Shy men please stand up(advice)

[quietgrl]

Shy men i need your opinion. Ok last Tuesday i gave a "SHY" male co-worker a note. It had my phone number and email address and i also said in my note. " We're alway walking pass eachother at work let's introduce eachother " .I also told this guy i'm going to be furlough for 3 months. I didn't really ask him out????Well this guy never called me.

Ok i told a trusted male friend what happen to me and he said something interesting. My male friend said maybe he's scared to contact me or maybe he's not sure what to do .My male friend ask me did i ask him out or just gave my co-worker my numbers and waited for him to decided what i wanted.I guess in a way i didn't ask him out ?

My question to the shy men out there.Should i go back and let this shy co-worker know what i really want?I want to go out for lunch and get to know him more better.

This co-worker talks to everybody(men and women) at work but when i'm around him .He's tongue tied,he won't give me eye contact and he's scared to be around me.I don't understand his behavior toward me.I'm wondering if this guy is gay or married because of his behavior.

[Beec]

I think he probably is attracted and is scared, if he talks to everyone but you.

 

At this point, you should adopt the attitude that he's being stupid for passing over something as fine and good as you are. In fact, I would tell him just that, "If you really knew what was good for you, you would have jumped on something this good, when the chance presented it self."

[quietgrl]

I'm alway seeing this male co-worker at lunch and break sitting by himself but i also see him talking to other co-worker( women and men). What is soooo strange is I've only talk to him briefly 2 times. 1st time me and him was walking down the hallway and i said hello.This male co-worker said"aaaaa" .The 2nd time is when i gave him my note and he couldn't complete a sentence or look into my eyes. Is this guy gay or married?

I can go on about this male co-worker behavior.Some times at work he see me,gets a scared look on his face(worried that i'm going to talk to him) and he walks off or doesn't go a certain way. I need some male advice.I feel like i need to try more more time and set the record straight before i move on.

[Batya33]

I have to disagree with the poster who said to confront him and tell him he is passing up a good thing - all that says to him is "I am hurt and thereforeeee am lashing out at you - sour grapes." Why give him the satisfaction?

 

My bf was extremely shy before he asked me out for the first time - he needed his friends to sort of cheer him on and still he stuttered when he asked me to lunch (this was 11 years ago - we broke up back then and started dating again about a year ago - his shyness problem is over these days) - I have seen extremely shy men ask a woman out if they were truly interested. Here you basically gave him a major green light so I would vote for that he's just not that interested and/or he is not available. Please do not take it personally and good for you for trying!

[quietgrl]

I think he's gay because most men at my job are gay and posing like they're hetrosexual.I don't think he has a woman in his life but Monday.I'm going to ask one of my gay male co-worker who knows this guy and ask him is he gay..

I might be a virgin and no nothing about dating but if this man wasn't interested in me or hated my gust.He wouldn't be afraid to talk or be around me.We don't know eachother.This guy feel uncomfortable standing around me.It's like a little boy having to sit next to a little girl.This guy can't complete a sentence when i talk to him or give me eye contact. A black man who's not interested in a black woman is not going to be afraid to talk or be around you.

I just need a man advice right now.I'm not use to fighting to get a man's attention.A part of me tells me to talk to this guy and the other part tells me give up.

I don't have a problem with him not liking me but i have this gut feeling (if he's not gay) I should talk to him again and set the record straight.

[valenski]

Hey Quietgrl,

I dont think you should sweat it, shy guys dont get it until its too late anyway. Maybe your casting judgement too early, maybe its something you did or said thats causing him to react that way, maybe you are being too forward, maybe he's too polite to just say I dont like you or I'm not interested, the speculations are endless just dont worry about if he knew the value of friendship, he'd wise up especially it the work place.

[quietgrl]

I'm going to still ask my gay co-worker Monday what's the deal with this male co-worker because in Feb.I'm going to have to see this man again and i want everything resolved. This man feel uncomfortable around me for some reason.We've never fully spoke to eachother.

This dating thing is all new to me because i'm not use to pursuing a man. Men never wanted me in the first place so i have this F**k you attuitde.I need to know when i should still pursue a man and not just give up so easliy

[Batya33]

In general pursuing men is not effective. Being approachable, open and enthusiastic is.

[quietgrl]

The only men that approach me are men who are looking for casual sex (married or single)so i can't relie on men approaching me.

[quietgrl]

I hope more men would give some more advice

[Arrowsmith]

I'm not sure what advice to give other than to try to not take this so seriously (I realize that's much easier said than done...) The way I see it, you gave him the note so the ball is in his court. If he doesn't call I'm not sure I would pursue him. I think you did a very brave thing by giving him the note and you should be proud of yourself for that. There are a variety of reasons that he might not call you (you've listed a few), but if he doesn't call then the reason isn't very important - it's his loss whatever the reason is.

[Arrowsmith]

This advice may not be politically correct, but it's the wisest thing I've heard in a while.

 

In general pursuing men is not effective. Being approachable, open and enthusiastic is.

[quietgrl]

Probably right! The way i'm feeling right now .I don't want to see him or any other man right now. I maded a big mistake giving a co-worker my phone number.I will never again give a man my numbers.

[quietgrl]

This advice may not be politically correct, but it's the wisest thing I've heard in a while.

 

i'm never going to pursue a man again and being approachable, open and enthusiastic doesn't work for me.Men aren't interested in me period.

[Blue Dreamer]

Geez. Youre perspective is simply wrong. If you continue to perceive life as you do, you will remain as you are 2day, alone. You need to move on and forget about this guy. Who cares? Hes an insignificant piece of a large puzzle. Doing so should only make you a stronger peep.

 

Just so you know, I had the same F U attitude for years as you do now but I have learned with time how wrong that attitude is. I am damn shy but so what? That does not give me the right to make judgement of others as I used to without knowing them for real.

 

If you want to forget, which I dont think you really do, then just do it and move on. Stop whining and do it. Most importantly, dont let your experiences with this guy reflect on how you perceive and treat other guys in the future. If you do, youll never fly out of, or at best, be redirected to the airport youre stranded in now.

[quietgrl]

It's not this one guy.This male co-worker was the last straw for me.I've been dealing with people's crap for sooooooo long and i kept my mouth shut but not anymore. It's time people be accountable for their action and i don't care if people thing i'm whining.It's only whining to people because maybe they're doing the same bad behavior that I'm talking about.

I'm mad and i have a right to be. I'm mad that i can't find ONE good man or friend out there.Yess i'm judging men.Hello men are judging me all the time that's why i never went on my first date ever. I can keep smiling and be approachable to men but if men keep overlooking me.What do i do now?

[Blue Dreamer]

Read slowly and really absorb what Im telling you please. I know you dont want to hear or believe this but you need to hear it. I guarantee you that the anger you experience right now, which you blame on others is deep down truly a result of your own past/current actions in your life and perceptions of yourself. You always define your happiness. No questions asked. If you think others assist to define you and your happiness, you are incorrect.

 

If you really love yourself, which you clearly dont right now, you would not worry about how others treat you or perceive you. You are putting your happiness on other peeps shoulders. You cant do that. You define your happiness at all times. You must take take care of yourself and the problematic issues in your life right now. Im dead serious.

[quietgrl]

shiznit,

 

I don't think you understand me.I'm trying to break an unhealthy lifestyle that i lived between 1990-2000.I had that motto" I don't need anybody to make me happy.I'm my own happiness and if i can't get what i want from people i have to create my own happiness by myself." That was me for 10 years before 2000.I could care less about people and dating men but there is a danger to that motto. I relied so much on my own happiness that i shut out society(except my family).Yes i was happy during those 10 years but it was unhealthy. I'm a 36 years old woman and my people skills is poor because i shut out society for not giving me my wants and needs on my terms.

I never gave people a chance between 1990- 2000 if somebody didn't keep in touch.I would never speak to them again if you broke a promise to me.I would never speak to you again.You could have had a good reason for not keeping in touch or breaking your promise but I would never speak to you again.

I made a decision in 1999 after a health scare that i had to change and give men and people a chance to prove themselves to me.I had to embrace society again after 10 years of shutting the world out.Well 6 years later i'm having a hard time dealing with people's behavior and i want to go back to living my unhealthy life but i can't.I have to make a living and the internet has change everything for me.

shiznit i know what you mean about being happy with yourself.I live that way for 10 year without a man or friends and i was happy.My problem is i need to learn how to be happy with a man and friends because all i know is being alone.

I need to learn how to deal with people but it's hard for me because i'm use to shutting out society when people don't give me my wants and needs.

[Blue Dreamer]

Wow. Youre right, I didnt really understand you. Im not convinced that you were truly happy with youself in the 1990's as you claim to have been but I dont know. Im saying that from my own experience. Youve lived a decade of life single as have I. Ill have to get back to you cause Im currently in the same position you are when it comes to building relations with other people. Except for a few peeps, Ive been shutting out society since I went to college in 1996. The reason I replied in the first place to this thread is cause I understand why I act the way I do and why I am where I am today. I know what I need to do to get myself out of this rut. Im currently workin on self love which I havent truly had for many years even though I told myself I did. Always had a good excuse to not go on a date or meet other women. Anyhow, I realize now that self love is the key to developing a good relationship with another. I hope you love yourself as you say you do. Youll find love or love will find you in due time.

[Batya33]

i'm never going to pursue a man again and being approachable, open and enthusiastic doesn't work for me.Men aren't interested in me period.

 

You have no idea if that is true but since you want to believe it is true, then it is. I never let myself believe that even after harsh rejection - I wanted a relationsihp more than I wanted to take the easy way out, as you are doing.

[Batya33]

It's not this one guy.This male co-worker was the last straw for me.I've been dealing with people's crap for sooooooo long and i kept my mouth shut but not anymore. It's time people be accountable for their action and i don't care if people thing i'm whining.It's only whining to people because maybe they're doing the same bad behavior that I'm talking about.

I'm mad and i have a right to be. I'm mad that i can't find ONE good man or friend out there.Yess i'm judging men.Hello men are judging me all the time that's why i never went on my first date ever. I can keep smiling and be approachable to men but if men keep overlooking me.What do i do now?

 

People are allowed to choose who they want to be friends with - you have no reason to be angry at them for rejecting you. There is no obligation to be a friend to anyone and share personal experiences and feelings. Think about what you do to be a good friend to people and think about what you do that might sabotage that or be ineffective? I had to do a lot of self-evaluation and soul searching over the last 10 years to be a better friend and the results were overhwelmingly positive. I wasn't a bad friend but I definitely wasn't as good a friend as I could be or as effective in being supportive and approachable. I was too needy at times and not in tune with what people needed from me, including, sometimes, time and space.

 

My guess is that you give out negative and/or needy vibes to people and have unrealistic expectations such that people are afraid to interact with you too much. You can change this or you can take the easy way out and whine.

[quietgrl]

shiznit,

 

Honestly if there was an city/town/state.country where i didn't have to interact with people everyday.I would move there.The only time i would have to interact with people would be on the weekends.

It's hard for me to interact with people now a days because i don't understand society lack of noncommitment to friendship and romantic relationship. I don't understand why people don't take time for friendship and i don't understand why men can't see a good woman in front of them.

I am sooooo dying to get back to the lifestyle i had in the 90's.I didn't give a crap about people and if you did something wrong to me.I would never see or speak to you again.I was soooo happy but now i have to interact wth people because of my job.The internet didn't help either.

[quietgrl]

You have no idea if that is true but since you want to believe it is true, then it is. I never let myself believe that even after harsh rejection - I wanted a relationsihp more than I wanted to take the easy way out, as you are doing.

 

This is my life experience and until i see otherwise.Men don't want me.I haven't seen no online or offline man step up to the plate except one man.I don't know if i can say his name because he's on this board. I thank him for trying to make my first date dream come true.We're not compatible but he read my post and wanted me to experience going on a date.I really want to thank him for hearing a good woman cry because that's all i ask from men prove me wrong but so far no man doesn't want too except for this one man on enotalone.

[quietgrl]

Batya,

Oooohhhhh nooo this is a VERY VERY touchy topic with me. I hope no ex friend of mine touches this topic or it's going to be very ugly.As a friend i will have anybody back and i'm loyal.I'm alway there for people but people aren't there for me.The only time you'll see the ugly side of me is when you break your promise to me because whatever you say out of your mouth.A person better mean it .I believe in commitment nothing concerning me is casual.

What i want from people is not needy or unrealistic( commitment to the relationship).I use to buy that crap from people who wasn't giving me my wants and needs but i was giving them their wants and needs.Everything was fine until i wanted my needs met. The bottom line is if you can't commitment to a friendship or romantic relartionship do not bring innocent people into your world. "Say what you mean and do what you say".

Most people in today society do not want to committed or be attach to anything.I'm the oddball for having my committment views.

Batya my eyes only see one thing and i keep begging/pleading people to prove me wrong but all people do is prove me right all the time.

[Batya33]

This is my life experience and until i see otherwise.Men don't want me.I haven't seen no online or offline man step up to the plate except one man.I don't know if i can say his name because he's on this board. I thank him for trying to make my first date dream come true.We're not compatible but he read my post and wanted me to experience going on a date.I really want to thank him for hearing a good woman cry because that's all i ask from men prove me wrong but so far no man doesn't want too except for this one man on enotalone.

 

You will see otherwise when you make an effort to be the kind of person who can give to someone else without this huge chip on your shoulder. It takes effort and a mind set of giving - it doesn't just come to you.