Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 The only one I have a problem with is the first, we do have a friendship as a result of our past relationship. This is something we both have enjoyed for seven years. I do not think it is right to cheat, and only want to be with my wife. I have learned how much damage is done by cheating, and I have no plans on doing this EVER again. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 I do not think it is right to cheat, and only want to be with my wife. I have learned how much damage is done by cheating, and I have no plans on doing this EVER again. That is a very good step in the right direction. To be honest, I'm a wife myself and I would never tolerate an affair, or a friendship with the woman who was part of the affair. Your wife must REALLY REALLY adore you to put up with it. Just remember the vows you stated the day you looked into her eyes at the alter. You are suppose to love, honor, and cherish her. Being friends with the woman whom you cheated with is not very honorable. You have a lot of choices of friends in this world. They do not have to be women, and especially not women you've slept with. we do have a friendship as a result of our past relationship. This is something we both have enjoyed for seven years At the expense of your marriage however- it shows every time you have an argument with your wife. Your spouse is ALWAYS more important than your friends. Both of you (her ridicule, bitterness, words, your actions as far as remaining friends with someone you cheated with, right in the face of your wife) have become so disconnected from the meaning of what marriage is supposed to be about that I truly fear for the both of you unless some major changes occur. BellaDonna Link to comment
Jayar Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 The only one I have a problem with is the first, we do have a friendship as a result of our past relationship. This is something we both have enjoyed for seven years. I do not think it is right to cheat, and only want to be with my wife. I have learned how much damage is done by cheating, and I have no plans on doing this EVER again. Didn't you indicate in a past response that you liked having the attention and liked keeping the door open for SEX with the OW? Isn't that cheating? Or do you mean after your wife has finally had enough of you and left you of her own accord? Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 Didn't you indicate in a past response that you liked having the attention and liked keeping the door open for SEX with the OW? Isn't that cheating? Or do you mean after your wife has finally had enough of you and left you of her own accord? Wow, this is getting extreme now..... so talking to a woman is now cheating? Is it not possible for two people to be friends after they have been lovers? Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Is it not possible for two people to be friends after they have been lovers? I guess my answer to that would be: No, it's not ok. Not if it hurts your spouse, whom is supposed to be more important than any friend. What does your wife say about the friendship? That's what REALLY matters, not what we say. BellaDonna Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 No. And especially not after you have betrayed another person by it. Your wife will not get over it as long as this woman is still hanging over her head and I don't blame her. I would have taken my self-respect and the kids and got rid of you long ago. Link to comment
Beec Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Wow, this is getting extreme now..... so talking to a woman is now cheating? Is it not possible for two people to be friends after they have been lovers? No, it's not. But conitnuing to have contact with the OW is going to make your wife feel insecure. Each time she hears that the OW called, it is picking at the wound from your betrayal. Give up the OW for the sake of your marriage. Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 I guess my answer to that would be: No, it's not ok. Not if it hurts your spouse, whom is supposed to be more important than any friend. What does your wife say about the friendship? That's what REALLY matters, not what we say. BellaDonna She hates this woman, yet at the same time she is interested in what is going on in her life. In a way I think she likes knowing how hard of a time this woman is having. I think she also thinks she is going to get what she deserves in the long run as this woman has had a pattern of going after married (or at least in a relationship) men in the past. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 She hates this woman, Understandably so. Isn't that enough grounds to stop talking to this woman. You and your wife waste valuable time and energy every time you bother to care about what (or perhaps in this case who) this woman is doing. BellaDonna Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 Understandably so. Isn't that enough grounds to stop talking to this woman. You and your wife waste valuable time and energy every time you bother to care about what (or perhaps in this case who) this woman is doing. BellaDonna this is true Link to comment
Dako Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Part of restoring trust after you broke it may require you to sacrifice this friendship that you just implied involves keeping the OW as an option for sex. Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 Part of restoring trust after you broke it may require you to sacrifice this friendship that you just implied involves keeping the OW as an option for sex. I only see the OW twice a year as she lives in another state, so it is not like I can just see her when ever I get the urge for sex. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 I only see the OW twice a year as she lives in another state, How do you end up seeing her twice a year? How does your wife feel about that? BellaDonna Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 How do you end up seeing her twice a year? How does your wife feel about that? BellaDonna She flies in for Business about twice a year... most of the time it is not that big of a deal. But last April it was bad as we ended up spending the night together. (Not planned) Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 But last April it was bad as we ended up spending the night together. (Not planned) So the sexual aspect of the affair has NOT been over for the past 7 years then.... All I can say is if you're not happy and you're going to keep cheating, it's probably best if you leave your wife and let her move on and find someone who will be faithful to her. Not everyone is cut out for the commitment of a marriage. It's "ok" to give up and to be happy in your own life too (i.e. sex with who you want when you want) but don't string a wife and family along.... BellaDonna Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 So the sexual aspect of the affair has NOT been over for the past 7 years then.... All I can say is if you're not happy and you're going to keep cheating, it's probably best if you leave your wife and let her move on and find someone who will be faithful to her. Not everyone is cut out for the commitment of a marriage. It's "ok" to give up and to be happy in your own life too (i.e. sex with who you want when you want) but don't string a wife and family along.... BellaDonna See I think in the perfect world I would probably be single, but I love my wife and family so it is too hard to let go of that.... Link to comment
Jayar Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 This is just such a sad situation. I hope by some divine miracle your wife catches wind of this thread and it is the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back... She deserves so much better than you are giving her. And BTW, yes, you are cheating. You are emotionally betraying your beautiful wife with every phone call, visit, and night spent together (even if unplanned). It's just sad that your wife didn't have someone to warn her about men like you. Link to comment
Beec Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 She flies in for Business about twice a year... most of the time it is not that big of a deal. But last April it was bad as we ended up spending the night together. (Not planned) So you cheated again last April, which makes you a serial cheater, and who cares if it was planned or not planned. How does she know when you have learned to stop cheating? Have you? Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 See I think in the perfect world I would probably be single, but I love my wife and family so it is too hard to let go of that.... You can still see your family and be a good father if you're single. If you love your wife deeply, then you should not want to see her hurt and you only want what's best for her. A cheating husband is not best for her. She will move on. You should never have doubts about whether single life is better than married life. If you do- I honestly think you should not be married. You might not be cut out for it. Did you meet your wife at a young age? BellaDonna Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 So this affair is NOT 7 years in the past, if you are still seeing the woman and slept with her 6 months ago... this is not a past affair, it is a current affair, regardless of how little or much you sleep together, or whether the sex is planned or not, you are still maintaining contact and engaging in sexual activities with a woman other than your wife so it is a current affair. by default, if you really want to save your marriage and get over the affair, you must immediately and permanently cut all contact with the affair partner. that's just the way it is, the first principle of getting over an affair is to discontinue ALL contact with the affair partner. you have to make a decision here, which is more important, your marriage or playing around on the side? you can disguise that contact as being 'friends' or whatever, but you obviously don't have the self control to be friends with this woman and NOT have sex with her. and being friends with her is obviously not good for your marriage. so this is a no brainer, get the affair partner out of your life totally, and right now, and let your wife know you are re-committing to the marriage. she may have subliminally known all along that you haven't really given up the affair, which you haven't! otherwise, if you really want to keep seeing this other woman and keep cheating on and off, then suck it up and take it when your wife throws the affair in your face, because she has a good reason to... your choice man, you can't have it both ways without having neverending problems... Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 So you cheated again last April, which makes you a serial cheater, and who cares if it was planned or not planned. How does she know when you have learned to stop cheating? Have you? Last April was a real eye opener and yes I have learned not to cheat, short term gain at long term expense.... so No I won't do it again. Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 You can still see your family and be a good father if you're single. If you love your wife deeply, then you should not want to see her hurt and you only want what's best for her. A cheating husband is not best for her. She will move on. You should never have doubts about whether single life is better than married life. If you do- I honestly think you should not be married. You might not be cut out for it. Did you meet your wife at a young age? BellaDonna Yep very young, age 20 y/o Link to comment
Corvette Posted November 29, 2006 Author Share Posted November 29, 2006 * 18 months ago Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Yep very young, age 20 y/o Well I met my husband when we were teenagers and we are totally committed. But when we married we both felt truly ready for it. Maybe you married when you were not ready, or for the wrong reasons. Whatever the case may be, if you can't see the benefit of married life with your wife over single life...I think it's could be time for you to let her go. You both deserve happiness. To cheat and be friends with the woman you cheated with, while stringing your wife along is simply trying to have your cake and eat it to, while someone else gets hurt. The evidence of hurt comes out every time your wife throws it in your face. BellaDonna Link to comment
Beec Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Last April was a real eye opener and yes I have learned not to cheat, short term gain at long term expense.... so No I won't do it again. So how long do you think it will take your wife to realize you have learned that lesson? How can you show her you have learned that lesson? Link to comment
Recommended Posts