making real relationships with people who understand me

[Caterina]

I have a little problem. It might seem petty to you, but it bothers me. I have an online journal that I have invested a lot of time and energy into. It has a lot of personal thoughts that after many unveiling of layers still wouldn't be shown to the public. Not that I think that my thoughts are that significant, but there are certain ways that I want to portray myself/be percieved that if personal thoughts were read, would not be there. A friend of mine recently told me that a friend of hers has been talking about me. This friend is a good friend of mine...but she is even closer to the other friend. I don't think its right...I only found out b/c I coaxed it out of her. I am a very intuitional person...I can tell if someone dislikes me. I feel like I've made a lot of sacrifices to have friends. I have had to settle for a lot of friends who don't understand me because I haven't met anyone who shares my interests and are up to my level in those interests. To be rejected sort of hurts my pride, especially after you consider that I am settling in the first place.

Anyhow, my online journal has her friend added to it. I don't know why, but half of the people on my online journal aren't really friends and 25% of those are merely acquaintances. Whenever people added themselves to my list, I added them back because I didn't want them to feel rejected. I've had them on there for a while. There is a feature that can block them from reading, but sometimes I forget to turn it on. When I make a friends-only post, I have a certain set of people in mind. I like sympathetic, extremely sensitive, poetic people. I don't like people who trample over others in any way and I think most people are horribly overly desensitized because life is so hard.

By removing these people, I think there would be an unnecessary amount of problems because to them it would be a blatant action of rejection. So should I still do it? Maybe its petty, maybe it doesn't matter...

Do you think this is a bigger issue...maybe I am too caught up in what other people think about me.

Recently my grandmother passed away and I haven't really known how to handle it if only because no one has died in my family before. I have such a work-oriented routine driven life and haven't been able to meet any like-minded people. THe people at my work are nice enough, but they don't share my interests. I have one, single friend who shares my interests and mutually understands me and is still in my life. I had another one, a best friend, but she got married and that ended.

I am a lonely, deppressed person. Not suicidal- suicide is stupid to me, plus I like living even when life is horrible, plus I'm too cowardice to kill myself anyways. Mostly, my life right now is defined by apathy. I am sick of the constant demands and I am sick of the constant attacks. I want nothing more then an understanding ear. Which seems like such a joke.

[robowarrior]

First you need to realise that you are in a world that is filled with darkness and hatred, because of that you need to act like a castle gate, closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and opening yourself up to good people/things/events. It can be lonely, this because there aren't many people who aren't selfish, but for you link removed is a place where you can find fellow poets/artists hopefully you will find a lot of friends there.

[Caterina]

I don't know if I really like deviantart. There are a lot of sexual perversions expressed in a lot of their artist's work.

[Batya33]

I found your post hard to follow. I would say if you want to have an online journal you have to be willing to accept all the risks that go with having anything on the world wide web that is personal. I had many journals from age 4 to age 30 and they were all in writing on paper in books that I keep hidden in a closet. Whenever I have written anything personal after that time it has been on paper and hidden. When I write anything personal on the internet it is in an email to specific trusted friends, not posted on a public web site (and I realize you can keep things hidden but as you can see hidden has a whole different meaning on the internet).

[itsallgrand]

Well, I know the feeling Caterina, but I'm not sure how to deliver an easy solution for it.

 

One thing that jumped out at me though, was you saying how these friends of yours are like second-picks. So, basically what you are saying is that you don't think too highly of them.

Ain't any good and not very nice to keep friends like that. It's no favour. Don't want to give you a lecture, just thinking that 'uhh, no wonder?' Know what I mean? I'm sure they pick up on the vibes! That must not feel so great.

 

One thing is for sure, it does no good to give wide labels to people. Like, that everyone is selfish or that no one could could possibly understand you. There most likely is someone who can understand you right near by: you're just not seeing it. With the apathy, and feeling of being misunderstood and all. It's a sort of self furfilling prophecy.

 

People aren't perfect, we all are a little bit crazy and have our flaws. Even sensitive poetic people can hurt you or misunderstand sometimes.

And you know, there are people out there who wouldn't jump out at you as 'sensitive and poetic' but who do have a lot of the qualities that could bring a nice connection and a good friend.

I think decency and kindness go a long way, it wouldn't be that much fun to have all the same types of friends anyways.

 

By the way, I don't think what you have to say and what is troubling you is petty at all. It is important to you, so it matters.

 

You say your life is very work-orientated. So...what do you do with your spare time? Is there any way you could go meet new people, not on computer or through a site? The difficult part is changing, it does take some work, it doesn't just come to us.

 

good luck. p.s. How is your family in supporting you and helping you through with your grandma's death?

[Caterina]

You're right. Upon reflection, I think was being a bit rash. I do respect my friends and they aren't second picks. I also do think very highly of them. I said it because I was hurt. Its true that they don't share my interests to the depth & intimacy that I'd like in a friend, but we also have a lot of other things in common. I felt hurt because someone I valued, values someone who says not-so-nice things about me.

When it comes to the journals...I'll just have to be more organized. I have personal journals that I keep in a box and I also have my online journal. I think that I was trying to make a remedy-action for how I felt about someone who doesn't even like me being a part of the list of people who get to read thoughts that are very personal and close to who I really am.

Now, when it comes to people understanding me, I would differ with you itallgrand. I know that there are people who will understand me, and my friends understand me more then most. But there are people out there who truly understand me on a deeper level and those people are beyond difficult to find. THe only reason I know they exist is because I had it once with my best friend. We had a relationship of complete mutual respect.

You're right that sensitive people can act insensitively sometimes. Also, I've been told that I make wayy too many sweeping generalizations before. I do that a lot, and I really need to watch myself before doing that.

I don't have much spare time, but I try to hang out with friends on those days. This weekend I sort of stayed in my room deppressed. My friends invited me to a coffee place where they showed a movie about Darfur. I didn't really need to see a movie like that considering what I'm going through. I was conflicted, that night, because I felt like I was being selfish for wishing that they didn't invite me and for them politically pressuring me to care about the situation over there. In a way it is selfish and we do need to be aware...anyways I am hugely digressing. Overall, I am just dissatisfied with my social life. I'm very lonely and deppressed- I don't know how to meet new people who understand me.

[Haven]

Maybe you should have gone to see the movie on Darfur. It may have put your situation into perspective for you. I mean, sometimes you just have to step back and look at things. If this was your last day on Earth, would you really care about who was reading your online journal? And at least you have friends. Think of all the people out there who don't have any friends at all.

 

The solution seems pretty simple. Either start rejecting people who you don't really want to read your private posts, or start changing what you post to your journal.

 

As for meeting people, sometimes it's possible to meet other people through your friends. This may be difficult if you only hang out with a certain group of people.. but I've introduced some of my friends to each other, who later became good friends. And I've been introduced to new people through my friends. Etc.

[Caterina]

I did go see the movie. Sometimes looking at the greater painful things elsewhere does not eliminate personal pain. The solution is not simple, I'm lonely and deppressed and its not like there is an immediate cure for it out there. I've met a few people through my friends but I don't have very many friends as is.

[Haven]

I did go see the movie. Sometimes looking at the greater painful things elsewhere does not eliminate personal pain. The solution is not simple, I'm lonely and deppressed and its not like there is an immediate cure for it out there. I've met a few people through my friends but I don't have very many friends as is.

By perspective I mean, there are millions of people out there who don't even know what a computer is. There are people who are suffering and living in terrible conditions. They just want to stay alive - I doubt they care about finding people to 'connect' with. Like, maybe the fact that you're alive should be enough.

 

I meant the solution for your Livejournal problem was simple. I understand that the loneliness and depression problems aren't simple. I mean, I should know. I spend 95% of my time alone. I have literally 2 friends here that I ever hang out with. (Most of the friends that I mentioned in my post are no longer my friends.) So, anyway, I was just trying to point out that your situation doesn't seem to be that bad, when you put it into perspective.

 

It's not the knowledge of greater pain elsewhere that eliminates personal pain. It's the knowledge that your personal pain is virtually nothing compared to that greater pain. I mean, I literally cried for an hour straight last week just because I was that lonely. Like, I literally felt emotional pain.. so I know what you mean by that. But then I thought, what am I doing? I'm crying because I'm alone? I mean, I'm alive. I'll find someone eventually. The people out there getting killed -- they'll never find anyone.

 

Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling.. I don't feel like I'm communicating this perspective thing really effectively. Just.. good luck with everything.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's always possible, realistic, or even helpful to snap out of feeling sad by considering the "greater pain." If I stub my toe, at that moment my toe's pain is wayyy more important to me than the pain of the children I read to at a homeless shelter. I have to let myself feel the pain and then I can move on and return to being more "balanced" in perspective on my feelings v. other feelings. T

 

o rationalize that others suffer more as an answer to every single time you feel depressed or lonely might in the long run just result in your suppressing your emotions or feeling guilty constantly any time you are not content with what you have. Or, it may make you frutstrated with friends who complain about what you think is "nothing" compared to the greater pain, and our friends need our empathy whether there is a life and death matter or their boss just yelled at them.

 

Obviously none of us needs to be in a pity party all the time but feeling unentitled to feel sad because of others' suffering doesn't make a whole lot of sense either. What I think works better is to interact with all types of people, continue to develop empathy and good listening skills and then perhaps naturally, instinctively you will feel more content with what you have when you have a larger perspective of what makes people sad or suffer.

[turqoise]

You`ve mentioned feeling depressed and lonely a couple of times...

Do you know that that`s a medical (not only pschycological) condition? If you`re feeling lethargic and unenthusiastic about anything, then maybe go see a doctor or a naturopath.

 

Because you`re dealing with feelings, you may be inclined to try to deal with them through talking, but this may be almost impossible if your brain is lacking the nutrients of a balanced person and you will just be swept back in that whirlpool of depressing thoughts!

[Caterina]

You`ve mentioned feeling depressed and lonely a couple of times...

Do you know that that`s a medical (not only pschycological) condition? If you`re feeling lethargic and unenthusiastic about anything, then maybe go see a doctor or a naturopath.

 

Because you`re dealing with feelings, you may be inclined to try to deal with them through talking, but this may be almost impossible if your brain is lacking the nutrients of a balanced person and you will just be swept back in that whirlpool of depressing thoughts!

What do you mean lacking the nutrients of a balanced person? How much does it cost to see someone like that?

[turqoise]

Well, this is what I`ve learned about it from doing a ton of research. Some doctors won`t even know all the ways of treatment because depression has only been recognised the last 40 yrs.

 

Anyway, basically, when you have depression your brain gets into stress mode really easily, and stays stressed longer than usual. This stressed state means that you have more `panic`chemicals making your brain work, and `happy` chemicals get used up quickly(excuse the simplified description). It`s when your brain keeps running out of happy chemicals that you enter the state of depression. (There are different kinds of depression, but you might be just always feeling sad, lonely, even hopeless. Other characteristics can be lethargic, not being able to do simple tasks, not sleeping or eating like usual, indecisiveness, poor memory and concentration. )

 

If you`ve been like this more than 2 weeks, it`s likely you have depression. If you leave it untreated, the area of the brain responsible for producing the happy chemicals actually begins to shrink, making it even harder to just become happy by just willing it (though it can be restored through treatment).

 

The supplement treatment that I`m on, was given by a naturotherapist (or naturopath, I think they`re sometimes called). It helped me more in 1 week than what counselling did for me in 4 months. I went to a student naturopath, at a college near where I live for about 20 dollars NZ. That`s 10 dollars US. But if you went to a practising one, it would probably cost 2 or three times more. They are like doctors, except they give you natural supplements, herbs, diets, massages or methods, with the idea that conditions can`t just be a quick fix, but need to be fixed wholistically. She saw me for an hour and a half listening to my story as well as checking me physically, then gave me the prescription, along with heaps of other things I could do to help myself get better. 6 weeks later I am so much better, everyone around me is amazed at how i`m becoming my old self again.

 

The more conventional option is the doctor, who can prescribe antidepressants. Be careful though, as they can have side effects, and can be addictive, plus take about 3 weeks before kicking in. After reading a ton of accounts of people taking these, I decided that supplements won hands down.

[Caterina]

Interesting...thanks for the information.

[turqoise]

No prob. Anytime.