I Want A Baby... HE Doesnt

[waiting7711]

I will try to make this a short as possible. We have been married for 4 years and stopped using birthcontrol right before wedding. He knew I wasnt taking the pill anymore, wasnt an issue.

So in 2003 I got pregnant, we were both thrilled and HE was telling people even before I was. unfortunately the pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. I was really torn up about it and so was he - for the first little bit, then he wanted me to "get over it" and stop being so sad and stop pressuring him to get pregnant again... because that is what I wanted, to get pregnant again.

We had several arguments about having kids and all of a sudden he just "isnt sure about the whole baby thing"... needless to say I was very hurt but still hopeful that he would change his mind.

This issue would come up especially when one of our friends would get pregnant, I would be sooo sad and depressed because it wasnt me...

Oh yah and let me just mention that during all this time we WERE NOT using any birthcontrol but we were " NOT trying " - he still wasnt sure about having a baby... yes its confusing I know.

So fast forward to December 29th, 2005 - we have a huge fight and he tells me he isnt sure if he even wants kids, that he isnt ready for that responsibility, doesnt want his life to change because of a kid... Yes they are a HUGE responsibility but so is marriage, a job, mortgage payments, etc. I hated him fo making me feel so sad.

Then on my birthday just 4 days later he tells me that he does want to have kids and that he thinks we should "really start trying" in march. So I am thrilled, great birthday present !!!

About a week later we see this program on TV about adoption from Ukraine. Poor kids that need homes etc. Well HE says to me " maybe if you have another miscarriage we could adopt from a country like that"... I agree and think its a great idea.

Well it just so happens that on January 16th I found out that I was pregnant, again he was all excited and telling people right away !! Our luck was short lived when again I suffered another miscarriage but this one had added complications and I ended up with a molar pregnancy. It is a rare pregnancy that never produces a live baby but takes a long time to resolve. I ended up in the hospital for a few days because of massive bleeding & was only free of weekly bloodwork this august.

Sooo as this was all happening I had sent away for Ukraine adoption info and we talked about it. He seemed pretty interested but wanted to wait until I was healthy again until we did anything big like adopt. YAH he was stalling again !!!

So again we have had many arguments and fights about him NOT SURE about wanting kids - blah blah blah !!

I am frustrated and mad and angry and not sure what to do at this point. What is his damn problem already.

He is jerking me around & it just isnt fair at all.

In august we had a HUGE discussion and we were both looking at separating as a way to solve this. Neither of us really wanted that but we were both so angry.

After hours of talking he finally told me that in January we can do the homestudy to start the adoption process... BUT that I cant push him ino the next step in signing up with an agency. Ok. But he also asked me NOT to bring up kids or adoption again until January. OK, and I have not. WELL January is right around the corner, does anyone have ANY advice ??

What if he changes his mind again ??

Pregancy is still optional for us but it is a scary thought since I will be 34 in january.

[robowarrior]

You are selfish, and are risking your relationship with your husband. If you want a child, then you be sure not to let it be born out of fights and hatred. Look at yourself, you wouldn't hesitate to hurt the feelings of your husband in order to get a baby. Hon,listen a baby isn't something you take ,its a gift.

 

Can't you see how you are 'forcing' yourself and your husband to have a child? Your husband gives you all kinds of signals as to why he isn't ready for a child. Your upset because you can't get a child , this perfect 'image' that you have of having a family is turning in an utopia in this way,its a good life lesson for you to understand that life doesn't always go your way. And that's basically your problem at the moment, your attitude is 'its either my way or the highway', and that you are blaming your husband is something i could just cry about. If i was your child, i would certainly not want mommy and daddy fighting about me.

 

As you can see, your miscarriages have life lessons attached to them. In order to achieve new life you may not disregard the lives nor feelings of those who are around you. Don't be like a dictator trying to force your ways on others, let nature have its natural flow, and respect your husbands opinion and feelings.

[agent1607307371]

I think that you should be careful with the adoption thing and take it slow with him. I know a couple where the man was pretty much pushed into it, and while he loves the kid, it's still a bone of contention.

 

Honestly. I think he is probably still in pain from the miscarriages and your health problems arising from it and doesn't want to put himself "out there" before it's had a chance to heal.

[itsallgrand]

Waiting,

 

I am very sorry to hear of your losses.

 

..........

 

I would suggest finding someone to speak to. A therapist. For yourself, and offer it to your hubby. Suggest it, encourage it.

 

I feel real fear in your post. It makes me hurt for you, it really does.

 

Honestly, I do not think this is about your hubby or wanting a baby right now at all.

I think, you are angry and hurt. And you could use some time to heal.

Both of you.

 

This could threaten your marriage. You are tearing each other apart, and you both sound confused and scared.

 

I understand the fear and pressure of the biological clock. But don't let it override you. It's time for logic, and to STOP.

 

If you think back to when you originally wanted to have a child, and all that meant to you and your hub - did it look like this? Feel like this?

 

You still have time to be a mom. I wish you good. tc

[Bethany]

you are blaming your husband is something i could just cry about.

 

So could I. I feel for him.

 

If I were you, in January I wouldn't even bring it up first, and when he asks why you have not mentioned it, I would tell him that it doesn't seem that important anymore and that he is all you need right now.

 

When he is ready, he will let you know.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i understand the desire to have children, and the sadness that miscarriages bring, but i am a little concerned about how desparately you are pushing this on him... lots of people have miscarriages and go onto a successful pregnancy (or adoption), but you seem very anxious to push this issue...

 

and i really don't understand how separation will solve 'this' issue... do you mean lack of pregnancy, or problems in the relationship? i really think there is something deeper going on with you as a couple here you need to look at. sometimes people are desparate to get pregnant or adopt a child as a way to fill some lack or emptiness or problem in the relationship.

 

so i would make sure that your marriage is on firm ground before bringing a child into it. it sounds like you both need to talk about this, and try to get the focus on making your marriage healthy and strong enough to withstand stress, including fertility issues or pregnancy or adoption.

 

maybe some marriage counseling would help, since right now you seem to be deadlocked, and he seems to not be ready to parent. is this because he does not want children, or because he perceives problems in the marriage. i think a counselor would help you two work this out, and reduce the cycles of fighting and him changing his mind back and forth.

[Mun]

I'm very sorry that you have both suffered these miscarriages and understandibly they would affect your relationship in a number of ways.

 

I agree with the others that you should look for outside help-counseling.

 

It sounds to me as if your husband now associates children and having children with deep loss and sadness. Not a good thing at all.

 

I do hope you will look for help with this and not push the baby thing any further with him until you have. It could mean the difference between divorce and having a family together in the future.

 

Best wishes

[n83]

Hey guys,

No offense but if I am completely disagreeing with you on this. If I wanted a baby at that age, I'd be pushing the issue too. She's not getting any younger and her chances for a healthy pregnancy are reducing as each day passes. Having a child is a big deal for a woman that wants one and it's irresponsible to say she's "forcing" the issue. She doesn't exactly have years and years to make a decision, especially considering her history of miscarrying. If she waits much longer, her chances of NEVER having a child will increase dramatically. Besides, it's not like he didn't know she wanted to have kids one day! If he doesn't want to have a kid, he owes it to her to tell her NOW.

 

That being said, I highly agree with itsallgrand and would encourage you to try to go to counseling to resolve this. You both have to be able and willing to come to a final decision about whether or not you want to have a baby. If it turns out your husband really doesn't want to have a baby, then you need to find out for yourself if you are able and willing to have one on your own.

 

I also want you to keep in mind that having miscarriages has probably affected your husband too, in ways you may not yet be aware of. I am assuming this because you said he was very excited about your pregnancies.

[waiting7711]

Thank you all for your replies.

Let me just say to ROBOWARRIER that you are quite mean and I didnt ask for insults but advice. I am not selfish at all, you do not know me. In fact it is my hubby that is being selfish and he himself has admitted to that !!!

 

Let me add just a few more things to my story, maybe I should have put them in the first post.

 

My husband even went and told people that we were looking at adoption from Ukraine, he told people that we were starting the process in September !! I heard him telling people..... hmmmm what am I suppose to think ?? Those were words from HIS MOUTH.

 

And I am the selfish one ??? He has outright lied not only to me but to others. Not to mention that he didnt know that I overheard him on one occasion telling a good friend of his about our plan to adopt !!!

 

So what am I suppose to think when he says all these things and then balks on it !!

 

And I am NOT pushing him into this - remember like I said WE WERE NOT USING BIRTH CONTROL !!! He knew that and he never told me to start birth control and our home has not seen a condom in years !!!

What does he think will happen ???

 

So basically he says all these great things about adoption etc and then changes his mind !!! I am not selfish, he is !!!

[waiting7711]

and also let me just say that until YOU have suffered multiple miscarriages you have NO IDEA how it affects you and the desire to become a mother.

 

He knew I wanted kids, he never told me he didnt want them. before we were even married we had decided that 2 kids is a good idea. this isnt some idea that I just dreamed up one day.

 

I did go see a therapist this summer when I was so upset. the therapist even told me that he is causing this problem by saying things to me that he doesnt plan on following thru with - adoption, kids.

[Mun]

Hey again,

This is a big issue and I hope you all can work it through. I don't know what more to tell you because what I want to tell you is to forget about this one. I mean if family is so important and you are divided on the issues then he may not be the right one for you. He sounds kind of flaky, I would be worried that he would walk out once the children came.

 

I hope you will find clarity and talk with him about this, no accusations, just talk. Couples counseling an option?

[waiting7711]

Can't you see how you are 'forcing' yourself and your husband to have a child? Your husband gives you all kinds of signals as to why he isn't ready for a child.

 

Like I said before - on January 2nd 2006 HE came to me and said " I think we should REALLY start trying for a baby in march "...

 

well what am I suppose to think !!!! ME NOT SELFISH !!!

 

sorry I just had to get that off my chest ONE MORE TIME !!

 

mixed signals are sure NORMAL to some people !!!!

[n83]

OK, so now you know he hasn't made up his mind. Which isn't entirely uncommon. It's a huge decision, after all. I don't usually put the word "ultimatum" out there but I think it's time that YOU thought about what YOU'RE going to do. Talk to him one more time. Tell him it will be the last time you'll talk to him about it. No more chances, no more procrastination. If he doesn't want to have a child, you have two options: you can 1) stay with him regardless or 2) leave him and try to find another person to have a family with one day. Neither will be easy, but it's better than being "immobile" at this point, not going in ANY direction either way.

 

Have you been advised to seek a fertility consultation ?

[robowarrior]

How can you be so blind? When you got pregnant for the first time your husband was happy for you. When he saw your sadness after the miscarriage, he never wanted you to go thru such misfortune ever again. This is why he displayed sincere love and natural doubts towards you on having children, because he wanted to protect you from getting hurt.Is that an act selfishness? The man deserves a medal for putting up with your selfish requests. Agreed its natural for a woman to want a baby, but that doesn't give you a self proclaimed right to hurt others in the process. And you need to slap yourself in the face to realise what you are doing, and the people you are hurting in the process. Child on demand, well it doesn't work that way. As i said before , you are the type of person who's 'either my way or the highway', again life doesn't always go your way. And you clearly can't cope with that, which is something your theraphist has overlooked. You can't look yourself into the eyes and say 'im doing something wrong here, im at fault here' you basically insist on you being right, which why i said you need to slap yourself in the face and start being realistic. Im not saying these things to insult you, im just saying you've been pointing your blaming finger towards everyone exept yourself. My advice is that you start to be honest towards yourself and your environment, although i expect that you will put the blame on someone else again.

[sophie274]

I disagree with Robowarrior.

 

You and he agreed before you got married that you both wanted to have children. If you still want children, and he doesn't, then you will have to decide if you would rather try to have a complete family with someone else, or stay with him and not have children.

 

So... you have to find out if he actually wants children, or not. Does he not want you to get pregnant because he is scared you will have another miscarriage which will leave the two of you reeling? In that case, adoption seems like a good idea.

Find out why he is waffling? Is he now unsure that he wants children? You can talk this through with him.

 

Still, I think the bottom line is that if one partner wants children and the other doesn't, there is no compromise possible. You can't have half a child. So either one partner changes his/her mind, or both partners need to find other partners.

[agent1607307371]

The man deserves a medal for putting up with your selfish requests.

 

But he's not putting up with her "selfish requests". He's chopping and changing on a serious issue. He's not taking a contraceptive responsibilty while he claims he doesn't want to try and then he's giving his wife one version and friends another.

 

Granted, he may be in pain, but so is the OP and at least her position is fixed and not making him live with conflicting decisions.

If he truly doesn't want children he owes it to her to sit down and make a final decision so that they can both get on with their lives.

[robowarrior]

I disagree with sophie

 

As i said Because In the beginning her husband displayed great happyness when he heard that she was pregnant, it meant he wanted a baby just as well. It was merely when things went wrong he wanted to savior her from getting hurt even more. I think the man has a right to doubt future decisions on getting a baby if it is going as troublesome as it is now.

[n83]

Robo

I'm sorry but I think you're totally off on this one. Yes, he has a right to avoid pregnancy if he's scared for OP or himself. Again, he should CLARIFY this so that she can be free to have a child with someone else if she wishes, while she still has time. His indecisiveness is wasting her very, very precious time. I don't know why you are telling her that she's being selfish or whatnot, but I think you're completely ignoring the fact that for some people, having a child is a great joy as well as a great struggle. Can you imagine how heartbroken she'll be if she wastes her time waiting for her husband to make a decision, only to find out that because of waiting too long, she can never have children??? To call her selfish for wanting a baby is completely irresponsible and I am absolutely appalled that you would say as much.

 

She hasn't done anything wrong. All she's done is want an answer one way or another!!

 

As agent said...

If he truly doesn't want children he owes it to her to sit down and make a final decision so that they can both get on with their lives.

[freedom]

Robowarrorior i think you are totally off the ball here.

 

But to put the whole situation in view. THis is about what people dream of and wish to have in their lives.

 

Either you want kids or you dont want kids. You can;t force someone who doesnt want a children to have children. You do however have choices,

1. To give up on the idea of having a child. ( i do know people that has did this and to tell you the truth i dont reccommend this. THe person i know is living through life as if she is not completed and she keeps wishing and now it is too late.)

2. End the relationship and find someone else that wants the same thing as you.

 

It has nothing to do with selfishness, it is to do with a persons dream, wants and needs.