Effective Ways Of Getting Someone "out Of Your System"

[VIRGOLDY]

How do you do it? The memory is a cruel thing sometimes. Doing NC helps..

but it does not remove them entirely. Short of a labotomy, what are some REALLY effective ways of flushing an ex out of your system once and for all?

[Jayar]

I focus on the negatives... The way he never was as into me as I was him, the way I always seemed to have to kiss his butt to protect the relationship. The fact that I felt at the beginning he'd never leave me, then learned quickly he would do it in a heartbeat. The lying and leading me on... The person he became since the break up, treating me like dirt and being this stupid "playboy" all over the internet.

 

It doesn't make me stop loving him, but it makes it easier for me to think of a future with someone who loves me in return.

[DMXtreme]

It is very difficult and such a long process that only NC, keeping youself busy all day to the point where you are so tired at night that you just fall asleep, not dwelling on the past but concentrating on the future and lots and lots of drugs...just kidding on the last part. With me I have done all that in 2 months and have progressed significantly. Hang out with friends, smile alot eventhough deep down inside you might feel sad, no contact with the ex (very important and difficult) and make yourself into a bigger better person so in the future you have something to offer your new love. Oh and talk with all of these lovely people on this board, they are all such an inspiration!

[ImThatGirl]

I'd like to second that Jayar.

 

I think it is very important to be realistic.

 

Reflect on the good memories but only after moving forward on your own. Until then, the good memories have to be voided.

 

Not to be negative but the bad memories have to be reflected upon so one can move on (and learn) from a relationship.

 

The worst thing ever is to see a loved one crying about a broken relationship where they were constantly in pain anyway. They say "but we had all these good times, he promised me forever...." It's easy to sweep the negative under the rug and hold onto the positive.

 

But in relationships, that will disable some people from ever moving on.

[Dako]

Wish I knew how.

Would you want to forget the good times, too?

[HellFrost666]

IN the passed when I have ended a relationship, I have taken the Viking Funeral approach and burned everything associated with that relationship. And I mean this very littereally. Anything they gave me, any pictures, etc. This is a very clensing thing, both physically and mentally. Because in the act of having this ritual I find peace.

[this2willpa55]

Realizing that he cheated, lied and then left me (a very stable, loving, caring, attractive, career/family minded, intelligent, strong woman who treated him like a king) for a younger, party animal girl that will leave his old, tired, pathetic self when she's done using him, leaves a smile on my face.

[kekep]

I don't think you can ever flush your ex out your system completely. Every relationship you have helps mold you into the person you are today, at least in my opinion. If you loved someone deeply, they will always be a part of who you are and hold a place in your heart, albeit a small place. I agree that the mind plays tricks on you, and you play that romantic revisionist game, thinking your ex was the most wonderful person in the world, when that's obviously not the truth. It's hard to get out of that mindset, but it's possible by occupying yourself with hobbies, getting out with friends, even therapy if need be. Remembering you had a life before your ex, when you were happy and single, is also important. When I'm feeling most down about my own breakup, I try to remember a time in the past when either I was dumped or something wretched happened to me that I thought I would never recover from, and I think, hey if I got through that, I can get through this as well. And I'll come out on top and much stronger for it. Hope that helps.

[jules12234]

Well I agree with the time, time, time.

 

NC does help immensely.

 

Also think about what you want for your future (excluding the ex of course) and jot down a plan to get there i.e. more friends, nightclass, something you have always wanted to do. This takes the focus off them and back onto you.

 

Try to change your mindset also - you can do this focussing on the negative of them and the positives of you. Remind yourself of what they have lost in you.

 

Another thing take everyday at a time - you will have good days and bad days and eventually you will start to have more good days.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with prettyview, time really helps. And also maybe meeting someone else that you may have an interest in. It took me about 6-8 months to get over my ex although there are still times I get twinges about our memories, like when I go to a Ren Faire or something like that.

 

Memories are one of the things that we cherish the most and yet, in a breakup, is one of the things that hinders us from healing. Life is strange.

[Clementine orange]

"Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" Author John Irving

[blueangel]

Have your fun with a list:

 

Bad Qualities: _______

 

Okay Qualities: ________

 

Qualities I Needed (and what I'll look for next time): ______

 

Bad Memories: ______

 

Good Memories: _________

 

Why I Need To Say Goodbye: ________-

 

 

And then lastly, say goodbye. Then write a list of new priorities for while you are single and what to pursue

 

When your mind won't let go of something, it's because it still wants to look there.

[surviveitall]

Realizing that he cheated, lied and then left me (a very stable, loving, caring, attractive, career/family minded, intelligent, strong woman who treated him like a king) for a younger, party animal girl that will leave his old, tired, pathetic self when she's done using him, leaves a smile on my face.

Ha! This is refreshing to read. I think I have you beat, though: mine left me (professional, handsome, smart, educated guy) to slum the hip hop bars, be a "Ho" and pretend she was black.

[Ellie2006]

I wish I could've resorted to aversion therapy but never could ...

Not that he was perfect, of course but there wasn't anything about him that I really disliked or found annoying

 

I think what ultimately helped me was repeating to myself the final category of BlueAngel's list: "Why I Needed to Say Goodbye"

 

Time and NC helped too, of course ...

[Vynde]

Why is it so hard to keep focused on the negitive things ( I know they were present ) I cant understand why we "sweep them under the rug" I think that has been my downfall and keeps me from healing. I keep searching for ways to stop loving my wife, I cant seem to let go.

 

I wondering if this is normal, that after 45 days, Im still wishing she came back.. I feel that its not normal.

 

I will keep trying to think of the neg things.. I hope I break through

[stunned]

I know that there are phases in grieving, which includes anger. However, I don't want to become overly obsessed with being angry with my ex. Anger is such a negative emotion and can have consequences, not just on your psyche but on your body. I don't need that now. The emotional rollercoaster I'm on now is bad enough without making those peaks and dips steaper than they already are. In fact, during this early stage in my situation, I want to try to not to think of my ex at all, which is very, very hard. I think I won't be focusing on her personality traits, good or bad for a long, long time. Thursday marks the 1st week of my NC. I don't plan on contacting her, ever. I know that can be a tough promise to keep to one's self, but I'm going to try.

 

Right now, I'm going to try to focus on me and making myself get out and stay active. I think that's the healthiest course of action.

[ImThatGirl]

I'd like to add something.

 

Acceptance - In order to get over someone, we must accept that being with them is no longer an option.

 

In some relationships, everything can seem wonderful. Then one day, someone changes their mind and it's over. The only negative is that the person decided they weren't happy and walked away. At that point, we can sit and wonder why they would have left such a wonderful relationship which allows for extreme hope that they will come back and disables us from moving on with our life.

 

I have a friend that was married for years. His wife started seeing someone else and ultimately divorced him. He still to this day misses "his wife." Yet he acknowledges and accepts that the memory of his wife doesn't reflect who she is today.

[Dako]

I have a friend that was married for years. His wife started seeing someone else and ultimately divorced him. He still to this day misses "his wife." Yet he acknowledges and accepts that the memory of his wife doesn't reflect who she is today.

 

That's a good point that I'm struggling with.

I miss the old life I built, and I miss a sense of belonging, yet I would never return to my ex-wife.

[L.J.]

I'm so tempted to buy a personalized coffee mug with her name and put a crack on it. Thereafter, I'll drink my coffee with it routinely and see how far I can endure that leak.

[ImThatGirl]

I think somehow we are programmed to remember the good things. The past feelings of "how right we were together." In the beginning, it's almost easier on the heart and the mind than accepting, grieving, and moving on. Accepting and grieving is a shock to our body, mind and heart.

 

Relationships become so routine. We learn what to expect and we love what we learn to expect (when things are good.) I sincerely believe our body just begins to expect those things. Which makes it very difficult when the rug is adjusted and pulled out from under us.

[Vynde]

I had to add something that was posted on one of my thread that relates to this in a way..

 

Its a story that Camber left ..

 

In China (I think) they used to catch ducks by digging a hole and placing a small orange in it. They then covered the hole with a grate that had openings in it just large enough for the duck's head to stick through. The ducks would stick their heads through to get the orange, and when the hunters walked up they were able to simply grab the ducks by the neck. Why? Because the ducks wouldn't let go of the orange, and the orange wouldn't fit through the grate. Now some ducks got away by letting go of the orange. Not sure if it's true, but a good "letting go" fable!

 

It makes sense, in that, we all need to let go of the orange, even know it looks good.

 

Thanks Camber.. great story, great insight.