What Happen Today

[William55]

Hey Folks,

 

Need some feedback on my actions today.

Today I met my nine year old daughter at school to give her her backpack. She's been in Mass. with her mother and (her mothers boyfriend)...she let it slip.

I've posted before explaining my situation; wife filed for divorce in August and moved in with her boyfriend taking my daughter with her. I do get her for several nights out of the week and for that I am grateful.

Anyway I've struggled with the fact that my wife and him and (his two daughters) are together as a family, her sleeping with him and all this in front of my daughter before our divorce is even final. But I'm resigned that, there's not much I can do about it and it will be an inevidable arrangement once the divorce is final.

Anyway, I am digressing but I am trying to set the stage. For the past three months I have begged, groveled, pleaded, bargined etc. Wish I had found this forum three months ago, but even then, I was half out of my mind and probably would have ignored the NC rule.

Last week it finally sunk in what she has done and I have replaced a good part of my sadness with a (controlled) anger and a resolution to move on and excel as much as possible with my life. No contact is my matra.

To the point, and I hope I haven't lost you.

This afternoon the soon to be X emailed me stating that we have been ordered to mediation to sort out custody. She stated how it hurt her that our daughter seemed like a piece of property. Obviviously it does not hurt enough to acknowledge that she initiated this. Anyway I didn't think this deserved a reply.

Later she called to say our daughter got a paper cut accross her eye (she's okay) and she revisited the mediation. She stated that we should talk about this before mediation so that we could cut thru the chase.

This is when I took the position to tell her that I did not feel a pre-talk was necessary. I told her from this point on it was business. I told her that I could not negotiate with her from a position of trust and that we will either come to terms or not. I told her that she has betrayed me and lied to me (for years) and that I am not her friend nor is she mine. This is a some what sanitized version of our conversation. I ended it rather abruptely.

She subsequently e-mailed me stating that I am still cold, insensative, and I will never change.

Am I? Is my new found independence no more than childish bitterness fostered to re-establish lost pride?

I don't trust my feelings or actions anymore. Please provide some feedback.

[Scout]

Ah, friend...who can say if you're right or wrong. You're hurting. You're doing the best you can right now. It's going to be a struggle for a while before you reach a place where you feel some control of - and clarity on - your emotions.

 

I know this is going to sound really trite. But please give it some real thought. Right now, your emotions are a tightly wound ball of energy that, if not expressed somehow, are going to come out in the worst possible ways. Take that energy and transform it into something physically active every day. Run. Swim at the rec center. Work out at the gym. Vacuum your house. Or mow a lawn.

 

Seriously. It really helps to level out those emotions and feelings you're so wary of right now.

[Beec]

I cannot comment on what she said about how you were before she left.

 

However, if she moved out of your home and immediately in with another man, with nothing in between, then it is pretty clear that she was cheating before she left. And then you are right, she ceahted on you, betrayed you and is not and has not been your friend, nor anyone who loved you since she began cheating. End of story. No one can blame you or should blame you for how you feel.

 

As to how you are dealing with it, she's got some chutzpa to criticize you in the manner. She is a betrayer and cheater.

[Scout]

As to how you are dealing with it, she's got some chutzpa to criticize you in the manner.

 

Sadly, I've found people who betray us often try to turn the tables to somehow blame us for their actions. Don't give in to her tactics here, William...it will mess with your head, plus it will help her feel like she's off the hook for what she's done. Uh-uh. She doesn't get to have that!

[Beec]

Sadly, I've found people who betray us often try to turn the tables to somehow blame us for their actions. Don't give in to her tactics here, William...it will mess with your head, plus it will help her feel like she's off the hook for what she's done. Uh-uh. She doesn't get to have that!

 

Very true.

 

William, please take these words to heart.

[William55]

Scout,

 

I am exercising. I've lost about 20lbs down to 180 and toning up. Don't get me wrong Scout, but I am in survival mode and trying to make myself as attractive as possible. Just to let you know, I have always maintained a healthy dose of humility. On the downside I'm fifty one, I have hardly had a good nights sleep in 3 months, I look haggard if not defeated in body language.

She hurt me Scout and I compounded that hurt by begging for her back only to hear words like "I feel like I'm cheating on him just talking to you".

Yea Scout, it's been a huge blow to my ego.

Listen, I'm a prison gang investigator, I worked in the copper mines, I was even in Iraq as a Corrections Contractor for six months. I always thought of myself as a mans man. This girl took my identity and reduced me to a blubbering mommas boy.

This probably sounds like a typical response from a knuckle dragging gorilla who stubbed his toe on a bananna tree but I'm not that tough.

The only solution to my sanity and prospect of recovery is to regard her as a rival to my aspirations. She was an imposter that invaded my castle only to pull down the drawbridge and let the demons in. Okay, a little melodramatic.

Anyway Scout, I think that I could have been a bit more diplomatic but I took the first chance to unload on her and I did.

I do plan to take a position of quite defiance and remain there forever. I'm not talking about all consuming hate. I do not hate anybody.

It may be disingenious to go from groveling to defiance but if I am consistant than it will become genuine. This is my new found coping mechanism. My Paris peace talks.

To put it bluntly Scout, my attitude may not represent maturity, diplomacy,

or even fairness. If I can negotiate from a position of strength as opposed to a defeated spirit then I will chock it up to the falibility of a broken heart.

[annie24]

hey - wow - I am sorry for what you are going though. yeah, I must agree with beec, she has some nerve trying to make it out that you are the one who is not trusting and open with her, if she is the one who left you for another man! blah.

 

I think you are right - no need to go to "pre-mediation" - that sounds like going to "pre-therapy." I would, however, maybe talk to a therapist or a trusted friend or acquaintance, and get your points very clear in your head before you arrive at mediation as to what you want and what you feel you are entitled to.

 

I am sorry things worked out this way for you. hang in there. you sound like a very strong man, I know you will make it through really well, even if the upcoming months are difficult. you will be ok in the end.

[Scout]

This probably sounds like a typical response from a knuckle dragging gorilla who stubbed his toe on a bananna tree but I'm not that tough.

 

Well...she didn't take your sense of humor, that's for sure! Thanks for this line...it gave me a good chuckle.

 

As for groveling to get her back...I understand that hurts in retrospect to think about. But who wouldn't plead with the woman/man they love to return? And yes, even if they cheated! Look all around you on eNotalone...you're looking at folks who can relate to what you're going through. It doesn't make you a sap, a wussie, a chump...it was an understandable reaction that I am positive most of us would have had.

 

I'm just sorry you're going through this pain. It does get better, but I realize that time probably seems a bit far off to you right now.

[William55]

Well Scout,

At the end of the day, I put away the armour and try to rest. Tomorrow there will be dragons to slay and demons to parlay.

I miss the minds occupation on more constructive matters. I am weary of trying to find a loose string, a forgotten covenent, a sign to guide me out of the Black Forest. Maybe it is the weariness of it all that dulls the pain after all is said and done.

[W1nter]

Hey William,

 

You're in a similar position to me, you know that.. I know the woman I thought I was in love with changed. It seemed to me, overnight, and she became a cold creature who was pretty much unrecognizable to me.

 

All I know about you aside from your situation is that on here, you've helped a lot of people with your words of encouragement. Those aren't the actions of a cold man or someone who doesn't care. HER actions are, and she can't expect you to treat you like you still love her or are even friends with her. Treat her like someone you're doing some unpleasant business with, because that's exactly what it is and all she deserves. She is /definitely/ no better than you, so don't take her words to heart - they're only meant to hurt you. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

[Juliana]

"This afternoon the soon to be X emailed me stating that we have been ordered to mediation to sort out custody. She stated how it hurt her that our daughter seemed like a piece of property. Obviviously it does not hurt enough to acknowledge that she initiated this. Anyway I didn't think this deserved a reply."

 

You were ordered to mediation, by a judge, and you refused to go?

 

I'm hoping that that isn't right.

 

Because if the court ordered you to mediation and you refused to go, prepare to get nailed with unfair custody and support arrangements -- you will be seen as uncooperative, and thereforeeee, your point of view will be discounted. They are not interested in punishing her for adultery, and they are not going to favour your position simply because you are the wronged party.

 

You may have all the hard feelings in the world for this woman. Be my guest. But do not attempt to work those feelings out through the court. Your anger will play right into your wife's hands as she explains to the court that you are so insensitive and vengeful, you would not even attempt mediation for your daughter's sake.

[Beec]

I don't think you read that correctly. I think he refused to talk about it before the mediation.

[Juliana]

That's what I'm hoping too.

[Oldboy]

William55, I think you know that the first rule of negotiating is to approach the negotiations in a calm manner. Second; have a fixed idea on what you are there for.

You have every right to be angry at the way you have been treated. Dare I say you have every right to vent that anger at the person who has slighted you.

No matter how you treated her during your relationship; if you treated her like a queen, a cheat will always pull something out of thin air to justify their actions.

Okay so she says you are cold, insensitive and the rest… what? For declaring that you can’t talk to her from a position of trust?

Find someone to talk to. To give you an outside view of what’s going on here. Get a trusted friend to grab hold of you when you get angry.

The anger will be there for as long as you allow it to exist. Try to be stable. Get your emotions on an even keel. They will always be bubbling under the surface but know that you need to control them and vent some other way now.

She knows how you feel; you’ve told her. Get on with the mediating. Detach yourself emotionally from the talks. You can remind her of how she has made you feel at a later date… if you still feel so inclined then

[William55]

Let me clear something up guys. I didn't refuse to go to the court directed mediation. I have every intent to go.

What I did, was refuse to agree to a pre-mediation arranged by her so that we could somehow come to terms on scheduling prior to mediation. On the surface that may seem like an unprovoked (knee jerk) response. However, I reacted to what I perceived as a shallow and contrived e-mail from her prior to that conversation in which she stated how our daughter seem like a piece of property and it hurt her. Damn...she initiated this.

Knowing my wife, she was buttering me up for the kill.

She knows, or think she knows that she has the emotional advantage because of my desparate and heartbroken condition. Shamelessly laid at her feet for the past two months.

Since coming on this forum I have come to regard the "No Contact Rule" as a simplistic but absolute discipline for recovery. I think I demonstrated that to her, albeit a little heavy handed. Not to graceful... but the sabers rattled and I guess I drew a line in the sand. Take a position of independence and do not waiver. Does wonders for the ego and there really isn't an alternative.

That said, with more careful thought I believe I could have voiced my position with more tact. I will refine my No Contact discipline as time goes on.

[annie24]

yeah.... pre-mediation sounds really sketchy. I agree with you. I wouldn't have attended that either. it does sound like she was hoping to butter you up then..... blah. a lot of nerve from the woman who initiated the divorce!

 

out of curiosity... what happened that made things go downhill? were you always away on business trips and she got lonely? did you have any signs when you first met her that she was the straying type?

[kuhaaica]

Yes i think you do what you need, no excuses....

Do what you can to survive, i cant wait to get out of the begging, hes the greatest thing stage if i ever will, I have a wrongly huge amount of forgiveness for people, so i have difficulty staying mad even though they may be bad at something i did.

ITs difficult...

 

Do what you have to do to save your self dont wuestion it, you owe her nothing.