Sex buddies....do they ever work?? <Mod>

[Batya33]

A question - how will you insure that you are safe from STDs? Will your buddy have to be monogamous? How will you know that he is? Will you make sure he has been celibate for at least 6 months before he is tested for STDs (the minimum time to make the test effecctive) and how will you know if he is telling you the truth (i.e. since you are not in a relationship - more motivation to be lie). Will you be ok with his stories of hitting on or noticing other women or about women he has been with in the past? Or will you establish rules about all these things? Will you date others at the same time and if so, would you tell them about your buddy if they ask if you are seeing anyone else?

 

Just curious if you've given thought to those aspects.

[sparkle1]

sparkle, so how did these situations work out for you? how did it start and how long has it been going on?

 

do you feel sexually satified without getting involved?

 

in your opinion, could this be a good thing for me/ do you consider it an enjoyable and good thing in your life?

 

thanks for your reply

 

OK -

 

The situations have worked out fine for me. I get what i want, usually when i need it, how i like it, with someone who i have amazing chemistry with but wouldn't want to date (not that there is anything wrong with them!!)

 

I done the sex buddy thing becoz i wasn't ready to get into another relationship...but i needed the physical aspect of having a man (vibrator only worked for so long!!)

 

1 Sex buddy i've had for 5 years. We stop obviously when we are with other people and resume when we break up. I don't really see him in between.

 

The other one is someone i met throu work who was also coming out of a relationship and needed comfort sex. So we got it together about 9 months ago.

 

Then there is the ex - which isn't a good thing most the time!! But the sex is amazing!!

 

These situations work amazingly well for me. I don't like having 1 night stands. Me and my sex buddies know one another well enough sexually to please one another. there is no other reason for us to met other then for sex.

 

Yes i always feel 100% satisfied - otherwise i wouldn't do it. They don't stay over, we don't drink tea or talk about work. We just have sex!

 

I can't possibly comment on whether this would be good for you personally as i don't know you. BUT from what you've said you're looking for the same things as i was....and its been good for me.

 

I consider it a great thing in my life. I care about my sex buddies lots, but i don't ever want to be with them or have a relationship with them. That is the only reason i don't get hurt. and indeed, the only reason i can let them leave without feeling rejected.

 

Pick carefully!! I could have lots more sex buddies if i wanted to - but these ones are my choice. And i love them for satisfying me on a weekly basis!!

 

I think you need to stop thinking about it too much. Lots of people have varying views on having sex without a relationship or feelings. Personally i don't. When i make love with or have sex with some one i love or like, i know its different.

 

X

[Batya33]

Sparkle - I am curious - would you feel comfortable telling the next man you are serious about that you have this in your past? What is your personal reaction (if any) to knowing that you could have your pick of sex buddies? For me, personally, it would be very close to a dealbreaker if a man I was interested in had the type of situation you do with your sex buddies, mostly because of the heightened risk of STDs.

[sparkle1]

Sparkle - I am curious - would you feel comfortable telling the next man you are serious about that you have this in your past? What is your personal reaction (if any) to knowing that you could have your pick of sex buddies? For me, personally, it would be very close to a dealbreaker if a man I was interested in had the type of situation you do with your sex buddies, mostly because of the heightened risk of STDs.

 

I would feel completely comfortable telling the next man in my life as i am not ashamed nor do i feel i would have justify anything. I would much rather tell my next boyfriend about this then to say i had 100 one night stands - frankly.

 

I don't have a reaction to being able to pick. I just pick the ones i know i won't get attached too and who are after the same thing as me. I wasn't saying that sentence as in "i'm stunning and can get who i want" what i was meaning to imply was don't just go for anyone. Think about who it is first.

 

Well my personal experience of men is that they aren't always 100% honest with the truth at the best of times, so i don't think you'd find out. But ask yourself: if you'd prefer him to have slept with me? or with 100 different girls?

 

What makes you think i don't use protection Batya?

[locolady]

thanks sparkle, i think it does sound like i am looking for the same things as you and its great to get an honest answer from someone who has been there to mix in with the more cautious of responses.

 

about stds and sleeping with other people.....ive seen first hand that love and commitment arent enough to stop people being unfaithful so theres never any certainty anyway.....using protection at all times, with all partners is as safe as its going to get.

 

yes, there is always a risk but even in long term relationships theres a risk - and probably more so because often you might not use condoms after a period of time if on the pill - then someone is unfaithful and hey presto youre not covered at all.

 

i think theres probably more reason to be honest with these casual relationships because there is nothing to lose? maybe, i dont know.

[sparkle1]

Locolady...

 

I always try to be honest, and sometimes i am probably a little too honest.

 

STD's should be thought about - but i have exactly the same opinion as you. You're never 100% covered...and as long as you are as careful as you possible can be...then go for it. (you sound very like me in your opinions - scarilly so!!)

 

 

It doesn't work for everyone....some people will get hurt and fall for there sex buddie...but you'll learn that you can't differentiate sex and feelings and you won't do it again.

 

In sex buddy relationships i've had, i've always been 110% honest. As you have nothing to lose. That goes for the sex too....

 

Be good - be careful...most of all be happy!!

 

XX

[Batya33]

There is always a risk but of course it depends how much of a risk you want to take. In my case, we waited 6 months of abstinence before being tested, I am 110% certain he is faithful (as am I) and I figured why not get re-tested this year (one year later) just in case his test wasn't accurate. I was fine.

 

In my opinion you can always make the excuse that "everything is a risk" but it depends on the extent of the risk - like driving a car on a slick road and driving a car on a slick road after a few drinks. It is proven that the higher your numbers as far as intimacy, the more of a risk of contracting stds. Also, I would think that there is less of a risk if you are in a loving, caring, exclusive relationship with a person who does not believe in having multiple partners, that that person would on average be less of a risk going forward than someone who is ok with casual s_x and multiple partners.

 

I am not judging whether the risk should be taken, just disagreeing that all risks are alike when it comes to being intimate and to have that mindset approaches self-delusion.

[Day_Walker]

A sex buddy will only last for a limited amount of time, there is no way to know how long it will last and as far as the rules are concerned there could be some issues there. Sex buddies works well if you are comfortable with the idea of having sex with no strings attached but people typically get feelings after having sex for a prolonged period of time. If you are going to have a sex buddy then its a little different because you dont want to have sex all the time with this person what you want to do is have sex when you need it, maybe once a week or something like that. If you were to have sex with them all the time then it would appear to be more of a relationship than just sex buddies.

[sparkle1]

Batya....

 

We always come to this!!

 

You're views are both very valid, and well thought out.

 

My approach to life and indeed to sex, are somewhat different to yours.

 

I would like nothing more then to have a loving faithful relationship with someone who'd not had many partners...of course i would!!! BUT - it doesn't as yet come true for me!

 

My choice is doing what i do.

 

I don't believe i am putting my self at risk - at all. I have test done on myself every 6 months. I don't treat my sexual health as something to take lightly or for granted. I would never recommend anyone having un protected sex....

 

BUT i believe you can take life too seriously. we are only here for a short amount of time and i believe in making the most of my life, and that, for me does involve sex. Risk is calculated. I calculate - and i respect my self enough to be careful.

 

I'm envious of your relationship Batya....but it is not something i can find at the moment.

 

Sparkle xx

[Batya33]

We each have different views of what risks and levels of risks are acceptable, that's fine. I have never desired s_x to any great degree outside of a loving, committed relationship so I have never needed to take the sort of risks you are taking. I too believe people can be "too careful" and "miss out" but we all decide what is worth missing out on or not. For example I have never tried illegal drugs and likely never will because to me it is not worth the risk. I take many social risks that others won't take such as public speaking, going to tough social events where I have to network, etc. I take very few physical risks.

 

I do not like to be judged on whether I play it "too safe" because that is a personal decision and one that has been hugely successful for me in all ways - emotional, financial and career (I didn't say you were judging me, just sharing).

 

As long as you are honest with yourself, your partners and future partners of course there's nothing right or wrong with what you are choosing to do.

 

No need to be envious of my relationship - it's all a matter of perspective. I often feel ashamed that I am 40 and never married (mostly because of my issues, not for lack of opportunity) with no kids and still have a "boyfriend" not a husband or even a fiancee (and that's all my fault, not his). So, it's a matter of perspective and how we perceive what we want and what others have.

[locolady]

yes i agree with both batya and sparkle here.....

 

batya....until recently i would have said exactly what you have done - that these sorts of risks are not worth taking, and that i havent desired sex outside of a loving relationship...however, that was easy to say when i was in a loving relationship! I considered myself very moralistic about sex whilst growing up but i didnt realise how easy it is to say sex should only be part of a loving relationship when you have one! i have only slept with 2 people - a boyfriend of 2 years and one of 4 years....this is not soemthing i have taken lightly.

 

However... my ex-boyfriend cheated on me after 4 years and i was the last to know...nice and humiliating. i have been tested and am fine. i would love to find someone i could love and be with in the way i was with him....but i cant go through the rest of my life alone and with no sex if i never find that again.....i have lost all my faith in finding that love, so self-denial of sex and physical intimacy could go on and on endlessly.

 

then again, i am perhaps much more inclined to be a risk taker....i experiment with drugs because i enjoy it, i like to push myself into new situations that scare me....maybe then this is something else i just want to try?!

[Batya33]

My feelings about s_x don't change based on whether I am in a relationship so that's a difference.

 

Sure, if you want to experiment and are willing to take the risks (that you might get attached emotionally, get pregnant, get an STD, find yourself having to explain to a future serious partner "why" you were into casual s_x, develop negative attitudes about men/s_x) because the benefit (the s_x) is worth it that is your personal choice.

 

If it were me I would not do it because your reasoning seems to come from a negative mindset (that you are not going to meet someone else who is special to you) and that mindset likely will negatively impact your casual experiences.

 

I am not moralistic about s_x by the way, I just have certain values about it for myself and adhere to them. I don't judge others except when their actions put others at a significant risk of harm.

[Deviant_Kate]

In my experience, once we were no longer locked away in my bedroom, things got really awkward. We haven't spoken to or seen each other since about a month after we slept together, more than three years ago, and before that we'd been friends since we were about 6 years old.

[FarandAway]

Loco,

 

I wanted to give you my 2cents on this. I am a 37 year old woman that was married for 8 years. After my split with my husband, I was dating a guy that was not only long distance (he lived very far away)but was always emotionally distant.

 

Because of this.. and shortly after, I ended up having a casual sex relationship with a friend that I had known for about 4 years. The sex relationship lasted for about a year and I recently ended it due to the fact that I am now in a commited relationship with a wonderful man.

 

It was something that we both agreed to at the time and we were both clear that it would never go any farther. We got along well when we were together and he always made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet. All things I needed at the time.

 

First of all, many women cannot separate sex and emotions. This is something I can do very well. I kept my emotions in check the entire time except for one weekend, I started to feel a bit more but I quickly put it "in check".... not easy to do but I can do it.

 

I don't think having a sex buddy is for everyone....most times, one party begins to have feelings for the other and that is where it gets complicated.

 

This person I was with is a semi-famous "rockstar" and I knew I wasn't the only person he was with and he was open about this. I found his energy addicting as well as being a completely fascinating individual.

 

I consider him an important person in my life and we are still friends.

 

If you think you can do it without getting feeling involved then do it, but if you have an INKLING that it might be more for you, then I would stay away. And as always, use protection if you decide to do it... but then again, you probably knew that.

[locolady]

batya, you raise a very good point....that this may be coming from a negative point of view.

 

in many ways i do feel that i invested so much in my ex, i adored him, wanted him, would have done anything for him and yet i was never enough for him....i couldnt even keep him faithful.

 

i guess maybe i would be deliberately putting myself in a postion where i knew from the outset i didnt mean anything beyond a friend and thereforeeee not allowing myself to get hurt. i dont know? i felt we had a great sex life, and yet he went elsewhere? maybe i am looking to learn something? find that there was something more i was missing? i really dont know!

 

part of me thinks i just need to sleep with someone else - after all this time all my sexual thoughts are of him...i feel that if this continues into another relationship i will find myself in a position where i close my eyes and dream that the new person is the old one??

 

maybe a little separation of sex and emotions could be a good thing here?

 

growing up love was all i wanted in my life.....one true love, one marriage that lasted forever was all i craved.....i realise now how unrealistic and worthless it is to pin all your hopes on this flimsy premise.....i dont think i will satisfy one man so clinging on to these beliefs is going to leave me with nothing! i just dont think my generation is going to have this....people cannot be trusted and it is just not worth investing your whole self, physically, mentally, spiritually in one person....because when they betray you, you'll have nothing left.

 

blimey, i realise im getting a bit deeper than intended here! i guess this just shows my issues are not resolved! but i genuinely feel they are not issues that can be solved - i have just seen the stark truth of adult life - seen beyond the veil and idealisation of love that i always bought into.....and now i think i should get my kicks where i can get them - instead of holding out for something that is a fraud.

 

this is the debate that rages in me!! again, all comments gratefully received - this thread is helping me think things through so much....thanks to all who are replying!

[Batya33]

If you believe that you will get your kicks out of casual s_x then go for it. I know I would not -- I've never tested it, I just know from my reaction to s_x generally and what I have felt like when I kissed or fooled around with someone casually. I was always glad it went no further and sometimes I felt badly at how far it did go. That works for me- but you need to figure things out on your own, of course.

[RayKay]

Well, I have to say I have seen the "stark truth of adult life too" - not just breakups of relationships, but also the death of one I thought I would be with, and you are right, it is not all roses and rainbows. Often things are not going to work as we plan or be as we hoped. Sometimes reality kicks us harshly in the teeth.

 

HOWEVER, that is NOT to say that there is not great love and commitment and respect out there, and many WONDERFUL men. However, if you expect anything less that is indeed what you will probably keep running into as when we make a decision to settle for less rather than wait for the best....well, we tend to find ourselves indeed settling.

 

And, this generation is not so different...people cheated and lied before too...we just did not have the internet to talk about it, or people tended to keep it behind closed doors.

[sparkle1]

the one thing you can be sure of on enotalone is conflicting opinions!

 

I think you're figuring yourself out. You have been badly hurt...and that is one of the reasons i have casual sex is because i can't get hurt by him.

 

Batya - you are correct. I am not judging you as you don't me.

 

I don't believe however, that having a stable and loving relationship helps with a career or wealth. Being confident in who you are, and what you believe in does.

 

I'm not trying to de value the meaning of sex. As i've said previously i wouldn't recommend casual sex without protection. I don't think there is much more risk to having casual sex with protection to having sex with a partner. I am with locolady - i was cheated on, so he'd put me more at risk - then what i believe i am doing currently.

 

Loco - don't rush into anything....work through your reasonings...

 

Sparkle xx

[locolady]

yes this forum is so great for the respecful way people share differing ideas....it really is helpful when theres things you want to sound off about and debate much more openly than you can with friends! my friends are fantastic but they have different agendas to wanting to see me happy and also often share too similar viewpoints to get this good a debate - so thanks!

 

i've been thinking some more and today have remembered how i felt when i found out my ex had cheated....i felt like an absolute *mod edit* i know that might sound strange but i felt i had given myself to him totally and completely...we had this great, amazingly open sex life, the stuff we got up to was so intimate, so private.....and yet that came to mean nothing.

 

Ultimately he betrayed me, showed absolutely no respect and physically desired and went through with being with someone else. i felt physically sick for months afterwards and suffered flashbacks of sexual moments between us that got mixed up in my mind with images of him with this other girl.

 

i guess i feel that i was stupid to invest so much in him, to believe that the intimacy between us was special....ultimately it turned out, i could have been any girl. until recently ive been completely numb in this department - its been over a year but ive had no desire at all. suddenly it has been re-awakened but in the sense of sex for pleasures sake rather than what i once had - that amazing relationship sex you are holding up as the ideal, is what i had....and yet it was a fraud, a lie. maybe sex needs to be something different to me, even just for a while? because at this rate i am going to waste the rest of my life on my cheating ex-boyfriend?

 

any thoughts?:

[quietgrl]

So you want revenge sex right now and that's why you want to become a sex buddies.Your ex man cheated on you and you don't want to be protrayed as a woman who does want sex with commitment.Well if that the truth(which it sound like it is) say it and move on. There is nothing wrong with people having sex with committment.The probelm is you and your ex-man is not committing to the belief of sex with commitment anymore.

[Batya33]

I'll repeat that I would not proceed as you plan to based on any type of negative mind set.

[locolady]

i dont really understand your post quietgirl but no, this is not about revenge sex (its been a lot longer than that) and i dont care how i am perceived by others. If i was to embark on something like this, my friends would be shocked and i'd very likely get the lectures ive delivered in the past thrown back at me!

 

i loved commitment sex, it was all i ever wanted....but it turned out to be a lie. i was the last to know, i was used and disrespected by the one person i had placed all my trust in.

 

i guess i dont even trust myself to judge someone anymore. if someone can use me like a piece of cr** after sharing what we did and saying he loved me....i dont know what is true and what is not.

 

yes, in a way i think this is about my ex not committing but how can i move past this?

[quietgrl]

localady,

 

The reason why you don't like my post is i'm making some good points.The best type of sex is committed sex.The only reason why people turn their back on sex with commitment because they stop commiting to it.You're a perfect example of what i am talking about in my post.Your man cheated on you and now you want revenge sex(sex buddies) snd your friend would be shock if you had sex without a comittment.

You're hurting and the only way to strike out is by having a sex buddy because if you wasn't hurting.A person whould say ok.I need to learn from my ex cheating and find me a man who's going to give me sex with commitment.

[annie24]

localady,

 

The reason why you don't like my post is i'm making some good points.The best type of sex is committed sex.

 

quietgrl, how can you compare different kinds of sex if you are a virgin? I understand what you are waiting for, but I'm saying, FWB sex isn't bad either.... depends on the individual and what they want....

 

to locolady - I understand that you are hurt and confused. i am sorry he cheated on you. I would recommend to take some time out from relationship, try to heal and come to terms with stuff. I think sex buddies can be good, but only if you are in the right state of mind. If you are really angry and vulnerable, that might not be the state of mind to go into the FWB situation.

 

Maybe take a time out from dating for a month or so, and then revisit if you really want a sex buddy after all.

[blender]

Having sex with out EMOTIONS for too long will lead to: you crying less and laughing less, and feeling less...

 

we are not animals, we are people, and making a choice to have "just sex" with a buddy, might be okay IF it's really all it is, just physical..Is that really all you want? Just physical???

 

can you really separate completely from your body..without feeling something in your heart? I know most of us are certainly capable of this in the "moment" out at a party, having a few drinks, hey he's better looking then I remember.. so I"ll fulfill this physical need and go for it....but what about afterwards??

 

do you feel fulfilled in your own mind and heart AFTER THE FACT?

 

If you can separate your heart from your body and mind..please think about the long term side effect this could have on your sense of self. If you make a choice to separate your personal heart and precious sense of self from your physical need, well then, expect others to do the same when it comes to respecting your heart, mind, soul...

 

if you choose to separate the two, then just know that is how you are defining yourself, (men do it all the time, no it's not fair, it's just the way it is, unfortunatley, but in the long run I don't think they feel so good either) It's that sense of YUK, let's just "do it" as friends and walk away, see ya next time... if that "fits" for your precious heart then go for it... but think it through first.

 

I think common sense and long term sense of self should be consider along with your "physical need" for right now.. hope you can come to a conclusion that works for you. Best, Blender