ex gf showing interest

[InLoveAndWaiting]

What signs should I look for that my ex is showing interest again in a relationship and not as just a friend?

[Layword]

I wish you'd tell us.

[blender]

the ONLY sign is the clear statement of intentions: "I'm sorry we broke up, I miss you, I want to try again". or something very clearly stated like that...

 

any other curiosity behaviors such as calling once in awhile to "check in" or "keep you on the line" is only about thier selfish need to know you are still just "there".

 

Be careful of making the choice to define yourself as a buddy, unless that is exactly what you want to be, if being "friends' right now is not enough for you and you know that, then it would be best to be clear on this for YOURSELF, and NOT choose to be falsely friendly with secret hopes of a reconciliation this will lead to resentment on YOUR part if the fact is the ex is NOT interested in anything more, and can also confuse the ex with thoughts that you have not moved on, and they don't have to "miss you" and you are happy to be "just friends".

 

So define what is "right" for you first, then decide based on the ex's actions what they are "trying to say"... and you being "clear on where you stand" allows others in your life to respond to you clearly as well... positive or negative at least you are both living in the truth then.. right?

[shikashika]

As Layword says, I wish I knew!!!!!!!!

 

I can speculate and analyse as much as I want but I will never know...

 

For eg... I ran into my ex and was trying to have a casual, how-are-you kind of conversation... I'd mentioned to him that I got a new cell phone and he said

 

"well at least you have people to call you on your cell phone...(woe is me... boo hoo!)"

 

I asked him how he was doing at his tae-kwan do

 

and he said "I still suck"

 

now I can analyse this to mean "does he want me to feel sorry for him or does he want me to call him?'

 

I just laughed at his comments..

 

either way, that isn't enough for me to do anythign about it.. he was the one who tossed me aside like a piece of trash...

 

but I admit, I still analyse his stupid comments like that... it sucks... but I think if he really wants me back then he could say something else

 

but being the analyser that I am, I think" but maybe he is too ashamed of what he did, so he is trying to hint to me??"

 

but against my better judgement, I will do nothing....

[ignited83]

well for me ive been seeing my ex quite a bit in the past week, i just got home from seeing her and we were in my car in the coffee shop parking lot, and we hugged, flirted, i said some corny lines like let me listen to your heart beat, and she did to me aswell, we rubbed faces together, and she kissed me a few times, i tried my hardest not to kiss her at all, and we continued to hug a lot.... now tell me ladies whats up with this? im so lost by her actions because a couple days earlier she told me that shes doesnt want me to get the wrong idea. shes not looking to get back together. she says shes confused, she still loves me but is confused and that something is missing and until she finds out what it is, she doesnt want a relationship.... but let me tell you, tonight she just seemed so interested, but i dont want to think much of it or it will eat me alive....

[InLoveAndWaiting]

I understand where you all are coming from and appreciate the advice. My ex is sending some signals but nothing definite about getting back together. She is showing signs of interest in me again and maybe just wants to take things slow, you can't jump right back into things I would think. Maybe we can use this time to get to know one another again before things get more serious. I don't want to ask her, at least not yet, for fear of pushing her away. I know it will come to a point where that is what I will need to do.

 

It's only been 2 weeks since we started talking again, I need to give things some more time. Maybe she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now with me, but she isn't showing interest in anyone else. She asked me if I had gone on any dates and I asked her the same. Our answers were the same, no and we didn't want to. There are alot of things that contributed to our breakup which is another story in itself, you can read the original attatched link if you'd like. She is still not in the best shape financially and I could improve also. I believe we are getting our lives back on track individually so if we do get back together, the same problems do not occur.

 

I honestly believe that our situation we were in financially and neither one of us being happy after our move was a huge contributor to our split. I don't want to rush things because I really love this woman, and she has the most wonderful children I love to death. I'm going to see how things play out for now and hope for the best. Any other advice is appreciated.

 

 

[Mun]

Why don't you just ask her out on a date?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

I asked her last Friday if she would like to go to our favorite Japanese restaurant, she said she would love to but she needed to be saving her money right now, and yes the place is expensive. I suggested something cheaper and she said she really didn't need to be spending money eating out right now. I told her I understand and maybe some other time. I know her financial situation right now and she is right, and I respect that. Any other suggestions?

[Mun]

I'm guessing you go dutch? As in : you each pay your way....??

 

Why don't you invite her over for a home cooked meal?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

We did not go dutch when we were together and she preferred I don't pay last Friday since we aren't together. We used to take turns paying sometimes until we got joint accounts when we moved in together. She went thru a really bad time financially right before we moved and I was mostly supporting us, there could not have been worst timing. I think it drained on her that our financial situation was getting worse and she had a difficult time contributing. I need to give her time to gain some of her independence and get herself more financially stable, so the same problems don't occur. I'm willing to be patient, I don't want to rush things with her.

[WillieMcWillerson]

There are so many things that can contribute to people not staying in a relationship. Given this fact it becomes very important to look at the situation in terms of actions as opposed to words.

 

One example would be someone saying that they dont want to send mixed messages but then giving sexual imput in a parking lot. If the person had said nothing about not wanting to send mixed messages and had acted in that way it means something totally different. Given what was said and the action assosciated with the statement it becomes obvious that the person is not sure what they want and is intentionally sending a mixed message. Are they just playing with your head? Maybe..... I think that it makes more sense to look at it psycologically. Her conscious mind and subconscious mind want different things. This explains the confusion and lets you see that she has a desire to be with you but also has reservations. Until those reservations are gone you have one of two choices...... go straight at the issue or act like you are confused too... are you really confused? In this situation you can let her be confused, respect that and act from a place of acceptance, allowing things to go where they will in the moment. Only do this if you can keep yourself from getting confused should you choose this path, if you cant back off and keep her in line with what she says and dont allow her to act any way but how she says she will.

 

That was a little vague!!!!!

 

the point is to look at her actions against what she says to figure out what her subconscious desire really is. Then act accordingly based on what you would like to get out of your continued communication.

[Captain34]

$$$ post, I think a lot of enotaloners fail to look at things this way.

 

My ex and I haven't spoken since early October, but as they say, actions speak louder than words.

[Mun]

What is wrong with a home-cooked meal? If it is your finances she is worried about I don't see why she would turn that down...unless she just doesn't want to give you hope. I would think she is not giving you very good signs of interest then.

 

I hope you are looking to date other people and not wait around for only her.

[blender]

If someone wants to be with you, they are. If they are sending "mixed signals" then that is what they are, "mixed", so which side of the mixed signals are YOU choosing to apply more meaning? The positive ones? So are those "more" valid then the "negative" ones? This is where we have to be careful with exes, and make a choice to be "clear" to ourselves and not "play games" with our own minds, standards, values.

 

If you wanted to be with someone would the same "issues" stop you from being with them?

 

Again, if someone wants to be with you they are, finances or not, illness or not.

 

I hope you find the strength to live your own life, and are careful not to make too much of an emotional investment in the "hope that she will eventually come around".... because if she is going to do that, she will do it a whole lot sooner if she does her own "self work" and also observes that YOU are moving on in YOUR life respectfully with or without her...

 

I feel for you, and understand how much you love her... and I hope that if she is indeed "emotionally healthy enough, and stable enough" to be with someone who is "emotionally healthy, and independent, respectful" as you are...well then it will work out for you. But until she can stand on her own, and feel empowered in her own self, and then makes a clear intentional choice to share her life with you, then and only then can you build on a strong foundation for a future together...

 

It's okay to be kind to her, but please do not lose sight of your sense of self...whether she makes a clear intentional effort to be in your life or not....you will be both be okay...

 

just try to see things "clearly", because mixed signals are sometimes enabled by us, when we put "hope" before "acceptance".

 

Then the ex is actually nutured by us into being okay "on the fence"... don't be too willing to keep balancing her on that "emotional fence" as far as you are concerned in her life.. she just might find it okay to "stay on the fence" instead of letting her fall off, brush herself off, gaining her own sense of self, and then making an intentional effort to make you work as a couple...

 

Sometimes it's tough to have the courage to "let go".. but it is this courage that leads to authentic, emotionally healthy love in our lives....

 

Hang in there, set a standard and value for your heart, and be in acceptance when someone is not "ready" to "intentionally, respectfully and clearly be involved with you...let go, take care of you, and then you can take care of others..

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Let me get this straight, I understand what all of you are saying. Is the best way to get her back to just move on with my life as if she is not in it? I have not gotten a phone call from her in 3 days now, I'm not freaking out, just wondering why. We did text each other yesterday though. Should I just not call her at all anymore and wait and see if she calls? I called once and left a message earlier tonight but haven't heard back yet, just confusing. Just wondering what the best course of action is to get her back? I know that it's still up to her, but what are my best chances? What have all of you found to work the best in attracting someone back?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

I understand what all of you are saying and it's starting to sink in. I'm having a hard time letting go. I haven't heard from her now in 4 days and I believe she has backed off intentionally now because she felt she was leading me on. I was told by a good friend that she may still love me and want to be with me, but if it is not the right time for her, she won't show those signs of interest until she is ready. She went thru a similar situation with her boyfriend where they split for 2 years and then he came back, he told her that he loved her all along, but he wasn't ready and he needed some space.

 

I know people will take the whole "I Need Space" thing as an excuse, but sometimes it is actually true. People need space for different reasons, alot we will never understand. I'm not going to contact my ex anymore, I made a promise to myself last night. I tried calling her yesterday afternoon and left her a message, I thought she wanted me to call, but maybe not. I know she is not too busy to call me back, she will when she wants to. I guess I need to let all the contact be on her terms, so I don't push her away again. Maybe she felt that by talking everyday was like being in a relationship again, and she didn't want to lead me on, I don't know. I know I'm not getting the response I want by calling, so I'm not calling anymore, this is going to be hard as hell, but I can do it.

 

Am I doing the right thing, should I let her initiate all the contact?

[papalazarou]

Am I doing the right thing, should I let her initiate all the contact?

 

Yes. And in the meantime do all those things you would have done or that you missed out on while you were with her.

[blender]

Just take sometime to breathe, trust fate, and know that she can make a choice and she knows where to find you... if you can let go just for a day at a time... you will get through this.. trust that fate is nudging you to take time for yourself. Sometimes just slowly making a deal with YOURSELF to let go one day at a time, gives the ex enough space to find "clarity" to "wonder" what you are up to..to start to think about you.. give her this opportunity to miss you.. (I know you worry that she might not) but that is okay too.. I know you are hurting, but for now, maybe it would be best to just "stop" take care of you, just one day at a time...

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Thanks Blender, that is what I need to do, take one day at a time and take care of myself. I know she knows where to find me and I know she will miss me, I just hope in time that she will find clarity and be able to make a decision when the time is right for her. Thank You.

[blender]

You're doing the right thing... just be patient...especially with yourself.. you are going to be sad for a bit, that's a part of life.. heartache is inevitable in life, but suffering is a choice... so try to "let go" and remember you are worthy of an intentional effort of love from thee right girl for you.. trust this.. and if she does "discover" her feelings for you.. you're silence right now will be louder than any words, emails, calls, text can ever be.. trust this, no matter what the outcome.. you will rise above this.. grow, learn, gain your perspective, set standards and values for your own heart..and the best is ahead of you... one day at a time.. breathe... each day you will feel more empowered out of the self respect of letting go..

[InLoveAndWaiting]

My ex called last night to wish me Happy Thanksgiving, I did not answer and haven't called back. She said she has been so busy and hasn't got a chance to call, should I call her back or wait to see if she calls again?

[blender]

Please try not to respond to her "happy thanksgiving" message, because there is nothing to respond to.. so leave it be.. give her a chance to "wonder" or "think" about you.. the ONLY way this will take place is if you just "let go" for a bit.. so nope, do not respond to her "just being polite thanksgiving call"...

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Blender, so your saying I should not call her at all, what if she calls me again? Won't she think I'm being rude or possibly get upset that I'm not calling her back? I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her.

[InLoveAndWaiting]

I think I'm going to tell her tomorrow, I just can't do this anymore, it's been tearing me up for too long. I think I'm going to tell her that it's just too hard for me to see her and talk to her right now, because I still have feelings for her. I lost someone I love very much and those feelings came back when I saw them again. I'm still not over her and don't know how long that will take. I want her to come back but since she broke things off with me it is completely up to her. I honestly feel like she will never come back. I just need to tell her that I would like us to get back together, but I know that is a decision she has to make, and she needs to figure out what she wants. I need to completely let go and I can't do that if I'm still in contact. It's just too hard for me.

[blender]

First thing to do is think this all through, if you can just wait a bit before 'declaring" that you want to go "no contact", just TRY for a few days to "NOT" contact her...

 

Trust me, she will not think you are "ignoring" her, she has NOT called you again yet.. she just left a friendly thanksgiving message..right? Try not to OVER THINK this..

 

Can you leave it be for today, please try not to call her... leaving this "space"...well... will make you MORE ATTRACTIVE.. I'm sorry, but woman like a bit of "mystery" in a man, a sense of "His confidence" and..

 

she might actually feel a sense of "losing control" over you.. and that would be GOOD thing...

 

just "trying" to NOT contact her for a few days is way EASIER on YOUR heart then the "aftermath" of you actually DECLARING NO CONTACT to her.. after that, it's REALLY tough to go no contact.. trust me, I know right now you want an "emotional fix" by contacting her, or just anticipating her contacting you, but for right now, it's best to just "be".. "let go a bit"... give her some space... and when and IF she contacts you again, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.. right now, it's best to maintain no intiating contact on your part.. okay??

 

so make a "deal with yourself just for today".. that you will NOT contact her... she called on Thanksgiving was polite, BUT she didn't ASK you to return the call, she hasn't called since,

 

so now is an important time to NOT RE-ACT to your desperate feelings, but instead to re-act to the "facts" instead... and remember you are "not officially a couple" right now.. that is the FACT.. so

 

BREATHE.... it will also give YOU a few days to gain some perspective, please do not intiate any contact right now...

 

this moment right now is an "opportunity" for you to feel empowered, less out of control emotionally, and give her the space so she might have a chance to actually "wonder and think" about you...

 

give some space right now.. wait.. take a deep breath.. and for today, NO CONTACT... make this deal with yourself.. just one day at a time..

 

don't you think that is better, then calling her to say, you won't be calling her?????

 

then what? How will you feel after that?... won't it just be a bit better right now to just keep it cool, let go a bit, and wait it out.. no contact for today.. you can always have the "no contact" conversation AFTER she initiates contact if that is what you want... but for now.. it might be easier on your heart if you just give "let go" one more day.. in other words.. (I've used too many already) but I'm so passionate on behalf of your heart right now, so in closing, I'm simply saying.. "try a a deal with yourself for a trial secret no contact for a few days....try living this "first" before declaring it to her.. for today the only one who needs to know you "can't just be buddies and move on to" is YOU....

 

then wait till you feel a bit stronger, before declaring this to her... try it on for a few days first.. and see if she makes any contact.. but to contact her now to say, "i don't want contact" makes no sense.. I don't think it will make YOU feel better, maybe for a moment you might feel a "false sense of control"... just know that "control" is yours RIGHT NOW.. by choosing to just "let go, no contact" for today.. just for yourself.. one day at a time..