My boyfriend left me for a fantasy

[peaceofmind]

KellBell and Blender,

 

Thank you so much for your words. It definitely helps to have outside perspective because I feel I am taking this too personally. Some of those words in his emails hurt so much. First in the cold, callous way he broke up with me and then with the knowledge he shared about being attracted to others and not to me. I wonder if any part of our relationship was real. His actions in our relationship would never have lead me to believe this about him. He was very good at keeping this close to his vest. There was only one instance when he came forward and proclaimed that he really wanted this to work after a small fight we had, but I wonder, as Blender pointed out, if he is capable of having love and sex co-exist together. I think he had the love from me, but when the sex wasn't up to par then that need took over.

 

I don't want to devote alot of my time to this and I am seeking help from a therapist soon because I want to be more aware of patterns in me and signs I should be seeing about others.

 

But in the meantime because I can't get into to see a therapist until January I want to thank everyone for their support and guidance. This forum has helped more than you know.

 

-peace

[kellbell]

I received your PM. Thank you for writing back.

 

I feel seeing a therapist is wonderful idea. I went to a social worker this year for about 9 months and it was a good decision. It helped me more in ways than I have ever imagined.

 

Hang in there okay. Don't be a stranger here.

 

(((hugs)))

[ImThatGirl]

Hey, Sweetie!

 

After 7 months, this is what you get? I'm sure that question has crossed your mind several times!

 

Obviously some people have dealbreakers. If he didn't think you had this innate way about you, why did he waste your time?

 

I think all too often, men and women basically lie to themselves. They tell themselves that a certain quality or characteristic isn't necessary and that desire can be swept under the rug. They try to fool themselves into ignoring that desire. Ultimately, it can't be done. To each his own. And they need to express their priorities early on in a relationship.

 

I think since he shared his "secret" you have some options. Do you want to hold onto him? A guy that does not express himself? A guy that very possibly may have other fetishes that you may never be comfy with? If you love him and want him and want to take the risk, go get some boots.

 

As others have said, I don't think this man has the ability to be completely happy. He says he wants a girl with heels, etc. etc. Let's say you try to fill that desire. What if there are other desires that he is hiding from you? Or let's say he goes out and finds someone and gets comfy with approaching "his type." What is next? I'm guessing within the next 10 years, he'll decide he wants someone in their 20's. (I've seen plenty of men go through this.)

 

I'm going to think about his a bit and follow your thread. I'm sending lots of hugs, prayers, and strength your way. The worst thing is to be lied to for months on end. I can't stand a person that can't be true to people. What will be hard to let go of is how good he was to you. But then a dear Jane email.

 

Did he say what his intentions are as far as why he sent an explanation? Did he think it would make it easier for you or is he awaiting your reaction?

[supernetter]

Well, I always believe that you must not be what you are not. In a way, he has made the decision for you as he clearly is defined in his sexual orientations.

 

Count your blessings that you are out of it. Move on.

[ycmanvs]

many men have those kinds of fantasies and secret desires...the mature ones know how to communicate them to their partners and realize that no woman...not even a stripper... will dress like that 24/7...anyway...you are very lucky to be out of this relationship....

by the way...law school is really tough on relationships...i am studying for the bar exam right now and i find very little free time for fun...

[peaceofmind]

Yes, all the points you brought up have crossed my mind. I do believe that there is more to the story than what he shared with me. It's a gut feeling. I will never contact him. It was his decision to break up and I will respect that and not try and change it. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I have to look down the road at the big picture and if we still were together I would not have that trust level there anymore. I went from being so trusting of him to now, not at all. He kept this secret very hidden. I would always wonder when the day would be that he found someone more appealing than me and would leave. He was very loving, romantic and that is what I miss, but the reality is that he still has 1-1/2 years of law school left, no money (mainly because he spent it on his unhealthy habit), no job, a car that's about to break down and he lives in a tiny, crappy apartment. When he does graduate he will be in debt for years to come. I will end up supporting him and between this and his fantasy I will be dragged down so low. But why do I still care? My head knows what is going on, but my heart needs to catch up.He offered no explanation for sending me this email other than wanting to explain where his head was at. There was no mention of him going for help. He jumped immediately back to the online dating sites. When I confronted him about being on there his comment was: " you made me realize what was I thinking doing that". He took his profile down for 2 days and then up it went again.

 

It seems that he isn’t happy with himself and each relationship he has just makes it worse because it makes him feel more unable to cope with normalcy. It doesn’t even sound like he knows what he wants… first he wants a well rounded person and then says that this fetish is no big deal, then why does he write 3 pages about it. It’s like he’s trying to convince himself he is normal. That's why I think he hung in there so long. He was trying to make it work and be "normal".

 

The part that I didn't share yet from his email is below. Pretty much everything else I cut and pasted from his email into this post. The below is exactly what I got from him word to word.

 

When I was growing up:

- I was not sexually abused (that I remember)

- I was verbally and somewhat physically abused by my father

- We were sexually extremely repressed by our parents to an extreme degree. This meant a lot of disinformation on my part.

- I did try to kiss my sister as a way to practice kissing and I feel extreme guilt and shame about that

- I did have some homosexual thoughts but never really acted on them (came close): I no longer have those at all

- I do have certain sexual fantasies and those are what I want to talk about to say where they came from:

 

Along with the extreme sexual repression, 2 initial things happened around puberty that have shaped my sexual fantasy since then - I was a paper boy, and once a week this couple would get what was a very risque lingerie catalogue/soft porn type thing. I would look at it and the way the women were dressed was a major turn on for me. Also while learning French we had a French magazine called Elle that we used to learn. It had this one picture where the women were wearing stockings/garters/high heels. The women in the other catalogue were similarly dressed. The Elle magazine was what I would use when I first learned about masturbation etc. So that image of those women was forever ingrained in me at time when talking about sex in my house was very taboo. I was very shy as a teenager, but inside had all these feelings that were unable to come out due to my shyness/upbringing and so these images became powerful ones in my head. Then in 1986 (age 15) I really got into Prince. I loved his music, and his sexual style and tastes through the music and videos came at a time when all this was still forming and getting into my being. Again an outlet for my sexual awareness. He also liked women who dressed and acted a certain way, and so this was important to me.

 

I did not have sex until I was 18 in college, and the first time was one of those drunken things that was not really worth it. Meanwhile, I was into techno/dance music and really into dancing. That meant I went to clubs a lot where the women would dress a certain way, but even though I was coming out of my shell, I did not have the "it" to get those women I thought were hot. I did have a couple of girlfriends from 18 to 19 but I was unable to act on any fantasies and I was still sexually very amateur on the outside. I did finally meet a girl who started to bring out some things but we had been friends before and we never really got going (she was also a big Prince fan).

 

I still never got to date a woman that would fulfill some of those fantasies, and this continued with my ex-wife.

 

Let me explain - my fascination with a woman who looks good in heels/boots/lingerie etc. is not a fetish per se. I don’t require it to be turned on. Ultimately I would love to have someone who can or does dress that way, but in an elegant way. It would be part of her makeup that she likes to be able to dress that way at the appropriate time (not all the time). She would be sexually self-aware enough to want to do that because it makes her feel good, and not about someone else. Maybe dressing in sexy lingerie etc. is something she wants to do for her lover because she would like as much as he would.

 

I have had the opportunity to experience some of these fantasies with a few women a few times. But too often, the women I meet don’t have that innate sexual nature about them that they want to do those things, and then I have hard time asking for it in case they say no and I am stuck looking weird. So I don’t say anything when I sense its not in their nature, and then I get frustrated.

 

When I get frustrated is when I turn to other sources like certain kinds of pornography to fulfill those needs. It has become very unhealthy, and I want to explore my sexual fantasies in a healthy relationship setting where both partners want the same thing. I have actually wasted an unhealthy amount of money and time on these activities, and so just kept everything repressed while in relationships (including with you). I am not able to talk about deep feelings that I should be able to, and thus the relationship ends up being killed over time due to this. Thing is I am very romantic, love sex, love intimacy and I am very good "in the sack". But not being able to talk about these things with a lover has been killing me as I am letting myself down, and eventually the relationship suffers as well.

 

One day I keep thinking I will meet a woman who wants to do those things and carries herself in the manner that matches with me, and I will be able to talk to her about it as we both feel comfortable about it. Funny thing is I see women out and about all the time whose look is what I would go for that way, but I never seem to talk to them. I want that special personal connection, but with the bonus that I can feel comfortable and able to talk about what I like.

 

There has to be a healthy way for me to act on this so that I can have fulfilling relationships built on intimacy and open communication. It is clear that these desires have deep roots in my sexual history, and so I need to be able to talk about them, but in positive situation.

 

Let me be clear - I don’t expect to be with a woman who dresses in high heels/lingerie etc. all the time. That is not what I want. I want someone who is well rounded, classy, intelligent, passionate, deep etc. but who has that side to her that wants to turn on that style at the right time.

 

I hope this helps you figure out where I have been at, and what goes on inside my head. I want to be able to break free from all the negative sides to this and someday be in a wonderful relationship.

 

This is everything as he wrote it to me.

 

-peace

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Many of the things he mentioned in his last email to you I touched base in my post and has confirmed my suspicions. His parents making sex taboo and "dirty" in his house hold, tramatic experience in puberty (tried to kiss his sister), first time sexual experience, not so great (drunk when he has his first sexual encounter), abuse of some sort. All of it makes sense. He is very very emotionaly immature. Much therapy and introsespection is needed to help him.

 

I am very sad for your ex to be honest. So many things got fuzzy and messed up along the way, when he was growing and just carried on through the years. I highly doubt this man will ever be able to experience and healthy and happy relationship. He has a scewed view on how a relationship should be and how he relates to women. And NONE of this, I repeat NONE of this is YOUR fault.

 

This is going to take some time to get over and you talking to a therapist is wonderful idea.

[peaceofmind]

Thank you KellBell for listening and being there for me. I don't know why I am struggling so much with this. The words and support from everyone help so much.

 

The fact that he made me feel so unwanted right after he made me feel so wanted is what I'm hung up on. It hurts to know that he has probably already found someone else and I'm still alone. I know I'm much better off, but that reality hurts.

 

Thank you everyone!

 

-peace

[Beec]

Thank you KellBell for listening and being there for me. I don't know why I am struggling so much with this. The words and support from everyone help so much.

 

The fact that he made me feel so unwanted right after he made me feel so wanted is what I'm hung up on. It hurts to know that he has probably already found someone else and I'm still alone. I know I'm much better off, but that reality hurts.

 

Thank you everyone!

 

-peace

 

Do you really think someone with his tastes is going to find someone easily? He may find a person to engage in casual sex with him, but a real relationship is not goingt o be easy to find.

 

As I described before I know of one person with tastes that ran to ahving his sex life always be a certain way. As long as I knew him, he never found anyone. He did pay someone to abuse him, and he got strung up by his scrotum while he was videotaped, but that's not a real relationship.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you KellBell for listening and being there for me. I don't know why I am struggling so much with this. The words and support from everyone help so much.

 

The fact that he made me feel so unwanted right after he made me feel so wanted is what I'm hung up on. It hurts to know that he has probably already found someone else and I'm still alone. I know I'm much better off, but that reality hurts.

 

Thank you everyone!

 

-peace

 

The way he made you feel so unwanted after making you feel so wanted is like pulling the rug out from under you! You accept it but your heart and mind are going through a sort of shock, wouldn't you say? All this time you thought your relationship was going exceptionally well and then it's all gone? Not easy for the mind to grasp!

 

We are here for you!!!!

 

Sending lots of hugs~~~

[peaceofmind]

Part of me accepts responsibility for the dear jane email. I knew something was coming a few days before and we were planning to meet one night, but I accelerated things because I felt strongly that he was going to break up with me and I needed to know right away. It was too hard for me to go to work knowing what was coming. I called him the morning of the day we were suppose to meet and told him that if he was going to break up with me tonight he could just tell me now. He said " I don't know what you're talking about". He said he would call me later. He never did. I tried calling him that evening. He knew I was calling and chose not to accept my call or call me back. The next day I got the email while I was at work.

[blender]

Yes, of course it hurts, your ego and sense of self has been wounded, but in time this will "feeling" will go away, just keep concentrating on the "facts"...

 

the FACT is, he's chasing a "fantasy" an unrealistic, immature, not fully understanding and respecting of a human woman fantasy... and you are FREE of wasting any more energy on him..

 

it's going to hurt for awhile, but it's all in how we let our minds "beat ourselves up"..those are our "feelings".. and it's nomral to go through this phase...

 

but the FACT is, YOU are better off, and for some reason this guy came into your life because fate thought you needed a "bridge" to a discover more of yourself, a more confident, self respecting, you.

 

Heartache provides us the OPPORTUNITY to grow through pain and disappointment so we can AUTHENTICALLY DISCOVER who WE are and what we DO have to offer a mature, kind, respectful, emotionally and sexually healthy, loving, loyal, man...

 

for some reason FATE has you in this emotional place for your own self discovery... trust it, cry, and know that you are wonderful, and this relationship was a "brigde" from where you were, to where you are going...

 

and you mentioned a "classic" of this type of guy, that feeling of "he made me feel so unwanted after making me feel so wanted"..

 

this is a "classic" of thee kinds of guys.. it's a falling in love with thier own reflection of themselves in your eyes in the beginning, and that is why YOU felt so wanted..

 

and it's an addicting intoxicating kind of feeling for you and for him, but while yours is "healthy, accepting and realisitc" the whole while his is all about HIM...

 

The reason they love you so much, are affectionate, you've never been happier, is because they "feel" normal, mature, like yeah this woman makes ME feel normal, healthy, mature, I'm gonna let go of all my issues.. she doens't need to even know about them.... but then...

 

between the first 6 months up to a year and a half is the time that when it gets "real" that they start to feel uneasy, and deep down inside they have to "keep this respectful loving affection realistic realationship image up" yet oops, they start to get nervous about what they might reveal about themselves, and yikes, they won't like the "reflection of themselves" in your eyes then, so they have to "devalue" you in someway, and yes it usually comes in the form of a "confession" about themselves and then they run away....

 

leaving you "feel" devalued and disguarded, but those are your "feelings" those are in no way the FACTS..

 

the fact is he will go through this same cycle, this is his "life pattern". he's a grown man, this is his "life history" and will be his "life pattern" and you are now "free" of it, THANK GOD

 

and he will always have another "unknowing victim" , and you can now make a choice to know that YOU are perfectly wonderful, you are going to find a healthy long lasting love, but for a bit it will be hard to compare anything to this urealistic kind of intoxicating version of "love" these kind of guys offer, but it's never long lasting, because it's not sincerely about you, it's always about them, from the very beginning, it's ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF...

 

And for now he's in his "I need my fantasy" phase, and he might find some woman who isn't self respecting enough to "have a sense that she may need more than sex, but eventually she will and then soon again he will go back into his other phase of:

 

"yuk, I don't like this, this woman lacks self respect, she's willing do "anything" to make "me" happy..ewww, what's wrong with her? Now I'm not feeling not so good about myself, better get a fill up of that sincere loving guy I can become for a short period.."

 

then when it gets "too real" with the self respecting, classy woman..and she eventually wants to make more of a commitment, and it gets real, well then he's back to thinking:

 

"hey, I forgot about my "fantasy" I deserve that, this lady is too "smart, wise, mature, classy"..I'd really have to be responsible, mature, and kind to keep this going.. I can't do that..let's see..umm... it's because of "her".. yeah, that's it, it's not me, it's just that "she's" not right...so I better confess to her from the bottom of my heart my "real fantasy" and dump her, and go get what I"m really looking for".. and the cycle starts again...

 

thank god you are free of this.. and I know you miss what you "thought, hoped and shared with him" but it was never meant to be long lasting, HE is not capable of that.. not with you, not with anyone, not even with himself..

[WildChild]

Peace I know this is a very difficult time in struggling to make sense of all of this and how he went about it. I know it must be hard to not take this personally, but honey you can't. Is it fair the way he went about it? Absolutely not! But this is about him, not you. Does it effect you? Of course it does, you cared and/or loved this man and found out things further into the relationship than it should have gone. It doesn't take away the pain, or the hurt, or the betrayal you feel, but my concern for you right now is that you are taking this personally. This is something that is rooted for years, and not something that you or any other person can solve outside of himself. The one thing is that I believe he knows his reasoning behind all of this, but given when and how this started is beyond the repair that you/others can fix. He has to be the one, and hopefully someday he will either A) realize this is not normal given his childhood, or B) seek a professional to help. Even though I believe he knows based on his childhood that this may be behind his illogical reasonings in relationships, he obviously is not in a position to do anything about it. If I dare say, it's all he knows. In a sense, it's like an adult abuser who grew up in an abusive home in their childhood. It's all they know. Does it make it right? No! BUT, until the cycle is broken by their own determination, the pattern is going to continue throughout their life. As is your ex.

 

(((Hugs)))

[MOO1607307504]

The problem was never you, it was him. He won't ever be happy with a woman, because he see's them as a sexual object to "play" with. He has huge issues obviously, dating back to childhood. It would take years of therapy to get through them, even then his chances may not be that good. Pity the next girl he ends up with and be greatful you got out before he caused to much emotional damage.

[2tragic]

Fetishes and "requests" can do A LOT of damage to a relationship, if they are not innate in both partners. my boyfriend told me that his ex-girlfriends used to make up "dirty" stories and tell them to him while they gave him a hand job....he needed the fantasy to fulfill his arousal and climax in the way he liked.

 

So I was open to it and I tried it. I tried to tell him story about somethings that I thought he would be into.....but I totally missed the mark.. IT was NOT dirty enough. Instead of causing pleasure, it was very AWKWARD FOR BOTH OF US. Eventually he gave me a few story elements to work with and I told him a good one....but it wasn't very good with me. The elements were too violent.

 

SO I reproached what we were doing. And he explained that as long as no one was really getting hurt, why should it matter. That's the whole point of fantasy. Like cops on tv, or video games.

 

SO eventually, I became totally distressed every time we became intimate. With stage fright and disgust. Feelings of inadequacy. Like I couldn't turn him on without some fantasy of another woman. I started to lose respect for him. Our ideas of intimacy were seriously incompatible.

 

We are not together anymore. One of the major reasons is because of our sexlife.