Advice needed - please have a look

[Lioness]

Hi All,

 

I've posted a couple times before and I'm still struggling. My husband was diagnosed with a brain injury from a car accident last November, 2005. He left this past summer. We have four daughters, two are mine, two are his. The family has been broken up. I moved from my house to a townhome and he's in an apartment. He has sensory overload and can't take the climate in a busy household, especially the kids.

 

So we're on the fourth month of being separated and he's now told me he's in love with a co-worker, female. He's been sleeping with her and she has a four year old son. Have I gone mad here? This should be a red flag that he's lied and fabricated the entire story, right? But wait, all the doctor's we went to tell me the injury was really bad. So I'm living in this insane sort of limbo...I'm married with no husband. I love him but he no longer loves me. I won't compromise my children for him so I clearly come with children. He lost custody of his girls and now his X has them.

 

What should I be doing? It seems to me the world is divided into couples. Everyone I know is married and appears happy. I'm so lonely and sad. I sleep on the couch because the bed seems huge. Do I file for divorce? Do I fight for my husband? He never wanted to try one time since he left. Is that a clear enough message? We were blissfully happy, no lie. We fought once in a while, but the life we had was wonderful, busy and fun. I should also mention that I'm 42 and he's 55. The women, I think, he left me for is younger than me with a four year old son.

 

Come on guys!!! Can someone unwrap this for me? I'm feeling so stupid and insane you can't imagine. I no longer trust my judement and my self confidence is nearly gone.

 

Thanks.

Lioness

[rose2summer]

Hi hun,

 

Wow, what a complicated situation you are in.

 

It's possible his brain injury was in an area that's involved in emotions (hippocampus) or in sexual urges (limbic system).

 

Where exactly did he have his brain injury?

 

Sometimes when someone has a brain injury or brain insult from stroke for e.g. their personality can change drastically, I have seen it again and again.

 

I don't think his behavior is excusable though.

 

He seems to have changed for the worse and it may be best to let him go.

 

He may never be the same man again and I am sorry to bring that news to you.

 

I was working with some people who had strokes and one man's daughter came into the room and he told her, he used to be the nicest man ever, that she was the ugliest fattest daughter ever.

 

He had changed, and it was very sad.

 

Similar effects are seen in brain injury.

 

The man you loved may have left you in spirit.

 

Hugs, Rose

[someguy69]

Might want to hold off on the divorce until he gets his settlement.

[rose2summer]

Here's some info on brain injury:

Most TBI patients have emotional or behavioral problems that fit under the broad category of psychiatric health. Family members of TBI patients often find that personality changes and behavioral problems are the most difficult disabilities to handle. Psychiatric problems that may surface include depression, apathy, anxiety, irritability, anger, paranoia, confusion, frustration, agitation, insomnia or other sleep problems, and mood swings. Problem behaviors may include aggression and violence, impulsivity, disinhibition, acting out, noncompliance, social inappropriateness, emotional outbursts, childish behavior, impaired self-control, impaired self-awareness, inability to take responsibility or accept criticism, egocentrism, inappropriate sexual activity, and alcohol or drug abuse/addiction.

 

link removed

[Mun]

I'm very sorry that so much has changed and maybe it is due to his injury...who knows? do you suppose those nights out camping were just a cover for the affair he was having?

 

What should you be doing? You should be thinking of yourself and looking out for your daughters' interests. Get yourself some good legal advice.

[Lioness]

Hi Rose,

 

Yes, I've been told by the doctor's he may never get better. Actually it's less than 25% of the people with Tramautic Brain Injury's heal to where they were before. I just struggle with the fact that he left to have time alone to figure out what he wanted, and now he's in love with someone else. How does that happen? I hate to say this but if he would have died I could probably heal. But he's walking around like a normal person. He looks the same but he isn't. Rose, I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him and tried every treatment out there. But he didn't want that. He would not do counseling or any other kind of treatment. The brain stem was affect and he had severe whiplash. He blacked out for 5-10 seconds after the accident. He's able to work in a mentally challenging position, interact with people at work and carry on a normal life. It's just without his family. God I don't know what to do.

[Lioness]

I'm very sorry that so much has changed and maybe it is due to his injury...who knows? do you suppose those nights out camping were just a cover for the affair he was having?

 

What should you be doing? You should be thinking of yourself and looking out for your daughters' interests. Get yourself some good legal advice.

Hi,

 

I would like to think those weekends camping were for his benefit to be alone with noise or distraction, but I can't say for sure. I don't know anyone in this position to ask. I do have therapy once a week, but I'm starting to wonder how much good it's doing. I have legal advise but I'm afriad to move forward with it. My husband is giving me generous support but I want him back. But what are his incentives? He's having a great time on his own with his new lover.

[rose2summer]

You have done everything a loving wife would do.

 

You backed him up, supported him, stood by him despite his injury, encouraged therapy.

 

He isn't doing much to help himself, he didn't get counseling.

 

It's very important for brain injury patients to get counseling and an analysis to see pyschosocial changes, and he opted out.

 

I really feel for your story because I was affected by something similar in my own life, not with my significant other, but watching it happen to someone else.

 

It's a terrible sad situation, because I must be honest with you here.

 

The man you fell in love with and married has left.

 

His physical body is here, but he isn't the same man anymore.

 

Think about it like a computer, you need a processor right?

 

Imagine, I took out the processor/hard drive in my computer.

 

Is it still the same computer? Yes, it looks the same, but guess what?

 

All the programs I had to run it and all my saved files are gone.

 

Same with him. The emotions, the person you loved is gone, and isn't going to return.

 

He is now a new person, a different person, who is wanting to explore a new life, and sadly it has affected you.

 

I know it's incredibly hard to hear this news, and I wish it were different.

 

But he isn't the same man anymore.

 

It's best to arm yourself knowing he is gone and take whatever measures you need.

 

Holding hopes he will come back and be the same are only going to hurt you.

 

We are here to help you along the way and I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Lioness]

Hi Rose,

 

Your words are very accurate and I think I do know these things in my head, I just can't get my heart to listen. I love him beyond words and I wonder why he felt the need to turn to another woman when I'm right here, ready to help. I feel like I've failed in some way and I don't know where. I know he's slipped away and is perfectly content to be with someone else now. The tears just flow down my face and I want to crawl under the bed and stay there. This is hands down the worst thing to happen to me. I so much appreciate your support and I need it. I'm not someone that easily asks for help and I recognize I can't sail this ship alone. All my family is back east and I'm kinda alone right now. I think my nasty side wants him to know he's ruined 5 other lives, but he doesn't care. He just tells me he's living for himself now. So why would I want someone like that? I have no idea. It's nearly impossible to live for yourself when you have kids, and why would you want to? I love my girls and they are a blast. I'm going mad....help!

[Siriana]

Hm, maybe he is using this just as an excuse - if he's functioning normally otherwise and he's having problems only when it comes to you + he is capable of beeing in love with someone who has a child too and isn't worried about it, well doesn't sound to convincing to me.

Whatever the truth is - the fact is you are not getting anything from him.

 

Do what you have to do for your sake and for the sake of your children

[Beec]

I think Rose and Muna re giving you good advice. He's not the same man. I have been dealing with a matter invovling the another kind of a brain injury, the man lost part of the front of his brain. He now cannot use his logical thinking to control his emotions, and he has been violent toward his wife. Your husband's wiring was affected in a different way, probably. How to deal with that? Protect yourself, consider divorce if he is not going to be part of your life, and consider how to time your divorce.

[Lioness]

Oddly enough the money he'll be getting is a different claim than the one I have. My claim is totally separate from his and because of the accident, we will most likely divorce. It's so sad I can barely speak about it. Typing is much easier.

[Lioness]

Hi All,

 

I love the advice, keep it coming. It's really helping. Syrix brought up an excellent point which is he can have a relationship with someone else that does have a child and be fine with it. That's why I feel the story he's given me has a lot of holes in it. I wanted to hear from the guys on this one...wouldn't there be some feelings of guilt for walking out on your family of four daughters and a wife? The counselor I go to has used the word predator in the sense that he saved this woman that was going through a bad divorce....much like me 6 years ago. He has no male friends and relates very well to women...is this part of it too?

[rose2summer]

Whether he is actually affected by his traumatic brain injury in a truly emotional aspect or just using it as an excuse.

 

You really need to create as much separation from him as you can so you can heal.

 

I know you love him, it's very evident, but he's no longer with you, he's gone emotionally, just his body/shell is left behind.

 

You did not fail at all, you did everything for him you could.

 

That's what makes brain injuries/strokes so sad, is that the family is left in such confusion, since the person is literally gone, it's like they died, but their body is still working and functioning.

 

You are definitely not alone, we are here to help you.

 

Keep letting the tears flow, it will help you alleviate the pain you are feeling.

 

I think right now it would help to make a list, you can put it on here, of what you valued in him (like caring nature for eg.) and then next to that, put an x if that is still present in him.

 

I think what you will find is that everything you loved and valued in him is gone, all that's left is a shell, an empty shell that is damaged and replaced by a new man, one that is selfish and uncaring about his family.

 

Hugs, Rose

[rose2summer]

I wanted to hear from the guys on this one...wouldn't there be some feelings of guilt for walking out on your family of four daughters and a wife?

 

Would a normal healthy person feel remorse, yes, would he, no, he may be using this as an excuse the more I see you write.

 

The counselor I go to has used the word predator in the sense that he saved this woman that was going through a bad divorce....much like me 6 years ago.

 

So he jumped into this woman's bed when she is divorcing, and he jumped into your bed when you went through your divorce?

 

What was your situation? You were getting divorced and met him?

 

I smell a fish, this guy spells bad news.

[ratherbesailing]

Hi Lioness -

 

I know very little about brain damage but my experience with married people having affairs is that they don't usually seem to feel very guilty. They tend to come up with a story about why they aren't to blame and they invest themselves wholeheartly in believing the story they have created. The worst part is the story doesn't always make sense and often seems to have very little basis in fact. They also tend to get very very selfish.

 

Your husband may exhibit the same symptoms as a head trama victim but he's also acting just like an unfaithful spouse who is using head trama as an excuse. I will be happy for you when you get to the point where you aren't tearing yourself apart to decide which is actually true. In the long run it doesn't matter why he left, you need to focus on your kids and healing your heart.

 

I want you to know that his actions are no reflection on you. Anyone can tell you are a loving caring person. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this and I doubt very seriously there is anything you can do to bring things back to the way they used to be.

 

There are some great books out there. My favorite is "Letting Go" by Dr. Wanderer and Dr. Cabot. It has a lot of practical advise on how to speed up the healing process.

 

Good luck.

[moonbeam111]

It is not fair that it happened to you. It's terrible. You did everything possible to stand by him and keep the family intact. But it takes two people to do that.

 

Since you are looking for explanations, I have a few ideas why he could make such poor choices:

1. Neurological changes due to the accident. Disconnect, lack of empathy, impulsivity, etc...

2. Death anxiety related to the accident and a feeling that life is too short and he needs to live for himself and pursue his dreams while he can.

3. Late middle life crisis. The reasons - mortality, aging, late regrets, and burning desire to start over with a new younger woman.

 

But whatever the real reasons are, it does not matter! Your children need a healthy, strong, and happy mom. Why don't you reverse your powerful intention to help him and apply it to yourself? Get a lot of help and support, reach out to friends and family, nurture yourself and let go of "him". The man you loved is still in your heart. The love, the good times, the connection - it's all yours still.

 

The man that walks around and looks like him is a stranger. Your mind is sharp and your inner vision is excellent. You did recognize that he is a stranger, right?

[Mun]

I understand you feel very betrayed after being there for him through his injuries and all. You have every right to feel that way. Go ahead and cry.

 

You sound to me like a very strong lady and your daughters are lucky to have you as their mom. Just remember to live for yourself too. You will be teaching your girls to value themselves and their time just as you do.

 

There's no telling what motivates your husband now and how he could walk out on you all. Someone else said mid life crisis, sure sounds like a possibility.........especially after having gone through a horrible accident. Facing mortality does strange things to people.

Still this was not fair to you.

 

Hang in there.

[Lioness]

Hi Ratherbesailing,

 

Number 2 was absolutely dead on! He has said "I'm living for myself now" over and over in many emails. He no longer wants to be in a young family too. My daughters are 7 & 11. Their dad (my first husband) is very much in their lives but their stepdad, my current husband, was also. They had the best of both worlds.

 

I'm so glad you said that.

[Lioness]

Yes, you're right. Mid-life crisis. It does smack of that doesn't it? You all seem to have keen insight and I do feel better. I love my girls to death and their positive outlook on life is crucial. They are concerned for me and have watched me suffer throughout this entire ordeal...going on over a year now. The accident was November 11, 2005.

[Lioness]

Hi Moonbeam111

 

I wanted to reply to this piece of your comments:

 

But whatever the real reasons are, it does not matter! Your children need a healthy, strong, and happy mom. Why don't you reverse your powerful intention to help him and apply it to yourself? Get a lot of help and support, reach out to friends and family, nurture yourself and let go of "him". The man you loved is still in your heart. The love, the good times, the connection - it's all yours still.

 

After he left this past summer I had to get ride of every picture I had of him. I also had to move from our house because I was getting worse; losing more weight and losing a grip on reality. Once I was sure every nook and cranny of him had been destroyed or disguarded I turned to my laptop and deleted all his pictures. I kept all the photos of the girls, about 700 of them, but all traces of Gary are gone. I did the same in my office, my car, anyplace I frequented. I thought I'd feel bad but I don't. I have kept him in my heart but as far as a physical connection, there's not one thing left. Looking back I'm not exactly sure if that was the right thing to do, but what's done is done.

 

The absolute worst thing I'm afraid of is bumping into him at the grocery store or something like that. I've erased him from my brain, like he's dead, but my heart beats for him night after night. I dream of him and I swear I can smell him laying next to me. I hear his voice and if I do try and actually sleep in our bed I pile pillows up next to me so when I swing my arm over I think he's there...crazy stuff that doesn't seem very sane to me but I keep doing. I wonder, while all this is going on, if he even thinks about me at night. We had a very satisfying sex life and it's searing to imagine him with another woman. I'm a professional woman, gone to college, good job and all that stuff. But it really doesn't matter when the one you love isn't with you anymore. Money is nothing more than a means to give you choices, that's it. It's the people in the house, the parents and kids, that make the house a home, not the things you put in it.

[Lioness]

Hi Rose2summer,

 

I was divorced from my first husband seven years ago. My youngest daughter was three months old. He works for IBM and travelled a lot. It was a mutual concent thing and while it was tough, it was nothing compared to this. Anyway, I had been divorced for about a year and a half when I met Gary, my current husband. So I would not say I was vunerable, lonely, most definitely.

 

I think the predator label fits in many cases. He likes to relate and help women. He has no male friends and doesn't want any. But if there's a female in need, he's there. He wants to be the knight riding in on the white horse to rescue the fair maiden. I remember him telling me about her last Christmas; he said he found her crying at the copy machine because her husband had fallen in love with the neighbor accross the street.

 

What do you make of that?

[someguy69]

Oddly enough the money he'll be getting is a different claim than the one I have. My claim is totally separate from his and because of the accident, we will most likely divorce. It's so sad I can barely speak about it. Typing is much easier.

 

Yes, but is the money he'll be getting significantly larger than what you'd be getting? I would imagine so as he was the one with the brain injury.

 

It could be possible that he wants a divorce before the settlement so that he doesn't have to share it with you.

[sillyladyx3]

hi [:

 

if u think u guys coudl go back to what u had or better then fight for him

don't let this younger woman have him. Make him want you back . don't file for a divorce yet nto till ur sure u both want it. I might not be much of help for you but i'm only 16 and i hvn't gotten married yet but i hv been in love and i know what its like well i know what its liek for me and i hope i've helped at least a little [:

 

-all my love -

[chiaera68]

I am going through something simular with my DH. he head a brain injury in Feb 2006 and didn't get any treatment for it apart from the healing that was done in hospital. he was one of the lucky ones who seemed to come out ok..physically. he now says and has for a while that the world seems gray and he doesn't have the same love for me but still loves me. he is pushing for him to move out. I think he wants to save us from seeing him wanting to curl into a ball and hide from the world. I am pushing he him to stay. I am going to Drs next week to 'chat' to his gp. I don't know what support I can get from him. We went through a trail seperation last year and he decided to come back. Now only recently he tells me that it isn't working for him. I wonder if their is someone he is getting emotionally involved with at work? i feel so lost I am work through this...but it is hard.