ex gf showing interest

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Thank you for writing back blender, I put alot of thought into what you say. I have a bit of a problem and believe I may have messed up. My ex called last night and I picked up, just to say hey. We talked for a few minutes about how our Thanksgiving was. I made a mistake I believe by telling her that I hadn't called her back because I wasn't sure she wanted me to. I told her that since I hadn't heard back from her after my last message that I didn't want to call again, and wasn't sure if she wanted to hear from me. When she started calling me again it was like everyday, and I was calling her back everyday also, then the calls lessened. I didn't want to keep calling after they lessened because I didn't want to push her away. This is something I still fear from after we first split up, when I believe I pushed her away by calling and not completely giving her the space she needs.

 

My problem is that I believe I'm constantly portraying signs of weakness and desperation that turn her off, but I don't mean to. I am a great person and I wish she didn't have to see me this way, I'm an emotional wreck. I know I can't change what I said or take it back but how can I go on from here without making anymore mistakes? I don't want to screw this up anymore. Do I just start the NO CONTACT right now? I want to let her know how I still feel about her because that is why I'm acting the way I am. It's too difficult for me to just be friends with her right now.

[Mun]

If you are an emotional wreck and you know this is messing up any chance of even 'friendship" with her then why continue to do it??? Time for some damage control.

 

What you should do is keep any and all contact as short as possible, on your end, you are the one that needs to cut it short because the longer you talk the more likely you are to take say something you will regret later. Like the other poster said, all things have pretty much been said already. It's now time for your actions to speak for you.

 

It's difficult to feal passion for someone we feel pity for. You can't change what you have already said, but the more distant you are now the more she is likely to get that respect back for you--because you look as though you have it together-- and in the process maybe wonder what it is you are up to.

 

If you are always around, then she can't ever miss you--if we know someone we like is willing to wait around for us, then we can just take our time deciding what it is we want from this person.It's when they are no longer around that we are pushed into confronting our feelings for them and making a real decision.

 

You must start living for you and putting this gal on the back burner, sure you can love and miss her and all that but you have to pull yourself together. You are sabotaging yourself and you know it,,, now stop yourself, get some focus and put a bit of distance here. It's for your own good.

[blender]

Dear, "In love and waiting", I am responding to your PM asking me to reply to your latest post... it's late here, and I'm typing fast, so forgive any wordiness.. I'm going to be "tough" here and honest... similar to my first post responding to this thread.. so hope at this point in your life it is somewhat helpful...

 

I'm so sorry you are letting your emotions spin into a tizzy about what SHE, "MIGHT" think or feel.. doing this type of "over-thinking" about what the EX or how the ex might re-act... well, this type of "anticipatory re-acting planning" doesn't make any logical sense, (yes, I know your heart is letting this happen, we've all done it) but you do have a mind to put to good use, using the FACTS to make some choices regarding this ex, instead of just "re-acting" to your FEELINGS,

 

Ignoring the FACT that the exes behavior and actions speak louder than thier words.. well this type of "selective interpretation" just leads to more feelings of confusion, uncertainty, heartache..

 

because you are not setting any standards or boundaries for you own heart, you are simply trying to "win" her back by figuring out "which way to play it".. that is not "love" it's "ego, and a desperate need for the "unattainable" and yes IT'S NORMAL TO BE FEELING THIS WAY.. and I know it sounds corny but "if you love someone let them go if they come back it's meant to be if not..you grow, and learn to love again..even better..

 

You have to sit and ask yourself some questions. so you can "focus" on the facts and not just the feelings:

 

Start with the facts about the ex:

 

Is she someone who respects you, loves you, not only tells you so, but shows you through her actions, words, behavior, choices?

 

Is she someone who is choosing to make a clear intentional effort to be THEE woman in your life?

 

If your answer to the above two questions is a "maybe" or a "no"..

 

It's time to ask yourself: why you are willing to settle for "crumbs" when you deserve the "whole cake"?

 

I'll try suggesting this again: (we know the old way/pattern is NOT working for you) so... for today, just for today, do NOT contact her... don't worry about tomorrow, don't anticipate what SHE might think or feel..just maintain "no contact" one day at a time right now, do you think you can try this??

 

There is no "need" to talk to her right now.. (forgetting your "want" for now, just think facts, not feelings)

 

There is NO need to explain to her "why" you have been acting in a way that shows "emotion, uncertainty, vulnerablity".. it's "normal" and "authentic" for you to show these types of feelings through your mixed signals of behavior.. trying to be "friends" trying to just "be there for her"..

 

It's time for you to "be there for YOURSELF"

 

So right now, stop beating yourself up with highschool phrases of "I made a mistake", or "I'm showing signs of weakness"..ugh.. showing someone you love that you are in pain, or feeling vulnerable about them is NOT a SIGN OF WEAKNESS..it's a strength.. and if the ex chooses to see it as a "sign of weakness" then this is NOT LOVE, it's an ego driven power struggle of indifference.. and you are worthy of so much more than that..and you can start wanting nothing less for yourself..

 

because when love is "real and intentional" then these displays of behavior on your part would be met with her expressing some clear intentional effort by saying something like: "let's sit down and talk about us and let's try again, I know you too well, and I love you too much to see you confused and hurting this way.." But so far she has not had the time or space to "discover" her clear and authentic feelings..

 

When you finally take the time to just be "you" on your own..without contact.. you will heal and discover your clear and authentic feelings, and she can do the same..

 

Does this make sense to you?

 

What I mean is, you are constantly asking yourself what SHE might want, what SHE might be feeling..

 

What are YOU feeling? YOU are feeling emotionally drained by her mixed signals and YOU are making a choice to 'stick around, have contact, and just "be there" without asking yourself, what is "right for YOU, in all this".

 

You have a "choice" in how you continue this "pattern/bad habit" of talking yourself into the FALSE idea that SHE holds the key to your happiness, or your validity.. she does NOT hold this key.. YOU do..

 

CHOICE.. PERSONAL CHOICE HOLDS ALL THE POWER TO OUR HEALING AFTER A BREAK UP

 

the FACT here is YOU do have an option on how you choose to handle this, so far you have had a difficult time making an intentional, self respecting choice, you have only been a victim of circumstance, by CHOOSING TO be "re-acting" based on HER actions, words, choices, hints, mixed signals".. instead of "setting a self loving, self respecting standard for your own precious heart.

 

If you love her or who you "hope she could be".. that is fine, it's real, it's difficult, but THE FACT is, she is not "emotionally ready' to committ to you.. and YOU are not "okay" with just being her buddy right now, it's too painful, it's not authentic, it's defining yourself in her life in a whole different way then what and who you really want to be in HER life or ANY WOMAN'S life whom you choose to love.. right?

 

So why do this..why stay in hopeful, confusing, mixed signal, reactionary contact? What "good" comes from this choice? (except perhaps distracting your "acceptance" that things are not what you want with her right now)

 

Is staying in contact working? Is it making her see you in an honest light? Yes? No? Is it making you feel good about yourself? Yes? No? Is it building a strong foundation of truth, honesty, and mutual respect? Yes? No?

 

ASK YOURSELF.. and write down the answers to the following questions:

 

Who am I, who do I want to become, what do I stand for, am I making a choice to respect my own heart, setting values, standards for my love, by starting no contact, and giving her and myself the opportunity to "heal" from the version of "us" that is NOT working right now?

 

Am I putting energy into myself and into "growing" as an independent, confident man? Or am I wasting my precious energy trying to figure out how can I can "fit" into a version of what i "think" she "might" want? Is it right for me to "stay in contact" when I know that in real, authentic, mature love, there is no game playing, there is no FEAR of being my complete, loving, sometimes awkward human self..

 

Ask yourself: what am I not 'getting" about this that I should be more clear about?

 

Here's a little friendly help.. here's what you can "grasp clearly"..and that is:

 

YOU are complete on your own, you are worthy of a two way street of love, respectful, intentional, mutual love.. and if this is NOT what you are getting here..(and it doesn't seem as if it's even close right now)..then accept your "sadness and disappontment for today" and know that you will get through this and love again.. "make a choice to grow" through all of this, and 'let go".. NO CONTACT, one day at a time..

 

now you can make the self empowering DIFFERENT, MORE AUTHENTIC, REALISTIC, MATURE, LOVING, SELF RESPECTING CHOICE to "go no contact" right now, just one day at a time..for YOUR OWN GOOD, and out of respect for her "mixed signals" that are clearly NOT strong enough either way for YOU to put any more energy into.. not right now...

 

maybe later, when she's had some time, space, and clarity, without having to be "polite" or "curious" or "reacting" to you... give her space, so she can have the OPPORTUNITY to maybe "discover" her authentic feelings in time.. and if not, then you have used this "time of no contact" to find your own clarity, to heal.. and to regain your sense of self..

 

if this love is real, then in time this will all work out, make a choice to "trust this".. and let go..one day at a time..no contact right now.. breathe.. and for one more day, just let go.. forgive yourself, learn, grow, cry, trust fate.. and take care of YOU right now...

[juddy]

I have just been in the same situation, NC for 4 weeks, then a text from my ex saying she was looking at a new flat, and was planning on doing this and that, i replyed saying good for you, she then asked if i wanted to meet for a drink, thats when all your hopes coming flooding back ( she wants to see me shes missing me ) we met had drinks did not even talk about our past, i ended up in bed with her we made love i left the next day, i felt good it was nice to be with her, i then wondered why she had met me, she said it had been a while and she thought it would be nice to meet. We went for lunch the following day and she looked into my eyes with so much love, she seemed so happy, i thought this could be us getting back together, she told me she had split with her bloke of 6 weeks, then i clicked, she was just using me, she even spent this weekend with one of her male friends, ( which shows she does not care about me one bit ) at no time did she say she wanted me back, i let my guard down, and i was doing so well, dont get hurt by actions like this, this is her way of either getting back at me or just leading me on.

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Thanks for the reply Blender, that really makes sense and helps alot. So if she calls me again; which I'm sure she will, I should just not answer for now and not call her back, correct? That will not make her upset? I know that NC means I should cease initiating any, but what if she keeps calling?

[blender]

Well, first off, for today you do not have to worry about her calling.. for today, you just have to stick with "no contact" from your end of this.. and IF and WHEN she does make a choice to call...

 

It depends on the "content and intention" of her call... if she just makes what I call a "polite and friendly curiosity ex call"... then no you do not return the call..will it "upset her" if you do not respond?

 

Sure, but "why" will it upset her is the IMPORTANT question...

 

and the only way to find out "why" is if you do NOT respond and this type of "no contact" can give the ex the opportunity to "let go" because it was JUST a polite friendly curiosity call and the EX KNOWS they do not have any more to offer you and so they don't call again for awhile.. (which is fine, yes it's tough, but it gives you the time to start healing and moving on) OR they will wait a few days, or weeks, and they start to get "nervous" start feeling a real sense of "losing you for the first time" and then they make another call to you, a different kind of call..

 

A call that states an intentional choice to "reveal" more of her "emotional intent" (which is what an ex will do, especially if they are so used to you responding, and when you don't, then they have chance to "wonder and think" about you..

 

they may think anything from, "why isn't he calling me back" or "well, I was trying to be nice and keep in touch but if he doesn't want to be buddies, then screw it", again because she knows she has NOTHING more to offer you at this point. (and this is good to find out now before you invest even more energy into this "false buddy" thing you've been doing... OR... this "choice of silence" on your part, can cause her to reflect, wonder, and force her to "reveal more of her emotional intent" in order to get some response from you..

 

and then if the ex is "seriously considering a reconciliation" And chooses to make a "clearly stated intentional call" asking YOU a question about the two of you, then YES you can return the call, being fully aware, that she might be calling again just because she is simply not "comfortable" with your lack of response, and that might be all she wants, is just a "response" so she knows your just still "there".. and once she talks to you, she's back in HER COMFORT zone, just being friendly and polite, sending "mixed signals" and then you are back to square, confused, hurt and starting all over again in your healing process...

 

so be wary of returning an exes call, unless they are ASKING AN INTENTIONAL RELATIONSHIP TYPE QUESTION IN THERE CALL, OR STATING THAT THEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT "US"... Unless they are saying one of these two things... then there is NO reason to return the call.. it would only lead to more friendly frustrating confusing unfullfilling banter.. and YOU are no longer going to put your heart at risk by choosing to "ignore" her actions and instead just cling to "reading between the lines' and "hoping for a sign".. that is NO longer an option, because it doesn't work, it sets no standard or respect for your heart..

 

So wait until she makes the right kind of call to you... until then "no contact" and give her the chance to "discover" an authentic intent... and if she does not, then at least you have taken this time to "heal, grow through the loss, and move on"...

 

If she does make the intentional call at some point..

 

You do not have to return that call until you feel you know where you stand and what boundaries you wish to set respectfully for your heart..

 

But for today, there is NOTHING to worry about, you are now making a self respecting choice to get on with your life, and trust that if she discovers a real love for you, and wants to "make it happen as a couple" she knows where to find you, and she can express just that.. anything less... is not worth responding to...

 

Because you already know that the "old pattern and choice" was NOT working.. it just wasn't.. and this way you can now feel empowered by YOUR choice to set a personal standard, a deal with yourself, to let go, give her space, not be a doormat for her, and accept that for today she is not "ready or willing" to make an intentional emotional effort towards you.. and until she does, your thoughts can be about TAKING CARE OF YOU...

 

I hope this is helpful and clear.. if you need to ask any more questions.. feel free, but most important are the questions we ask ourselves.. the "truth" we choose to discover about what is "okay" and "respectful" for our own hearts..

 

And right now, you know the old friendly banter was not "okay" and "respectful" for your heart... and now your healing begins.. your empowerment begins, and her opportunity to discover authentic feelings for you begins.. feel good about this.. no matter the outcome, YOU are growing, learning, and becoming someone YOU yourself can admire.. and this "new confidence" you will build will make you SO ATTRACTIVE, you'll be attracting the most amazing women into your life, and it may be your ex...

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Thank you for the reply and advice, just curious, is all your information learned thru experience because you are very well spoken? One question, why would my ex call me just to say hey or to see how I was doing? She broke things off with me so why would she still call in this manner? You said not calling her would give her time to "let go", and assess her true feelings for me and what she wants. You mean she could actually be going thru what I am to a lesser degree?

[blender]

WHY would she call just to say "hey, and see how you are doing"? Because she knows it's "been okay to do so" without any real intention of making a serious effort to take another try at the relationship... that is 'why"...

 

And yes, she could actually be going through what you are to a "lesser degree" but the ONLY way she will ever get the OPPORTUNITY to feel what you are feeling, or to discover the gift of clarity about her feelings towards you, good, bad or indifferent... is when YOU make a choice to define yourself in a different way other then a guy who is accepting only "crumbs" up until now.. now you are choosing "no contact" and your silence will give her the opportunity to discover is she is willing and intentionally emotionally responsible enough to stop "throwing crumbs" and instead try to give you the "whole cake" ... the whole cake is an "intentional, loving, effort" to give a relationship another try.. but for now, she's been comfortable and content with just knowing you are "there".. and you have allowed this comfort..much to your own frustration...

 

So now, you are making a choice to be "silent" she knows how you feel, she knows where to find you, if she is truly intentionally wanting to "try again" at this relationship, she will say so... until then.. it's best to "let go" ...and NOT contact her for now...

 

What is the respectful alternative?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

You said she knows how I feel and that she knows where to find me if she wants to. Yes, she knows where to find me but I'm not sure she knows exactly how I still feel about her, she may think I am satisfied with just being friends now and that I've accepted our breakup. I have clearly not accepted it and am not over it, as you well know. I thought this was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I still love her. I know the feelings need to be reciprocated but they are not. At one time she was in love with me and something changed that. There are many things I could think of but in "real love", couples who truly love one another are willing to communicate and work things out. There are some things I didn't realize really bothered her until she told me right before we split. She wasn't communicating that to me while we were together so I could make a conscious effort to work on them. Communication is an absolute must in order for any relationship to be successful, and I don't think alot of people do that enough.

 

Would it be a good idea next time she calls to let her know exactly how I still feel and that I'm not ok with how our current communication is going and why? Then start the No Contact? I'm not going to initiate any contact with her, I have already made that decision.

[blender]

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much, but sometimes we just have to be "sad" for awhile.. again I will just say that in most break ups the best way through all this is to try to separate your feelings from the facts.. by your making a choice to "not respond" to her most recent call..it will be "clear" or at least she can have the "opportunity" to ask, if you are "not" okay with being just friends right now.. but she is NOT asking..not for today anyway.. so give it time..

 

You said you have made a choice to not "initiate any contact" that seems like the right thing to do.. I agree...

 

I think you already know your answer, perhaps it is time to make a choice to learn to "accept" this.. to use your own words, you wrote in an earlier post:

 

Quote: "When she started calling me again it was like everyday, and I was calling her back everyday also, then the calls lessened. I didn't want to keep calling after they lessened because I didn't want to push her away. This is something I still fear from after we first split up, when I believe I pushed her away by calling and not completely giving her the space she needs." End Quote.

 

So what did you learn about yourself from the above mentioned experience?

Did you learn to be in "acceptance" that she is just not "ready" for something "more" than friendship right now?

 

Did you then discover that YOU are drained by a less then committed "buddy system" with her, where contact was merely friendly, cordial, and on YOUR part "hopeful" .. and this "friendly contact" was starting to cause you stress, resentment, confusion, disappointment when the whole time she was simply receptive, and "comforted by being in friendly contact" yet you were left feeling "disappointment"?

 

Do you honestly think she believes you are "happy' just being friends?

 

I mean really, truthfully, do you believe in your heart of hearts that she is not "trying to make this work with you" BECAUSE she thinks you don't want it to?

 

Again separate your "feelings" from the "facts"... If in FACT she wants "more" with you right now.. wouldn't she have said exactly that to you?

 

The FACT is she had no problem expressing to you at one time that she "needed space" so why would she all of the sudden be afraid to tell you she wants to "try again to be a couple"?

 

Our "feelings" at times, well, we let them get the better of us, and we "choose" to read between the lines, our "hope" makes us do this.. and it's normal.. but remember things are very clear, she is okay with being friendly right now, and you want more.. isn't that right?

 

If we set a standard for our own heart and make a choice (even if it's difficult to do) to look at the FACTS of the exes choices, behavior, intent.. well then we can mourn the loss of what we "hoped the ex might be" and instead make the self loving and self respecting choice to be in acceptance of who they are "revealing themselves to be and what there intent "is" for today..

 

and for today, she is "taking her space and time"... and if this is about "love" then love her enough to let her have the "space and time" but FIRST, love yourself enough to set some standards and emotional boundaries respectfully for your own heart..making a deal with yourself that you know what you want from love, and for right now, this relationship as it is can not provide it..

 

And this starts with being in "acceptance" of the FACT that for right now, she is not choosing to intentionally pursue an honest definte attempt to work this out as a couple..

 

instead (her actions indicate) she is choosing to just be "friendly" and that is okay for HER, but it's not working for you, NOT if it is causing you distress, confusion, resentment, false hope, and also putting you in a situation where you are "choosing" to just "be there" without some standards for what YOU really want from all this...

 

And I don't mean calling her to declare you are feeling this way, just take time to "realize this in yourself" and when you are less vulnerable and IF she calls and ASKS why you are not responding to her..THEN, you can be "clear" on where you stand... but just give this time... for yourself to think..

 

I could be wrong, but I do think she knows how you feel.. I really do.. I know you "feel" you might not have communicated this to her, BUT also try to remember that she has NOT communicated that SHE is intentionally wanting to "try again to work this out as a couple" in FACT her "actions" speak volumes louder than any words...

 

You can now make a choice to remember and accept the fact that at one point she had the guts to communicate her "truth" that she wanted "space and time" Right?

 

So now you can be comforted by accepting that she can also at some point, make a choice that is she wants to "intentionally make this work as a couple" she will communicate that "truth" if that is what she discovers...

 

Until then, try to take care of you, it will take some time for you to regain some perspective on all this.. it hurts, it's confusing, disappointing.. but communication is a two way street, and sometimes when we do not "like" the communication we are recieving.. our hearts start to "read between the lines, looking for signs" and ignoring the facts..

 

and the fact is, it "seems" to want nothing more then to be "friendly" right now and nothing more.. and that's okay.. for HER.. but not for you.. you are still too vulnerable, hopeful.. so that is why "no contact" is a wonderful, loving, process..

 

give it time, give it space, learn from the time when you felt you didn't have the courage to "let go" and do that now...

 

and see if you feel "better".. not perfectly better, but at least you can gain some clarity on what is OKAY for your heart in all this.. and for right now, this friendly banter is not "okay" for your heart.. so instead of thinking of this no attempt at "no contact" as giving "space for her".. think of it in terms of YOU making a empowering choice to have giving YOURSELF "space" for right now...

 

Do this for you.. she is fine, she is a big girl, who knows where to find you.. and if SHE wants to pursue another "try as a couple" I really believe she will say just that.. either way.. YOU will be okay.. learning, growing, setting a standard and self respecting value on your own heart, by letting go for now...

 

This is a tough time, you can get through this.. with integrity, dignity and a valuable life lesson.. that YOU are worthy of an intentional effort from a woman who makes a choice to make it work with you.. because that is what you are willing to do..right? so do not accept anything less for yourself..

 

starting right now.. write this down or say it out loud: "For today no contact is the most loving thing I can do, for myself, and for her, If she discovers during this time and space that she loves me, she will let me know, if not, then I am grateful for discovering how deeply I can love, and will love, and I look forward to the mystery and joys of my future, and the wonderful women my new found confidence and understanding will attract into my life, either way the best is ahead of me"

 

Breathe, relax, let go for today.. just one day at a time, being proud of your effort to maintain no contact and set a standard for your own loving heart...just do this for today...

 

let us know how you're doing... I believe it is best for you to maintain no contact right now, but if you get a desperate urge to contact her, think it through.. seperating feelings and facts... and then wait 24 hours before acting on any urges for contact..talk it out with a friend first, or on here... the above word from me, is only my take on all this.. you do what is best for you..asking yourself:

 

Do you believe that letting go for today is what is healthiest for you right now?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

My ex and I have not spoken since Sat. and it does feel like I am getting some control in the situation by No Contact. I know that there is a day sometime soon when she will probably call, and that is when my first true test will come. As much as I love her and would like to respond, it gets me nowhere, because nothing comes out of it but friendly talk. I go right back to square one when that happens and it does not help me. I need to take some time for myself and think about what you said. I am worthy of an intentional effort and love from someone, whether it is my ex or anyone else, and I cannot accept any less. I am willing to give that of myself and it's only right that I receive that in return.

 

I have given nothing but my best to my ex, when we were together and since we split up, and I can be proud of that. I do want to always be there for her but right now I need to be there for me. I know there are things I would change when we were together, but I can't change that now. I can use that to learn and become a better person. I know I always treated her with respect and love, better than she has been treated in any other past relationship. She knows that if we are together that I will always be there for her and she will never need to worry about my committment to her. If she makes the choice to not come back, she is losing out on someone who has so much to offer, and is willing to be her all, regardless of what she has been thru in her past.

 

I need to use this time to better myself as a person and get my confidence back, because right now, I need to be my first priority in this. Hopefully she will gain some clarity over time and realize what she really wants.

[blender]

Congratulations, you are now making a choice to think more clearly. This is a gift. Heartache provides us the opportunity to grow, learn, and be reminded that we teach people how to treat us, and you are starting to realize that YOU are NOW treating yourself with respect, by not "trying to convince" someone to love you,

 

but instead, love yourself enough to know that when love is real, and we are emotionally stronger, healthier when we make a different choice, by choosing "no contact", we no longer feel a desperate need to be completed by the ex, or to attain our happiness from them..

 

but instead choose to be in a relationship because two people are complete on their own and want to share thier happiness with each other, intentionally. until that comes.. you are now developing the character who will attract no less...

 

You really sound like you are maturing through all this, your last post was so strong, wise, empowering... when you have a bit of a "set back" (which will happen over the next few weeks), just breathe and re-read you last post from today.. and be reminded that the quality of character you are choosing to gain from this experience is making you so attractive,

 

you are on the road to healing, and if your ex does "discover" through this tiime that she wants to "try again".. well she better get it together and be her best self, because it's obvious that YOU are becoming your best self.. and you can only do this on your own, as you are now, making the self respecting choice to step back, with courage, integrity, and love.

 

One day at a time.. hang in there, you're doing great.

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Blender, my ex's oldest little girl has a birthday tomorrow, she is turning 6. I had been thinking about calling or texting her to tell her happy birthday. I had been planning on doing this before I decided on no contact, what do you think?

[blender]

This is a tough one, who are doing this for? Ask yourself is it the little six year who will be waiting to hear from you? Is it right to confuse her? Did you have a close friendship with this little girl, is she "clear" on who you are in her life?

 

Do you feel it is "appropriate" to send a "text" I'm sure the little girl doesn't have her own cel phone. It would have been okay "maybe" to have sent a birthday card through the snail mail, but texting her mother to wish her little girl a happy birthday...mmm..it depends, does not sound like a great idea... will she have to respond, would you expect a response?

 

Perhaps you can send a birthday card out today via snail mail, and so what if it gets there a few days late.. I don't have the answer for this, perhaps if you tell me your answers to the above questions I could be more helpful in getting you to decide what is best to do..

[InLoveAndWaiting]

I guess your right, I don't have any good answers to those questions. I just wanted to let her know that I did not forget her B-day, but she may not even care, I know she isn't expecting anything. I did get the younger one some things for her B-day but we were still together then, I guess it is not appropriate now. I don't just miss my ex, I miss the little girls also, and wish I could be there for their B-day's, I guess I just need to continue no contact and try to let go. This is not easy on me but I need to continue.

[blender]

Yes, you've now asked yourself the right questions and have arrived at an appropriate answer. Maintaining no contact now is the responsible and attractive thing to do.. of course you miss the daughters.. you've been through so much, and our "expectations" when not met, are another loss all to themselves.. but you're doing great, feel empowered by your sense of self, and the "classy" way you are choosing to handle all this... your silence will speak volumes... you will feel better and better as time goes on...

[InLoveAndWaiting]

In your opinion, is no contact the best way to attract the ex back? Does is really make you more desirable?

[blender]

WARNING: this is just my humble opinion based on all you've told me, so please read it with your own values and judgements.. I'm just being devil's advocate to promote some serious thought on your part so you might see the whole picture more clearly through your own discovery. I certainly don't know anything for "sure" so you can apply your own thought process to the following:

 

 

yes, in my opinion when the ex is not making an intentional effort to work it out as a couple, and they are not calling to discuss 'working it out", then NO CONTACT is the only way to let them have a chance to "discover" authentic feelings.. and for you to take time to heal, get your sense of self back, and then maybe sometime in the future, reconcile..

 

Take a moment to think what the alternative choice is and where it MIGHT lead.. Okay, so, you stick around, and never let them discover "authentic feelings" because they are so busy being "polite" to your calls, or just calling to "use you for momentary comfort" or just make sure that you are "there" and that YOU are "okay" being "there" and that you obviously have no standards or regard for your OWN heart, (if you don't respect your heart and have some boundaries then why should they treat you any differently then they way you treat yourself)

 

especially if you are now willing to accept "crumbs"

(CRUMBS: definition: friendly calls once in awhile, no commitment, no effort to work on it, no promises, mixed signals, no comfort or ease of being your true self, afraid your authentic feelings will scare them off..just so happy to have any kind of contact, etc)

 

after all the intamcy and history shared, why would you pretend to be "okay" with "crumbs"... in doing so, you are lowering the standard for your own heart, the value of self, so then why would the ex ever need to make a choice to "rise to the occasion of discovering authentic feelings" and give you the whole cake you are wiling to give them?"

 

In this scenario of "friendly contact" when the ex is NOT making an intentional loving effort to work on the relationship. well then choosing to "keep in touch" and have a kind of "friendly contact" will only lead to your own resentment, disappointment, and meanwhile give your ex a false definition of who you truly want to be in a life of the woman you love...

 

and the ex then may start to define you in the "thankful for crumbs friend category" not because they mean to, but they are going to treat you the way you treat yourself..that's just human nature.... and then they may eventually seek "romance" else where... and then slowly fade away , make excuses, and then you will be really devastated...

 

But "no contact" is a choice of self respect, giving the ex the opportunity to "miss you", THE THOUGHT PROCESS OF THE EX DURING NO CONTACT: Is either they "may feel a twinge of guilt, but don't do anything about it because they KNOW they are not ready to offer you more..or they "can care less".. which is tough result of "no contact" but it's VERY IMPORTANT to find out..

 

OR

 

They start to wonder about you, think about you, even consider you, what you meant to them, wow, you haven't returned her call, what's going on with him, I should call him and ask, and if he tells me he wants me back, I can say..whoa, wait a minute I thought we were going to be friends.. and then YOU can lovingly and respectfully say:

 

"I wish we could be "friends", but it's not something I can do right now, my feelings are still strong for us as a couple. So out of respect for you and myself now that you've made your lack of strong feelings or intention to be more than friends very clear, I think it's best that we let each other go for now, I am not interested in being buddies with someone whom I've shared so much love and intamcy with, and who I hope someday to build a life with.. that's how I feel right now, and since you are not ready to say you feel the same way, it's best that we respect each other enough to let go.. and if at some point you do want to "try again" please call me and we can consider that together..."

 

Does this make any sense... because I could be way off here.. but from all you have told me, I think it might be close... let me know how youi're doing.. here if you need me

[silentalways]

no contact is disrespectful. communication shows respect. i am not afraid of being seen as weak for standing up for something and someone i love and believe in. that is no tossing crumbs - it is courage in the face of adversity. when everything is going against you and you can tell someone that you believe in them and want to be a part of their life and do so with conviction and confidence - that is meaningful. being weak is waiting and hoping they might consider you as a partner - i want to see strength and the ability to decide. i want this woman to be my life partner, if she doesn't want me - she is free to choose so. i have admitted my faults, promised change, shown what i will and am doing and if that means nothing and she has zero faith or feelings then at least i know once and for all. i have been in quicksand for too long and i do not wish to 'stand still' - but move forward. she knows all this, how much i love her - and that when i am determined i can do anything.

she is a beauty, smart, wise, caring, insightful woman and i respect whatever decision she makes but the time for no communication must end. she knows evertything about my issues and i will not stumble - and that is a promise.

[blender]

"Silentalways", I'm so sorry, I don't understand your history with this woman... are you broken up right now? Has she expressed clearly that she is interested in making an intentional effort to make the relationship work? Well, if that is the case, then sure stay in contact..

 

If not, and she is wanting time and space, then...

 

No contact is sincere, loving, and respectful.. if you have already expressed your feelings, and she is not willing to "work on it", then no contact is a courageous, respectful, kind, loving, realistic, accepting choice.. don't you agree? It's about self discovery.. that is the courageous respectful thing to require of yourself, and to respectfully let the ex find for themselves.

[silentalways]

i just am not sure if it is that or what i had done - if she wanted to go to a therapist together or work on anything that was an issue i would but if it is because she wants to discover herself - and do so without me - then there is truly nothing i can do.

 

this is the hardest time of my life.

 

[see, and please excuse, my long self-serving post - it is really about her and i - sigh]

 

I am the second born, and the first son, of 4 children my parents had. Well, factually, I am the third born and second son because my parents had a son before me but he died during birth so I guess i am the 'we'll try again' child of the family. I was born premature and was always sick as a child. I had the kind of fevers where you would see monsters and that was no looked kindly upon by my father. At an early age I discovered I was a burden so to protect myself I found ways to protect myself from hurt. This usually involved shrugging off my hurt as if it meant nothing and in doing so started at an early age unconscoiyusly thinking people did the same thing. So when I said or did something to hurt someone I never gave it the right measure of import. Thru grade school I was so skinny that in grade 4 my teacher used me as a skeletal example and had me take off my shirt in front of my class and let her poke around my rib cage. In order to survive I became the class clown and developed ways of expressing my hurt silently and personally thru art and music. High school was a blur of existence that really meant nothing nor prepared me for life as an adult. But what I lacked in ability I made up for with generousity and determination. I married too young and during a time where I had learned that the way to cope from ones weaknesses was through drinking. So from my teens to my twenties my coping mechanism was to run from trouble through self abuse and lies and after a period of self punishment I would overachieve and be capable of things I always wanted to accomplish and slowly I became the man I believe I could be. In the process I learned how to finally open my heart and trust completely in people – to the point where I never doubted or felt people in general held malice towards another. That changed when I discovered my then wife had lived a 'separate life' and it was then that my ability to 'trust' was lost. Because of this, I had to end my marriage and co-parent – something I never wanted to do. Some time later, destiny decided that I would meet someone so amazing that it would impact my life in ways I couldn't imagine at the time. We actually met online and we found out about each other first through words, then by voice and then we met in person – by then I already knew how fortunate I was. Over the next few years, I experienced what it is like for the first time to be in love with someone, to make love with someone, to actually envision growing old with someone and wanting to do and give my all to someone without question – unconditional. I believe our love was so strong that when we told each other we were soulmates – we meant the words – they were not lies. In the beginning, this woman saw her situation and mine as being unequal and that she felt at a disadvantage because of her past. I never once felt we were anything other than equals and we shared everything. To this day I know I saw love in her eyes for me, I saw appreciation and caring, I know she believed in me and that as she grew as a person and a woman and needed to lean on me less, I was proud of what she was accomplishing, how great of a mother she was, her hidden strengthens and I woke up every day thinking of her. I remember one time I knew she was completely happy and relax and it was one morning where she started singing in the shower and walked out of the bathroom without concern for covering up. She was safe, comfortable and assure of herself, me, and us. Then she hit a crossroad, between wanting a job that matched her qualifications and abilities and the need to make her family proud, and she had already become confident and would not let her ex determine her mood or fate. So she was balancing a love, her past, her career, her school, her daughter, and living in a home that was not her own. At this time I started suffering from a depression but did not realize it at the time because depression is gradual. She had already gone thru one so I imagined she saw the signs, and she did and tried to help. I had to take time off work and for 4 out of 8 months I had no income but was carrying the household debt as she and daughter had moved in even though we both knew that was a risk. I started to see myself as failing her, and everyone and turned to past learned behaviours to cope only this time I used cocaine and became addict. In the process I became for 8 months out of 44 I started to see myself as failing her, and everyone and turned to past learned behaviours to cope only this time I used cocaine and became addict. In the process I became for 8 months out of 44 years an emotionally abusive person that neglected everyone and wasted hours online in chat rooms talking about meaningless sex issues with strangers while I whacked myself out substance wise and emotionally. In the process I felt that she had given up and hated me and when she left – I was still gonzo and in an empty house as I had given away my stuff so we could use hers and make my home feel like hers. before she left I had no idea what my behviour was actually like. I didn't realize I was being unfaithful, because I was sick and actually punishing myself by doing the things I was doing. I know it got too much for her and that she believed I would never get better and that the things I had done had forever corrupted our relationship. When I finally recovered it was too late. I was, now forever in her eyes, heart and mind, that creep that hurt her deeply. I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is to have fallen so deeply in love with someone and then totally collapse from stress to the point where you become unrecognizable to even yourself and betray everything you stand for and hurt the woman you love so much that they refuse to ever speak to you againu and see only 'the bad time' and then actually 'wake up' from that nightmare, realize and watch this love vanish before your eyes and have to come to grips with the fact that your behaviour, unintentional and caused by extroduary factors, has destroyed what you waited all your life for . then have to fiond a way to accept that this woman will never come back nor see or think of you in the ways she once did. And to find a way to somehow let go of that person in your heart because they have already done so with you. So, because of 7 months out of 4 years, because of a time where I stumbled, I am faced with the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life – find a way to let go of something that I know is never coming back and deal with the fact that I in no way intended all this to happen. I am a good man, great father and loving partner. I had never been happier in my life. And because I know she sees me as she does and thinks of me now in the exact opposite ways she once did, I will carry that scar in my heart forever – I truly believe that. I have tried every which way to tell her I understand her hurt, to apologize, to show strength and love but nothing has or will make a difference. People tell me, just move on, get a hobby, forget her, date again – but how do those things solve matters of the heart? How does going to a gym make me refocus and capable of healing from something like that? These are bandaids and do nothing for a broken heart let alone somehow make amends to her and to show respect to her. I know that I will never faulter again like I did and I wish she would want to try again and believe in us but the reality is – she will not. I know her too well. I am forever marked and stained by 30 seconds out of a lifetime and as much as I know she is hurting – it is both of us that have lost something great. I have reached out because I see promise but she doesn't and now I have to find a way to let go of this love – because that is what it is – not an obsession, not an illusion, not a fantasy – but a true and pure love we both shared and one that I alone ruined. And over the last few months I have gone from delusional because of despair to asking confidently for her hand by showing her all the things I have done and ways I have changed – with only silence as a reply. So, after saying all this, can anyone tell me – how does one move on after something like this?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I think you need to start your own thread Silentalways. The subject in this one is off par from what you have gone thru, no disrespect to you. You will get more feedback if you start your own thread.

[blender]

InLoveAndWaiting, You are exactly right, Silentalways it would be very polite for you to start your own thread..

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Well Blender, it's been 6 days of No Contact now and I haven't heard from her. This is not easy but I feel there is nothing left to be done. This is my only chance. I'm sticking with it and seeing what happens.

[blender]

Yes 6 days, seems like an eternity to you doesn't it? I understand, but try to only go one day at a time, gaining back your sense of self, your independence, and the perspective of how valuable it is to leave her alone right now..

 

it's important to have the courage to maintain 'no contact".. it's tough but it's the right thing for now, for today, no contact will lead to the best result, whatever it may be, right now the ONLY alternative is if you contact her and be back at square one, because she can NOT provide what you are seeking right now,

 

she is NOT making an intentional effort to be contact with you right now, so do not go to a dry well for water, only to leave more thirsty then when you arrived, give that well a chance to fill again, with wondering about you, noticing that you haven't been calling, give this a chance.. it takes time, it doesn't happen in "your timing" but in "fates timing"..

 

so try to let go, I know how tough this is, but the "right" thing to do is usually the toughest thing to do... but you can do it.. you're doing vey well, one day at a time...weekends are always the most difficult, but Monday will be here soon enough.. breathe, relax, cry, take care of yourself.. and let go... you'll be surprised how empowering "acceptance" can be..