The ex wants back into my life. Which side of the fence do I pick?

[shellie12345]

Sorry if this is kinda long...I will try to keep it short.

So I have posted a few times on here regarding my ex boyfriend. I will sum things up though..

So we dated for almost 4 years. Our first year at the same University he broke up with me. For the next 3 years I watched him with so many other girls. He turned from the sweet and sensitive man that I loved and respected, into the manwhore jock who all the girls wanted to be with. It was horrible. It took me a long time to be ok again. I hated going out to bars because I was afraid of what I might see. I cried a lot, and I lost control of my happiness for a long time. Throughout all of this, he would try and maintain contact. He lived 2 blocks away but I rarely saw or spoke to him. He would only maintain enough contact to be able to call me his "friend" and would see me when it was convienient for him. I hated him for a long time. I resented how he threw me away to party and to have sex with random girls. I got over it though. Every now and then he would come around and tell me he wanted me in his life. How I was his best friend and he needed me in it. I would give in and allow it, then he would abuse it all over again. It was a cycle. He would apologize in a big way for doing something awful (as a friend) and then i would forgive and we would start hanging out again, then it would happen even worse etc...

I reached a point where I stopped caring. I stopped considering him my good friend because he wasn't. He was an awful friend to me, he was the most selfish person i knew.

He hurt me a lot, so many times and in so many ways.

I forgave him and accepted the fact that we were just friends but not close and not important to one another.

Now we are finished University. We are back in the hometown we grew up in and all of a sudden now he wants to do anything he can to have me close to him. He told me that over the summmer he realized that he treated me so badly all of those years and that I am very important to him. He is pushing for a close friendship. He is calling everyday almost and when we are alone together he wants to hold me and talk to me for hours like we used to.

There is a part of me that wants that too. All those years I was hurt because I missed him, because I knew that we had something special and that i never had been so close to a person like that in my life. That part of me wants him here, that part of me makes me call him and talk for hours about nothing, and that part lets him hold me and cuddle me when we are together.

There is another part of me that is screaming NOOO! It is telling me not to trust him, not to let him off so easy, not to let him have me when he threw me away. It is telling me that he only wants to have me close because those tons of girls are no longer around to keep him occupied and now that he is home he misses the comfort of me.

So here I sit, on this painful fence. I don't know which side to jump onto. I am wavering back and forth. I am so confused about what I want and what I feel. I need to decide, I am living in limbo so it seems.

Help me, what side should I chose?

[akatoro]

In my humble opinion guys like that need to be taught a lesson or two.

 

What if the part of you wanting him back wins? Will the other part keep on hating yourself for it and if so, would it be worth it?

 

What if the part of you that hates him wins? Will you keep yearning for him even though he's hurt you or will you go find someone better and become complete?

 

I know it's a hard choice when you're in that spot and there really aren't any "black or white" options. Speaking from my own experience however, I'd shut him out, take what experience you have with him and strive to find a guy who won't go to the nearest and easiest gal.

 

In the end you will have to decide for yourself.

Just keep in mind that if you let him come back you might have to repeat your university years. Surely you have become stronger watching him with others, surely you are strong enough to be single a little while longer?

 

I hope that this reply, eventhough it's not the answer to your question, can be of some help. Good luck // Akatoro.

[shellie12345]

When you were in a similar situation how did you ignore the part of you that did'nt want to run away?

Has anyone been in a situation like mine? What side did you pick? How did it end up in the long run?

[Juliana]

I think that the rage you are feeling will come out inevitably if you open up a closer relationship with him. Intimacy requires honesty, and you are honestly profoundly hurt. You can deal with it okay as long as you tell yourself he doesn't get to "have" you anymore, but the minute he tries to tap those deeper feelings again, I don't think you're going to welcome him with quite the open arms he remembers.

 

I think he's a very insensitive person, and you need to cut him out of your life once and for all. No more friends, no more anything.

[shellie12345]

I agree he is insensitive. He was a huge jerk for so long. But why is it that I still love the guy? Even though I don't want to start up a romantic relationship I still love him. I still miss being close with him and there is a side of me that still wants to try and make it work. I agree he deserves to be cut out of my life. He is lucky I am even talking to him at all. So I should cut him out...but I can't ignore the other part of me. How can I do something that does not feel 100% right to me? Cutting him off does not feel right, and having this friendship does not feel right either.

[Belle]

Shellie,

 

In my experience, most people don't change. Now that he doesn't have access to as many easy women as possible he sees your value. This guy is no good for you. Unless you're masochistic, I would stay away from him and any friendship he offers. He's a user.

[Rabican]

my first thought is that he threw you away for the "strange" he wanted something different, all the girls, sex, drinking etc. Meanwhile didnt care about you.

 

The second thought is why would he want to change now.

 

Is he alone now that hes back home, and he would rather be with you than alone?

 

Or has he settled down, and realized that he wants you in his life and that he was a total fool for causing you the pain that he did.

 

If you can get past all of the heartache, pain, baggage that comes with his past behavior then give it a shot. Dont try if you are still scorned by what he has done. Itll only surface again in the form of you raging against him for what he did to you... that isnt healthy.

 

My suggestion is to either tell him to take a hike. Or tell him that you will give him a chance, but you are taking that chance VERY SLOWLY. Remember the saying fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. Well when the guy starts fooling you dozens of times... sometimes thats hard to shake. Make him PROVE that he is changed before you commit your heart or body to him again.

[shellie12345]

You are right, I have been fooled by him many times. It hurt me the most when I was over him and just wanted a friendship. When he would tell me he wanted me to be back in his life, for us to be the close friends we once were and then he would completely screw me over in some way. Those were the times that hurt the most. It was because I had moved past the point where I wanted to be with him, I was putting my trust in him in another way and he abused that too.

There are days when I think that I should tell him to take a hike. When I know in my mind that he is not worth it, that he is lucky to even be talking to me at all. Those are the days when I feel like I need to cut him off. I just get overwhelmed thinking about where to begin. I don't think I mentioned this but he is in the same group of friends as me. He is ALWAYS out with us on weekends, he always knows what I am up to and I don't see a way to ever change that. I can start hanging out with other people but I love my friends and have no desire to do that.....except to get away from him.

In order for me to terminate the friendship I would have to change so much of my life...and I don't think it is fair that I should have to change anything else for him. I have already done so much, I have already had to change so much just because of him.

On the other days when I feel more open to the idea of letting him back in I think he is worth it. I think the closeness that we have and the way we are with eachother is something special. Something I don't want to let go of. You know when you think about those stories of 2 best friends getting into a fight, not speaking for a while and then something happens to one of them and the other friend is left regretting the fact that they did not get to have that time with the person over something stupid?

I know my situation is different but the fact that I do love him and that I do care for him makes me think that it is all that should matter.

I know he did'nt show me that...but he is willing to now, maybe that is how it was supposed to happen? I don't know, these are just some of the millions of thoughts that have come to mind when trying to decide what to do here.

If he is a user I will end up hurt again if I try. If he is genuinely sorry for what he has done and wants to make it right and I don't try, I will never know the type of friendship we could have had. I don't know how to trust him, I don't know if I can.

[Rabican]

You could do two things.

 

Talk to your friends, and try to set it up somehow so that this guy isnt always around when you are. If they are really your friends, and can see how badly this guy has burned you... im surprised they would even want him around. I wouldnt.

 

Or simply politely ignore him when he is there. Just tell him that as much as you want him to 'take a hike' its not possible due to your shared friends. thereforeeee, you will just be civil, not start fights with him, not be mean to him, but you will not be 'buddy buddy' with him. Pretend hes a stranger on the bus and you have no desire to talk to him.

[shellie12345]

i have been down that road oh so many times with him. I play the "I am pretending you are not in the room" bit. I have tried the only civil bit, I have even tried just avoiding where he is altogether but it never works. We are all in a close group. We have all been friends since highschool and everyone would start to notice if things were different with us again. It would make things more complicated don't you think?

I mean I could do it again but just knowing how many times it has failed discourages me a lot. Sometimes I just with I could move away and escape all of this drama. I know it is impossible, but sometimes it feels like the only way out.

[lostmyway]

You guys are young and it sounds like he was not ready to settle down when you were dating in college. Although that is normal for a lot of people many good people don't handle it well or with the kind of honesty and fairness that ideally we all would.

 

If you still really love the guy you could give him a chance...but go slow make sure he is being honest with you and communicating the importaint stuff with you. Make sure he is ready to settle into a long term loving relationship at the expense of the "player" lifestyle. Neither life style is wrong, but one does have to choose. I've seen to many married people "play" when away...make sure you can trust him or it won't work. What do your joint friends think about your getting back together?

[Juliana]

I think you still have too much feeling for him; otherwise it wouldn't be a problem. So, lay your cards on the table. Tell him if you get closer to him, you will start to love him again, and you aren't willing to go down that road just to find the big "dead end" sign at the bottom. He can have casual aquaintance or monogamous lover; "bestfriend" isn't an option.

 

Get serious; he'll either come closer or head for the hills, and you'll have your answer -- and some peace of mind, I hope.

[shellie12345]

I know that I do still feel for him. It is not the same as it once was obviously, but I think it is something that will never go away. He was my first love, my first everything. He contributed to the person I have become and for that I will always feel he is special to me. Maybe you are right, maybe the fact that I will always love him and care for him is too much. Perhaps those feelings are too much to be able to call him a best friend. What if they make us closer friends? I have been wondering recently what would happen if I did give in and let him have this close friendship. I was thinking about what would happen if he started to seriously date a girl. Would I get shafted once again? Would she have a problem with our closeness? The same would go for me if I started to date someone....would this friendship be able to work through that situation? I don't know if it could. I don't know what he is expecting to happen. I need to talk to him about it....I bet he is not even thinking that far ahead. I can't help it though...I need to weigh everything out, I need to know if this is another load of BS that he is feeding me or if it might actually work.