Advice required: Ex boyfriend wants to meet

[cherries]

I have had a very hard month since splitting from my ex. I was head over heels in love with him, we are very similar, etc.

 

Our friendship group is very tight, so I either go out with my/our friends on the weekend, or I stay home alone. I saw him twice this weekend which has left me feeling wretched, but literally ALL my friends went out to a club where he was going to be. I sometimes have no choice if I want to stay active and sociable.

 

He has been saying and doing things which make it very clear that he has moved on, like "oh well, it's always nice to have a new girlfriend" (he hasn't got one - it still makes me feel very disposable). I don't think he is being intentionally nasty - he is just emotionless. A mutual friend agreed that it was bad for me so asked him to be more careful, and I also blocked his emails.

 

Then we exchanged a few texts as he wants to meet up. He wants me to take a list of all the things that have hurt or upset me, and he said it's very important I include everything.

 

So I have two questions:

 

1. Meeting him goes against all rules of no contact, but we see each other all the time and it's becoming really destructive for me. No contact in itself is not realistic if I want to see my friends. Should I accept the olive branch he seems to be offering? I told him I thought it was a constructive idea but I think I need a bit more time to think about it.

 

2. Are there any tips people have for actually physically meeting him? As in: how I should act, how I should approach it. I don't want to be miserable but I am aware I could go in there, be really positive, enjoy seeing him and start missing him all over again.

[Scout]

Wow, it sounds to me like he really wants to talk and possibly work things out, if he's asking you to come up with a list of things that hurt you! Why don't you take him up on his offer...and ask him to bring his own list, too! That's only fair, don't you think?

 

I think you should be honest, mature in how you communicate with him, and a good listener when you two meet up. This is no time to play games. You've got an opportunity here a lot of folks on this board would give anything to have.

[cherries]

No no, it's not an opportunity to get back together - it's not that kind of meeting. It's more a reaction to me being really cut up and depressed.

 

I think he is saying - tell me what I have done to hurt you since we split. There is no mention of him missing me, wanting to see me, etc. I think maybe he just realised that we can't continue on the rollercoaster of fun, depression, friendship, hate, depression...

[Scout]

Ok, my apologies for the misunderstanding. I just went back over some of your other threads, too, and you mentioned that after you broke up, he went out of his way to email you with reasons why he's such a good guy.

 

I have a feeling that the reason why he wants you to come up with a list is so he can prove you wrong on everything you put in it. You said when you were together he was often critical. Don't let him get away with the same treatment after you've broken up!

 

Yes, avoid the meeting. Tell him it's pointless, as you're moving on and don't care what he thinks, says, or does anymore, nor do you have the desire or energy to create a list at his request. (It's important to mean this, too.)

[cherries]

This is what he said.

 

"It would be good to meet once you have written a list of all the things you want to talk about. It's important you ask any questions you need to ask."

 

I think he is trying to be helpful, and is perhaps doing this on the advice of the mutual friend I mentioned. I'm not even sure what I would put in the list yet. But if I refuse the meeting, will it be seen as un-cooperative? I'm aware that it's affecting our friends as well as driving me to despair.

[Scout]

The guy dumped you out of the blue. You share the same social group. This all happened fairly recently.

 

How in the world are you not supposed to feel awkward?

 

I think his - and anyone else's - expectations of you acting like nothing ever happened are very unrealistic. It's going to take some time here. Perhaps you two can figure out how to handle this together, but I have my doubts the conversation will stay on that track. There are a lot of emotions still going on here for you. Generally, these types of situations result in one of the parties leaving the social group, I'm afraid to say. Not always, but usually.

[hjc]

It sounds like a very strange reason to meet up if you ask me. I totally thought it was a "let's see where we went wrong and see if we can make it better when we give it another go" meeting...which you're clear it isn't.

 

In which case I think you need to tread very carefully. There is a real risk that you'll get hurt by what is said, so I would think long and hard about whether or not you want to have this meeting. If you really think that getting some answers will give closure then maybe go...but I suspect (as others do here) that he might try to argue with you about why you are wrong to feel one thing or the other...and that won't do you any good at all.

 

The only person who can really decide whether you should go or not is you...personally I would only be prepared to have a "revisit the past" conversation if I thought we were trying to get back together..so my view is that you say "thanks but no thanks".

 

If he's prepared to answer questions then he'll be prepared to do that at a later date. It seems to me he's trying to appease his own conscience by giving you a chance to ask questions...which I don't think you have any duty to fulfil unless you want to.

 

In short, I'd stay away..but whatever you decide keep us posted and we'll be there for you...

[cherries]

Thank you for the wonderful advice.

 

I would definitely like to go to get closure. I have felt so low this week, I honestly felt I couldn't go any further downhill. I think he is offering a 'closure meeting' but I'm not sure it's going to be that easy.

 

I re-read my texts... he describes the meet-up as "things you are upset or worried about", "things you would like to talk about", "it's important to ask everything you need to ask", "don't be afraid to ask me anything".

 

Either he wants to help, or he wants to make himself feel better. Maybe a bit of both. HJC, I also kinda think he might go through my list justifying everything, even if he wasn't intending to. In which case, a meeting could become an argument and I need to be much stronger than I am today.

 

I think he also may want to hurry my healing along and close me off so he can move on without feeling so guilty.

 

Agh! It's really hard to know what to do. ](*,) Thanks again for the help guys.

[Scout]

It's hard to say what this meeting could result in, that's for sure. You say you think there's a possibility of closure for you if you go.

 

What is it that you need closure on? That's important to figure out before you talk, so that you actually get it. Do you need to know if there's a chance you two can reconcile? Do you need to ask him why he was being loving right up to the break up? Do you need to know what he really felt was missing from the relationship?

 

All things you should probably consider before you talk to him. Best of luck...I know it's causing you consternation even thinking about it. ((HUGS))

[cherries]

What is it that you need closure on? That's important to figure out before you talk, so that you actually get it.

 

Very good point, Scout. I will have a serious think about that and reply again. I was supposed to meet him today but wanted more time to think (it's 9.30pm now so it's not gonna happen today).

[cherries]

PS: I should add, the fact that he keeps stressing "it's really important you ask me everything you need to ask" makes me think I am right to assume he wants this to be the last meeting.

[smiles21]

The guy dumped you out of the blue. You share the same social group. This all happened fairly recently.

 

How in the world are you not supposed to feel awkward?

 

I think his - and anyone else's - expectations of you acting like nothing ever happened are very unrealistic. It's going to take some time here. Perhaps you two can figure out how to handle this together, but I have my doubts the conversation will stay on that track. There are a lot of emotions still going on here for you. Generally, these types of situations result in one of the parties leaving the social group, I'm afraid to say. Not always, but usually.

 

Exactly, and it was me who ended up leaving, more of my friends ditched me for her.. go figure, I introduced her to them. Makes me not want to share my friends (whats left of them) to a new girl. Feel like it all blew up in my face.

[cherries]

Smiles21 I really thought you were my ex posting then, until I re-read your post a few times. Phew, that gave me a shock.

[cherries]

It's me again - allalone - just letting everyone know I changed my user name on bestfish's recommendation

[bestfishinthepond]

you've got pizza!

bestfish

[bestfishinthepond]

I mean pizzazz...ugh!

[Scout]

lol...anyway, I think "cherries" is a much more cheerful (and kinda sassy!) name than "allalone." Glad you changed it!

[cherries]

thanks guys.

 

i am currently writing a letter to my ex - a very structured thing. it's nearly 2am so i think i will sleep on the last few parts. i hope this will help me figure out what my "list" is, if i have one, and why i actually want to talk to him. i may or may not give him it, it's just helping me structure my thoughts.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if you share a lot of mutual friends, and he is really already over you, then this may be his attempt to try to get your hurt resolved and 'out of your system'...

 

some people are more emotional than others, and he may be the kind of rational thinker who thinks you will ask him a bunch of questions, he will give you the answers, and then you will pop up cheerily and say, 'oh, that explains, i feel much better now and we can be friends and forget we ever dated..'

 

in other words, he's either trying to be nice and not getting that some people take longer to get over hurt feelings than others, or else is egotistical in that he thinks he can talk you out of heartache by answering 'all' your questions, and in the future he can just say if you get upset, 'what's your problem, we already talked about that', or 'why didn't you ask that before, you had your chance...'

 

so you can try to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is trying to be nice, but is there any question that you can ask him that will genuinely help you get better and move on? if not, then don't do it... you can just tell him, look, my feelings need time to recover, and answering a bunch of questions isn't going to 'rationalize' me into feeling better.

 

good luck! my experience is that usually these kinds of conversations are just rehashing the same old thing again, so best to just pursue NC.

[cherries]

bestrongbehappy, you have a brilliant insight into his mind. he's either not getting it or he's being egotistical... you are totally right. that's the conclusion i was coming to in a far less eloquent way!

 

i feel a little trapped now, as i have said yes to this meeting and he has sent me times he is free this week... so if i don't go ahead, i could still get the "you had your chance to talk and you blew it" thing. i could just postpone it indefinitely.

 

in my letter i am carefully explaining my feelings rather than listing a bunch of times and dates. i will perhaps post it or PM it to someone once i have finished it.

[cherries]

i posted on a community forum last night asking for help moving some furniture in my house.

 

this morning the ex PMed me through the forum and texted me offering to help. i didn't really know how to respond. i replied to the PM and said i would make other plans.

 

i also said this in a text as i thought it was polite to reply if he was offering.

 

he replied and asked again. i said again, thanks but no thanks.

 

he sent one last reply saying OK, hope it goes alright.

 

yet again i am confused by this hot and cold thing. i wonder if it is just because i didn't meet him yesterday...

[Scout]

Did he know it was you posting when he made his initial offer to help?

[cherries]

Yeah, he knew it was me. He knew I had blocked his emails which is why he did the PM thing.

 

I had to get to a cat basket cos my cat is quite ill, which involved moving some furniture. He really loves and misses the cats so I guess he wanted to be involved in helping out.

 

He has been texting today to ask how the cat is doing. I am unsure how much I should involve him since technically he ditched the cats when he ditched me!

[Scout]

Hmmm...it sounds like he's making some real overtures here. I don't want to give you false hope. But they are the overtures of someone who's at least more interested in just making sure you don't think "he's the bad guy."

 

You've got a couple of choices here. When you talk to him, you could go over "The List" as planned, and then leave it at that.

 

Or, you could talk about a few items on "The List" and possibly see if there is a friendship you two could work on. Again, I don't want to give false hope. But sometimes, re-starting a friendship, especially if it involves quality time and good communication, can lead to thoughts of a reconcilation.

[cherries]

Ah, yeah. OK, I see what you are saying.

 

I know for sure that he has moved on, he is saying kinda unkind things in private to friends like "oh well, it's always nice to have a new girlfriend" which is quite hurtful.

 

On the other hand he is wanting to help me out suddenly.

 

I expect he does miss me and I need to work out how deep that feeling goes.

 

I have been trying to be cagey with him since it's as close as I can get to NC. I think less frequent contact works with him and tends to solicit more and more unexpected emails.

 

Maybe I should open the door a crack and see if I can be his friend. It does go against all the rules, doesn't it?

 

I am kinda scared of getting hurt if/when he starts seeing someone else.

 

Thanks for your continued support Scout.