NC from a Dumper's perspective.

[xLDx]

EDIT: **This should probably go into the break-ups section, but I wasn't paying attention**

 

Before I start, and if you wish to know my story, it's here

 

Now, here's where I'm at. I am the one who ended the relationship, yet I'm the one who initiated NC. Not the other way around. Since the relationship has been over (only 2 days), I've been getting on surprisingly okay. I only broke down once, and that's because I listened to a depressing song. But my tears only lasted minutes. Now, I had prepared myself to go NC because I want to get over her. I want to heal. What I wasn't prepared for was when tonight she messaged me over MSN.

 

Well... I wasn't really phased by it. I mean, I miss her, but I wasn't depressed about it. I was talking to her with a clear mind, and I still know my decision was the right one, and I'm prepared to move on.

 

What worried me was the state of her. She said after we broke up she went to a friend's and cried for hours. Last night she drank until she puked - which is a first, in general - and she slept until 5pm today. She admitted that she still misses me a great amount. I still told her I missed her too, but I told her that it's the best we live our own lives for a while, to let us both heal. We talked more about it, and she said that she'll do it because she knows that it's what I want and it'll make me happy. When she said that I realized something:

 

I realized that by going NC, I'm helping her more than I'm helping me. She still wants contact with me. She's missing me to the point where she almost can't stand it. She still calls me "honey" and "babe". She knows our break-up was the right thing to do, but I think she's having a lot of trouble letting it go. She left the conversation in a clearly upset mood, and where we're at we're not in any place to be talking again soon.

 

I feel badly. I feel like I'm being cold by doing this. I know it's the right thing to do, but I haven't read much about the guilt dumper initiated NC's go through. She wants to be friends, and I said we probably will be, but when we're both comfortable with the fact that we'll only be just that. And I know I'm not at that point there, and I know even better that she isn't.

 

I have this urge to just talk to her and say that it's not meant to hurt her or that I don't care, but I can't because I'd be breaking NC, and I'd just be making myself feel worse. I just didn't think NC would make me feel guilt if anything.

 

Will she be bitter at me about this forever? I don't know. I hope not, because that's not my intention. I still love her, and I can't stand disappointing her, even if we are broken up. I won't talk to her about it. I won't talk to her for a long time. It's just crappy that this is the last note we play for the time being.

 

I hope she realizes one day where I'm coming from...

[Ellie2006]

Hey xLDx,

I fully understand where you're coming from.

Like you, I was in a LDR.

Like you, I initiated the breakup for multiple reasons:

 

a) He really found LDR difficult

b) He increasingly became unsure of us surviving the LD

c) I felt extremely guilty for holding him back from fully experiencing life

d) His seemingly lack of investment in trying to make the LDR work

e) etc etc

 

Like you, I asked for the NC.

 

It's been a little over two months.

First I was in shock, then I thought I was okay, then I was depressed.

Talk about being on an emotional rollercoaster!

 

I guess it differs from individual to individual but just to give you my two cents worth ...

 

Expect that you will experience a wide range of emotions ..

 

You may feel guilty.

You may feel justified.

You may continue to second guess yourself

 

and ...

 

You will miss her.

 

I am sure I am telling you all the things you already know.

 

All I ask you to consider is not to beat yourself up too much.

And to take care of yourself (Eat, get out, sleep, exercise, hang out w/ friends, ...)

 

I was a complete mess after the break-up.

I dove into work and worked like a maniac.

Yes, I got a lot of work done but I was a complete wreck, emotionally and physically, afterwards ...

 

And bc I put off dealing w. all my emotions, I'm still having to deal w. the post break-up blues, two months after it happened!

 

Yes, it sucks we had to break up bc of a little thing called *distance*

Yes it sucks we had to break up even though we still love them

 

BUT please don't forget that sometimes we have to do certain things for ourselves ... call it self-preservation, if you will ...

 

Re: being friends: do so ONLY when you're ready to really be *friends* w/o any ulterior motives

 

My ex wanted to be friends. I said no because I knew I couldn't handle it then to hear from him ... to hear how he's moving on and is fine while I can't seem to keep myself from bursting into tears every 3 seconds!

 

Now, I feel more ready.

I am even considering breaking NC!

Haha ... well maybe not now ... but maybe in a couple more weeks ...

 

Listen, hang in there, okay?

And please let me know if I can help you in any way?

And do post here ... people wiser than I will surely give you a lot of great advice!

 

Best wishes to you and don't forget to take care of yourself first!!!

[xLDx]

First of all Ellie, I want to thank YOU. You've really taken a lot of initiative with my troubles, and of all of the advice I've received I cherish yours the most.

 

My issue is this. Is NC right when I'm having less trouble than her dealing with the relationship?

 

See, she's the one who's stuck in the slump now. I'm ready to move on, but I think she wants to keep talking. Isn't dealing with NC supposed to be for the person who's been hit the hardest by the break-up to initiate? I feel so cold by saying "Yeah, I'm getting through this easier than you are, but I still don't want to talk to you."

 

Is she just in denial of what she wants? Maybe she's just trying to hold on to me? I don't know. If she's the one to initiate the negative thoughts about the relationship, why is she so hurt by this? She wants us to talk as we are now, yet I want to continue NC because I don't think it will do any good to keep holding on. Yet now I think I want to continue NC for her sake. Because I think she just can't accept that keeping each other out of each other's lives in beneficial.I don't want to depress her more though... If she drank herself silly last night, I don't know what she'll do now that she knows I have no interest in being part of her life for the time being.

 

I'm worried about her. I'm worried about the bitterness this might make her have towards me, and the regret and self-disrespect she may have towards herself by initially causing the main reasons for the break-up.

 

I don't want this girl to suffer, so Im struggling if whether NC is better for her or not. I still care about her, and I can't live with putting her through torment. I want her to be okay.

 

I want to continue NC, but it just makes me scared.

 

I explained my situation to her best friend. To keep what I've said to him to himself, just so he knows. But I told him to tell her that if she brings up the fact that we're NC, that's it's not because I don't care, it's because we both need to heal.

 

I can survive NC... But can she?

 

Should I even care what she thinks right now? But I just can't help it. At this point I want to help her, and despite what I think, I think NC is that route. I'm just afraid that she's going to hate me for it, or worse, hate herself.

[Ellie2006]

Hey xLDx,

 

I thank YOU for your kind words and I am glad to be of help.

 

Re: breaking NC for HER sake (rather than yours):

from my perspective (and others may disagree), it depends on the following:

 

will YOU be okay that being her friend won't guarantee that you guys will get back together?

 

will YOU be okay if she uses as a *crutch*, so to speak, to get over the break-up, and move on to someone else?

 

If your answer is yes to both accounts, only then, be there for her.

 

BUT may I ask you this? What was your reason for asking for NC in the first place? Wasn't it for YOU to heal? Even though you are dealing w/ the breakup better than she is, are you willing to sacrifice your healing process to help her with hers?

 

I asked for NC bc I knew that if I heard from him, my resolve would totally crumble (haha I am weak )and I would ask him to try again, even though I *knew* it would hurt me more in the end. So to keep myself away from that temptation, I asked for NC.

 

To be honest, I don't see how you can benefit from talking to her about how badly she's dealing with the breakup ...

 

Yes, you love her and by being there for her now, you won't feel like you abandoned her when she's hurting. Yes, when she seems to be suffering, your knee-jerk reaction is to ease her from her pain. Yes, it's VERY admirable and extremely selfless of you that you want to be there for her in her time of need.

 

BUT are you sure that this constant contact w/ her won't ultimately bring you down as well?

Won't it make you more guilty to keep hearing about her slump?

Won't hearing about her maladjustment (or conversely, hearing about how well she's moved on from the break-up) only prompt you to second guess your decision about the break-up?

ARe you willing to exchange your peace of mind for hers?

 

Just my two cents worth, but if you truly believe that you are ready to move on and that you do recognize that holding on to each other will not do any good for either of you, then, as hard as it is, I think you should stay strong with NC.

 

Of course, since we still care about the other person, our gut instinct is to want to help them and be there for them when we know that they are hurting.

 

And of course, the thought of them growing to resent us is very disheartening.

 

BUT unless you want to give your relationship another chance, NC seems to be best ... Would you agree that the ONLY way right now to get her out of her slump may be to get back together again?? If getting back together is *not* an option for you, then NC seems to be best -- not only for you but also for her, bc probably, maintaining contact with you now may give her false (?) hope of you changing your mind about the breakup.

 

Best wishes to you and hang in there!

[violingirl]

You are not helping her by choosing to do dumper-initiated NC. The truth is that you are only helping yourself by being able to avoid the consequences of your choice to abandon her. It's the cruelest thing you can do to someone you supposedly care about. It's like kicking someone when they are already down.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but my ex (who, yes, dumped me) enforced NC on me and it was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. It just reinforced how abandoned I felt by him and made me feel worthless. I felt like I was being punished again even though I had done nothing wrong. I also became depressed and had to go into therapy. Things are better now, but it's been over a year and a half since the breakup, and I know that I'll never be able to trust anyone ever again.

[peterrabbit]

To be honest, I don't think that there is anything that you could do that would make this easier for her. A broken relationship is always painful.

 

If you just did NC, she would think you didn't care about her. Yes, that would help her get over things faster, but it will not help any potential friendship you may be able develop after she gets over you. The fact is that if you do this, you can forget about any kind of friendship. Who would want to be friends with somebody who abandoned you when you were so hurt?

 

I think you should not ignore her. But equally, you should not encourage her. Always be very firm that you just want to be friends and you do not like her 'in that way' any more. It will be a bitter pill for her to swallow. She may rant, rave and scream at you and say things that get under your skin and which you think are unfair. But you should know that she is hurting when she does that. Don't react to her. Just understand her pain.

 

She may accuse you of many things, including not caring. But because you were there to listen to her rant and rave, when she gets over things and is not so emotional over the situation any more, she will acknowledge that you did care enough to listen to her and to be there for her as a friend. If you keep reiterating that you just want to be friends and you don't like her any more in a romantic sense, it will begin to sink in. She will not call you as often, she may even avoid your calls (and i think you should still call her to find out if she's okay and if her life is good). But even though she avoids your calls in order to heal, your calling or emailing in a strictly platonic sense will resonate with her, and when she is over it, she'll appreciate the fact that despite everything, you still cared for her unconditionally. And that's the best grounds for starting a friendship afresh.

 

It's not an easy thing to do. A lot of people would just give up and start ignoring her. It's easy to ignore someone else's pain. But the responsible thing to do is address the pain which breaking up has caused her and try to help her through that pain.

 

I've done that with a lot of my exes. First they cry, scream, shout, yell, rave etc. After a while they stop calling and when you call them to find out how they are, they avoid you like the plague. But if you are patient, and think about how much you care for them as a person and continue to show you care for them (through emailing, SMSing or calling sporadically to find out how they are doing or just to say hey, hope you're doing well), they will eventually come around. i'm really good friends with my exes now. They have been there for me even through other breakups and other travails of life, and i have been there for them through their own. It's great, and i don't regret for a moment the effort it took.

 

Hope this helps.

[anna_k]

I think it's hard either way. You can't really win.

 

When I initiated the break-up, I found that I could be resented for being friendly. As if it was fake. After all, if I was so friendly about it all, why did I end it? I felt relieved that I wasn't trapped in the relationship anymore and almost looked on him like he was a little bit pathetic for still wanting to make it work. I felt awful in hindsight, have apologised and we're really good friends now. But it took a long time. Not a solution by any means but I think if you tell her that you are not abadoning her and discuss why you're breaking up (I don't want to say 'convince' but make her aware that things weren't all peachy) right at the start....then go into NC, its not so bad. You've just got to get everything out before you start NC, otherwise the other person will always have questions (and that is what keeps a person hanging on. The 'What did he mean by...' and 'What if he knew I didn't...')

 

In the next relationship, the guy initiated the break-up. He wanted to be friends. He had moved on swiftly so he had the luxury of detachment and a new cause. I couldn't quite deal with the friendliness. It did feel rather like betrayal. He thought NC was an immature and stupid idea but after a while, we both agreed that it really is the best thing because it wasn't a very clean break. Its even harder to stick to NC when the person who broke up with you confesses to still having feelings for you. Every time you get a 'I miss you' is like a stab of the heart. I'm still going through this one. NC is best for us but there's admission from both that sometimes you just can't stick to it. It's a pretty hard thing to do unless there's mutual hatred or complete apathy!

[Brooke657]

I'm really not into this NC thing first of all. Second I think you are being cold. You can't say you still love her and then say you want NC with her. When your 18 11 months is a long time. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years, like reallly recently, and I have no plans of not talking to him and neither does he. If he had done that to me I would have been really upset. I think it's kind of unfair to her to just decide NC right away. You can't say it's good for her and not for you. You initiated it, don't complain. I bet if you asked her she'd disagree. Maybe she's having less trouble dealing with this because she's over it and your the one that's dwelling on this. I'm sorry but I just really don't feel sorry for you in this at all...

[LBP]

I must be honest, I find your actions a little horrifiyng and quite fascinating.

 

I was somewhat recently dumped by my girl. She didn't at first do this, but after a time of me feeling depressed she finally cut me loose from contact (without much warning) and when I kept trying to be friends she eventually had her dad send me a threatening email.

 

I never did anything other than try and be friends... I only ever got mad at her twice, once when she ignored me without saying why for a week or so and then another time when I was incredibly drunk (I don't really remember this incident) after she forgot to call me on my bday after promising to (her call came several days later, when I didn't expect it)... I never raged incoherently, though I did tell her honestly that I was feeling miserable when she asked.

 

Mostly I'm wondering why you did what you did and why you seem so determinedly distanct about it all. Mostly I'm looking for insight, because I could never understand willfully hurting someone that I loved - the saying 'I'm doing this because I don't want to hurt you' and then hurting someone strikes me as contradictory.

 

The question is an open one to whomever reads it. Why the NC, why the self-superiority and confidence in the fact that your choice is the best one, bar none? Why the refusal to take responsibility for your actions or make an effort to work through your troubles? I'm not doubting that you've done right... I'm simply curious.

[sweetharmony]

i haven't read all of the replies, but i think NC is the best route, esp. if she is the one hurting the most. I think if you contact her and you attempt to be friends so early, it may confuse her. she may have wishful thinking of both ofd you getting back together-i'm not saying this is a fact, but it happened to me. I was hurting, and my ex and i stayed friends. because there was always a physical and emotional connection, i always "thought" we might eventually get back.

 

Right now, i just broke up with a recent ex. He told me I was not The One. I ended it, but I am in pain and so is he. i initiated NC, not to get him bac, but to really move on. (esp. after learning from the past mistakes).

 

NC helps both parties heal faster.

 

now, i finally realize (for myself) it's a breakup b/c it;s broken. I can't tell you how many times i've broken up and gotten back together (only to be disillusioned-problems don't go away).

 

it's up to you. maybe send her an e-mail letting her know that this decision is meant to help her heal and hopefully when you are both healed, you can be friends.