He just wants to be alone sometimes

[sleex]

sometimes if i suggest my boyfriend and i hang out, he says he feels like being "alone" sometimes. I try my best not to take it personally, but still, if he ever asks me to hang out, I dont think I would ever suggest wanting to be alone. Should this be a warning sign? He doesnt do it often, perhaps a couple times a month, but still usually when we hang out, its not like im blabbing and bugging him all the time. Its usually chilled out, so why does he want to be alone?

[melrich]

I think it is pretty normal. Introverts get their energy from within and they recharge their batteries with alone time. As long as he is not asking for alone time every second day I'd take it at face value.

[sleex]

it usually happens when he says he has had a hectic day at work. I find it strange because usually when Ive had a bad/busy day at work, my reward is seeing him...? hmmm

[Aurian]

Some people like being alone once in awhile, wheras other people are rejuvenated by going out and/or being with people. As long as its just a couple times a month, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Sometimes I would just need an afternoon or evening to myself and be "antisocial" and feel better for it!

 

it usually happens when he says he has had a hectic day at work. I find it strange because usually when Ive had a bad/busy day at work, my reward is seeing him...? hmmm

 

You're probably more extroverted than him. Like him, if I have a bad day, I just want to be alone and work out the grumpy/tired feeling. I feel better after that than spending time with people (I would probably bite if I did!).

[gfein347]

I think the issue may be that you guys handle stress differently. While your reward is seeing him, maybe his reward is being able to relax alone for awhile. Like melrich said, this is probably his way of "recharging his batteries."

 

My girlfriend exhibits similar behavior on occasion, and says she just wants to be alone, but I know that she loves me and this is nothing to be worried about. What's most important is how he treats you when you're together. If he's good to you, and he loves you, I don't think you have much to worry about.

 

As a side note, I happen to be more like you, where I want my girlfriend by my side when I'm stressed. But, we all handle stress in different ways. Best of luck.

[Scout]

Whether it's normal or not, it seems like you might have some basic compatibility issues. Any other areas you feel you two are very different in?

 

Personally, if my boyfriend was telling me twice a month he didn't want to hang out because he "wanted to be alone," I would wonder about our future. I would wonder if he wouldn't want to live together/get married one day, because of this regular need to be alone. It may be just two times a month, but that adds up.

[itsallgrand]

Hmm. Could it be that you want to spend more time with him than he wants to spend with you?

 

I'm not saying he doesn't like spending time with you! BUT, maybe he really does just need some space sometimes.

 

It does depend on the nature of the relationship, and how you deal with it, and compatibility for sure.

 

Still, there are plenty of examples of extroverts and introverts getting along great.

[heaven]

Has he always been this way with you? If so, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's just the way he is, so don't take it personally.

 

My guy's the same way-- sometimes he's feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or stressed out from work and he needs a little time to regroup and get himself together. He wants our time together to be good and he wants to be at his best. We just had this discussion recently and the way he explained it to me is that it's like he doesn't want me to see him during his *weak* moments.

 

It seems that guys have their *time of the month* (w/out the physical symptoms of course) just like we do, and depending on the individual, some need a little more space than others. As hard as it can be (I know...), just let him have his time and you won't be sorry. It's not like he's gonna forget that he loves you or anything, and more than likely he'll really appreciate your respect for his feelings. You don't want to come off as a nag and end up being resented.

 

Best of luck to you! :scatter:

[Jayar]

I take it as an insult when a guy needs to be away from me to relax. It's a compatibility issue IMO. I want to be the bright spot in my BF's otherwise stressful day, otherwise we aren't a good match long term.

 

As an aside, I don't make plans with the guy... He makes plans with me. It kinda avoids the whole "I want to be alone rather than with you" conversation. Let him call you when he wants, and see you when he wants. Then you know 100% that when he's talking to you or seeing you it's because he CHOSE to. If he doesn't talk to you or see you enough for your liking, on to the next chap. It's as simple as that.

[caro33]

I think it depends on what else is going on, and how well you guys relate the rest of the time. It depends on what he does when he has this alone time, how long it lasts, and what you guys generally do when you 'hang out'.

 

I know that sounds wishywashy but you could be being told a number of things here.

 

First off, I'm with melrich re introverts recharging on their own. I am very much like this; I sometime find having anyone near me is exhausting, I have expended all I have already and I need some alone time.

 

In the initial stage of my relationship I often came up with excuses not to see my guy because I just didn't feel 'on' and able to present my best side, and it felt all too important at that stage of the relationship that I be able to have an enjoyable 'date' and not just shut down and look grumpy.

 

As time passed and we got to know each other better, we spent more and more time together. I also became more comfortable with that, and craved less alone time. He also was able to sit quietly with me and play his XBox, read etc, so that I got to quietly recharge without having to engage all the time.

 

I agree that needing alone time in the sense of 'I don't want to see you today' doesn't bode well if you were looking for a stronger commitment anytime soon. After a while in a relationship, you should be able to have quiet time without it feeling draining. How long have you been together?

 

I come back to your original statement re how hanging out is calm and you don't bug him. Are you absolutely sure that your definition and his definition of chilled are the same? Maybe he just feels stressed having you there because he feels your expectations, or his perception of your expectations, weighing on him. Or because you have given him allocated 'alone time' and it's too regimented, like 'hey, you chilled out yet, can we do something?' Maybe he feels guilty that he's doing his thing and you are bored.

 

Could be anything, if you feel comfortable, why don't you ask him what being alone means to him, what he does? Completely non-accusatory, just interested to get to know him better...

[desertnomad]

I totally agree with Melrich.Wanting to be alone a couple times a month sounds perfectly normal to me. I really dont see what the problem is as long as he is spending time with you the rest of the month.

 

A healthy relationship includes a little time apart once or twice a month just to hang out on your own and recharge.

 

Its better than spending 24/7 together and having little things turn into big fights cuz your not getting to recharge.