Date older woman? advice appriciated

[longhaircats]

I'm a bit out of dating scene so your advice is appreciated.

 

I'm 37 years old female, divorced. I look a lot yonger than I am, like 24-27 since I am Asian and I take care of myself. I came out of a long-term relationship about 6months ago and ready to date someone. So my question is where should I go to meet single people in my age or early 30s? I am attracted to younger men or younger/healthy looking men who take care of themselves as well, but do they even like to go out with an older woman? (in the country where I am originally from, the answer is no)

 

I'm currently a doctoral student but most of my classmates are a lot younger than me or married if not. I've tried bars and clubs and I get hitted on quite often by 20-something guys. I've also tried an online dating, but I got responces from mainly men in early 40s to 50s, so the online thing does not seem to work for me (or shall I cheat on my age?). I started to wonder, where are those men in the age group of early to mid 30s? I know a lot of girls in 20s want to date that age group, so my guess is that they don't want to date older women. (or prefer yonger women) I don't know. It sucks that I don't look or feel old, but the biological clock thing is haunting me. A guy asked me how old I was in a bar the other night, and I said, "ah, am 30..." and I felt bad because it was a lie! My close friends tell me that I should not feel this way because I am still young, smart and beautiful, but I just feel like I am no longer in demand for men I would be atrracted to.

 

Sorry I am just rambling, but I'm a bit discouraged by the whole new dating things and any advice/suggestions would be very helpful!

 

Thanks,

 

Cats

[shes2smart]

When I was 37, I found myself just out of a relationship. I also felt that I was (finally) ready to get married and build a life with someone. Actually, that was a small part of the reason I was just out of a relationship...my ex didn't see himself getting married....and between that and his cheating, it was deal-breaker for me...but I digress

 

I met my husband online (not through a dating site) and nearly blew him off because of his age. At the time he was 26. But he was persistent, and it was a good thing, too. We got married about 6 weeks after my 38th birthday.

 

So, yes, there are younger men who either prefer older women OR they don't care about age and will focus more on who you are.

 

Can't really tell you where to go to meet them. I met my husband while I was going about my own life and pursuing my own interests. The website we met on was for a shared interest (BDSM lifestyle...not personal ads/dating...think message boards like here but for kinky people). I had a nearly-empty profile just so I could use the message boards. Seems I like message boards, go figure Anyway, he IM'ed me off that nearly empty profile and voila....here I am.

[Day_Walker]

The issue with dating younger guys is typically imaturity. If you are interested in men who are in their early 30s then that is what you have your sights set on. I believe that men will date any woman that they find attractive.

[charley]

Some men would date an older woman. Some might even prefer one. Some might not. It depends on the guy. I suggest you get to know him first, if possible, and don't mention your age until he asks, if he asks. i.e. - don't bring the subject up and turn it into an issue.

 

I have dated an older woman in the past and have very fond memories of her. I have a friend my age who is right now dating a woman 5 years older than him. I have a cousin who is married for 10 years now to a woman 10 years older than him. One of my coworkers is married for 20 years now to a woman 10 years older than him.

 

Clearly it can and does happen. The fact that you look young for your age makes it all the more likely. Some guys would not date an older woman. Some would not care about age. Some would find it exciting and maybe even prefer it.

 

It is entirely possible and feasible, if you believe it. i.e. - have the confidence and self assurance to know what you want and go get it.

[longhaircats]

Thanks for shes2smart for sharing your personal experience. It is encouranging! I'm actually thinking to join a local group to play sports on a weekend. I just moved to a new city, so making friends is my first priority.

 

Day walker, I understand your point, but people in my country look a lot yonger than the people in the same age in the US or Europe. For example my ex husband is 36 now, but he looks like 28. So it is just a physical preference. People whom I find attractive happen to be younger than me. Don't get me wrong, I like mature men. I have dated a guy who was a lot yonger than me for a while but he was not looking for a relashionship after all, and I got hurt.

[longhaircats]

Charley, thanks for your responce. I agree, it is depends on people. Maybe the problem is lack of my confidence. I used to be a confident woman, and am just sad that I don't feel the same way. Maybe this is one of the post breakup symptom. I don't want to mention my age, but guys usuall ask (at bars etc) before even get to know me.

[charley]

Charley, thanks for your responce. I agree, it is depends on people. Maybe the problem is lack of my confidence. I used to be a confident woman, and am just sad that I don't feel the same way. Maybe this is one of the post breakup symptom. I don't want to mention my age, but guys usuall ask (at bars etc) before even get to know me.

 

Well, if they ask your age, then tell the truth, but be casual about it because it's no big deal. If it's no big deal to you, then it probably won't be a big deal to them. If they don't ask your age, then don't mention it.

 

Since you look young and are fit, I think it's entirely possible for you to date younger men. It would also be possible to date guys your age or older since they'd likely find your young, fit look very sexy. However, you've indicated your preference. I understand.

 

Even if you didn't look young, you could likley date younger guys. However, your young look gives you a substantial advantage in that area because you would not visually look like an age-gap couple. i.e. - no social pressures when you are out together. Maybe from his family, or maybe not, but that issue comes later. When I dated an older woman (when I was 23) my dad said something like "Way to go! Now don't tell your mom."

 

If you spend some time with the guy and get to know him, he'll relax with you. Frankly, if I were a young guy, I'd think you were an awesome catch since you have looks and more emotional maturity. Actually, you're an awesome catch for a guy of any age.

 

If I may make an observation, the younger guys I've known who dated older women fell into two opposite categories of guys. The good boys who are kind and affectionate, typically not very experienced with women, and an older woman is perfect for them and you can teach them new things. Also, the bad boys will date older women because they're up for anything. The guys in between those two extremes are less likely to date an older women (I think), but then again, who knows for sure? Anything is possible.

 

The good boys and the bad boys are your most likely candidates, but guys in between might be a possiblity too. Anything is possible if you believe it's possible and go after it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if you are worried about your biological clock (i.e., want to have children), then i wouldn't spend too long witih a much younger guy if he is at a different life stage and not ready for children.

 

but if you are not concerned about having children, then have fun! you'd be surprised, i have had guys 15 years younger than me ask me out, which totally shocked me at the time. it does depend on their maturity level tho. some of them just want a fling with an 'older' woman for the novelty of it, and some were so immature emotionally compared to me that i felt like they were my kid or younger brother so the attraction didn't survive long at all.

 

so i wouldn't focus on age, but on finding someone who has things in common with you that you would really enjoy or could take seriously... but i definitely would NOT be tempted to lie about your age to someone younger because you look younger and can get away with it... not a fair way of approaching anybody, and could leave someone feeling betrayed when they discover your true age.

 

btw, 37 isn't a dinosaur in today's world... lots of people get divorced in their 30s and 40s and are looking for new partners. there are many happy couples with a 10 year age difference too...

 

i think there are not as many man in their early 30s single because of when people tend to marry... lots of people marry in their late 20s now, and don't divorce til the kids are past toddlers or they get the 7 year itch, which hits at 35 or so if they marry at 28... but women typically date men that are older too, so i don't think it's that they aren't interested in women their age or older, it's just the way ages fall during marriages/divorce.

 

so i would just date whoever appeals to you, be honest about your age, and let the chips fall where they may!

[BellaDonna]

I think it's all a matter of personal preference as well as whether the guy is attracted to you and what he is looking for in a partner. For example, if a man knew he wanted a big family of 10 one day, he might choose not date an older woman and prefer someone his own age, etc. It all depends.

 

I don't think your age will cause men to rule you out. But I think lying could ruin potential relationships however.

 

A guy asked me how old I was in a bar the other night, and I said, "ah, am 30..." and I felt bad because it was a lie!

 

I don't think you should do that. Be proud of who you are. Besides, it's much harder to explain a lie than it is to tell the truth from the get go. What happens if one of these guys you lied to ends up getting serious with you- won't it be much harder to tell them you lied to them initially? Be straightforward and honest- so what you're 37- they can either like it or leave it. Those who leave it are not people you want to deal with anyways, right?

 

37 is not "old" anyways!

 

BellaDonna

[charley]

Here's another thought. There are also some guys your age who just look young, same as you look young.

 

I'm 38 and I often am asked for ID when I try to buy a beer. In my state, they have to ask anyone who looks possibly under 30.

 

I know another guy age 38 who looks 24 or 25. I went to high school with him. They always ask for his ID.

 

Do you really want a younger guy, or just a younger looking guy? Does it really matter? Either way is fine. I'm just raising some issues to provoke thought.

[longhaircats]

Charley,your observation sounds sooo right. My ex boyfriend fits in the first category and others fit in the second one--the ones who came on to me were all bad ones (game players). My ex didn't know anything about good food or wine, and he hadn't even had sushi before when we first met. He used to tell me I was such a great catch....

 

BeStrongBeHappy, I am actually worrying about biological clock, I want to have kids before it's too late. I as actually asked out by a guy who was 20 years old recently but I don't want to date anyone who is not ready for a commited relationship. You are right, maybe 37 is not so bad, I just have to be confident who I am just like I used to be.

 

BellaDonna, I totally agree with you about liying. Every time I did lie I felt bad and am not proud of myself. And you are so right, I should not care those people who don't even try to get to know me because of my age!!

[longhaircats]

haha Carley, no it does not matter. As long as I am attracted to a person, nothing matters. I lived in the state for 6 years and I have asked my ID so many times. Here in England the legal age is 18 so I don't have to carry around my ID anymore!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I get the impression that a lot of men (and women) have a misconception that a woman older than 30 is really, really concerned about children, and in a rush to do so. I've seen men say exactly that on different threads. And I think that's odd because at 35, if I'd been real keen on having children I'd have had them by now. I'd actually prefer not to have any, although I'm not ruling it out as an absolute 'no'.

 

And from my experience the opposite is true, I am leary when I continue to meet young men who really want kids soon, actually older guys too. Whereas I know a lot of young women, who seem determined to have kids. Anyway a little bit off topic, I guess, just one aspect I've noticed.

[equinox]

I think that a good few men would date an older woman. I might only be 19, but the idea of dating an older woman (for me like 22 - 25) seems cool. Now I have a gf and I love her and she's younger. I just don't think that it's really done. Most women want older men and most men are happy to get what they can. So most don't end up with an older woman for that reason. But hey, that's not to say you have no chance, keep the faith.

[chai714]

Dating has little to do with age and more to do with attraction and emotions. We choose people initially based on attraction, then if they make us feel a certain way we keep them around. This is human nature. As you can see, age is hardly part of the equation.

[dawn515]

Hi longhaircats,

 

I'm 34, and like you, I used to worry a lot about dating someone younger. Because I'm back in school and all my friends are younger, most of the men I'd meet were in their 20s. I also look younger, and most people think I'm 26.

 

I almost didn't give my current boyfriend a chance when I found out he was 10.5 years younger, but I'd already consented to the date when I found this out. (I thought he was at least 27, but he was 23!) On our first few dates, he didn't ask my age, and when he finally did, I assured him I was older. (Ha ha!) He had fun trying to guess.

 

About a week before I was going to tell him (I thought it was time to do so), we were at the store to buy a bottle of wine, and he'd left his wallet in his car. I said I'd get it, and then the guy behind the counter carded me, and being the impolite guy he was, he announced the year out loud. I couldn't believe it!! Anyway, that's how I got found out. I'm so glad I'd never lied or that could have been a much worse experience!

 

My boyfriend was actually flattered that as an older woman, I took interest in him, and he assured me he had no problem with it. (We'd been dating about four weeks, but I was out of town for a week during that time.) I didn't expect much from this relationship and thought it might just be fun to spend time together, but then we got pretty serious. It's been more than eight months now, and we have plans to move in together in a few months. I'm very happy with him.

 

I'm mostly over the age difference now, but sometimes I think about it and worry a little. But, honestly, I don't think I need to worry as much as I do, and you don't either! Find a guy who's compatible and has the right maturity level for you, no matter what the official number is.

 

Good luck!

[hosswhispra]

Looking younger than you really are comes with it's positives and negatives.

 

I am 32 but I often get mistaken as being around 24. I like that and then sometimes it can be disconcerting a bit if someone 21-22 is interested in me.

 

Where are the men in their 30's? Good question!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes my last bf was 22 and he seemed quite enamored. He approached me (he was a persistent little devil) and he asked my age right away. I didn't mind telling him, I wasn't interested in him anyway. But I told him, and he almost fell off his seat (literally). I remember he kept saying I was so beautiful, and when he found out my age, he thought I was that much better. He pointed out younger girls and said stuff like, "Look at how much better your figure is than hers.." lol, yes, he had a definite good side!

 

Anyway it all depends on the person. And I think it's a matter of people who don't have preconceived notions, like the one I mentioned about assuming 30+ women want children. I mean, yes that might be the case (or it might not), but also might be the case with an 18 or 20 year old woman.

[longhaircats]

Chai, I used to feel that way, and deep down I still believe it. But maybe culture here in England is a bit different from where I used to live (US, Japan) and I was a bit surprised that people here often ask my age upfront--I am not used to this.

 

Dawn, you are a lucky woman to have a man like your boyfriend in your life. I met my ex boyfriend when I were 34 and he was 30. It's been only 3 years since but I just seem to be worrying too much these days because I am single again.

 

hosswhispra and teddy bear, you are doing so well taking care of yourself and looking young! I admire you that you won't be afraid of teling the truth. Seems that the point here is that not being afraid of expressing who we really are. All of your stories really made me think that I need to be proud of who I am first, and then some guys would see it.

[charley]

Bingo! Well said.