both doing your best; let it go and move past those times as swiftly as you can!

[silentalways]

maybe i am weird this way but if i am with someone, there is nothing about there past that i would ever find threatening to me - in fact, learning about their past allows you to know more about them. it wouldn't matter if they had been with a zillion people, because what only matters is the present and i don't understand how this works for me but when i am in a serious relationship with someone, because i do so fully and completely, it is like everything else is erased - meaning, because everyone is so unique and we never are in the same relationship twice, my focus is only on that - its actually a really great positive vibe - i love it.

[caro33]

maybe i am weird this way but if i am with someone, there is nothing about there past that i would ever find threatening to me - in fact, learning about their past allows you to know more about them. it wouldn't matter if they had been with a zillion people, because what only matters is the present and i don't understand how this works for me but when i am in a serious relationship with someone, because i do so fully and completely, it is like everything else is erased - meaning, because everyone is so unique and we never are in the same relationship twice, my focus is only on that - its actually a really great positive vibe - i love it.

 

My husband has the same amazing philosophy and I am deeply envious. His sheer lack of jealousy or freaking out over the past is the main reason, I think, that he's never understood that there was stuff he should not have shared. It's a pure and lovely way to be, but it drives me mad sometimes.

[Rabican]

Yes I think its unreasonable to be jealous about things that happened before you.

 

However, it wouldnt be 'entirely' unreasonable to at least be concerned. For example, if your girl slept with the ENTIRE college football team, in one night.. that might not be something that you just want to dismiss altogether.

 

Dont be crazy jealous... but dont be willing to let everything slide either. If your girl cheated in the past for example... make a mental note of that. She may be changed... but she may be a cheater.

[blindfold]

oh don't feel bad about it, it's perfectely normal... you want him/her to be with you, and to love you, not to compare you to anyone else... i think the real problem is that your insecurity may lead you to think that your significant other might compare you to his/hers exs. believe me it's not easy, but you'll deal with it in time...